Opinions
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2008:
Opinions
I know, that's a vague title, isn't it?
Here's the situation: Every year DH's family has a get together at Christmastime. Each sibling takes turns hosting it and this is our year. I suggested to DH we do something different this year, and I'm not sure how it will go over. I'm looking for honest reactions if you were on the receiving end of this.
This is for a party of anywhere between 25 to 30 people.
DH's siblings, when it's their turn, have a sit-down dinner. You know the kind, everyone is huddled around the tables that have been pushed together and extend all the way into the living room. We've never done that here because we just don't have the room; we have a buffet and many times, your lap becomes the table. I suggested to DH that this year we have dinner at a restaurant close by and come back here for dessert and gift exchange. We would provide all the desserts and drinks, but would expect everyone to pay their own way at the restaurant. DH liked the idea, and has said that he will strongly suggest it to his family, but I'm really not sure how they will react. I've been told in the past to do it how I want, (DH helps, but leaves everything up to me) but then I run into so much opposition that I end up doing it their way anyway.
Would you go for it or what? Am I a bad hostess for wanting someone else to do all the cooking, serving and cleaning up? Please, be honest. 
I would take into account if anyone has little ones, especially between 1 and 2 who don't do well at a restaurant. Not sure what restaurants are open on Christmas eve??
Hhhmmm...can you have the kids eat first and then, while they're playing, have the adults eat?
ps- i always account for people helping with the cooking and cleaning. they usually do.
would family members think it's fair??? not sure... dessert and gift exchange sounds fun though! maybe you can have some of them bring dessert so you don't have to think about that part. they can make it ahead of time, rather than a side or main dish.
what about renting a hall or large room (conference/board room) and doing a potluck? You could also do the gift opening there. Just a thought.
Sorry, more info - the get together is held the weekend before Christmas and the age range of the kids is grade school on up. I should have added that before.
Can I assume from your post you would prefer dinner at home? I really do want to know how others would feel about it.
Suggested a hall before and the idea was quickly dismissed.
Well....LOL...I have a family of 5 if we go out to a nice dinner and sit for the couple of hours that we normally do, it is going to cost us a LOT of money. So I had hosted the year before (and in essence paid for everyone) then I have to say I would get a little frustrated. I personally much prefer having dinner at a home instead of a restruant, because you can be louder, move around a bit and talk more. It doesn't seem as rushed.
But if you could find the right place and the right price, I guess I wouldn't hate it. As long as you were really clear that we would do desserts and coffee at the house.
I guess it really depends on the ages of the kids and the cost of the meal.
I would find it hard to cough up that much money for my large family, especially a week before Christmas. I would much prefer it at home.
My sister always has Thanksgiving at her place, and I always do Christmas. There are 5 kids in my own family, and then all of our families, so we normally have well over 20 people. We do have the table extended into the living room, but there have also been times that we've eaten on our laps. When we extend the tables, the kids usually end up at one, and the adults at the other. We always do potluck, and most people take their dirty dishes back home with them. We use heavy paper plates. It just makes everything so much easier on the person hosting.
Could you do kids eating first?
I don't think you can expect them to pay for their own meals...they don't charge you when you go to their sit downs... I realize it's not the same thing, but as Kaye pointed out, when you host you are essentially paying for everyone (groceries) so when it's someone else's turn you should assume it's your year to not have to pay anything.
Why don't you have it catered in your own home? That could be the best of both worlds for you! Someone else will cook and clean up, but it will be in your own house.
The kids could always eat first, but I don't know how much that would help. I was looking at a couple of local restaurants and their prices and one had a luncheon served until 4pm for less than $12 a head (adult). I thought that was pretty reasonable.
they don't charge you when you go to their sit downs
I realize I may be coming off sounding cheap and lacking etiquette, but actually, everyone is expected to bring a dish, so while we aren't being charged when we go, we are expected to contribute. We were invited to an adults-only dinner his siblings organized and we all paid our own way. I do understand what you are saying, and when I've hosted parties on my own (birthday, graduation, etc.), I've footed the entire bill. But it's been the norm for everyone to help out financially for the family holiday party.
I would rather eat at home, too, but we are already stepping over each other as it is. If only I could have the party in the yard, I wouldn't have this problem. (Too cold.)
I do appreciate the opinions! Keep them coming. I'm not trying to sway anyone to my view, but I have a feeling that all the issues brought up here will be argued by them if DH does suggest it. Can you tell yet that I have very little say?
I would be fine with it, really. Even with small kids and a newborn, I would be totally up for a restaurant meal. I would fully expect to pay for our own family, and everyone else to do the same.
I would maybe send out invites early with all the details so people can save up the $$ if they need to. If they can't join you for dinner at the restaurant, then they can just meet up at your house for dessert and gifts.
I would be fine with it.
I would probably not come for dinner and just come for dessert. I don't like big family dinners at restaurants. Also, some families are funny about holiday traditions being changed in any way, shape, or form, so you might encounter some resistance w/that.
Sometimes change is good. If the family knows the size of your home for hosting a sit down dinner, eating out may be an option.
Personally, I don't like eating out on holidays. I love tasting the dishes that everyone brings. But since you are eating a week before the actual holiday, I just consider this a precelebration and eating out wouldn't bother me.
I would be concerned about how everyone feels about paying their own way. If no one in your family is in financial straights and they see eating out as common, then no big deal. But if there are members who are stressed at paying for dinner, then that isn't fair for them.
The dessert afterwards at home sounds really nice.
The worst thing that can happen is they say NO. And you are left right back at home anyway. So I would just ask your family now while the pressure of deciding is not so heavy.
Personally, for me, it is all about being together during the holidays. So no, it wouldn't bother me.
I would throw it out there, especially since your dh is okay with it(since it is his family). Like someone else said, they worst they can do is say no.
I like the going out to dinner, and then having dessert and opening gifts at your house.
I *personally* don't like the idea of the restaurant, if I'm being honest. I completely see where you're coming from for the home part, though. We've ALWAYS hosted our family Christmas, simply because we always had the most room. That's around 20 people for us (for my side).
We've never had a formal sit-down though. Is that an idea for you? We always have a non-traditional meal, more like a carry-in. Like last year it was a huge pot of chili, chips, tons of baked desserts, and hotdogs for the kids. The year before it was BBQ pork sandwiches, mac & cheese, baked beans. We're talking Chinet and canned drinks. People sit where they sit and enjoy each other's company. Someone brings drinks, chips, maybe a dish. Clean-up is basically trash can except for the food dishes. I actually love it because the clean-up doesn't really get put on anyone too much (everyone throws their stuff away when their finished since it's paper), and it's not formal. I like the informality of it.
I wouldn't like going to a restuarant, or paying for it. Ditto Dana on them saying no and the financial part of the meal. The worst they can say is no. Good luck
I may be a bit ticked if I had done all the work last year and the person this year decided just to go out to dinner instead of doing the work.
But on the other hand I may welcome going out to dinner as long as it was not a very expensive place
We have a Christmas Eve tradition in our family that may work for you for your get-together. We have more of a drop-in snack type of thing, usually with a theme. Everyone brings a food that fits the theme. One year it was Mexican, one year it was Asian, one year it was simply hors'dovres (sp?). There is never a sit-down meal, everyone basically grazes. The foods are placed on the dining table, but the chairs are removed to the living room for extra seats in there. It is also served on sturdy paper plates to help with clean-up.
Another idea is, skip the meal altogether and have only desserts and gift opening. Personally, I get really tired of all the big meals and feeling crummy afterwards during the holidays. I would love to be able to eat something light and healthy for a meal at home and then have dessert later.
If you are the host then you can do it any way you want. I know that it's hard to go against the grain, but it can be done. My mother had a cow one Christmas Day when I didn't make a "traditional" meal. She was shocked that there weren't the standard dishes like mashed potatoes, corn, and sweet potato casserole on the table, but she got over it. Most of the family actually liked that we did something different. Since then every few years I change things up and skip the standards. I guess what I am saying is, do what works for you, even if it is different from the norm.
My SIL always does Christmas. She makes most of the meal and we all bring stuff to share. She has the Christmas dishes, glasses, tablecloth, etc. One year, she said she felt bad, that she didn't make a turkey dinner with all the fixin's, like Gary's mom always used to do. She spends Christmas Eve at her mom's and only gets home Christmas day afternoon. She did what worked for her and I guess made a new tradition for everyone else. (I wasn't around when Gary's mom was alive, so not a new tradition for me.) We love her menu, ham, sweet potates, cheesy hash browns, baked beans, green bean casserole, and stuff like that. A lot she makes ahead and only has to warm up.
One Christmas we decided to just do *finger foods* - we were tired of cooking large Thanksgiving and then Christmas meals. We had vegie platters with dips, cheese platters, crackers/chips/hummus, cold cuts, fruits and fruit dip, artichoke balls, and even microwave BBQ shrimp. Maybe some other things, can't remember now. Anyway, the point is, if you do something like that, it's not a huge, heavy meal, and it's casual! You don't have to worry about formal seating, it's great for kids, people can pretty much sit and eat when and where they want to.
Okay I have read a lot of these posts.. no not all of them. And I have a question..
Sunny, were you trying to figure out a way not to cook? or was this a way to have everyone somewhere besides your house most of the time because your house is not big enough for all the people and everyone ends up tripping on everyone else?
If it is a thing of not wanting to cook well I know the grocery stores around here do tradition meals that they cook and you just reheat for not too bad of a price and they taste pretty good too (we do this at work for Thanksgiving).
If it is the space issue well I would suggest the restaurant and if everyone gets upset then tell them that maybe they should skip your house and do it at someone else's house. I can totally understand the size of the house problem because I have a rather small house so we end up having family gatherings always at my sister's or my mom's.
Just like I tell my kids all you can do is ask and them say no. If they get upset that you asked that is their problem not yours. I know people who would have not even asked and just told everyone that is what they were doing right before the event.
We do Christmas at our house for dh's immediate family. Our house is small but it is the largest of the three. I decided a few years ago I did not want a traditional Christmas dinner. When we moved into this house my mil figured it would be okay to have dinner here if she cooked it. It was still a major hassle, I still had a lot to clean up and we don't have room for everyone to sit down and eat anyway. I do like everyone coming here,although my in-laws may disagree . I just set out snacks and finger foods. Plus my parents and siblings drop in at some point, although this is the first year my siblings have kids so I'm not sure what happens now.
For us, two days before Christmas dh's whole extended family gets together at the church hall and does some type of theme meal like mentioned above. There are so many dinners, snacks, cookies circulating I don't miss the big meal on Christmas day. My in laws say it doesn't feel like Christmas but I haven't gotten an invitation to eat at their house
I know we personally could not afford a sit down dinner close to Christmas out of the blue, it might happen with some planning, so if you decide to run that idea by everyone I wouldn't wait very much longer. Good luck! I know it's hard if not impossible to make everyone happy.
I totally know where you are coming from as far as not having a ton of room for hosting a party. My home is not very big either. The restaurant idea is nice, but I really think that having buffet style at your home the way you have done it before sounds great. I love getting together with family and to me it doesn't matter how the food is served or how you eat it. Hang in there sweetie, you'll figure out how you want to do it and I bet it will turn out great. Good luck.
I honestly wouldn't care one way or the other, but dh's family would have a fit, so I do know where you are coming from in the resistance department.
They are HUGE on their traditions and would not be happy if I would try to change them. I am not going to say that is bad because it is how they feel, but they really take it to the extream. The same kind of candy has to be out in bowls EVERY year, same kinds of foods same EVERYTHING!! They even have people bring the same thing year after year because no one makes moms potato salad they same way she does etc.
I can tell you that going to out to eat would not work for them. They would take it as me not wanting to have it at my home. Wouldn't make a bit of difference my reasons for wanting to change it. So let me just guess on some of the things I would hear about your idea....... if your going to have us all back to your house for dessert and gifts, what makes the difference if we just eat there? We will all still be there! If it doesn't bother us that we are all crammed in there why should it bother you, we are ok with it! I would also likely hear that I don't like their traditions and want to change them to my own.
I would say it is one day a year and even at that, you only have to have it every so often. So what, it is one day every three years or something like that? I would just do it their way to avoid any type of hurt feelings. I can say with almost certainty that if I were to suggest what you are suggesting, one of dh's sisters would take my turn and I would never host it again. I would be black balled. LOL
I apologize for not getting back here sooner.
I appreciate everyone's feedback. I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place. My house is small and it's going to come down to either eating the main meal somewhere else or deli platters/hot roast beef and other finger foods here. I am leaving it up to DH to make the suggestion to his family and handle any fallout from it. I expect they won't go for it.
Someone asked if it was because I wanted to get out of cooking or if it's because of lack of space and, while I don't relish the idea of cooking two huge meals in one week, with the family growing every year and more people added to the celebration, my house seems to grow smaller and smaller. LOL If I could only stretch these walls!
I don't mind having everyone here. I do mind not having the flexibility to do things differently. There are two people who seem to make all the family-related decisions in DH's family, and I'm not one of them. And believe me, they've let me know where I stand.
To give you an idea of where I stand and the kind of relationship I have with them, they planned a surprise birthday party for my DH and informed me of it AFTER most of the details had been worked out. I've only been married to DH for 20 years! Had they asked me about doing it beforehand, I could have told them that it was a bad time and a surprise party was the last thing he needed. But, they didn't ask me and didn't consider my feelings, or his, and as hurt as I was then, I am still trying to let it go. They realized at the time that it backfired, but it did, unfortunately, cause some resentment on my part that hasn't yet gone away completely. Can you tell?
I understand where you are coming from, families are tough sometimes. I wish you the best of luck with the family and Christmas plans. Like many others, I think the restaurant sounds fine, but I would worry about the money for some of the family. I also think, if anyone chooses not to go to the restaurant, they will feel left out, and there will be hard feelings later. I really like the idea of dessert after dinner. Make sure to let us know how it all comes out.
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