Help - dh has been letting my ds sit in the front seat of the car!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2008:
Help - dh has been letting my ds sit in the front seat of the car!
I am so upset right now, I am shaking. My dh continues to let my 9 yr. old ds sit in the front seat of the car! I have caught him doing this before, and I have talked to him until I am blue in the face. I have told him that ds could DIE from the front airbag!!!! I have told him I would NEVER forgive him if something happen to ds.
He still continues to do it. I just happen to look out the window when they just drove off, and once again ds was in the front seat.
Besides the safety issue, he is totally undermining me, and my authority because we all know this is a rule, A BIG rule, and I know he is telling ds not to tell me.
I just don't know what to do! Any suggestions. What do I do to get through to my dh?
first thing I would do is turn off the front passenger airbag. If it is a law in your state I would see if an officer would be willing to say that he recieved a call about it. He could say that another motorist wrote down the license number. Maybe if he heard that he could get a ticket for it then he would stop. Other than that since you can't trust him to do the right thing I wouldn't let him take your ds with him alone.
Good luck!
Sometimes I have to explain things to my dh. Something like
"I understand that you think that nothing is going to happen and that you won't get in a accident. But there is the reason they are called 'accidents!!' It could have nothing to do with you. You can be driving along very safely and then BAM! Someone who is drunk, or texting while driving or just not paying attention can slam into YOU and our son! He is to small and young to sit in the front seat because the airbag that is meant to save you or I could kill a smaller child in the front seat."
Your son may be asking if he could sit in the front seat and dh is just trying to be a nice, cool dad. So in a way he is thinking of his son, but he really needs to think about keeping son safe instead.
I just had this conversation with my kids. They were saying "X's mom lets her sit in the front seat, why can't I?"
So I just explained how the airbag could really hurt him/her in the front seat because they are still to small and that they had to wait till they are about 12 years old before they sit in the front. My kids were fine with that, because they don't want to end up really hurt or in the hospital.
Yikes! I'd be furious. Tell him to read the warning on the sun visor on the passenger side. Most vehicles make it clear how dangerous it is for kids to sit in the front seat. Also show him this info:
Air Bags
Air bag Info Video
Emily, unless in a pickup truck or 2 seater sports car, most vehicles don't have a switch to turn off the airbag.
You are right, you have two issues here. They have to be addressed seperately.
First the undermining you. You need to find a time that you are not furious and sit down and talk about parenting as a team. That when he doesn't follow your rules, then you have a harder time with the kids. And he makes things easier on you if you can agree on the rules.
second with the airbag passenger bit. How big is your child? Is he on the edge of being big enough? My 10 year old is so tiny it would be ridiculous. My 12 year old was plenty big (110 pouinds 5 ft tall) when he was 10. So all kids aren't created equally. You need to be clear with your dh about what the laws are and what the safe choice is. It isn't about laws, it is about lives. But I know my husband needed to hear the real numbers, weight, height. Then I heard the counter of some driving adults aren't big enough to sit in the front seat. Then we talked about posture and body thickness, and how the bones are softer. And we watched a lot of videos. The next best thing is to make sure that passengers seat is all the way back, but all adults should do that too.
I am a big proponent of car seat and proper uses. But I will also say, that people have lost their common sense when it comes to such things. And it goes both ways. People who under use seats and people who over use seats. There are weight limits on car seats and if they aren't used within the proper weight limits your child is also in danger.
Thanks for the videos Trina, maybe they will help.
Kaye, the problem is that dh's car has front airbags that can not be turned off. In my van, my front seat has a sensor that will turn off the airbag if someone/something too light is in the seat. He can't do this. So, I guess I really don't understand why he would endanger our child, which he is basically doing because of the airbag. Ds is not small, he is no longer in a booster. He passes the test to be out of it. I guess I just don't get it. Dh is normally a pretty responsible parent. But, this too me is just so irresponsible.
I think I am just going to calmly ask him why he does this. I have always been pretty angry when we have talked about it before. I don't know if he just wants to be cool, he doesn't want to say no....I don't know. None of these are reason enough to put our child in harms way.
Unfortunately, the undermining is not a new thing. He will let the dks do things that he knows are no-no's, things that we have agreed together are no-no's. I have come to realize he likes being the "good guy" Unfortunatley, he doesn't realize this is slowly ruining our marriage. I honestly think he doesn't get it. He thinks these things are no big deal. It doesn't matter what I say.
Have you talked to your son about the dangers? Maybe it might be a pitiful moment when the son says "No, dad. I would be killed."
hhhmmm....or, just somehow mention in front of other people that he does this and let them express their anger?
i just think it's really sad that he's doing this almost out of spite. is he one of those guys who never says anything is wrong but yet is passive-aggressive? to use the kids in this manner is absolutely appalling.
and, i'm curious, WHY would he do that? does he ever tell the kids "no"? is this the only way he is asserting his "manhood" into the marriage as a "leader"? ugh. i'm just sad for you...
Ugh. You've been given good suggestions. Emily stayed in the back seat, until she turned 13. I never made a big deal out of it. When the commercials started talking about being in the back seat until you're 12, she just stayed in the back seat, by her own choice, because she knew it was the right thing to do.
I was going to suggest what Heidi said. Talk to your son about the dangers and tell him that his dad doesn't seem to understand that it can be so dangerous. Explain to him that you want him to be the big person about this and refuse to ride in the front seat because he wants to be safe. Tell him this would make you very proud.
I had to do this with my children because my dad gave them the option to sit in the front seat going from our house to his, which is on the same property, but you have to go onto the main road to get to his driveway. Not worth the chance to me, and the kids agreed.
I talked to dh last night. I was calm, which is a first when discussing this. It was actually a pretty good talk.
At dinner, dh announced to our dks that they would be sitting in the back seat until they were older. He told them he had made a mistake, and wasn't thinking of their safety. So, I guess I got through this time.
I guess I don't see how airing this out in public, so people get angry at dh would help. I honestly believe that dh did not really think this through...didn't think about the consequences. He is overall a good man, and he doesn't do things out of spite or to assert his manhood. Usually, when dh does not so great things it is because he really doesn't think them through. Most of what dh does stems from having an absent father that didn't treat his mother, sibling, or himself well. Dh tends to go overboard to show his love for our dks, which is why he overdoes it sometimes. I actually sat down, and thought things through, and thought about exactly what I wanted to say before I talked to him. In the past, I was always so angry about this that I just kind of went off, which doesn't do a darn bit of good. He did tell me he was sorry that he was undermining me, and he didn't think about that when he would give in.
As far as feeling sorry for me, don't.  Do I always like what dh does, no...is he perfect, no...but neither am I. And, our marriage is far from perfect, but I married him, I love him, and I will do what it takes to make things work. He loves me, and he loves our dks. He just doesn't always make the best decisions.
I'm glad you had a nice talk and are now presenting a united front on the issue! This sounds like a better situation.
Sounds like you made a good choice.
Sometimes we make mistakes and honestly just don't see it. Sometimes it is just a lack of information.
All marriages have issues, thumbs up for working through one. Really communication is the key, and I think calm communication really helps!
Sounds to me like you handled it very well, and dh responded well. Good for both of you.
I wonder if coming here to vent helped take the edge off your anger so you could think things through and work out a new approach? Personally, I find venting is very helpful to me, in that I do get my anger out and can then sit back and figure out how to achieve what I want to achieve (or, sometimes, even if I had a good reason for being angry).
You obviously had a very good reason for being angry, and certainly your dks' safety or lack of safety is a good reason for anger. That you found a way to get your point across without expressing anger says a lot of good things about you. That dh was able to listen when he wasn't being on the defensive says a lot of good things about him. Kaye is absolutely right - calm communication really helps.
Aahhh, yes, calming down and then talking with him. For some reason, I thought you had already done this, hence my confusion and offering the next steps...glad to see you both have found a good way to communicate!
Even more so, glad your kids are safe.
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