My 14yo son came to me last night and said he wanted to tell me something before I found out anyway and grounded him forever. He said a few days ago he'd tried a cigarette and that he didn't like it so he threw it out. I asked him if he was going to do it again and he said no, he didn't think so. Then he asked how long he would be grounded for. I said I'd have to think about it and thanked him for telling me. Would you punish him and how? I'm inclined not to because he did come to me and tell me. Honestly, I doubt I would have found out. I want him to be able to come to me and tell me things, and I'm afraid if I do punish him for this that may close a door I really need open. What do you think?

By Vicki on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 07:59 am:

Honestly, no I wouldn't punish him this time. I think if you have a 14 yr old that is coming to you telling you things like that, you're doing something right!! I would talk to him again (as I am sure you have) about the dangers of smoking and how it will effect breathing and how that would relate to sports etc.

By Jackie on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 08:28 am:

Thats a hard one. My son just turned 14. I would feel glad he told me, but would have to let him know how much our whole family DISLIKES smoking, and go over the dangers of it..

By Karen~admin on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 09:07 am:

Ditto Vicki. And have another discussion with him about the short and long term health hazards of smoking - INCLUDING what it does to your teeth/gums - the financial costs of smoking, the fact that you will be able to smell it on his hair, clothes and breath and, therefore, KNOW if he's smoking anyway.

But yes, the fact that he's 14 and came to you is a big plus, IMO.

By Tarable on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 09:49 am:

No way I would punish him.. He didn't have to tell you and if you punish him he might not next time. I would also talk to him about other drugs like pot because most of my friends who smoked cigarettes also at least tried pot when I was a kit.

It is really awesome that he told you though

By Annie2 on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 09:57 am:

Also emphasize that your are not going to punish him this time because he was honest with you.
Your doing a great job anon!

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 10:05 am:

He told you??? I tried it once, when I was 13 and my mom still doesn't know! I also thought it was disgusting and never did it again. My mom would have killed me!

I think I'd go for a review on why smoking is bad, and leave it at that.

By Cybermommyx4 on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 10:37 am:

Give him a big hug and count your blessings! DD (17 1/2) knows she can come and talk to me about anything, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. If you freak out and overreact to things that they tell you, pretty soon they stop telling you things. Obviously, you two have a great relationship, and that is going to be so valuable as he gets through these next few scary teen years. The most important thing is to keep them talking!

By Debbie on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 10:55 am:

I think it is great that he came and told you, that says a lot. I would just sit down and once again focus on why he shouldn't smoke. One big thing we talked about is the addictive part of smoking. Once you start, it is hard to stop, even if you want to. Then, I would tell him how proud you are that he told you!

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 11:27 am:

I agree with all of the above, especially Cybermommy - give him a big hug and count your blessings. And remind him of why you don't want him to smoke and why it is bad for him.

Somewhere along the line, probably not in the same conversation, you might want to throw in something along the lines of I am not grounding you, because you came to me and told me AND because I believe you when you say you won't do it again. Being honest with me is a big factor, but not the only factor. You should know that if you do something wrong in the future, being honest with me and telling me before anyone else does might not mean that you won't be punished - but your honesty would be a factor in working out what will happen. You don't want him to start thinking that if he tells on himself first he won't have any punishment no matter what he did, but there certainly should be some brownie points for honesty.

By Debbie on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 11:44 am:

Ditto Ginny. I always tell my kids that being honest doesn't necessarily get you out of trouble. But, it is a big factor when we are determining punishment.

By Debbie on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 11:44 am:

Ditto Ginny. I always tell my kids that being honest doesn't necessarily get you out of trouble. But, it is a big factor when we are determining punishment.

By Amecmom on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 11:52 am:

WOW kudos to you and to your son!
Ame

By Kaye on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 12:03 pm:

agree agree...i wouldn't punish and I would state, although I am unhappy with his choice to try it, because he told me, he was not in trouble. And I would add, don't do it again, this is your one free pass.

And for counting your blessing, my dd 14 has shared everything with me, until this weekend I found out the past month has been full of secrets. I am devasted with her choices. So woo hoo! This is one mommy who is very proud of your son for stepping out to be honest even when it was hard.

By Anonymous on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 01:42 pm:

I sit here with tears in my eyes reading all the responses. My 14yo has been such a handful lately. I'm not sure I'm worthy of the credit you are all giving me. I'm thrilled he told me and hope he continues to tell me things knowing it could get him in trouble. I will explain to him that he will not be punished this time because he did come to me and was honest, but will make it very clear that will not always be the case. I do plan on making him read some information about smoking and how harmful it is, along with what's in cigarettes (there's some nasty stuff in there!). We've talked numerous times about how harmful it is, it makes you smell, it turns your teeth yellow and it can shorten your life or cause disease not only for you but for those around you. I will continue to talk to him about this, too.

Thank you all for your support with this. This board really is the greatest on the net.

By Dramamamma on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 02:14 pm:

Ditto everyone else... You're doing something right! I'd say WTG mom AND son, he made a great decision in telling you.

By Conni on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 04:34 pm:

Ditto!!!

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 07:09 pm:

Hey Anon, I raised three sons through those years, and my memory is that the 13-17 years were really rough, on my sons and on me. There are all those physical hormones and changes raging, plus all the social "hormones. He's trying to find out who he is now, and who he wants to be. He's seeing all kinds of social models at school and on TV, and will certainly try some of them on. And, he's thinking of himself as almost an adult - after all, he will be 18 in 4 years. So he's trying to find out how much control he has over himself (as opposed to how much control his parents have). It's a really rough time, and all I can say is hang in there. (And think about it - would you really want to be a teenager again, and go through all that angst?)

Just the fact that he came to you says you have been doing the right things. And certainly encouraging him to be able to come to you is extremely important. But don't expect miracles. There will be disobedience, defiance, sullenness and stubbornness. And all you can do is keep on doing what you know are the right things to do, and keep on loving him even when you don't particularly like him - and let him know that you love him even when you don't like what he is doing or how he is behaving.

One of the areas where he will be challenging you, even more than before, is "all the other boys" and "none of the other moms". All of the other boys can stay up until 11 on school nights, hang out at the mall on weekends until the mall closes, hang around with their friends without having to say where they are going and who with, don't have to do their homework, don't have to - you name it, and never, never, ever have to ask permission or hear "no you can't". Which is, of course, often so much bs. But sadly, for some boys it is true. Which doesn't make it right.

I had an interesting conversation with my youngest son, many years ago. Long, long after we had gone through the contentious years and after he had been out of the house for a couple of years. He told me that when he was a kid and a teen and we'd tell him we loved him, he thought - of course you love me, parents *have* to love their children. It wasn't until he started spending time with other people his own age and saw how their families behaved that he finally came to realize that not all parents love their children, not all parents behave lovingly to their children, not all parents care enough about their children to put up with all the nonsense teenagers can throw at a parent just because the parent knew it was the right thing to do.

It was a revelation to hear that, because quite honestly, I had never doubted that my parents loved me, and I couldn't imagine him feeling that we only loved him because we *had* to. But one of the things I've learned, just by living longer, is that our children - especially when they are going through the turmoil of teens - can think and believe and feel the darndest things. And all a parent can do is hang in there and do your best as often as you can.

By Happynerdmom on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 08:36 pm:

Ginny, I know the thoughts above were for Anon, but I just wanted to thank you! My son is 15 and, although we haven't really had TOO much to deal with(yet!), your words are so very encouraging. He's changing so quickly, and I need to be reminded to just keep on keeping on, and go with my heart and what I feel is right, and if I'm lucky, he'll realize later that I'm not such a bad mom!

Anon, you've gotten some great advice! Hang in there!

By Kym on Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 09:02 pm:

I just skimmed through the responses ANON, but I think if this had happened in my home, I would not have punsihed him, and would have reminded him that not only is smoking dangerous and disgusting, but is illegal at that age, and if he was to get caught by the schools or authority, they would punish and I would not come to his rescue. Than he can decide if "the next time" is worth trying it again knowing the consequences or "punishment" will come from another source.