Marriage and family duties
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2008:
Marriage and family duties
The marriage post has me thinking (along with a recent conversation with my hubby).
So what are your husband's duties in your house?
Do you work outside of the home? Are your kids school aged?
I do not work, my kids are in school all day. So now I pretty much do everything. My husband thinks this is how it should be. I don't completely agree, but I know our life runs easier if it is that way. So I only mind sometimes *S*. However my husband really does think that this is how all houses are run, when the wife stays home and the kids go to school.
So how do you divide up chores: Lawn service, meals, bill paying, house cleaning, etc.
Uh-oh. This topic always turns into a debate!  For us, my dh owns his own company and usually works 12-14 hours a day, M-F. I am a substitue teacher, so I work part-time during the school year, and not at all in the summer. Dks are 15 and 18.
DH is in charge of the bills, we hire out the yard work, he goes grocery shopping with me every Sunday night, and generally helps with any project I need help with. I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
Since we are all different, and have different skill sets, all of our marriages will look different. If neither party feels taken advantage of, and both parties feel valued and respected for the work they do, it's all good. This is something that I wish more couples would talk about BEFORE marriage.
Michelle the problem with this discussion before marriage is we all change. When we married I intended to work full time, and for awhile I did. We split up the duties pretty well, and hired out a lot. What we do works for us. And ultimately if I ask he will do anything. But it is funny to me that my husband really thinks that is how the world is. He really does nothing, except work. So I really just wanted to see who was more normal in their thinking.
That's true, Kaye. Our situations change, and WE change! I am not the same person I was when I married dh 21 years ago, LOL.
I stayed at home with the kids for the first 10 years of our marriage (except for a few months) and did most of the around the house stuff. Even though I work as a preschool teacher now, things haven't changed much. He takes out the trash and mows the lawn. His garage is his to clean and organize or not, I don't keep things out there. It is truly his domain. I take care of the bills, the kids, their schooling, laundry, all cleaning and cooking except for one dinner a week. Since he works at a grocery store, he will bring home the stray gallon of milk or bag of produce since I only shop once every two weeks. All the other shopping (unless it is electronic) is left to me. He works, does the lawn and takes out the trash. I think that's about it.
All I can say is that my husband use to help out a lot more ...now he does next to nothing. He feels the same way, he works two jobs, shouldn;t have to help out at home *sigh*...My son has a couple of chores he does(take trash out, and empty dishwasher)which helps. I do all the laundry, cleaning, dinners. In the past my husband would help out with all of this, now he doesn't lift a finger, unless I specifically ask him. If I ask him to carry a laundry basket upstairs he will(though if he sees it and I dont ask, it will sit there),if I ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher, he will..again though he has left his late night icecream bowl out just about everynight, and I put it in the dishwasher in the morning. At one time he would of done it... He will give my youngest a bath at night, and get her pj's on, but thats about it.
He does mow the lawn, or my son does it.
My husband does pay the bills. I use to , but he doesn't like the way I do it, so he does it..
Wow. my dh does a lot but and a lot of my friends wish their dh's did as much but then I look at it and he does just about his share most of the time.
We both work full time (at the same place so we are gone just about the same amount of time each day) I just choose to come to work earlier than he does most days (we have flex time and can come in anytime between 7 and 10 as long as we work our hours).
We hire someone to do the lawn because neither of us can stand to be outside with our next door neighbor.
We each cook about 1/2 of the time and he does the dishes most of the time. I clean most of the rest of the house except our bathroom and the kitchen. We each do our own laundry also. The girls do their own laundry also.
He does pay the bills, but that is because he is better at that than me.
I love my dh and how much he helps me but as for as the kids I do everything for them but he is trying to put forth a better effort to do things for and with them more.
So I guess I have it pretty good.
DH does all the man work. Repairing, fixing, lifting heavy things... stuff like that. I assigned cleaning toilets to him because I despise that job! We both equally cook but pretty much the rest of the house is up to me. If I seem to get overwhelmed he'll jump in and help but more than anything I love when he takes the kids so I can clean by myself without interruption. I pay all the bills and let him know how much "fun money" we have left. He used to spend all the left over fun money of himself and things he wanted to do but I took the stand lately and started making hair appointments, nail appointments and things like that and just telling him "Hey, you have the kids on such and such date." If I didn't make the stand for myself, he would definitely still spend, spend, spend... lol.
Dh sometimes will mow the back yard if I didn't get to it, he sweeps the pool, he takes out trash, cleans HIS fish tank (LOL I didn't want the fish tank) puts his clean clothes away, takes his dirty clothes to the laundry room, he is good about picking up after himself and he takes dd to school.
I pay bills, grocery shop, clean, mow the front yard (always) sometimes mow the back, take animals and dd to appointments, pick dd up from school, take care of all the flower beds and watering, and just about everything else I can't think of right now. LOL
oops, I also do all the cooking and I am a SAHM.
i was a sahm for most of my kids life, only recently going back to work full time. i always did everything and dh sort of did the 'man stuff'. it's been a hard adjustment with me going back to work. i get frustrated with him for not helping, but then a part of me still thinks i should do it all. (excluding the stuff the kids are in charge of).
the one thing he does that just kills me is, i will say i need help, so he does his own laundry. LOL
This is the first time I haven't worked - and now my kids are grown. But when my kids were young, when I was married to their dad and working full time, he did nothing except the yard. I did everything else - for all four kids (doctor's & ortho appointments, transportation to and from activities, etc.) in addition to all the housework, shopping, cooking, paying the bills, laundry, homework, baths, bed....my Ex was a real controlling jerk.
When DH and I were first married, he helped out a lot more than he has the last couple of years - he would help with laundry and cleaning and cooking, but it gradually dwindled to just grilling. I had to remind him that BOTH of us were working full time and both of us needed to share duties.
Now, we have someone take care of the yard for us because of physical issues we both have. He works and I am at home, so I really don't mind doing the bulk of things myself. He does share in the cooking and cleanup, he takes care of the trash, he'll put laundry away, and when I had surgery he REALLY stepped up and did everything for 6 weeks, and still helps out a lot more than usual in the kitchen.
I am very blessed and grateful!
I stay home full time and this year both kids were in full time school for the first time, but that really didn't change anything...things have been like this forever:
DH (works full time M-F 8-5) mows the lawn, takes out the trash, deals with all car maintenance, does about 80% of the laundry, cooks about 80% of the time (I'm a HORRIBLE cook and I hate it), does 100% of the grocery shopping, about 50% of the dishes, does all the bills and banking, fills the cars with gas, and when the girls were infants he would walk them during the night until they fell back to sleep after I nursed them. He also plays with them and helps them with their homework.
I clean the house, makes desserts and the occasional dinner, 20% of the laundry, 50% of the dishes, take the girls to and from school, arrange and provide transport for playdates, make and take the girls to doctor and dentist appts. and lessons, buy and wrap all Christmas and birthday gifts and cards for all people in our lives, buy any needed clothes for the family, and run errands.
I get to spend lots of time reading, surfing the net, volunteering at school and church, and visiting with friends. I am often in shock at how much my husband does compared to other husbands I know.
Hubby:
All lawn chores
pool cleaning
maintenance of appliances, plumbing, AC, electrical, etc
maintenance of vehicles
50% carpooling kids to activities
He does not clean the house but did the majority of the house cleaning when I worked. He does clean up after himself and will do something if he notices it needs to be done.
I do all of the bill paying and always have.
My hubby does not expect me to do it all. I do a lot because I feel that he shouldn't have to (after working 70+ hour work weeks). I want his free time to be family time, not chore time.
I worked full time for 7 years before having kids. I never intended to stay home with her, believe me! It was a lot of soul searching on my part and the hardest decision I've ever made, by FAR! I feel so blessed to have made that wisdom, to have the opportunity to make it a choice and not a requirement, and to have such a supportive husband about the whole thing. He encouraged me to do what *I* wanted, either way. I know he didn't really want Nat in daycare, but would have agreed if I felt that was best for me. He is WONDERFUL!
I work about 7 hours/week as a Developmental Therapist. I'm lucky because it pays big, so I work next to no time and make a lot. That has times when it varies, but that's a general. I love it, my kid stays with her grandparents, everyone is happy. If we didn't have grandparents in town, I wouldn't be doing it.
Before kids we split chores and errands down the middle really. Since I was a teacher, I took over in the summer since I wasn't doing anything else and bore easily. Since I quit working, I take care of most everything - the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, I always did the finances anyway and then we discuss it so that hasn't changed, and I do a big part of the yard work. I LOVE to do the yard work. Everything but weedeater that is. DH and I sometimes share keeping up the shrubbery. DH's main chores are: providing for us so I can stay home with Natalie, home repairs, and some yard work. He is dreading the day when I go back to work, ;)...I told him I'll demonstrate for him how to dust since he's probably forgotten. Honestly, we'll probably get a housekeeper when I go back, so he might permanently be out of housework!!
I have to add that my DH is WONDERFUL about doing anything that I ask of him. All of the above are typically my area, but if for some reason it can't happen from me, he steps right up. He understands that like any job, even stay home chores get old sometimes, so sometimes he just does things to give me a break.
When we both worked full time, there was never anything expected of me. It was expected of both of us and that's really the truth. Okay, maybe he expected dinner, but that's probably because he doesn't have a clue and I love to cook. So it's fine. If I ever told him I didn't want to cook, he'll go out and get us something, so I guess it's the same, just a different way of doing it!
In my experience, I find that there are 2 opposite ends of the spectrum with men, and only a very few in-between. One end: they don't want their wives home at all because the loss of income will cut into their hobbies (yuck, don't even get me started). The other end is it's expected the woman stay home and take care of everything and there's never another choice.
The exception are those that don't mind either way and always do their part because we're all PEOPLE and not men/women.
I our incomes were reversed and I made his salary and he made my teaching salary, he would be at home. It's what he's wanted from the beginning but it's not in the cards with salaries.
I do feel that since he is providing for us and supportive of me, he does work all day and have that burden of all the finances being on him. It's my job to take care of things around here, reasonably. When I go back to work, obviously things will change again for us.
I am a SAHM and do pretty much everything from cooking and cleaning to driving the kids around to paying the bills. We hire someone to take care of our lawn maintenance and I take care of getting my car serviced. Dh handles any painting/repairs. He also does the dishes with one of the kids after dinner.
I don't mind handling the day-to-day stuff so long as he doesn't complain when life gets busy and it doesn't always get done.
Sometimes I really miss being married. Just having someone to help with ONE of the chores would be nice, beyond the little help my kids give, which ends up being more hassle than it's worth.
It's an ever-changing animal as our lives are ever-changing. For the first time since kids I am working full-time outside of the home and DH is working full-time from home. Our general breakdown is:
Me: 90% of cooking, 75% housecleaning, all laundry (but DH puts up his own clothes), 40% of kid chaffeuring, half of bill paying
DH: 10% cooking, 100% dishes, 10% housecleaning, 60% of kid chaffeuring, half of bill paying and all banking, car maintenance, lawn maintenance, fix-it jobs and home improvement, garbage/recycling.
We share in gardening because we enjoy it. The kids do 15% of the housekeeping. We split gift-buying. I buy for my family and he buys for his. I do all the grocery shopping, we split errands 50/50, I arrange doctor/dentist/haircut appts. and keep up with school papers and permission slips. We both help with homework. I think we make a great team! I did most of the kid chaffeuring before I started working fulltime, but that has changed with DH being at home now.
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