of my brother and his wife. They never ask they just assume that we will do anything for them. A few weeks ago they bought some furniture and called after the purchase and its ohh can we get you to pick up some furniture that we bought. All we have is a suburban and a mini Van and they want us to put in in our suburban to which I said no because it was already loaded with some dry wall and lumber. So today dkids and I run to another town to get dh some saltwater fish for his tank for Fathers Day so we get home and my brother calls he bought a bunch of lumber and wants me to pick it up. I tell him that it wont fit in my van and dh has to work until 9 tonight and he has the suburban. So my brother wants me to take my van to dh work and get the suburban and then go ge the lumber. Which I just change the subject or try to and he tells me well I have to get it today because if I don't I'll have to wait til Monday. So wait because I don't think I should have to run and do for him when they don't ask they just assume we will do it. and they never offer to pay for gas. I just am at my wits in. I am at the point where I think I am going to have to say something and I don't think he will like it. and dh gets really mad and I think he is at his blowing up point with them. I am curious how you all would handle this. Thanks

By Texannie on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 03:51 pm:

why does he feel free to ask you to do these things? have you always done them in the past?

By Yjja123 on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 03:52 pm:

Of course you need to speak up. I would practice what you want to say (a lesson I learned from Ginny). Try to stay calm and let him know that he cannot assume that you will be picking up things with your vehicle. Explain that you feel taken advantage of and are not going to do it anymore.
Honestly, they probably have no idea that you are bothered....since you have established a pattern of always doing it for them.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 03:57 pm:

In the words of a former first lady, "Just say no". And yes, rehearse it first. No, I will not do it today or Monday or any other day. No, you have no right to assume that my husband or I will spend our time, gas money, and risk damage to our vehicles to pick up stuff for you. No, you should have asked us first if we would help before you made the purchase, if you could not manage to pick it up yourself. No, here's the phone number for Budget truck rental.

Alternatively - OK, I will do this for you but in return you have to (help my dh install the drywall we have in our Suburban) (some other thing where you and/or dh need help). After all, if you want a favor you should offer a fair exchange.

I think Yvonne is right. You have done this in the past, so I can understand why they think you will always do it.

Finally, as an alternative, you can say "OK, I will do it this time, but this is the last time. Next time you need to move something large, call Budget and rent a truck. And, I want $X for gas for this trip."

By Marie on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 04:37 pm:

We never really did anything for them like what they have been asking . Thats what I can't figure out why all the sudden its they just assume we will do it. But my brother is spoiled rotten by my Mom and with him being married it is still no different. My Mom lives over and hour away and if I wont do something for him. he will call Mom and complain to her and whine. she will drop everything to take care of it and it frustrated me to know end that he does that to her and you try to talk to mom about it and she gives all this sad story. My brother is blind and he is home quite alot and her excuse is that he is lonely and on and on I really get tired of hearing it. he didnt choose to be blind but he did choose to be in the postition he is in. about 3 years ago he was offered a full scolarship to go to school for the blind. He was also promised a job afterwards he was given the oppurtunity that some would kill for but he told them no that he wanted to get married. If they would of waited a year he would have been finished and would have a wonderfull job and he wouldn't be stuck at home all the time. She works full time and she don't get of early enough to run and do what he wants because everything is closed. and I dont run around town. I may go out in the evening once a week or so but not what he wants. Its almost every other day he is calling wanting me to take him places. I am just going to start telling him I am sorry I can't and hope for the best because he will call Mom and whine to her and I will hear it from her but I am getting tired.

By Texannie on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 06:46 pm:

wonder what's prompted him to start expecting this from you? i agree with Ginny. 'i am sorry, but i can't'

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 07:04 pm:

No, Annie - not "I can't". What I recommend is "I won't". It is truly sad that your brother is blind but, as you note, Marie, he has chosen to not take advantage of opportunities offered to him. He is indeed a victim of something not of his making, but he can choose to act like a victim or act like a person with a handicap who is working to overcome it and take advantage of every opportunity to improve his life. If he chooses not to, that is, as the kids say, "on him".

It is also sad that he brings your mother into it to put additional pressure on you. And, of course, not fair. I'm sure there's some "mommy guilt" operating for your mother, but I urge you to not buy into it.

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. By the way - all that lumber he bought - who is going to use it? If he is hiring someone to do something with the lumber, that hired person can pick it up.

By Karen~admin on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 07:45 pm:

Ditto Ginny - Just Say No! Took me most of my life to learn how to do that. LOL I can SURE do it now, though! :-)

By Marie on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 09:12 pm:

Thank you all. I am just going to say I wont. I think it might take him awhile to get it. But I am tired and feel like we are being taken advantage of.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, June 13, 2008 - 11:05 pm:

One "No" at a time... It gets easier, trust me.. Like Karen, it took me a long time to learn it was okay to say "No". I had several people in my life that thought it was okay to ask me, more like tell me, to do anything and everything all on their schedule. This drove DH nuts. Needless to say, in time they discovered they could manage on their own.

By Karen~admin on Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 07:59 am:

Here's the thing -

If you are a person who has allowed people to walk on you, if you were raised like *I* was - to feel guilty for saying NO - then, not only do you think that's the way you're SUPPOSED to feel, you just keep repeating the cycle.

Once you make up your mind to take control and stop letting people treat you badly, or take advantage of you, the first time you tell someone NO is the hardest. Trust me, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. LOL

As Bobbie said.....One "No" at a time.............