Money and my DH..
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive August 2008:
Money and my DH..
I am so stressed right now.. My dh doesn't understand why my kids need things at the beginning of school, like new shoes and a new backpack and binder. He says that he never got new just because it was a new year.. he got new when he needed it because the old was too small or worn out.
Our finances are pretty much separate because we use the same bank and it is easy to transfer money back and forth. So when I get my paycheck I transfer a certain amount of money to him for bills/mortgage. He pays everything because his ex was in control of that and would "forget" to pay things like the water bill and it would get shut off, which is fine with me because I don't like paying bills anyway. So his finances are all set amounts (will a little fluctuation here and there). I pay for the other things like groceries and EVERYTHING for the girls. So mine is totally random and I try to save money for certain times of year but something always comes up. Dr bills or my oldest growing 4 inches in the past 3 months so I can't keep her in clothes.
Last night (yes 4 days after payday) I had to ask him to give me some money because younges DD is in band and I had to start renting her sax.. well it was 120 and I only had 85 left for the rest of the month. He asked "where did all your money go" well my problem with this comment is everytime we have any money issues and i get upset he tells me that everything is shared and we always have money if i really need it.. well hello.. I can't let her start school without her instrument and school starts Monday. I told him that I only need 50 to cover the rental but i will need gas soon and there are always things we need like milk. He just shook his head even when i told him what all I had spent money on that he didn't understand why I had to spend all that money on the girls since they already had what they needed (except that I still need to buy a new backpack and binder for one because her's is ruined.. a pen exploded inside it at the end of school last year).
He just really upsets me. I have had a really hard time with money for too long and now that we have plenty he keeps me on such a tight budget and makes me feel bad when I need extra. I just wish he wouldn't argue with it when I do ask for money because it is a last effort because he makes me so depressed when I need money.
If you got this far.. I guess that you know this is a total VENT and I am just whining about things. My dh is a really good man but he doesn't realize how hard it is to ask someone who complains about it for money. Especially when you lived without for as many years as my dds and i did when I was a single mom
{{{Anon}}} Whine all you want!
I live on the other side of the fence. I take care of our family's finances and my DH has NO concept sometimes when I say "we're tight this month... let's play it close to the bone!" Yet, he's stopping for coffee in the morning, getting outside lunch a couple of times and spending way too much at the grocery store! (don't get me wrong, I LOVE that my DH is the one who grocery shops every week, and he is GREAT about finding the deals and specials... but... seriously, if I say, "We're tight this week", just because prime rib is on sale, you don't buy it! Hello?)
I guess unless both spouses actually sit down and discuss monthly bills and expenses every week, there is always going to be one who is either a little in the dark or out of touch.
Would it help to explain to your DH how you feel? How hard it is for you to ask him for money because of the way he makes you feel? Maybe he doesn't realize he's being so judgemental. Try to talk to him. Can't hurt!
Good luck!
Except that my hubby tells me, "We're tight this month..." every month. It's been a broken record, since we got married and then we were both working full-time! Somehow we always manage to make it, so I barely listen, when he says that.
Maybe explain to him, that all the school stuff is cheap right now and it is the best time to buy stuff.
What I don't get is that he whines if we go out to eat and that costs money, but then he whines when money gets spent at the grocery store, too! Well, food at home doesn't happen, if it stays at the store!
My dh and I pretty much do things together. Our views are a little different I'm more like "We need to watch it the car insurance is due next week!" and he is more like "Yay! The car insurance isn't due until next week!" lol. He has gotten very used to me shopping and loving coupons so on occassion we just plain need something and there isn't a coupon he complains about the cost. I think he thinks of needs more as bills and I think of the other things too. It is a good time of year to get school things but geez everytime I go grocery shopping things cost more than they did the last time. Hopefully since gas is coming down a bit the prices will stop climbing.
Rayelle,
I heard that gas is going to start to go up after this week, so I filled up and have plenty at least for awhile. Gas here is 3.57, and I was just beginning to enjoy that price!
Oh yuck! Not what I wanted to hear!
Anon, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Is there a way you can sit down and tell him how you are feeling and why? Perhaps you can jointly open a "spending account" in which you each put a set amount of money from each paycheck for the girls' expenses. This way when things come up you don't feel like you have to go to him and ask for money that rightfully belongs to both of you.
My husband is the only one with a salary in our house. For the past seven years I have not brought home a red cent. However, he has never ever made me feel like I have anything but equal say in how our money is spent. Not once has he made me feel like it's "his" money. I am very grateful to him for it.
I am posting anon because this is about our finances and I don't feel comfortable giving name on the internet.
Anon, I am guessing you've told your husband how you feel, and maybe he's told you how he feels, but you both feel like you are talking past each other. From what you say, he is a good man. And he married you knowing you were a single mom and brought children with you to the marriage. But for many reasons, you just can't get on the same page on how money issues are to be handled.
I urge you to try to persuade your husband that now is the time for some counseling. From what I've read, issues about money and differences in how each partner in the marriage views money issues are a major cause of marriage break-ups. I think it is really important for you to find some neutral third party who can help each of you understand not only how the other views money, but why, and find some compromise that you can both live with reasonably comfortably. I know you shouldn't feel like you have to beg for money for what you think your children need for school. And, he seems to feel that perhaps you spend too much money on the children - maybe a member of the "wear it out, use it up, make it over or do without" school of money handling. What do you know about his childhood - how his family handled money? That's got to be a major factor for him. Men often tend to feel a bit differently about what is "necessary" for children - and often don't understand how things like clothes and bookbags and other accessories can be really, really important to girls, especially at school. I grew up fairly poor, though not realizing my family was poor, and when I was attending a private school on a scholarship, I really hated not having clothes as nice as the other girls had, and that strongly affected my high-school years. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me and I knew I was loved. I had two of the best parents anyone could have. And they did their very best to give me nice clothes and things - they just couldn't afford cashmere sweaters, so I had nylon sweaters and "all the other girls" were wearing cashmere.
I know my ex and I had very different views about how money should be used and spent, and it was a significant factor in our split (not the only, but major). And I had many discussions with my mom, who lived through the depression, trying to convince her that it wasn't an extravagance to spend $1 more for a name-brand moisturizer when it did a better job for her skin and she liked it better. She just couldn't bring herself to spend what amounted to an extra $5 a year on herself.
Money is a funny (not ha-ha) thing, and how one views and handles money can be devastating to relationships if you aren't able to work out a good compromise system.
Here is what we do / the husband is the only one working I am home with the baby. he gets paid every 2 weeks / so I put flat out 800.00 in the bank for bills out of everypay that is for the regular bills. Out of the rest of the money from his pay I put 20.00 in envelopes for every week for his work money every other pay. then he gets 20.00 week for beer. We go shopping only on money that is out of the bank. When he works over time 1/2 the money goes toward bills the other 1/2 is split between me and him for our own spending. If he has no overtime that means we don't have money for ourselves. well at the end of every other week if there is any money left it is put in the bank, plus gas money comes out of money left out of bank. It works for us because we only live on his pay only from working and I know at times it is very tight but we seem to get through it. I know some people might think wow but it has worked for us for the past 14 years now.
{{{Hugs}}} Vent away!!!
Ginny is definately right we have talked and we both feel like we have talked until we are blue in the face but neither of us gets anywhere convincing the other of anything when it comes to money. We have been thinking about doing a little experiment. One month I am going to just give him my entire paycheck and not pay for anything out of my account at all.. that means he has to go with me to the store and anytime I need gas in my van or anything else he has to pay including any clothes or whatever the girls need. then the next month he is going to make me pay all the bills and give me his entire paycheck and see how I think it should work. Maybe it will work out.. but i think I want his month for paying for everything to be Nov since both the girls birthdays are that month!!! We will see.
Thanks for listening and we are talkig a lot about it and have even talked about counseling or maybe we should just open a joint account, but I don't like the idea of not having any money that i can save or secretly spend on him..
Look, you're talking, and trying to work things out. That is a very good sign that you both value each other and the marriage more than money.
I had friends who set up a system where they had a joint account and each had their own account. They agreed on what were joint expenses, and approximately how much that was each month, and each month each transferred into the joint account a pro rata share. I mean, if their total salaries are 100%, his was 60% and hers was 40%, so she transferred 40% of the agreed joint expenses to the joint account, and he transferred 60%. (Which I think is more fair than 50/50). The amount they agreed on for the joint expenses was adjusted for the times when utility bills were high/low, when homeowners insurance was due, etc. The trick, of course, is agreeing on what are joint expenses. For example, if "she" has children that live with them and "he" has children but they live with their mother, is food for the children a joint expense or her expense?
Before you do the experiment, how about this? Each of you get a little notebook and keep track in that notebook of every penny you spend for an entire month or two, what it was for and, if the reason isn't obvious, why you made that particular expenditure - plus, where you were seriously considering buying something and in the end chose not to, what it was and why you decided not to. Then share those notebooks and talk about how you made each spending decision. If you do that, no fair (for example) buying things for the girls at the supermarket and counting it as groceries - it has to be broken out as a separate expense. This is an experiement where each of you has to be totally honest with the notebook. I suspect it might be a revelation for each of you and both of you. Each of you has been in charge of your "own" money for so long, I imagine it would be more than a bit uncomfortable actually giving the other person "power" over "your" money - doing it with notebooks might achieve the same goal without the discomfort of giving up control.
Anyhow, I will say again - it is good that you are talking and trying to find something that will work. As long as you keep working hard at trying to make things work, you are going in the right direction.
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