Need ladies support
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2008:
Need ladies support
I would say I need advice but I know what I need to do. I just don't want to do it.  Ok, so here is my story.
Several months ago our family began playing an online game together. Through this game we have "met" many wonderful people. Three of these people have made it onto my MSN list and I chat with them regularly. The main one you need to know I will call Spence. Spence and I have been chatting daily for about 6 months. Up until about a month ago these chats were purely platonic.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Fine you"
This type of thing. Spence knows I am married, with children. Also there is a 14-year difference in our ages . Well about a month ago we got into muddy waters. He would make little comments like, "You're a hot mama" and I let them slide because frankly I liked the attention. It's fun to know a younger man finds you attractive. As time went on we ended up playing a lot of what-if games. "What would you do if we were alone?" "What would you do if I put my hand on your knee?" This type of thing. Two-weeks ago we had a long chat about how this was making us both uncomfortable. I am married, and I love my husband. So we decided to stop it. Our conversations went back to normal and I loved it. Then last Sunday he was talking about a pic he'd received from another girl. It was nude, then he said, "you take one like that". "No" Fast-forward a week later and we haven't spoke more than 10 words. This is a rare thing. Normally every time I log onto MSN he sends me a smiley and we check up on each other. I know I should just let it go. But I miss talking to him so much. He was like a best friend, we chatted about everything (normal stuff, kids, school, gaming, politics, everything) and we chatted daily. I guess I just need some moral support to let this go.
Going Anon for obvious reasons.
Run, do not walk, in the other direction. Let it go. It is entirely too dangerous. You don't know who this man is. You don't know that he is younger. All you know is that he has made suggestive, sex-related comments to a woman he knows is married and has children, and has inveigled her into playing online suggestive "what if" games. And you know that he wants you to send him a nude picture of yourself. Which he might forward on to someone else, or post on a website, or heaven knows what. Review what you wrote.
You and he had a long chat and agreed that things were heading in the wrong direction and decided to cool it - and two weeks later he asks for a nude picture. This is cooling it? And - he is the one who broke off contact after you quite rightly refused to send him a nude picture of yourself. To me that says he could well be trolling to see how many housewives he can get to send him nude pictures. No apology, no smilies, no contact since you said No.
Take him off your MSN list, block his email address from your in-box, and do everything possible to avoid having any contact with him.
I'll be blunt. Some people define infidelity as physical relations with someone other than your spouse. In my personal opinion, if you are giving attention and affection to someone who is not your spouse, instead of to your spouse, you are (as President Carter said) being unfaithful in your mind. And yes, I think that kind of infidelity counts. I know, because I've BTDT from the other side, and in the end you and your marriage could pay a high price.
I agree with Ginny. This is going in the wrong direction and you know it, so completely cut-off ties. Good luck.
You know in your heart that what you are doing is not right for your family. If this chatting on line is something that you couldn't talk to your dh about then there is a problem.
If you are not obtaining the attention from dh that you are seeking then you need to start there.
I've been on the other end, as you know, and it has ruined our family and finances.
Be careful and smart. There is a lot at stake.
I don't have any advice, just t&p's.
However it is posts like your that keep me on my toes with my kids. If it is so easy for an adult to get in too deep, imagine how hard it is for our children.
You are right you know the right choice. And losing a friend is a hard even it if is just online. He has become part of your daily routine. I would suggest you sharing all this with your hubby. So it will help you stay honest about spence.
I've been thinking about you, Anon, and here's what I think. I think you are a very nice person, been married a while and have kids, and sometimes life gets a bit same-old-same-old. So, in the innocent course of family playing games on line, you get some communications from a guy who seems like a nice guy. And, you flirt a bit. Flirting is fun - I love to flirt, and I think a little bit of flirtation is OK. And to have someone treat you like an attractive woman, after so many years of being wife and mommy, its flattering and feels good.
But when the flirting started getting out of hand, you realized that and very sensibly said it had to stop - that you could be internet friends but had to change the tone and direction of your communication. This "nice guy" seems to accept that, and then out of the blue comes up with this request for a nude picture - and you quite properly say No. So now he is ignoring you - and quite possibly flirting and maybe going a bit too far with the flirtatious communications with another nice woman he's met on the internet.
I think that perhaps, even with all the warnings you might have read and the stories you've heard you don't realize what kinds of people you can meet on the internet. Most of us read warnings and hear stories, but don't really believe them until it happens in our own lives - that's normal. But, as the articles warn, some of the people you "meet" on the internet - many of them, in fact - seem like really nice people, but aren't. They look for nice people like you, start off slow and soft, and gradually turn up the heat. When someone reacts as you did, they look for another victim. I know that sounds harsh - heck, you liked the guy and enjoyed your correspondence with him. But if he was really a "friend", would he have walked away after you refused to send him a nude picture? That's not what friends ask friends to do, and that's not how friends behave.
I am truly not blaming you - I think you did the right thing when you realized things were getting a little too warm, and certainly you did the right thing about the nude pic. But now you're feeling a little abandoned, and you miss the friendly flirtation. And I understand that.
I don't know how you fill the gap in your life you feel right now - except, maybe, start flirting with your dh (if he will flirt back - some husband's don't, I know). Or join a gym, go for long walks instead of being on the internet, find another internet game site - find new things to do to distract yourself and each time you feel yourself missing your contact with this guy, remind yourself that he asked you for a nude pic and abandoned you when you said no. This is not a friend.
Thank you all for the advice. Ginny, your last bit was right on. And I keep telling myself the same things, but as you said I am feeling a little abandoned and missing the friendly flirtation. My DH doesn't do flirtation, I have tried flirting with him.
I have quit trying to "talk" to him. I guess I'm just feeling a little down and alone. And I feel very foolish, because I realize that a real friend wouldn't have just cut off all communication for that reason. And I thought he was a friend. So on top of missing our chats, I feel stupid for ever believing him.
I don't know whether to tell DH about all of this or not. He knows I chatted with spence, most of our conversations he read. But the what-if conversations he never knew about.. If I tell him to him it will be the same as me actually having an affair. Sometimes.. the internet can be a terrible thing.
Please don't continue this, you could lose everything dear to you and it's not worth it. I know what it's like to get into a rut and wishing you could take yourself away to something exciting new and different. But in the end I love my dh and kids and can't imagine myself anywhere else than where I am, these sort of people you really have no idea what or who they really are, they are who you want them to be, who they want to portray themselves to be to you when they could be very dangerous, I have experience in this, years ago when we got our first computer I corresponded with someone online much like you are doing when I didn't want to continue to "expand" on what started out as a few "innocent" flirtations and wanted to break it off he hacked into my email account and sent a nasty email to everyone that was in my address book, I started getting emails from friends that were wondering what was up with me, I then had the displeasure of having to explain to every one of my friends what was up, they were writing and saying we know this isn't you what's going on here? It was not fun. Luckily nothing else happened. I wish you luck, and hope that you can get yourself out of this.
Nothing more I can say than has already been said. And you know it is the companionship you miss, not the actual person you are missing. Loosing any type of friend cyber or real life is always a let down. It leaves a void where something once was.
Just do everything you can to fill that void with something else. As suggested, take every precaution to protect your self and any online connections you have (as told in the story above). You really have no clue who Spence is in real life.
I wouldn't tell him. You have stopped it before it went too far. I heard a very good speaker on television just recently that made a very good point about an extramarital affair.
He said that the woman had cheated on her husband and felt horrible about it and had stopped it and wanted to make her marriage work. She had decided to never do that again.
She wanted to know whether to tell her husband. He said will it do any good to tell him? Who will it make feel better about it? If she told him, she would relieve her own guilt of having the secret, but it would not benefit her husband in the least. It would just hurt him and make his life more complicated and difficult. If she didn't tell him, as long as she didn't plan on carrying on anymore, than she still carries the guilt, but her husband doesn't have the pain to deal with.
Since she was the one to make the mistake, she should be the one living with the guilt of the affair. Why should she be relieved of that and place the burden on her innocent husband?
I think as long as you have stopped contact with this person, I would take it as a lesson learned and move on.
As far as telling your husband, you kind of are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, it's probably better that he not know any of this. Does "Spence" know your husband's email address? If so, he might get "vindictive" and send him the conversations you had. Then your husband might ask you why you didn't tell him any of this and may be angrier and more hurt, hearing it from the other guy.
If he does not have a way to contact your husband, then don't say a word. Something very innocent could just end up putting a rift between you.
If he does, you need to weigh carefully the possiblity of "Spence" contacting your dh.
Lots of hugs and support. You really didn't do anything wrong.
Ame
I agree with Ame and Adena. Unless there is some way your husband can track your conversations with this manipulative guy, I wouldn't tell him.
As for feeling stupid, let me tell you, Anon, I have done a number of very stupid things in my life. This is not the first time, I'll bet, and I'll guarantee not the last time you'll feel stupid. We all make mistakes - the important thing is whether you learn from your mistakes, and it sounds like you have.
It also sounds like you have a good internal moral system, because even while you were enjoying the flirtation you recognized when it was getting into dangerous territory and you stopped it. I've read of lots of people who made the same initial mistake and didn't stop it before they did something really wrong. So give yourself the credit you are due.
Husbands and flirting - can't help you there. It's been so long since I was married I can't even remember how I handled that or how it went for me and my ex. But I'm sure there are some women on the board who have had the same difficulties with their husbands and maybe they can offer some suggestions.
Don't beat yourself down. You did the right thing, you did it in time. You feel a bit foolish and a bit stupid, but you learned from it. Now, move on.
And, most importantly, find something that you can do for yourself, something you enjoy doing, preferably with other people (and most preferably, with other women, who will understand when you want to gripe or vent about a non-flirtatious husband). One of the hazards of being a married woman with children is that it takes a lot of your time and you wind up making that your whole life. That's why it is important to have some things in your life that you do for yourself.
And yes, sometimes the internet can be a terrible thing. That is one of the lessons you have learned from this experience. Think of this - maybe your sharing of your experience can be helpful to other women who read this board.
I have big trust issues. I found out that dh was hiding his web surfing from me, it nearly ruined our marriage. He didn't really do anything wrong, just looked at some risque sites. But the fact that he was living some secret fantasy without me, really hurt. I would have much prefered him to say, I could sleep last night, ended up looking at this. Interesting what was on there. And then our conversation could go from there.
To me telling your husband establishes trust. Odds are he will find out. If he finds out from somewhere else, then it will be much worse in his mind that it was. It is a simple as saying, you know that guy spence. He started flirting with me, I kind of flirted back, then realized what a bad choice that was. When I reminded him that I was a married woman he got grumpy and has now dropped our gaming. What a schmuck.
I can say when I found out about my husbands net habits. We got a virus and after having it repaired the repair man told me that it was from certain websites. I have spent the past several years wondering what else he did that I didnt' know about. We were in a down part of our marriage. Did it go further? Does he still sneak his computer time? I really have no idea, and had no idea at the time. But now when he tries something new romantically I have this little doubt about, where did he hear that.
I would not go into details, but some mention of why you no longer talk with spence, puts you in control. Shows your husband that he can trust you.
Anon I am sorry about what happened to you I am still not sure about telling DH, I see what you are saying, but I know him. Just the thought that I flirted with another man he'll look at as a betrayal. To him that is as bad as a hug or a kiss. Spence does not have my email address.. the one I made for msn was only for msn, it is never used. I don't really know what to do right now, but I am going to take a break from life for a few days. Going on a retreat to think and sort all of this out. No computer, no msn, no phone, just thinking about what I did and how I got myself into this mess. Thanks for all of the advice and support ladies. You have all made it easier to block him and stop talking to him.
Anon - first Anon - I had a thought. How likely is it that your dh would read posts at Momsview and how likely that he would "recognize" you from your posts in this thread? Oh, and do change your msn email address, if you haven't already. Hope your retreat has helped you.
I'm back and feeling much better. My DH has never looked at Momsview.. to him we're all a bunch of clucking hens lol. So no worries about that. I didn't think to change my MSN email addy, but I will. I'm not going to tell him. I think in the long run it would only cause us more problems. It's over, I'm glad it is.. the end. Thanks again for all of the advice ladies.
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