Mara
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How are you doing?
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I'm doing okay. Yesterday was rough because I had to go out to mom's house and get her oxygen tank and return it to the drugstore. Anytime I go to her house I am very emotional. My parents bought that house when I was 3. I lived there my entire childhood until I was 23 years old. Now, I have to sell it and the thought kills me. I know I will not be able to drive by it once it sells. I really don't think I'll be able to handle seeing someone else living there. Mom had finally just payed her last house payment about 2 weeks before she passed. She was so happy to finally be without a house payment, she was finally going to be able to have a little more money each month, she finally wasn't going to have to struggle as much to make ends meet. Every since dad passed 5 years ago she had struggled financially. She was never able to get herself things, barely got her bills paid, and had to borrow from us monthly to get groceries and pay for gas. She finally was seeing light, actually feeling hopefull about her money situation. Now she's gone. Why why why??? Again, I apologise for rambling. Sometimes I just can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I just kinda feel like life handed me a really bad deal, I'm 35, I have no parents, no close friends, struggling to stay clean, battle reaccuring lifelong depression, then I have to lose the closest person to me besides my dh, my mom was my shadow!! I'm still not quite over this, or even close to it. She's been gone for 2 months, 1 week, and 2 days. I still do too much of the "what if" "why me" "why her" "why now" just a lot of that. Asking all that does'nt help me move on, just keeps me re-living it. I play over and over things in my head, our last conversation, our last touch, the look on my dh's face when he broke the news, the way I felt when I heard him, all that replays over and over and it makes me feel like it just happened yesterday. I'm just not sure how much more I can handle.
As much as I don't want to, I went to my councoler on Monday and told her that I need to increase my medication. I'm so afraid of relaspe and losing everything I've gained. I want to taper off so badly but I know that I must get stable again before I can do that. I'm going up 10 mil. and will stay there for about 2 months before attempting to decrease again. I feel so bad for having to do that. It makes me feel so weak. There is a lot of guilt involved. But, I guess I'd rather increase a little then relapse and use again. I go back and see my councoler again in 4 days for another session. This is such a long rocky road.
I'm trying my best to enjoy my new little guy. He is growing so fast and I feel like I'm missing it. I feel cheated out of enjoying his newborn days. His first week at home seems so blurred, it makes me sad that I wasn't here emotionally during that time. My other kids are great. My 5 year old dd is tired of seeing me cry. I try to hide it from them but sometimes I can't. They seem to be handling it well.
Well, I need to pick Cassidy up from preschool. Sorry this turned into another novel! It makes me feel a little better to pour out my heart. Thanks for that.
Mara
Mara,
I'm so glad to hear from you. Going to the house sounded very difficult. Asking your counselor to change your medication because of stress is very common. Many, many people change dosages during times of stress and I think this definitely qualifies.
Please keep checking in - WE REALLY CARE! Love to see more pictures as little guy grows.
E-mail me if you get a new e-mail.
Just keep taking those next right actions.
Linda
(((HUGS)))
If you are able to, please email me at missymelissy @ hotmail . com
I've lost my mom and I know some of the feelings you have.
It will be very hard for you to sell the house with all your memories but you have to try to be positive and think about the new family that will live there that will hopefully have memories as fond as yours.
As far as upping your meds, it's good that you realize that you need to take a tiny step back in order to make a giant step forward, much better than stumbling all the way down.
Just take it one day at a time.
{{{HUGS}}} Oh, sweetie, my heart aches for you. I have thought about you a lot over the past several months through everything you have went through. Even though I don't 'know' you - you are in my thoughts & prayers. Hang in there, it was a courageous step to go to your counselor and to up your meds for now...you realize that you needed to take that step and hopefully it will help you take that future step ahead. Like others have said...just take it one day at a time. It sounds like you have a wonderful family surrounding you from those adorable little ones to your DH.
Take it a day at t ime & stay in touch with everyone...we're all here for you.
{{{HUGS}}}
When my dad died I found grief got me at the wierdest times. I was thinking about that today. You probably already have this but there is actually a chatroom on-line with 24 and 7 support in grief. It might be another source of support in those dark times if we're not here.
http://www.groww.org/
hi Mara .... how is it going now ?
Just thought I'd ask, as I've been out of touch lately with my own family situation .....
You are doing AWESOMELY (is that a word ?) and recognizing what you need is such a very HEALTHY thing to do ... it's SO much better than the alternative, just throw that guilt away ..... physically write GUILT on a piece of paper and burn it or tear it into tiny pieces or something. We beat ourselves up SO much and it's just not necessary (I know, just listen to me, giving you advice on how to get rid of guilt when I accept my guilt, your guilt, even a stranger's guilt .... but it's good advice anyway !) .... you are doing the BEST you can, and that is ALL you can do, and that is all GOD wants you to do ..... that and lean on Him, knowing that we cannot do it alone is a huge realization AND a huge burden to let go of !
Just keep us informed, okey-dokey ?
((Mara))
I know this will be hard, but before you sell the house or even start cleaning it out, take pictures of each room. Believe it or not, someday you will be able to look at the pictures and not cry.
Is it possible for you to rent the house instead of selling it? That's what we ended up doing. It helped.
Mara,
Miss you. Please let us know how its going. Have you got e-mail yet? Gmail will do it for free. Others probably can tell you other free ones.
Check-in when you can.
Linda
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Mara,
How are you and the baby doing. Would love to hear.
Linda
Hi Mara,
Happy Easter to you and your family. A season of remembering and new birth!!!
Linda
Hi everyone,
I'm doing pretty good. The baby is adorable and growing fast, the other kids are good. They can't wait for summer break-what kid isn't, huh? LOL I had 3 teeth pulled yesterday. 2 wisdom and 1 molar. OUCH They were all on the left side and today that side is swollen and very tender. But, like everything...it will heal with time. I'm still stuggling with life without mom, it's still hard and I suspect it will be for quite some time. But, somehow I'm getting by. One day at a time. I did get my email up again, for anyone who was wanting it-- maramae@verizon.net . Well, just wanted to let ya know that I'm still here and that I'm so grateful to have such friends like you all that think of me so often 
Mara
Mara,
It's so good to hear from you, and good to hear that you are doing better. Well, minus the pulled teeth. Ouch indeed!
Mara,
Sorry about the dental work but its great to hear how you are all doing. Despite the heart tug - Happy mother's day to you and for your mom who I am sure is watching and cheering you on.
Linda
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