If someone was apologizing to you about how they have treated you almost your whole life would want to hear the apology from there mouth or in an email. Dh's Dad sent him a email and dh and his father have a very not so good relationship. So he emails hubby with this apology. Like dh said if he was truely sorry he would of called dh would of talked to him no problem. It has been maybe 5 months since they spoke. I think dh is tired of all the lies. Would you want an apology by email just curious

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 01:02 pm:

An apology is an apology. Mind you, I don't know all the details, but I think I would accept the apology, as long as your DH's Dad is taking steps to better himself and improve the relationship.

By Tunnia on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 01:59 pm:

I have to agree with Trina, an apology is an apology. Sometimes people write an apology because they want to make sure they don't forget to "say" everything that needs to be said. Maybe that was why your fil wrote his apology rather than calling.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 02:23 pm:

I guess if I were approached in an email, I would respond in an email. If it were a conversation, I would apologize on the phone or in person.
Sounds like the lines are not open either way though...at least there was an apology...men can be so stubborn.

By Colette on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 03:23 pm:

Ditto Trina. Maybe he is afraid of your dh's reaction to his apology, or maybe it's easier for him to express himself through writing. Life is WAY to short for things like this.

By Kaye on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 06:18 pm:

I guess I am going to look at it a little differently.

You cannot change the father, you can only change you. So no matter what dad did, it is done. Dh has to decide if that is good enough. If it isn't then respond appropriately.

But the reality is they haven't had good communication, so why would he expect that to change? An apology doesn't guarantee change, just acknowledgement of something done wrong.

I think I would take it as a start and email back and say so. Something like, apology accepted, but from now on we need to communicate like adults.

By Rayelle on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 07:13 pm:

I've had my share of family communication break downs, battles and dysfunctions. After a few spells of not speaking, my parents came to me in person. I personally did not like this, I felt put on the spot without time to gather my own thoughts. Basically since they had a change of heart and wanted forgiveness they assumed that's all I had to process. So, I think I might like an email. Maybe his dad was afraid of rejection? If dh wants to try to open the lines again then he could email him back, saying he'd like to talk in person or he can just let it go.

By Tarable on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - 07:24 pm:

I personally would accept the apology because then even if the communication doesn't get any better you are not holding a grudge and you can put it in the past...

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - 06:32 am:

It's really dh's decision, of course. But, until he finds it within himself to forgive his father, I think your dh won't be able to move on. I don't mean that he has to agree that what his father did was right, but rather, accept that father is who he is and couldn't help himself because he didn't want to change enough to try to change. It does sound like father is trying to reach out, and maybe recognizes what he did and how hurtful it was.

My mom's mother was a true b***h. Examples: When I was a little girl, my mom gloried in my long hair. Mom got polio and I was sent to grandma while mom was in the hospital. I was just 3. The first thing grandma did was get my hair cut into a dutch bob. Grandma didn't like my father, and after they married and old boyfriends would ask about her, grandma would send those old boyfriends over to my parents' apartment, but didn't tell them mom was married. My grandparents moved from Chicago to Cleveland, and later divorced. Grandpa got sick and was in a VA hospital for 6 months before he died; grandma didn't tell my mother (who adored her father) until 6 months after he had died. Fast forward, I was in my mid 30's, we were broke, and out of the blue came a letter from grandma with a money order for Christmas presents for my children. I wrote back a thankyou. The next letter from grandma was a litany of complaints about how awful my parents were, what terrible people they were. I wrote back saying I'd like to be in touch with her because I had good memories of the times I spent with her as a child, but that I loved my parents and did not want to hear anything bad about them. I never heard from her again. When grandma was in her 90s, she was still telling my mother's sister that sister was not to be in touch with my mom, or grandma would stop speaking to mom's sister. (My aunt didn't buy into this and she and my mom talked almost weekly until mom died.) So when I say this was a nasty person, you can understand why.

My mom resented and was bitter about her mother until my mom's dying day. I can say that because just two nights before mom died, we were talking about family and mom talked about her mother and how much she disliked - almost hated - her. My mom just couldn't let go of her resentment and anger over the things her mother did. And it was a cloud over my mother's life. I firmly believe that if she had been able to accept and move on, my mom would have been a happier person.

My dad also had a very dysfunctional family. His father remarried after dad's mother died, and the stepmother was a real piece of work. My dad was so unhappy he moved out to live with a friend's family when he was 15. Stepmother remained nasty most of her life, and until they divorced, my dad's father went along with her and let her call the tune in the relationship with my father. But my dad did move on. He did two things - first, he decided that although both he and mom came from not very nice families, they were going to build the kind of family they wanted. I have said before and will always say, I couldn't have had better parents or a happier childhood and growing up. Second, my dad did forgive his father. When grandpa was ill, dad drove from Chicago to California to be with him and got there just before grandpa died. It was a difficult and, given my family's finances, expensive trip, but my dad never regretted the time or difficulty or expense and, I think, was a happier person for it, having come to terms with his father and making peace.

I hope these stories are helpful to your husband.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - 06:35 am:

I agree with Collette - maybe dad found this a safer way to communicate. Would dh really have wanted dad on your doorstep, as happened to Rayelle? Kaye is right, I think, in suggesting that dh try to take it as a start to a change in the relationship. If things don't change, dh is no worse off than he was before. But if there is a chance for change, wouldn't dh want that to happen?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - 06:36 am:

Oh, and sometimes I just hate the impersonality of e-mail. I think that kind of communication should have been sent in a real letter by snailmail, which is a bit more personal.