Need some cypber support- craziness here
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2008:
Need some cypber support- craziness here
I'm going anon just in case of family doing some random search. I just posted about having a lot on my plate. It just got to be more. I also recently posted about my father in law being an alcoholic.
He was hospitalized the other night. He had been twice before for the same thing. He was feeling dizzy and his blood pressure was low. He usually really fights about going to the hospital but this time he didn't. His heart rate was dangerously fast. The levels of his heart meds in his system were low. One time that his heart rate accelerated they had to shock him, but this time around giving him iv medications was working. Of course he lied to the dr's about how much he drinks but they know better from the blood work. He was laid off work so that means he drinks more since he has no place he has to be.
My dh is a great man and he loves his dad. I've come to think of my fil like my own dad. Dh often gets "called to the rescue" by my mil since we live so close to them. Things are usually calm just his dad doesn't take much responsibility these days so dh helps out when he can.
About 2 am fil began calling mil and dh repeatedly to bring him his shirt, cell and wallet. They refused knowing he wanted to leave the hospital. He pulled out his iv's and it just made the monitors go crazy that were still on his chest. The staff said he was at risk for stroke or heart attack anyway and you can't just abruptly stop those meds. Fil's family along with my mil were getting together to go have some type of intervention. Dh said if he wasn't absolutely needed he'd rather not go. He was unsure of how much he can take.
So, dh goes out to get eggs and found his dad walking down the street with a hospital gown over his jeans. My mil was thinking of having him committed to the other hospital that also has a psych ward and now that is definitely happening. Dh and his brother managed to force my fil into a car and they are holding him in front of the hosptial awaiting a police escort to take him to the psych hospital. My fil announced in front of many witnesses he intended to go home and kill himself.
I'm killing time awaiting dh's return. I can't imagine what he is going through. This is going to get worse before it get better.
((((Hugs)))) As someone who has had to deal with her share of family members with mental illness, I can empathize with you and your DH. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is difficult on everyone. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there, Anon!
Turns out they weren't able to force him to stay since he didn't threaten himself in front of a doctor. He thinks everyone has turned on him and last I heard he was walking home. He said hateful things to everyone and told dh he would never forgive him and never see him again. My mil was advised to not go home simply since he is so unstable, but there isn't a history of violence or abuse. On Monday they can seek a petition to force him into the hospital. I hope my fil lives to even see Monday.
My prayers are with you and your family. My heart goes out to your dh, who is bearing much of the brunt of this (and you, of course, are trying to support dh and also getting the fallout). I urge your dh to look into AlAnon. He really needs the support of people who have been there done that and will truly understand. They can also be supportive of and helpful to your mil, who clearly needs all the support she can get. Just type AlAnon into Google and go the main site to get links to local groups.
And yes, unless someone is clearly an immediate danger to himself or others, he cannot be involuntarily committed. It's a real Catch-22, because what dh's family is trying to do is to get him committed *before* he becomes an immediate danger to himself. The reasons are that in the past it was all too easy to commit people involuntarily and families would often commit a family member who was simply "inconvenient" rather than being a danger or being in danger.
Ginny, your right it is a catch 22. I understand why it is the way it is.
Dh is sleeping now, poor guy. He said it was a nightmare watching his brother carry his dad for two blocks and watching his dad get handcuffed, listening to him say he was going to blow his brains out.
His dad called a while ago saying he felt dizzy. Dh asked him what exactly the point was of calling and telling him this, why was he trying to make him feel bad, that his dad needed to take responsibility, etc. Dh worries about his dad's health and it is so frustrating that he just doesn't care. His dad started flipping out asking why his whole family was trying to have him sent away for years and that everyone was laughing at him, lots of things that make no sense. Members of the family are petitioning a judge Monday to have him admitted against his will. He left two hospitals today against doctor's orders.
My father used to be one of my very best friends, we would sit and talk for hours about every subject, stimulating conversations. I really miss that.
I definitely will be looking into al-anon. It affects everyone that is for sure. The kids are staying at my parents now so they aren't around to hear anything or notice the stress level around here.
Anon, with respect, your kids will hear and will notice. I suggest that you and dh need to figure out what and how much to tell them. They already know something is wrong, and may be making it worse in their minds than it already is.
Kids will hear and if they don't hear it from you, they will hear it from a neighbor or a schoolmate or a so-called friend, and what they hear will almost certainly be worse than what you tell them, and it won't be told to them with love and with the opportunity for them to ask questions and get some truthful and maybe comforting answers.
It's good that they are with your parents to be out of the immediate mess, but at some point you and dh will have to be reasonably truthful with them, if for no other reason than to protect them from what they will hear from others. If you and dh don't talk to them, you can be pretty sure that they will worry about what they hear and in their minds will make it worse. And, by talking to them, you can help them sort out what they will say to others who raise the subject with them - which will almost certainly happen. Some people will mean well and will ask questions because they are concerned, others will just want to talk about rumors they've heard, and some may be just out and out nasty - and your kids need to know how to handle all that.
Anon, I have to ditto Ginny. Your FIL is exhibiting classic symptoms of addiction, in addition to his other health problems. And from what you write, he is depressed as well and apparently not taking his meds as prescribed.
And I am familiar with trying to have someone involuntarily committed. Sometimes I think the system is a joke, because you are clearly trying to prevent him doing something to himself.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, it's such a hard thing to live with.
But again, I ditto Ginny.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{HUGS}}}
Thanks. We are going to give a kid sized explanation I just didn't want them around the initial fall out of yelling and passing blame which has been going on for most of today. It feels so surreal like I've been thrown into some soap opera and I wasn't even there to witness anything. The kids are used to seeing their pop on a daily basis although that hasn't really been the case lately anyway. He hasn't been coming around since I've been annoyed with him. I am just so exhausted and drained.
His dad seems to believe everyone ganged up on him, but I think he is just trying to convince himself of that to keep anything from being his fault. He has no idea they are thinking of going before a judge Monday and dh is wondering if that is the right thing to do or not. Dh has spent the majority of the time home today on the phone with various family members.
I'm thankful I get an outlet from coming on here. It's familiar and comfortable and non judgemental. I hope tomorrow has some aspect of peace.
Some suggestions/questions. Do you have a lawyer? You'll need one to get very far. Does fil have a lawyer? Does fil have access to money? Can mil move money from their joint accounts to one in her name only - not all of it, but most of it. Can anyone get the hospital records of this recent hospitalization? That he left the hospital without even going through discharge - just walking out - could be important. Will the family testify about previous episodes.
Be aware that alcholism is not usually sufficient to get involuntary hospitalization. The family will seriously have to show that he is an immediate danger to himself, which means that either he is very likely to kill himself by a positive action on his part, or he is so physically ill that without immediate medical treatment he is in fairly imminent danger of death or serious injury. I'm sorry, but it really isn't all that simple to get an involuntary mental health hospitalization.
And, if the family is able to get an involuntary mental health hospitalization, it will only be for a relatively short period of time. Most likely until he is, in effect, detoxed and able to speak intelligently and coherently. And then you will be back where you started until and unless he admits to himself and the rest of you that he has a problem and chooses on his own to seek help. Alcoholism, like any other addiction, is very difficult to break.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and I hope for the best, but you can see that I'm not optimistic. I again urge you, dh, and mil to get in touch with AlAnon and get as much support and help and advice as you can get. These are the people with experience with all of the systems you will be dealing with, and they really can help.
They have decided against trying to get a court order. Dh went today and got his dad's prescriptions filled. He is not yet to the point of realizing right or wrong everyone was concerned for his best interests. I can see why he would feel ganged up on because he is in defense mode. Mil, dh and I spoke last night about al-anon and my fil's mom wants to go as well. I have to wait until tomorrow to call the meeting times for our area are not available online.
Dh said he doesn't know if his dad will even be able to get past his son(dh's brother) literally picking him up physically and forcing him into the car. My dh is rather sensitive, open about feelings and his brother is the complete opposite. Although his wife told me she has seen him cry twice and they were both due to his father's behavior while drinking.
My mil stayed here last night and she is not planning on returning home anytime soon. She is the target of his anger anyway so that's heightened now.
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