What would you do?
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What would you do?
I just had a request from the parent of my DS's former friend and I'm not sure how much I want my DS involved.
My DS (16) and this friend (15) started hanging out together a few years ago. My DS cooled off on the friendship and they became occasional friends. About 3 - 4 months ago my DS was chatting online with this other boy in the middle of the night and, unknown to me, left the house to meet up with him @ 6am. I learned about it when the boy's father knocked on my door at 8am on Sunday morning to tell me that his son had snuck out of the house and was with my son. We agreed that the two should not be allowed to see each other anymore and when my DS woke up (He had snuck back in and feel asleep) I told him how angry I was at him and not to talk to or see this kid again. I realize that they would see each other at school, but outside of that, no contact. A few days later my son got in trouble with the law (trespassing) and I, because of that and other red flags, went into crisis mode. I have made a few changes and my DS is now seeing a therapist in the hope that his flirting with trouble will end NOW.
I'm thankful that my DS still talks to me in those unguarded moments, and he told me a story of this other boy trying to buy weed and instead the dealer stole his money. This boy in turn stole money from one of my son's other (girl) friends. My DS only told me the story because he was livid and was ready to "teach the kid a lesson" which, of course, meant that he was going to beat him up. I talked him out of it and instead told him to warn all of his friends about the boy. That was this past Saturday.
Today, this boy's father shows up at my door and asks me if I will talk to my DS and have him warn everyone he knows that his son will steal and is not to be trusted. Basically, he wants my DS to pass the word. I know how hard this dad has had it in raising his son alone (the mom died 6 or 7 years ago) and I really do feel for him, but should I allow my Ds to be put into that kind of position? Sure, he's already warned his friends and had it out with the kid; isn't that enough? It seems like the dad has exhausted his other ideas and is now turning to peer pressure. The problem is, I think most of my son's peers already know what kind of trouble this other boy can cause. What do I do?
No, stay out of this and have your ds continue to stay away from this kid. You might want to pass the name of a good therapist to this dad for his son, but involving your son in this is not the right thing to do.
I agree, stay of out of it and your son should stay as far away from this kid as possible.
So happy that you have your son in counseling, this is the most important thing you can do for your child right now.
Unfortunately, you cannot pick your child's friends, I understand that you want to keep your child away from this other boy, however, he is 16 and you cannot supervise every single minute of his day, or maybe you can I'm not sure. My focus would be on improving my son's self-esteem and self image, you know that old saying "You are who your friends are". My guess is even if your son no longer sees this particular boy he could very well find another friend with similar characteristics, there is a reason he is choosing these types of friends, therefore, I think counseling is the best thing you can do right now. Speak to your son's counselor about ways you and your dh can work with your son to improve his own self image and hopefully if he builds a stronger self image he will make better choices for himself in the future.
I feel for you, what a tough situation to find yourself in, I would not do what the other parent is asking you to do, think about it, if someone asked you to do this would you?
Again, good for you for looking out for your child's best interest by getting him some counseling. I wish you all the very best.
I know you want to help theo other dad, but you are right when your gut tells you not to put your son in the position of "stool pigeon". The whole thing could backfire on him and at the very least his other friends may no longer trust him. You handled the whole situation amazingly well.
Ame
Chai~latte - I appreciate the advice, but it's not how to handle my son that has me concerned, it's how to handle this situation that this other boy's father has put my son in, and by extension, he's put in it, too. I did not seek out this boy's father, he came to me. He couldn't have known that I already knew of the incident and had advised my own DS on what I felt he should do. I did give the father my unsolicited advice in a roundabout way, but my dilemma is how involved I should allow my son to be now that I know what this father's plan is. I am going to stick with my original advice, but this father knows my son has a wide circle of friends and I think he wants to capitalize on that. I've considered the possibility that the father will now ask my son directly to do this, so I feel the need to discuss it with him either way.
Thanks, Ame! It's nice to hear that every once in a while. 
We had a somewhat similar situation years ago with a girl on our block. Her stepdad came over and told Jen not to hang out with her because of this and that, and then came back and told ME to keep Jen away from her because of her doing drugs and being sexually promiscuous and some other stuff. He then went on to mention that we should *pass it along* to any of the other kids that we *may see hanging out with her*.
So, like you, I chose not to be his messenger. The only responsibility *I* had - or YOU have - is to your child, and it sounds like you are on top of that.
It's unfortunate and tragic that this other parent has to deal with that (BTDT also :-( ) but it is not your place or your son's place to warn everyone else about this boy.
I totally agree that this is not something your son should get involved in because it may backfire on him. I do think that if you think this father might approach your son directly that you should sit your son down and talk to him and tell him what the father asked you. Then explain why you think that it is not your son's responsibility. I know that sometimes adults can convince teens to do things that might not be that smart especially if the other boy was really a friend to your son and he cares about him.
May sound funny but I think you son is probably old enough to have some kind of say in the decision your are making for him.
I agree with the others. I do not think your son should get anymore involved that he already has. My first thought was your ds could possibly by the target of retaliation by this other boy. Word gets around and if this boy hears, which he evitably will, that your ds is going on around "badmouthing" him, this boy may hurt your son to get back at him. For the sake of safety, he should distance himself completely from this boy.
I agree with Tara, that you should tell your son about this - and tell your son why you think it is a bad idea. I think your son will appreciate you treating him like a responsible person and talking with him about this event. I'm fairly sure your son does not want to be the person who "outs" his friend (or former friend) at school, more than your son already has.
I think the boy's father is totally out of line for making this request of you, and abdicating his own parental responsibility. I think it is a really weird request for him to make.
On a similar note, several months after we moved into my present house, the adult daughter of a family down the block came to the house while I was at work and my mom was home. She essentially asked my mom for money, for some resaon I don't remember. Mom didn't give her any money. A few weeks later, the woman's mother called on Mom and asked mom to not give her daughter any money - the daughter had a drug problem and the parents knew she would sometimes try to get neighbors to give her money. What a sad thing for a parent to have to do. But that's what this boy's father has to do, if he really cares about what is happening with his son. He should also be talking to the school counselors, and trying whatever counseling avenues he can find to try to help his son - including being an active parent (as you obviously have been).
It is certainly not your responsibility, nor your son's, to attempt to intervene - though clearly your son already has. I hope the counseling program helps your son.
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