Marital advice- what do you do?
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Marital advice- what do you do?
I am really starting to think there is something wrong with me.
First of all I would like to say my dh is great. We have been together for over a decade. We are still best friends. He is all over me all the time. To be quite honest, it can get annoying.
Part of me feels like I should be happy he still wants me after all this time and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I would say for the most part, the sexual part of our relationship is fine. I do still find him attractive I am just not in that state of mind as much as he is.
Dh would like to get more hugs and kisses from me, with me initiating. He's not talking sex he wants me to be more loving and romantic. He would love it if I would greet him with a kiss or hug when he gets home, etc. I know this is very basic and I don't have any specific problem with it. However I have never been in the habit of this and it feels a bit forced and I have to think about it and I don't always remember. What makes me think there is something wrong with me is that when I thought about it I haven't liked kissing for a long time. Making out just plain annoys me.
I *might* feel differently if we ever did anything physical without it leading to sex. But honestly, I don't think that's it. Kissing him because I see him feels fake, like it's because it's a certain time not because I desire to do it. But he desires for me to and it's not a big deal to make him happy. He gets upset if I don't automatically but it isn't habit for me yet.
Do you greet your dh with hugs and kisses after work, etc? Am I really screwed up? I've been trying to figure out why it is I don't enjoy kissing anymore but still enjoy sex and I just can't figure it out. Has this ever been a problem for anyone?
I always kiss my husband hello or goodbye. Not make-out kiss, but a kiss on the lips. I love that intimacy. I love kissing him like that, and I love hugs.
However, I do not enjoy kissing kissing. You know, make-out, hot and heavy kissing. Not even when I'm at my most romantic.
Now, there are times, given they are far and few between, that I get in the mood to kiss more, but really, I just don't enjoy it. I smother easily, and can't breathe out of my nose. I can't stand to have my mouth covered, so I feel this may be part of it, but I just don't like it.
So I don't feel there is anything wrong with you because of that. I do feel that it would be worth it to make your husband feel loved to meet him with a kiss. I think all he is asking for is to feel like you missed him and are glad he's there now. I don't feel that's asking too much.
And even if it does feel forced, given some time, it won't anymore. You'll get used to doing it and it will be second nature to greet him with a quick kiss. I think we all have to give a little and do things we don't enjoy so much to make the other happy. That's just part of being in a good relationship!
I always kiss dh good bye, but I don't know that I ever kiss him hello. When he comes home, I am usually cooking, cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry, helping dd with something in her homework or the list goes on and on. My usual response to him walking in the door is "hey there... how was your day" while I am going about what I was doing. LOL
I always kiss DH hello, goodbye, goodnight, and really lots of times in-between! We're kissers. Kissing is wonderful and DH is so good at it.  We're also just 'touchers' in general, and I'm very affectionate by nature. My family is that way, and still are.
It's also not a forced thing for me because I'm *glad* that DH is home. It's a great part of my day.
Anon, you are not totally alone. I am out there. Although there is not really any time of day that dh and I aren't together so there is no hello/goodbye kisses. We work together and now actually ride to work together so there is no normal time we aren't in the same building at least and for that matter our offices/cubicles are next to each other.
But there is very little hugging/kissing going on that doesn't end up something else and I am not in the mood as often as my dh. But I am the one that would love to be hugged/kissed more that didn't always end up as something else. I guess to me those hugs and kisses aren't hormone driven so they sometimes mean more than the other kind.
Like Deanna I am very affectionate and so is my family but my dh is not, his family doesn't hug at all. So it is an adjustment for both of us.
Well, I don't kiss dh good-bye each day because he leaves for work before I get up! I sometimes kiss him hello when he comes home, but to be honest, I am usually right in the middle of making dinner, or helping with homework, etc. And, also to be honest, sometimes I am just not in the mood! Hopefully, that doesn't make me a bad wife. But, I do know that dh isn't always in the mood either. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all when he doesn't kiss me when he gets home because I know he loves me, and is attracted to me. He says he feels the same. We do always greet each other, and ask about our days.
Dh and I hold hands, we kiss, etc. But, not ALL the time. I think I would feel "forced" too if dh made a big deal about it. Dh's family is very affectionate, hugs and kisses alot. Mine is not.
Maybe it is just the fact that he is always making a big deal about it, that bothers you. It would bother me. Maybe you can tell dh that you will make more of an effort to be more affectionate, if he will not bring it up all the time, or get upset.
I am lucky that dh knows the way I am. I am not a really big hugger and kisser. He has never said anything to me before about it. We do talk about it. He says it doesn't bother him. He knew I was like this when he married me, and he knows I love him. He is okay with it.
LOL Debbie. I'm always asleep when DH goes to work also, but he always comes and kisses me in bed before he goes. I love that. That's the affectionate part of me I guess.
LOL Deanna! Dh used to kiss me good-bye in the morning. But, he says I sleep like the dead, and don't even stir, so he doesn't bother anymore.
It's not about kissing or not kissing. It's about him having the guts to tell you something in the first place and your ability to listen to his needs. If there's one thing I've learned about marriage is that it's hard work...to listen and understand one another is a huge part of it!
Good luck and no you're not weird! It just means that he feels comfortable enough coming to you with this which, in my opinion, speaks mounds for your marriage! I would start getting into a new habit and who knows, maybe you might get that foot rub you've been dying for! LOL
Anon, you are definitely not alone. Used to be like that, and probably still am to an extent.
Dh told me how much it hurts him that I am not affectionate and don't initiate at all. So I started making sure I greet him with a kiss (at his suggestion), it felt forced at first because It' just not something I did, when he gets home I am usually just finishing up making dinner, trying to get the kids to get homework off the table, etc. But I would stop what I was doing to give him a hug, kiss and ask how his day was. Now it's completely nature for me to do that and I like doing it.
When he sat on the couch, i'd usually sit on the other couch. Not because I didn't want to sit by him, I just like the other couch better.
I agree with the kissing. When I was a teenager I'd make out with boyfriends and when dh and I were first dating we'd make out. But now I can not stand it. I feel smothered and I can't breathe.
good luck, you are not alone
I love kissing dh hello and goodbye but I'm not really big on making out kinda kissing. I guess that's more common than I thought. Twenty years ago we were crazy about it!!
I feel better thanks! I'm glad to know I'm not weird. It is like many of you mentioned, I'm usually in the middle of something and since it was never a habit for me it's not natural for me to stop what I am doing to rush over to him. It's not something I have a problem with in general, it will just take some time to make it a new habit for me. If it's something he needs it certainly isn't a problem for me. I think it hurts his feeling that it isn't natural for me yet he is understanding at the same time.
Anon-you sound like me with the couch thing too! He'll say you never sit with me, come sit with me, but it's nothing against him personally. Unless I am in a horrible mood I move down to him.
We kissed more yesterday then we have in a long time. He had been stroking my back for a bit and that made me feel less tense. I'm thinking that probably has a lot to do with it. I'm sure it will work out. Thanks again!
Me, too, Deanna! I kiss my husband when he gets up to get ready for work, and then he comes in to tell me he loves me and kisses me good-bye. I couldn't stand it if he didn't do this!
And lots of times, I am cooking dinner, but he comes to me and kisses me.
I agree you're not alone Anon.
However I love the affectionate side of kissing and I wish my partner would kiss me more.
I kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him (he's in bed but I make a point of it being the last thing I do before I leave for work). I call him randomly during the day just to hear his voice/say I'm thinking of him...I kiss him when he's home and I always want to snuggle/be touching him when we're in the same room.
I kiss him before I go up to bed (I'm up earlier and go to bed earlier) however I wish he'd just randomly come there to see me/kiss me, snuggle and talk (we used to do this a lot when we were dating).
I feel I'm the more affectionate one (that I need that touchy, kissy connection more often) and often wish he was more affectionate...
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