Yesterday was my middle dd 10th birthday. She wanted at my parents so it was centraly located so all Aunts and Uncles could come. My Mom was looking at a catalog and was showing up somethings for our kids room because we just added 2 new rooms to our home. And I jokingly said to dh you need to get a part time job so I can have some spending money and dh just laughed well my Dad said well I think his plate is full maybe you should get out and find a job and he was totaly serious and I just ignored him and that truly hurt my feelings. I feel so helpless because dh works and I stay at home with 4 kids and as some of your stay home Moms feel like your not worthy or you feel helpless and I took it to heart. I had asked dh on our way home if you think I need to get a job and his response was No and all you would be working for is to pay day care because it would be expensive with 4 kids. But my Dad has always said hurtful things over the years but I have just let them go it bugs me dearly. My Mom was a stay at home Mom all our life and she raised 4 kids.

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 01:08 pm:

I'm so sorry. That wasn't very nice. You were only joking. I say the same things, too. Taking care of kids and giving them a good grounding in life, is a full-time job! How nice that you can stay home with them. (I don't mean grounding in a "punishing" way. I'm talking about getting enough love, security, and how-to-negotiate-the-world, sort of thing.)

I was home with mine for a seven-year period and I don't regret it, even though they never got a trip to Disney. I got to help out at school and see their little plays and bake the gingerbread cookies (when Sarah was in kindergarten!) It was great.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 05:29 pm:

"But my Dad has always said hurtful things over the years but I have just let them go it bugs me dearly"

Unfortunately, this is something that is probably not going to change. You can't change his actions but you CAN change YOUR reactions.

I think women, in particular, carry the need/desire to please their parents well into adulthood, and at some point, you have to really own who you are and what your life is all about, and stop letting outside influences/people make you feel badly about the choices you've made.

I know this is your dad we're talking about, but you can take the approach of telling him he hurts your feelings and hope things change or that it doesn't cause more problems, or you can say nothing, and make a serious effort to change the way you let him affect you.

I'm sorry.

By Dramamamma on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 09:22 pm:

I tend to be this way too, (especially since being pregnant, lol...) and it's hard unfortuately all you can do is know that he didn't mean it in a "mean" way. I think the reason those types of comments "hit so close to home/heart" is because as a SAHM we question if we're doing the right thing for our families.

You can say something to him but then you take the risk of makig things awkward, it really depends on your relationship with him.

I'm sorry.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 10:27 am:

I am sorry his comment hurt you, too. But I also think you have to choose your battles. His opinion in the long run doesn't count, it is up to you and your DH as to whether you stay home to raise your children or not. Your DH is correct, daycare for four kids would likely cost you your whole income. It is likely your father, isn't taking that into account. The cost of a babysitter has gone up quite a bit over the years and he might not be aware of that fact. It is also unlikely that he is aware of the pro's and con's of day care, since your mom was a stay at home mom they didn't have to "face" those decisions.

Do what is best for your family, let him have his opinion, and don't beat yourself up over opinions of people looking in from the outside.

By Luvn29 on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 10:39 am:

My dad has said some hurtful things to me before, but I could tell that wasn't his intention. Maybe your dad didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

As far as daycare goes, yes, it would be insane to put four kids in daycare, but aren't all of your kids school age now? IF you want to work for a little extra money, maybe you can get a part-time job while the kids are in school. Work doesn't have to be all or nothing. Just because you go back doesn't mean you have to go back full-time!