Do you think it is possible?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive August 2008:
Do you think it is possible?
Do you think it is possible to love your husband and not be physically attracted to him? This is a question that has me wondering for many years.
When we first started dating, I thought he was a wonderful person, and fell in love within weeks of meeting him. Even when we were dating I never found him attractive, yet I still fell in love with him. Oh by the way, I am not attractive either, overweight plain jane sort of gal.
After many years of marriage, we are still together, and there is no pending divorce in the future, yet I still feel guilty. I have never cheated, nor do I have any desire to cheat at all, that is not the problem.
I have heard women say there husband is "hot" or "attractive", yet I never use those words to describe him.
Do you think it is possible to be in love or just love your husband without the attractiveness???
I do think it is possible to be in love without physical attraction. I put the physical stuff more in a lust category. That wears off. Ideally there would be some of both but real true love goes deeper than looks. I am attracted to my dh and have from the beginning more so from non physical traits, like his sense of humor and he's loving and a great dad, etc.
Why do you say you feel guilty?
Everyone has a different marital relationship and what works for one won't work for another. If you don't feel there are problems in your marriage because of it, then you shouldn't feel guilty. Physical attraction IMO is really an individual thing - some people are physical, some are not. It's a love language. 
Rayelle is right - true love goes deeper than looks. Ultimately, regardless of what you look like your spouse should love you and want to be with you. I do feel though that maintaining your health and body are healthy for YOU first of all, and it also says something to your spouse about how you feel about them, IMO. It says that you want to please them physically, and vice versa. That you care enough about yourself to maintain it. It doesn't mean you have to be a size 4, it just means you try to be healthy and active.
I know women who love their hubbies dearly, but have little to no desire to have sex with them. They seem happy that way, so if it works, it works. If it's working for your marriage, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. That also brings up comparing your marriage to others. They are all so different, and successful or bad for different reasons.
Rayelle, I feel guilty because I don't feel that attraction to my husband, although I do love him.I suppose it has been drilled into my head that your are suppose to be attractive to your spouse. I also suppose it is from watching too many Lifetime movies, that I thought if I did not feel that my spouse was attractive then something was wrong with me.
Apparently, since not too many people have responded to this post, I am just guessing everybody else thinks their spouses/partners are attractive or hot and again I am the abnormal one.
It does not matter in the big scheme of things as my husband is a good person, good provider and I do love him.
Sure it's possible.
I was very physically attracted to my soon to be ex husband though. Particularly when he picked up his dirty underwear...that didn't happen very often. LOL So yeah, it's possible to be married and not be totally *physically* attracted. The things that REALLY turn me on are being treated nice, a good sense of humor, knowing someone is totally committed to me, a man who listens and doesn't try to fix my problem, a man cooking for me and fixing my plate (oh myyy, that one gets me, especially if he has wine,candles,and music- I don't care what he looks like then hahaha)...So again, I am not totally attracted to the looks...I am attracted to the personality and being shown LOVE.
Don't be hard on yourself. Like I said, I was physically attracted to my spouse...but not when the treatment is bad. So if you think about it, that has nothing to with his appearance?? Does that make sense? I just confused myself. hehe
I don't know that my hubby is "hot." He's turning gray, has a little pot belly, and he's bald. Does he look like someone on GQ? No, but I'm attracted to him, in other ways, the way he helps out with getting Emily too and from school, that he works hard to provide for us, that he's a genuinely nice guy. I'm not that skinny either, so I'm probably not "Hot!" either. However, lovemaking is mutually satisfying for both of us. Maybe it helps that we are both on the same page politically, huh? LOL!
We've been together for almost 22 years and married for almost 21. Even though the red hair is disappearing, it goes with the territory for us, in middle age. He turns 50 this year and I think he looks good for 50. (October 22nd.)
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