Finances and older parents
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2008:
Finances and older parents
Not sure of the right title and not sure if anyone has any info. But I was hoping some one could point me in the right direction.
My inlaws, age 63 and 68 are not in very good health. My MIL (68) has insurance and a tiny retirement and draws ss. I think about 1000 a month. My FIL was in a car wreck 20 years ago and hasn't really worked since, so he has no med benefits and isn't old enough for ss, and doesn't quality for disablity.
The thing is, he can't physically take care of himself, and my MIL can't mental take care of them. FIL fell and broke 6 ribs, colapsed a lung and has blood sugar so high you can't imagine. He is in the icu for at least 3-4 more days. My MIL apparently has had a small stroke while visiting. So she isn't really speaking coherently. We live 5 hours away, so not really in their world. My bi and sil dont' really deal with things. Ideally they need to be in some sort of a home. They really don't have any money, and although we can afford our 3rd, the others cannot. And we really can't afford more than our 3rd (and that would be really tight). So is there a way? Are there some finanacial options? They spoke with a social worker at the hospital and really not much was said. They are going to take care of med stuff, but no one is addressing that they will be out of the hospital in a week or two and then what?
So I was curious, any ideas? any great websites? I have made better plans for my dad, but we did so with money, not after the fact..if you know what i mean.
Thanks,
Heidi can probably give you some good advice on this. She has dealt with agencies when assisting her mother.
One thing I would encourage is to try and get them closer to you. If the other siblings aren't going to really deal with things and it's up to you and your DH, get them moved closer to you. It will be much less stressful.
Your state department on aging website might be a good place to start, too. Good luck.
The department of aging, or the equivalent would be the best place to start. ((((Kaye)))) This sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Definitely start with the County Office of Aging, and the state Department of Aging. Get in touch with both of them.
Good luck. I hope you are able to get some assistance.
Thanks for all the starting points. This is a difficult situation for many reasons. The obvious is they are just bad off enough they need help, but not quite bad off enough to easily accept health. Also they are my inlaws, my hubby is the follow the flow boy, so we don't really have and decision making say.
Oh and his sis, she is single, no kids, and does NOT want to do this on her own. But she doesn't really communicate well and doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of a family. To me it is simple. Someone has to be in charge. She is the only daughter and is the closest to mom. She needs to take on that role, and then tell the brothers what needs done. But she wants everyone to make decisions. Which is great in theory, but no one really agrees at the right starting point. So we spend a lot of time talking and NO time doing. Also NO ONE has any clue about how much money they have coming in, and sis seems to think that it is an invasion of their privacy to look into that. UH..REALLY?? We can't get any help without knowing that.
The other really different thing. I guess having a family teaches you that you can't really change people. You can retrain kids a little, but mostly you figure out how to work with their personalities. Well she is a neat freak. So to her the biggest problem is how dirty their house is. And it is...it is sooo bad. Apparently they haven't taken the trash out in over a month. So her first answer is to go clean house. She thinks if the house was clean they then could live by themselves. Well geesh, I have cleaned my kids rooms before, they don't stay that way, they have to work at it and WANT them clean. So although I agree the house has to be clean (and I want to hire it done!), that won't fix anything. Now we could hire a housekeeper to come in regularly, but no one really can afford that. And she still doesn't seem to see that the problem is not that the house is a mess, but more that they don't seem to get that the house is a mess!
They have two dogs, that are rarely let outside...it is just so gross. And my FIL uses a walker and is really unstable. So these dogs have contributed to his falling on several occasions. So to me, parting with the dogs sounds like it helps two issues. But no one agrees with me. Thinks it will just break their hearts. And yes it would, but better their hearts then the punctured lung FIL got from his fall this time..right?
Anyway...thanks for letting me rant a bit. I am a control person, I like to make a plan and stick with it. hubbys family isn't really that way. So I feel like my hands are tied. MIL was released from the hospital last night, she isn't allowed to be alone for at least 2 weeks. FIL will be in the hospital for at least 2 more weeks. Everyone there works, sil is having surgery oct 16 (a hyst.). So I said, look, how bout I come get her and she visits with us for 2 weeks. We have been planning a trip this direction for sometime and haven't been able to make it work because FIL really has to have someone around to call 911, when needed. I thought this sounded like a great idea. Well SIL doesn't think MIL will go for it. So what is our other option? Can we hire someone? Can I come stay there for 2 weeks, that would be easier...UH NO it would be much harder for us. Anyway, so instead of taking the easy way, they are still looking for an answer. She is staying tonight with MIL's sister. But NO one plans to stay at her house with her because it is disgusting, so being confused here really isn't any different. ugh!
Kaye - how do you know FIL cannot qualify for SSDI now? How recently has he tried/was he rejected? What about SSI? Something doesn't seem right there.......sounds like they clearly need help and should qualify for some........
Also - a bit off topic, but something your DH and his siblings should probably address SOONER rather than later is one of them getting durable power of attorney for each parent - at some point this is DEFINITELY going to become an issue. And it sounds like sooner rather than later.
Kaye, also check the AARP website and see if they have any counseling or volunteer programs in your inlaw's area.
And yes, durable power of attorney - both for health care and for financial affairs. And the one for financial affairs is going to be a real sticky one.
The County Office of Aging is federally mandated to provide a number of programs - I'm not sure which are federally mandated and which are not. When we used them, in a Philadelphia suburb, they came out and assessed the house in terms of my parents' needs, what should be changed, and also what elderly assistance programs might be available. If your in-laws are on Medicare, is it possible to get a home health aide an hour or two a day, and a visiting nurse once or twice a week, especially after FIL is discharged from the hospital? This is something the County Office of Aging should know about.
Oh, and if the social service / social worker office of the hospital doesn't help with getting things organized, the magic words to use in making a complaint are "inadequate discharge planning". Medicare really doesn't want people readmitted a few weeks or a month after discharge when proper discharge planning and home help would have prevented the readmission.
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