My dh and I are going through a very rough patch in our marriage. We're struggling a bit financially and have grown apart over the last year or so. I nearly had an affair this spring and my heart really isn't into rebuilding my marriage, even though we've been married for 11 years. My dh isn't a bad man, he doesn't abuse me or our dks, doesn't drink or cheat on me but he's very content with our lifestyle of living paycheck to paycheck and takes me for granted. I'm so tired of dealing with him wasting money on childish things and ignoring my wants or needs in nearly every aspect of our lives. We work opposite shifts in order to not have our dks in childcare so often we are ships passing in the night.

So, as a last ditch effort, we have a marital counseling appointment next week. I have a suspicion that this will make things worse before it gets better and I'm really struggling with how difficult life is right now, already. Have any of you gone through anything similar and can you give me some idea of what to expect from our appointment? I've never seen a counselor of any kind and I don't know what kinds of things she's going to want to know about our lives.

By Anonymous on Friday, August 22, 2008 - 10:48 pm:

Dh and I went to marriage counseling several years ago. The first session our counselor had us write 5 things we felt were issues in our marriage, and 5 great things about our marriage. As far as the problems, dh and I pretty much had the same ones. We then basically brainstormed things we could do to work out the problems. He focused on each of us taking responsibility for the problems, and then what we could each do to make things better. We also focused a lot on communication, and how to effectively communicate with each other. It really did help a lot. But, I will say you do have to go in with the right attitude. You have to be willing to do the work, and put forth the effort to make things better.

By Conni on Friday, August 22, 2008 - 11:12 pm:

I don't have much advice. Just wanted to let you know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. {{HUGS}}

Make sure you find a counselor you like and keep an open mind.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 07:32 am:

Here's the thing about counseling. If you go into the counseling and are totally honest with yourself and with the counselor, you will almost certainly feel worse for a time before things start getting better. You have been hiding things from yourself and your spouse for a long time - for good reason, because they hurt or would be hurtful. Pulling that stuff out, laying it on the table and looking at it is going to be painful.

But if you're not honest with yourself and with the counselor, the counseling won't work.

I am speaking from experience - my own (both personal and marital counseling), and watching my son go to counselor after counselor with no change until he finally brought himself to the point of being (painfully) honest, which is when it finally began to work.

The bottom line question is - do you really want to try to find a way to make the marriage work for you? If you do, you will want to work through the painful parts in the hope that in the end, you will come out better people with a better marriage. If you are only going to counseling because you want to be able to say that you tried everything but it didn't work, so that you can put it behind you, it won't work. So the first place you have to be honest is with yourself about why you are doing this.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 07:38 am:

As for rough patches - there is no guarantee that a marriage will always be a happy one or a good one. Almost every marriage goes through rough patches, and sometimes those patches can last a long time, even a year or two. Only you can decide whether the marriage, the relationship is worth working through the rough patches.

My parents had been married 60 years when my father died. They went through more than one rough patch, and at least one lasted about 3 years. They worked through each rough time, and managed to come out the other side more committed to each other and to the marriage. But, they worked at it, really hard some times. Marriage is a job like any other. You work at parenting, and you have to work at being married - neither is trouble free, and both are worth doing even when there are rough patches.

By Anonymous on Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 07:49 pm:

After 11 years, I know that rough patches happen and I've always thought that marriage is a commitment that you choose each day. The problem I'm having is that I'm choosing to try to make our lives better but the person I have to work hardest against is the person that should be helping shoulder the load and we've had the same issues throughout our life together. There has been little to no progress during this time. Our rough patches cover the majority of our marriage when you account for financial trouble, job loss, and conflict around the house. The times we've had an equitable and balanced relationship where we are both working for a common goal have been few and far-between. And, quite frankly, I'm tired of feeling like the only adult in this family.

I understand where you and the 2nd Anon are coming from, in that I have to want this to work in order to see positive results. I do want to stay in my marriage and I've worked towards that goal for a long time. Unfortunately, I'm the one that this isn't working for so I'm the only one that's willing to change or compromise. My dh's attitude is one of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" and our life is working quite well for him. I guess my expectations are just higher.

Thank you all for your thoughts and, Conni, for your prayers. At this point, we can definitely use them.

By Anonymous on Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 08:12 pm:

I am the 2nd anonymous.

I do know were you are coming from. I felt the same way. I basically was at the place where I was ready to leave when we went to counseling. I made sure dh knew that, and that things would have to change for me to stay. I did not place all the blame on him, I took ownership in our problems. But, I made it clear things were not working for me, so we BOTH needed to change and make them right.

Believe me, counseling was not a cure all. And, we still have not so great times. But, we do communicate and work things out better. I don't want my kids to be a product of divorce, so for me, I am okay with riding out the bad times, because we now have good times too. We both changed, and made things better.