I am wondering how many of you have had to deal with major deceit from your husbands. DH lost his longtime job several years ago and needless to say it sent him into a tailspin. He decided to go into business for himself...a mistake he and I both realize.As things got tighter financially he began to borrow money (without my knowledge) from friends and family memebers. Of course I eventually found out and I am still having trouble dealing with this betrayal. On top of that we have had an extremely bad run of luck, most of it caused by tight finances. We are now doing everything we can to get back on our feet...helped in a big part because DH has a great new job.We are in marriage counseling and I am on Paxil to help with the anxiety and depression this has caused. Can you work past this type of thing? Does marriage counseling work? (I love our therapist BTW) Life has been so crappy lately...the family members and friends who lent money are still angry he lied to me and this has made things even harder. Do you ever recover the joy?

By Crystal915 on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 10:34 am:

(((((Anon)))))) I don't have any advice since I'm divorced, but I applaud you for attempting counseling and working together to recover. It sounds like your DH knows he screwed up, and while I'm sure you are feeling lots of anger and embarrassment, you can get through this. I can almost promise there are moms here who have BTDT in some way, and you will get some great advice here.

By Vicki on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 10:50 am:

Well, I think there are several ways you can look at this.

Maybe you can get past it and maybe you can't.

Did he borrow the money and keep it from you to try to protect you from worry? Was he trying to be the "man" and provide for his family? Was all the money he borrowed used for the family, or was he out spending it on himself, gambling, wasting it etc?

I am not saying any of that makes it right or ok that he didn't talk with you about it. But if you could try to see what his mind was thinking, it might help YOU. Not make it ok, but make it some what understandable. If he honestly thought he was doing the right thing, I think I could work through it with him.

Now, if he was blowing the money, not looking out for the family etc., that is another thing all together in my mind!

By Tarable on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 11:00 am:

I totally agree with Vicki. I think the only way I could get past it is if maybe I could try to understand "why" he did it.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 11:48 am:

Look, you're in counseling to, among other things, try to "get past it". I don't know how long you've been in counseling, but I would urge you to give the counseling a good chance. Maybe you should have some solo sessions with the counselor about just this issue.

I understand why you see it as a trust issue - I certainly would. I don't know why, but some people don't count withholding information as dishonesty but think only outright active lies are dishonesty. I personally think withholding relevant information is dishonesty. I also see what Vicki is saying that maybe he thought (or at least told himself) that he was "protecting" you (and, of course, protecting his own ego). But please do try hard to work with the counseling and let the counseling work.

By Annie2 on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 12:25 pm:

I agree with Vicki. What did the money go towards? If it was to benefit your family, without frivilous spending, I would work through the feelings of being left in the dark.
Ginny is so correct that you stay in counseling. Try to make this happen for yourself and your family.
I was on the other side, in my marriage. I would ask my parents for funds to help support my family while dh was struggling to make ends meet.
I do not and did not call it deceit...but trying to stay afloat.
If your dh's intentions were honorable that is one thing but if he wasn't honest where the money went, that is a whole other issue.
Hugs...

By Rayelle on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 02:42 pm:

I agree with the others as far as intentions. For me that would have made a big difference. I also wanted to add I understand how much financial stress can affect a marriage. Dh and I have had to borrow from family and even though we both knew about it it's stressful, you don't want people to know your business, etc. My dh hasn't kept anything big from me but there are things he has put off because I tend to well, fly off the handle. I'm much better for a lot of reasons, but I have had several bouts of depression and he sometimes worries bad news will set that off. It doesn't exactly work that way and he knows but he tries to be protective anyway. It makes me mad sometimes but I can see where he is coming from. ((HUGS)))