My dh's mom passed away in April. Since then he and his siblings and their father have been closer than they ever have been before. In many ways this is a good thing but it really is getting to a point that I am not sure it is healthy. This is what I am concerned about --- dh goes and helps his father with the checkbook and farming activiites which is great but if FIL wants something he calls DH and expects him to come right then to take care of it or talk about etc. and DH goes no matter what is going on with his job or with me and the kids. When I have tried to talk to dh about this he says " my sibling and my dad are my family and we have to take care of one another". I understand that but I thought that the kids and I were his family too and now it seems like we really aren't as important to him as his family of origin. We have been married for 17 years and I now feel like I am an outsider in "the family". He talkes to his siblings more throught the day than he does to me or the kids. This past Sunday his mom was given an award for her service to the church and the families were asked to stand. The other families who had a deceased family member honored all stood with kids-grandkids-etc. When it came time for mil dh's sisters said just "the the 5 of us will go up". Yesterday fil was admitted to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer and dh took 2 days off of work to sit with him. He was supposed to take our son to his first cub scout meeting tonight but I just got a message asking if I could do it as his sister's wouldn't be able to come until 7:00 and his dad is lonely and doesn't want to be there by himself. I know that it losing his mom was/is awful and i feel terrible for feeling the way i do but I really want my husband back and my kids want their dad. Is it terrible of me to ask him to talk to him about how right now I feel as if he doesn't consider me and the kids to be his realy family and that we are suffering because of that? i know he is suffering too but I don't know how much more we can take.

By Kaye on Tuesday, September 23, 2008 - 10:23 pm:

Tough question.

I have btdt. But I am the one who lost my mother. I am now unusually close to my father. When he gets sick it is very hard on me. I don't know what is right. But what i do know is. My mother dying, changed me. Some things for the better, some things not. But nonetheless, I am changed. I view the world and my relationships differently. I am more in love with my husband because of how he has handled this situation.

I also will acknowledge that I do take forgranted that I will have more time with my children than my father. Which is what it sounds like your husband is dealing with.

When you lose a parent, part of you dies, that part realizes that when the other parent dies, no one will remember that part. Does that makes sense? I mourn and grieve over not knowing did i do that as a kid (especially in parenting).

I don't have a sibling that I share this with (i have a sibling...we aren't close). But that also seems to be an issue with your dh. Someone takes on that role of in charge and it is hard to push back in the middle of a crisis.

What i do know. This takes time and it takes communication. My mother died 11 years ago. I finally feel a little bit better and not so bitter about it (really). Also I know that what your husband feels is real, and true and if you discount it it will harm your marriage. About 6 months after my mother died, my hubby basically said , when are you going to get over this and back to our old lives. Not word for word, but that is what he meant, I hated him for that, it was hard to forgive (and obviously i haven't forgotten).

Personally I think 5 months is asking a lot. I know it has been a long time to you. But really it takes a year for most people to start making sane decisions. My father and I had to make a 6 month rule, he wan't allowed to make a decision on his own without running it by me. He just didn't make good choices. Now we did this twice, my dad remarried 2 years after my mom died, that wife died just shy of 5 years in their marriage. So we got to do that whole grieving thing again, the second time we knew what to expect.

But I guess what I want to be clear, is everyone will do this their own way. And you have to let him. However, it is okay to talk with him about, how hard his mothers death is on all of you. But don't lose sight that this happened to HIM, not to you.

Not really great advice, just hugs really. It sucks to lose a parent and really until you are there, it is just hard to understand.

By Mommyof5 on Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 11:12 am:

Thanks for your response Kaye. It is helpful to know that you have experienced some of the same things that my dh is right now. It gives me hope that someday mauybe it won't be quite as painful for him.

By Colette on Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 02:14 pm:

Ditto Kaye, and it will probably be even worse when your fil passes away. My dh is an only child and he had elderly parents. His mother died very suddenly and within the following 9 mos we lost my fil as well. After the death of his mother, dh and his father had a new, much closer relationship. They did not have a great relationship prior to this. I don't know when or if you ever make peace with losing your parents. It's been a year this Saturday since my fil died and I still think of him every day. I would not stand in the way of your dh's relationship with his dad, try to understand it.

By Mommyof5 on Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 03:01 pm:

Just to be clear I am not saying that I do not want my dh have a close relationship with his siblings and his father. What concerns me is that he is shutting out our children and myself. My kids have lost their grandmother and in many ways they have lost their dad at least the dad that they used to know. I guess I was just wondering if there will ever be a place for the kids and myself in his life again. :-( Sorry if I didn't word it right in my original post.

By Colette on Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 05:42 pm:

I understand that, sorry if my post was misunderstood. The loss of a parent is life changing - neither dh or I will never be the same after experiencing these losses (his mother was closer to me than my own, and my fil and I became very close the last year of his life as well). I guess if your kids are upset, explain to them that dad is still really sad about losing grammy and wants to make sure pepe is ok.