Am I being petty?
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Am I being petty?
Okay my older sister and I don't have the best relationship.. We have always been very different individuals and just don't see eye to eye on most things... especially raising children.
My DH and I both work for my BIL and don't really like to hang out with him because he always brings work into it.
Well, here is my issue... My mom asked my family to come out for 4th of July.. Well DH and I didn't really want to but my kids begged and I talked DH into it. This is after my mom telling me that it would just be us.. My sister wasn't coming... Well yesterday I got an email from my mom and it said she was so happy that the "WHOLE" family would be together because my sister decided to come out after all.
I took it as a kick in the face.. My mother knows I do not like being stuck out in the middle of no where with pretty much nothing to do out of their house which means that I will be stuck inside with my sister and BIL pretty much all weekend because it is too hot to really stay out too long...
I am very upset that my mom has put me in this situation again.. I want to call her and tell her that I am not coming but my girls will be EXTREMELY disappointed.
A huge part of the problem is that BIL is kinda supervising my DH while is he writing a new program for the company (it is a HUGE deal at work) and we know that it is going to end up being a work filled weekend if we go because that is all that BIL talks about to DH.
I am really mad... not at my sister but at my mom for telling me that they weren't coming and not telling me that it was possible for them to end up.
Last time we were at my mother's house together was probably 2 years ago and it got really ugly.. I love my sister dearly but she thinks that because she has to do things for her kids that i should cater to mine and sorry but they are 11 and 13.. they can get their own drinks and such.. She also gets really mad that I don't get up early to "watch" my kids in the mornings.. because my mom cooks them breakfast.. well difference at home I don't get up early with my kids.. they cook themselves breakfast.. why would I do it any differently at my mom's?
So am I being petty? This is going to be pretty much my only "vacation" this year due to having to use my vacation time as recovery time from my surgery. I just really don't want to go...
I wouldn't call it "petty" at all. I can understand all your frustrations.... however....
Do you realize how much power you are giving to your sister and her dh? Why on earth would you let someone, anyone, have that much control over your happiness? You can choose to let her get under your skin and have a terrible weekend, or you can choose to let it roll of your back like water on a duck and have a great time!! If she gets on you about you getting up to "watch" your kids, I would say what you just said here and let it go. If her dh brings up work, I would have dh say sorry, but I am on vacation this weekend. We can talk about that Monday if you want and let it go. Don't engage in the conversation. Say what you have to say and that is the end of that. No reason to go back and forth over anything.
You can cancel or go and be miserable and let her have the control, or you can go and have a great time. It is really up to you and your frame of mind!
I totally agree! Don't engage in the work talk! Simply say in a friendly tone, Nope, not talking work talk this weekend. That topic is off limits. And simply do not engage in that conversation.
I agree with both Vicki and Luv29. I used to be the same way let my family get under my skin. Like this one aunt that I have she watched my son for me when she was out of work recently and like your sister gets mad/upset that you don't get up in the morning's with your kids, she comes to my house and argues with me that I have bexes of cereal in the cabinet (yes I admit it) I let my children eat cereal. but in her book this is a big no no her two boys had a hot meal everyday growing up( I find that hard to believe her boys lived at home until they where well over 25 yrs old.)
Sorry making a long story even longer.
But my point is I releize I had to do what makes me and my family happy, and that was not to cater, listen, let it bother me what others wanted me to do. I too say is your BL brings it up with your Dh or you. kindly say no hard feelings but this is our one vacation this summer and we would perfer not to talk shop. There will be plenty of time for that on( day you retun to work). And just like you just told us your kids fix there own breakfast you can tell your sister also. See you pratice with us what you need to say so that you can hear yourself saying it an relieze that it does not sound bad, rude, or petty.
I hope you decide to go not just becasue your kids want to go , but it's the whole family together, how often do you get that ( you said it's been 2 years) for some it's been over 20 or more. Go have fun cherish these family moments with her mother, ds, dh, and the rest of the family. Have fun and if need be let what your sister say go in one ear and out the next, she will evenutaly catch on.
I guess the real problem is that I want to tell my sister how it makes me feel but every time i have ever stood up to her about anything I am told that I "ruined" the holiday or weekend or whatever. About 5 years ago we went to Galveston for Thanksgiving and we had rented a house big enough for the whole family. (my mom and dad, my sister and BIL and their son (she was pregnant with #2 at the time) and me and my 2 girls (i wasn't remarried at the time)). All was going well (got there Wed afternoon) until Thanksgiving morning when I went to go upstairs (it was a spiral staircase which was metal frame that had been filled in with concrete) from the lower level where me and my girls were sleeping to the main living area on the second floor and I hit my forehead on one of the steps (I am almost 6 foot and I should have ducked). I hit it so hard that my mom said she felt the floor shake and it almost knocked me out. I laid down for a few min and then my sis insisted that we go to the grocery store before it closed so we could get the food we needed and I said i really didn't want to go but she got upset so I said fine.. My mom in the meantime was trying to get me to go to the ER.. I was being stubborn and refused to go. I went shopping and could barely stand up on my own. I ended up having a really bad concusion (diagnosed when I got back home and went to the dr) and had a headache for 3 weeks because of it. My whole point is that I was told that because I put my foot down about something there (happened to be that i wanted to get somethign else to eat and was told we could eat with we had left instead of going back to the store the night before we left) that I had ruined their whole weekend and that she didn't see why I couldn't have just been happy with what we had. (well because her DH decided at the last minute that he didn't want a PB&J and he ate the last of the chicken lunch meat that we had and I DETEST PB&J and that is all that was left) how can you be happy when you are about to drive for a long way home and you are still hungry because you didn't get to eat and you aren't allowed to stop. I had already had a bad weekend and I was the one that ruined it all because I finally got upset that I had to eat something that I don't like, why? Because her DH (the same one that got mad that I wanted to go to the store the night before) decided to eat the only thing left that I would eat because it looked better than the PB&J that he had said he would eat the night before. (this is just one of many many many examples that I can give of this type of behavior)
As for BIL bringing up work.. I have asked nicely and I have told him no I won't talk about that for years.. (I have been working for him for over 9 years) And that only postpones the talk until later.. he will just keep bringing it up over and over until you finally give up and talk to him so maybe he will get off your back.
I think that this just made me realize how much I really didn't want to go in the first place but I had let my girls talk me into it. I really would rather just staying around the house and celebrating or doing something fun just me, DH and my girls...
And every time my mom comes into town where my sister and i live we all get together but it is for the afternoon not for a 4 day weekend.. Last time that happened was not even a month ago. I know that some of you wont' ever understand this but I can't be in the same house with my sister for more than about 6 hrs before there are words.. I am 33 and she is older than me and the last time that we stayed at my mom's house together she got so mad at me because of a card game (yes a stupid card game) that she actually tried to push me.. (she is pretty small and I am not so it didn't work but she did try). I just don't want my kids to see that.. her kids wouldn't understand but my kids see and understand everything (they are 11 and 13) and I don't want them to see us like that. It breaks my heart that I can't just get over it but when we are all together it is like my family is second class.. her family is all that counts.. and i mean that litterally.. If my family asks to do something and part of her family doesn't want to it doesn't get done.. period.. and if they want to do something we don't that is the end all.. we HAVE to do it or there is a huge fit.. I am extremely laid back but she puts me on this huge thing that it is all about her family. When it is nap time for her youngest no one is allowed to talk in the house.. HELLO... that is ridiculous.. she has 2 other boys that it is okay if they talk or play but if one of my kids says anything she gets really mad. I think I am just going to have to go with my instincts and not "ruin" her holiday by not going... I do see y'alls point but I really don't think I can just let it roll off my back.. I hate it when my family is treated badly and that is how I feel when they are around..Not by my parents (my mom will do anything to stop confrontation so she just let's my sister get her way since I am a lot like my mom and she knows that I will let it go until it gets to one of my kids or I am just fed up) but my sis and BIL act that way all the time.
Thanks for the advice but I think I am going to have to go with my gut on this and just find an excuse not to go.
If you got through that.. You heard me rant.. I just can't get over the way she treats me and my family and always has. It is her turn to change the way she acts not mine.. I am trying to be a bigger person and not upset my parents like the got last time we were all there. My mom was upset for months and still brings it up about how bad that was for her. I just can't do that to them or my family anymore.
I fully understand why you don't want to go, and I support you. I think there is a lot of history - much of it petty, yes, but a lot of it that your sister and BIL and your mother don't respect your expressed wishes and expect you to always give in to them. At least, that's the way it sounds.
I'm sure there are good reasons for you and dh to be working for your bil, but have you thought that the price you pay for your jobs may be too costly? Conversely, if you choose to work for your bil, you know there are family things that get tied into that, and you have chosen to live with that for 9 years. I suggest that is worth thinking about fairly seriously.
Given that you and dh didn't want to go in the first place, I think you should not go. You'll be miserable, there will be quarrels and incidents, and it just isn't worth it. Your kids will just have to live with it and suck it up.
Now, how you tell your mom - well, that's another story. I don't suppose you can tell her the truth, because it surely won't stay with her. And whatever you tell her, you will be hearing how much you disappointed her and spoiled her holiday (and maybe spoiled everyone's holiday). So no matter what you do, you will pay.
I also want to suggest that your mom may have intended to invite your sister and bil all along, and didn't tell you until after you had accepted because she knew that if she did you'd say no. Lots of famly stuff there I never had to deal with, for which I thank heaven and my parents.
If that is the decision you have made, to be honest, I would tell your mom exactly how you feel and why you are not going. I think it would do you good to stick to your guns and show your mom that this isn't something you are willing to back down on. Maybe that will prevent her from doing it again in the future??
I will come up with an "excuse" to tell everyone Sis and Dad) but I will tell my mom the truth and she will keep it to herself because my mom and I are very close. My mom knows how I feel about spending long periods of time with my sis and her family. I know she wishes that we could do it for some holidays or something but it doesn't work for just weekends.. sometimes we can do Christmas or something if i can plan it right and there is just one maybe 2 days we have to be there at the same time..
And Ginny, I knew my mom invited my sister at the same time she invited my family. I waited until my mom got an answer from my sister the first time before I answered that we would go, and my mom knew that was part of my decision. I guess my sister's plans changed for some reason and they changed their answer to yes. I am sure my mom didn't know what else to do besides say yes since she would never tell either of us not to come.
As for working for my BIL, well that started out because I didn't get to finish college being a young mother I needed a better job but my BIL had faith in my ability to learn quickly and I have moved pretty quickly on my abilities at work. I am trying to get back to school which is difficult with 2 kids because this is not the field that I want to work in the rest of my life. My DH loves his job and it is actually where we met, so it is a little harder for him. I am sure he could find another job but not one he likes as well as he likes this one.
I do have a good reason for not going and I think I can plan enough in the area to keep my kids happy. And that is my main concern. My mom will get over it and my sister will just figure I am being "cheap" because of gas prices or "flakey" because she has to plan everything with her DH months in advance and I never have plans more than a week before they happen, so no big deal there.
As for sticking to my guns.. well I have done that in the past and my sister sticks to hers too and it ends up just a horrible time where I get blamed for making everyone miserable (by my sister anyway). I am a really really laid back person and truthfully I just can't deal with 2 weeks of worrying about what might happen it is not worth my energy. It is just better for me and everyone for us to cancel and do something else.
I agree absolutely, it is not worth your energy. And it is good you can be honest with your mom. Yeah, it makes sense for your dh to stay with a job he loves. I don't know how old your kids are, but if you really want to go back to school and your kids are in school, I urge you to get started. As my dad used to say to me, no matter what you do - five years from now you will be five years older. The only difference will be whether you accomplished something you want in those five years or not.
Wow, that's a tough one. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I don't blame you for not going. I remember the holiday where you had to cater so much to your sister's family, but I can't remember who you are! Enjoy yourself at home.
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