Alcoholic father in law
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Alcoholic father in law
I've seen posts on here that were about alcoholic parents. My position is that my father in law is an alcoholic and he is in complete denial about this. He also smokes. He come to our house daily. He doesn't smoke in the house. He isn't a mean drunk and my kids love him to death.
Most of the people in the family gave up on him long ago. He pretty much gave up on trying to improve his life and started drinking about fifteen years ago. He does have a job but one that provides him with cigarette and alcohol money. My in laws are still married but would be better off apart. Their house is in deplorable conditions, really it should be condemned. I feel bad for dh because we bought our house where we did because he was close to his family. We never go to their house because it just can't be healthy. It needs a roof and it leaks everywhere when it rains. I think I good snowfall would do it in, but that's another post.
My fil and I have always gotten along. We were married for years before I knew he had a drinking problem and it was years more before it really had an affect on my daily life. I really think of him as a best friend and had the kind of talking relationship with him I wish I could have had with my dad. He drinks so much now and I feel a little betrayed. Like he doesn't really love me like a daughter, he's just a drunk. My dh has come to this conclusion. He told his dad that if he really cared about him he wouldn't drink himself into the grave. He has been hospitalized twice and has heart problems. He spends all his money on booze because his mother doesn't have the heart to not be sure he has his medications. He borrows money from us we don't have to give. He always pays us back but it's kind of sickening to know that he is willing to ask for our last $20 that would go for our family for his fix. We don't lend him money anymore. I don't let him alone with the kids anymore because he stumbles around. There is no talking to him. Everyone else has gone tough love on him and I was trying to remain peaceful, talking to him like a friend. Now I feel like he is one more child I have to deal with. He repeats himself over and over and doesn't remember what he promises or even says. It's really quite sad.
He hasn't ever said anything inappropriate to me or been mean in anyway. Am i justified then in not wanting him around? Since I am the only one who listens to his ramblings I am afraid if I tell him to hit the road he might drink enough to kill himself. Dh will tell him to not come around the house and after a few days he sobers up then for a few days and it starts all over. He comes to our house to avoid fights with my mil. My kids are getting older and I try to keep him away when they have friends over. He reeked of drink at our dd's birthday party and everyone but me took him out to the parking lot for a screaming match and someone drove him home. When my family asked what was going on I said he didn't feel well to save face somehow. I wanted to just say he was drunk and we won't tolerate that around the kids but I didn't want to embarass dh.
I was basically wondering are my feelings normal? Does any of this sound familiar to anyone who has a relationship with an alcoholic?
I think it's harder to justify someone being an alcoholic when they are a functioning alcoholic. I mean, to them, they hold down a job, aren't nasty or rude when drunk, get the bills paid etc.... so WHY should they stop? What they don't realize is how detrimental it is to those who are surrounded by them to witness then driving themselves to their grave. Sadly, nobody can do a thing until they realize that they ARE an alcoholic and WANT to get help. It's a sad vicious cycle.
My husband recently quit drinking 2 months ago. He was/is a functioning alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. It took me years to realize and accept it. It was emotionally hurtful to me and I was at the point where I was ready to walk out. He wasn't mean, bills were paid etc.... but it bothered me that MY feelings weren't important enough for him to want to quit. I had nothing to do wit him quitting, a conversation with his dad (a recovering alcoholic, clean for 8 years) sparked this and his dad basically gave him a challenge to give it up for a year. He told him if that didn't change him life drastically, he could go back out and drink but he guarantees him things will change. Things have changed. He's even noticed it. But.... he still talks about being a "social drinker" when this year is over. I pray to God after this year is over with that he realizes how much better things are without the booze.
Anyways, sorry to ramble about my personal life. I just thought I would share my recent personal experience. Growing up in a family of alcoholics, I am forever affected by the aftermath.
My mom was a *functioning alcoholic*. Functioning, in that she held down a job and was a single parent to 3 daughters, and provided all the necessities (food, clothing, shelter) to us. But she had many fears and phobias and neuroses and I suspect a lot of unresolved issues and guilt and pain from a childhood trauma and her failed marriage, so every year she drank more and more. She told lies and when she had had a lot to drink, was mean and confrontational, but in a very passive/aggressive kind of way. She was also in complete denial about having a problem with alcohol.
When she retired, she became quite the reclusive person - it got to the point where someone had to do her shopping for her or she wouldn't eat, and with the amount she drank, she really didn't eat much anyway, and was actually suffering from malnutrition and neurological damage from alcohol - then she found out she had cancer. She almost died twice in the hospital from alcohol detox around the time she was diagnosed with cancer, and after the last time, the doctors told her that *if* she started drinking again, that would kill her before the cancer had a chance to. Amazingly, she stopped drinking at that time.
There were a lot of alcoholics in her family. And it was always *the elephant in the room*. No one would talk about it, no one would confront any of them, but away from the drinkers, everyone would talk about it and the problems it created. At family gatherings/holidays, there was always the inevitable fight - screaming, yelling, throwing things, being mean/nasty to others - her brother, my aunt, my grandparents were all alcoholics, and they all had their turns at it. We - me and my sisters and my cousins - came to dread holiday dinners because we *knew* what would be coming next.
The biggest problem I had with the whole thing was that my mom was so emotionally unavailble to us all. She was lost in her own world of drinking and really quite oblivious to much of what went on around her, and even when something was put out there for her to deal with, her way was to just drink more.
I don't really know what to tell you. I will tell you what *we* did. At some point, after the gazillionth trip to the hospital/ER for false alarms which were in reality, problems caused from her drinking, we (my sisters and I) stopped allowing her to pretend that it wasn't alcohol that was the problem. We became the ones who confronted HER, and though that didn't necessarily change her, it changed US and how WE reacted to her. We stopped enabling her, we stopped allowing ourselves to be sucked into her head games that she played, we stopped allowing what SHE did to affect our lives, as much as we could.
It was hardest for me, I think, because at one point, I told her she could no longer babysit my kids, because I didn't trust her around them when she was drinking. But their safety came first.
If *I* were you, I would no longer give or loan him money to buy alcohol with. Tell him you love him and want him in your life, but that you will not enable him to continue destroying his life with alcohol. And go to Al-Anon. Do it for yourself - because you cannot be responsible for what he does, whether or not he drinks, whether or not he is allowed to be around your family. No matter what lines you draw in the sand, no matter what stand you take, you have to realize and accept that you are not responsible for his actions.
It's sad, it's heartbreaking, it's maddening, you feel resentment and anger and pain over what he's become, but you aren't responsible. I believe in tough love.......it's necessary for your own preservation - and if he decides to clean up for him, then you will all be better off for it. But you can't count on that - all you can do is set your own boundaries, get help for YOURSELVES to deal with how this has affected you, and live your lives.
{{{HUGS}}}
You have some great advice, anon. Thinking about you...
{{{{{Anon}}}}} My fil is an alcoholic, too, but they live 2000 miles away and I don't have to deal with it. Just from the times we visited though, I know way more about their family history and past than I'd like to. He wasn't a nice drunk.  My grandfather was an alcoholic, too. He wasn't a mean drunk, and I guess you could say he was a functioning drunk. We didn't visit them very often just because there was no reason to. We'd go over, both he and my grandma would be drunk, next thing we'd know they were fighting and we were leaving. They only visited us a handful of times. They only lived 10 minutes away. I will tell you, I'll never forget my graduation party when my grandpa leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and tell me congratulations (only affection I ever remember getting from him) he stunk horribly of alcohol. It was so embarrassing. You said your kids are getting older now. You're not going to hide this from them. Kids are young, not stupid. The first time your fil embarrasses them in front of their friends they won't want him around anymore.
More hugs. You've gotten great advise. We're always here, too for support. Prayers
Thank you so much for your support.
When we told fil he couldn't watch our kids anymore he basically shrugged it off and said him watching the kids drunk was safer than my mil watching the kids sober since she has a bad back. ( dh tore into him for that) I really hate getting in the middle of their spats but I wanted to smack him upside the head. He and I have never argued as I have always played peacemaker. For the sake of my kids I don't think that will go on much longer. If I explained it to them they might understand but I don't want to hurt the image they have of their grandfather. Ugh! It's so complicated.
I agree with your decision to not have him watch the kids. I'm delighted that you and your dh are on the same page about this - sometimes it's not that way and that makes things really awful. Yes, it is complicated. But do you think your children don't already know something is wrong with their grandpa?
I urge you to contact AlAnon. Here's a link: AlAnon They are a very reputable organization, with chapters everywhere around the country and online advice/chat groups. It is my experience that only someone who has "been there done that" can really understand what you are going through, what you are feeling. And, people who have BTDT can tell you what worked for them and their alcoholic family member, and what didn't. I'm not saying someone else's solutions would necessarily be the best solutions for you. I am saying that spending some time with people who truly understand because they've BTDT can be very helpful.
I can't give you much advice, but I can tell you I completely understand. My brother-in-law is a recovering alcoholic. He was a functioning alcoholic for many years, but then it took over.
I did not let my children stay with my sister, even when he was able to deal well with it. My kids knew that their uncle had a sickness and I explained it to them as such because it is an illness just as cancer or heart disease is.
Please do not take his alcohol abuse personally. He cannot quit because you guys tell him to. He can't quit because it's not fair to you guys. He loves you, but he can only quit for himself. It took my bil many, many tries trying to quit for everyone else, before he finally discovered he had to want it for himself.
Also, I second AA. It is amazing what it has done for my sister. Some people say why should I have to go, I am not the one with the problem. But you are. In a different way. You are dealing with this everyday and they can really help you understand more how to deal with him and the disease itself.
I didn't realize how I rambled above. I apologize for that. My intent was to give *my* experience, and to let you know you are not alone - I repeat, and agree with what Ginny suggested - contact AlAnon, or even go to AA. YOU need support - unless you've BTDT, people often don't realize how a family member with addictions affects the ENTIRE family.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
I grew up having both parents alcoholics. They did eventually stop drinking but the "damage" had already happened. My dad drank since before my birth until I was about 13. I NEVER saw him sober for all those years. He would drink when he woke in the morning, until he went to bed at night. He wasn't a mean drunk either. He finally quit when the doctors told him that he was going to die. The drinking damaged the nerves and muscles in his legs and it got to where he couldn't stand for more than a couple min. at a time. He had to go on disablity. But after he bacically ruined his body did he realize that the alcohol wasnt worth it. My mother stopped drinking a couple months after dad, she was able to stop with no help. Dad had to enter a hospital and was on medication, antabuse(sp), not sure if they still use that medication, but he went through the withdraws at home. Those were bad, he saw things that wasn't there, he talked and cried to people that only he could see, he stayed up for a straight 36 hours doing this and I was the only other person at home. My mother was still drinking at the time and did'nt want to deal with it, so I, at 12-13 years old was left to tend to him. That's an entire other story...sorry, I got off track. Anyway, as an adult my dad was GREAT! I LOVED this man with every ounce of my being. The absolute best dad a woman could have. I never really knew him while growing up, but he really tried his best to make up for that later. I lost him on FEB.13th of 2004, holding his hand while he went. I lost a very dear friend and this world lost a great man that day. Whenever I read stories like your, or see older men with drinking problems it really touches me. My dad was 72 years old when he died. I was only 30. All I can say is that just because he drinks does'nt mean he does'nt love you all. An addict can't quit until they are ready, for themselves. Don't give him money, don't let him watch your kids, but don't "forget" him. So many people just walk away when these things happen. All I can say is to try to encourage him to get help. Don't say,,"if you loved me you would". I hate when people say that. My dad loved me dearly, but he had to quit for him, not me. I wish you the best. I'm very sorry to ramble on and on. I still have a lot of issues from my childhood, most if not all I've carried over to my adult life. Just remember you aren't alone. He has to do this for himself. I think you are right to keep him at a distance, your kids don't need that burden, just don't cut him out of your life completley. Hopefully he will get better one day.
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