(I'm going anon so I'm not connected in search with all of the personal info included, but any regulars know who I am.)

Ok, so this is mostly a vent, I'm just totally overwhelmed right now. Since we got to FL, things have been so stressful, and that's after a really hellacious drive. (I scratched my cornea in the first part of the drive, and ended up spending 12 hours doing nothing in Kentucky, because I couldn't open my eye, and couldn't see with it patched.) The kids started school on Monday, which went pretty well, and I'm digging the uniform policy. BUT... (isn't there always a but?) there is so much more for me to do in this school. They are DEFINITELY teaching to the test, which I despise, and there are so many different things for me to sign off on, homework that I have to do with them (rather than just help when they get stuck) and lots of tests. Shane said he only took one test in KS, now we have tests in all subjects, he had at least 3 this week. Madison wants to fight me on EVERYTHING... she hates reading (could she even be my kid and hate to read?!) she doesn't want to do her homework or review, doesn't want to do chores, etc. The only bright side is her dad and I talk almost every day, and he says she is so much like him it's uncanny, so a lot of the time he will talk to her. They not only lost an hour in the time zone change (plus one coming up for DST change) but they go to school earlier here, so they are miserably tired, but won't adjust with bedtimes. I put them to bed at 2000, and they are up until 2300 or later. We get up at 0630 for bus at 0720, so they are starting to drag after school. They get off at 1430, and often take until dinner time to finish homework, because of all the battles. I'm so stressed and miserable by bedtime that I am a screaming, angry, headached mess!

Last week was awful, one of my grandmom's dogs bit Shane and me in the morning, not breaking skin. This caused a huge fight as she defended the dog. In the afternoon, she left the dog outside with the kids by the pool, and it bit Madison so hard it broke skin. She almost threw us out because I demanded she do something, or I would call animal control. The dog had previously bitten a neighbor girl, and after my call was put on house arrest. If the dog ever bites anyone again, family or not, she will be taken. I felt bad for the dog, because she is this way because she doesn't get enough exercise, but I was so hurt that my grandmom basically chose the dog over us. She blamed the kids for the bites (even though the dog bit me as well), and told me she wouldn't get rid of the 9 year old dog, because no one would want her. I offered the option of a no-kill shelter, and was told if we didn't like the dog, to get out, knowing we really didn't have anywhere to go. We could have, and discussed, moving to SC with their dad, but he has a very small place that wouldn't really fit all of us.

All of this is on top of the work I need to do in the house. My grandmom and her partner (she hasn't remarried because of alimony, was married to my grandpop for 20+ years as a housewive, but has been with her current "husband" for about 15) are both terrible packrats. Plus, she doesn't do housework, never has, which was fine when she was married and wealthy, because she had hired help. Now, she works full time, had gastric bypass last year, and has NO energy, so it's even less likely she will help clean up. The job has fallen to me to sort, toss, organize, and clean all this crap, and I can't get a real job until I do, because we have no room to live! (I can't believe I'm airing out all our business, but whatever.) And I am being "compensated" for my work, she will give me money for gas and buy stuff we need, in addition to buying me glasses because mine disappeared after WI. The clutter, not to mention sheer size of the tasks I have to handle, makes me very anxious, and since I'm not working and have no insurance, my anxiety disorder is completely unchecked. I knew what my task was before I came, but it still couldn't have prepared me for this.

And... I still have no friends, and have no real energy to make any. My friends in KS have mostly forgotten I exist, and so really, my ex-husband is the only person I talk to. This is good in some ways, because he knows my grandmom well, and can understand when I call to vent about things, plus our friendship is good for our children. But... I'm lonely, bored, stressed, and exhausted, and he is in another state, so his help is solely supportive conversations.

I joined the local 24 hour gym, which includes tanning benefits, so I will have 2 things I enjoy, but it's not much. I tried to cheer myself up with a mani/pedi yesterday, but the lady insulted me 3 times, so that left me unhappy. (It was spur of the moment, so I had a little leg stubble, which she commented on, in addition to my eyebrows needing waxing, and my arms being too hairy. I think she was trying to push me to pay for waxing, but it just made me feel bad.) We have had some fun, we went to the beach last weekend, although this week is rainy. I am volunteering for Obama, since we are a battleground state, and trying to stay active and motivated, but in general I'm starting to crumble. I know the signs of depression are creeping in... losing interest in things I love, gaining weight from stress eating, constant exhaustion, no motivation, etc, but without health insurance, I'm left to just suck it up. My grandmom is a VERY critical person, and although I know she loves us very much (I'm the oldest, and have always been her favorite) she says things that are so hurtful I end up in tears. My personality is the reason I can't keep a happy relationship, a good job, or any friends, my son is a momma's boy, my daughter is out of control, comments about things like my nose, which I can't change and have always been self-conscious about... these are just a few examples of the stuff she will say. She *means* well, she wants me to be happier than she was in her life, and thinks we are so similar that she needs to "warn" me of my flaws. Normally, I could just ignore the comments, because after 26 years I know how she can be, but I'm already fragile, so they nearly break me down. My self-esteem is in the gutter.

I should note, even with the crap, this move was a good one... something that will eventually pay off, and is a step towards the life I want for the kids. It brings us closer to their dad, and the ultimate goal of living in the same town to co-parent. I hate cold weather, and get very depressed in winter, so leaving KS just in time was good for me. I don't have much family in my life, and my ex in-laws live a few hours away, and I really wanted the kids to have family in their lives. There ARE benefits, and I try to focus on them, it just sucks a lot right now. If you made it this far, thanks...

By Tarable on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 10:58 am:

I feel like I know exactly where you are.. Been there done that and you are doing a wonderful job as a mom (no matter what anyone says) and try not to let the things that others say get you too down. (trust me I know it is really hard)

You just need a big...

By Imamommyx4 on Saturday, October 25, 2008 - 01:39 am:

Just want you to know that I read the whole thing. Bless your heart.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, October 25, 2008 - 08:56 am:

{{{HUGS}}} That does sound difficult.

By Bea on Saturday, October 25, 2008 - 11:12 am:

By Anonymous on Saturday, October 25, 2008 - 01:09 pm:

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. I'm still pretty miserable today... hopefully the weekend gets better.