I'm getting frustrated at DH A complete vent.

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive July 2008: I'm getting frustrated at DH A complete vent.

How many times does one person have to tell the other person that your "love language" is "Acts of Kindness" like doing chores around the house? The only thing he does, without prompting, is mowing the lawn every 1-2 weeks and take out the trash once a week. Once every 2 months, he'll see that laundry needs to be put away, but usually he'll just move it off the bed and onto the floor. He does TWO things without prompting. I usually have to ask him to do the dishes (because I'm the one that cooks 95% of the time) or do anything else like vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, pull weeds, laundry, sweeping, filing papers, dusting, errands, wipe down tables. I went over to a friend's house and her husband was vacuuming UNPROMPTED and he even wiped down the tables after the kid's dinners!!! I about hit the floor!

What set me off was, last night, he put his "orphaned socks" that I put in his drawer out onto the dresser. He does this constantly and then leaves them there for days. (This creates more work for me because I have to put them away again, waiting for the "mating socks" to come through on the next cycle.) He then goes on to tell me that he can't find work socks in the morning because they're not "put into pairs", (I do this when I do laundry so he's just complaining that I haven't put away the clean laundry yet) so I've decided to not do his laundry anymore. I now have 3 jobs (all part time), in addition to taking care of 2 kids and doing THEIR laundry. I also make sure that, if we have any guests coming into town, that their linens are washed as well. Not to mention that the bathrooms are clean, floors swept/vacuumed, food is prepared, etc. He did ONE chore before his father came into town. ONE. When his mom came, I had to keep asking him to do things like pack lunches, etc. He told me he was ready and took care of himself, but I had to take care of the children's things while he was on the computer. He kept huffing and puffing when I asked for help.

Yesterday, he huffed and puffed about having to make dinner because I was running late and then he huffed and puffed about not finding socks even though I had washed them and put them into the dryer. That's another thing that bothers me, he'll just make weird sounds and pout rather than tell me what's on his mind or offer a solution like "How can I help with laundry?" or better yet just going down to the dryer and pulling them out. I have to ask him "Why are you acting so mad?" It's really annoying. It's like when people give you part of a story and purposefully stop so that you'll keep asking them more questions. Annoying. I don't do head games.

If he wants clean socks in his drawer, he can do it himself. He told me, "If the opportunity presents itself or if you ask me, I will do laundry." UUUMMMMMM...if the opportunity presents itself? Apparently laundry piles aren't enough "presentation" for him? I take care of him in so many ways, it's unbelievable. He always says that (at work) if there is a problem, it annoys him that those who whine usually are the ones without a solution, yet he didn't offer to help with laundry, only how it is done.
I just wish he would "listen" and realize that there are things that can be done unprompted. The more I feel like his mother, the less I feel like his lover. I feel like I now have to make a chart, which seems really unappealing.

LAUNDRY STRIKE. Vent vent vent

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, July 25, 2008 - 12:36 pm:

The first issue of MS Magazine had an article titled "Click", with a bunch of "click" vignettes. The one I remember is the story of the married couple, no children, both in professional jobs. They had a chore list, and each week traded chores. One morning the husband said "I don't have any clean shirts." The wife responded, "It's your week to take the clothes to the cleaners and pick them up." He responded, "But you should have reminded me." CLICK

I was reminded of that by Anon's quoting her husband "If the opportunity presents itself "

By Kym on Saturday, July 26, 2008 - 10:01 pm:

Hey Anon, what's his love language? Sounds like you've read the book, if all is spoken correctly all should be well? Maybe he's not feeling/hearing your love.

Just a thought?

By Conni on Sunday, July 27, 2008 - 08:20 am:

Hmmm, good question. I read this book years ago...I then sent it with my husband on a business trip and asked him to read it. He never read it. (and he reads a lot on his flights and on layovers) Come to find out a 20 something girl from IBM was with him on the trip. I guess she was more entertaining than reading a relationship book his old wife gave him.

He never has lifted a finger in the house to help since we have been married. He has done the dishes a time or two and cooks sometimes. But scrub a toilet? Use a broom or vacuum in front of our boys? Dust? Nope, nothing...my boys would be taught that it's all womens work if it weren't for me explaining to them it isn't.

ahhhhhh... I am not sure what to tell you. Communicate more? Go on strike until he listens? haha j/k

I am no help, but can relate to your vent a little. (((Hugs)))

By Kaye on Sunday, July 27, 2008 - 09:47 am:

I can relate. I always blame it on my MIL..LOL! My hubby really was raised in a pretty messy house, so he doesn't see thing when they are messy, he learned to look past it. However he is willing to help if he has time, but needs direction. So as much as I hate it, I make a list. I used to keep a honey do list on the fridge, things that he could do if he had time. That worked a little. But now I in general print out a cleaning list for the week, I leave it by the computer. As I do stuff I check it off. If I am super busy I will just say could you do something off my list, I haven't gotten much done this week. On fri, sat or sunday I try to finish the list, if he is home he will help. But I have to ask and I have to be clear. I keep reminding myself, he is a good man, he loves me, loves the kids and doesn't complain about much. So this just has to go into that catagory of oh well!