What to do?
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What to do?
I am so torn. I want out of my marriage, but I just can't bring myself to do it because of my dks.
My dh and I have been to counseling, we have tried everything. He puts his work first, kids 2nd, and me 3rd, and it just isn't working for me anymore. He is full of promises that he never keeps, we have not had sex in I don't know how long. Even when he is home, he is not really here. He is always on the phone with work, thinking about work, etc. He has worked hard to become very successful at his job, but he just doesn't seem to understand that he is failing as a husband. I have always put up with it because even though I haven't been "in love" with him in a long time, at least we were friends, and I respected him as a father. We got along, even though I knew I didn't really love him anymore, so I could live with that. Now, we don't even have that. We basically never talk anymore. If he is at home, he is doing things with the kids. or on the phone with work. He has started snapping at me about every little thing. I have to watch everything I say. If he thinks it is critical at all, he just goes off. I have gotten to the point where I can't stand being around him. I can't wait unil the next time he is out of town on business. This is just no way to live. However, it breaks my heart everytime I think of leaving. I don't want to do that to my kids. The problem is I think he know that.
We went to counseling. He admitted he puts me behind work and the kids, but he won't do anything to change it. I have tried giving, giving, giving. He takes and takes and takes, and gives nothing back.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am letting life pass me by. I try and live for my kids, and most days, that is enough. But, a lot of time, it just makes me really sad. I just don't think I want to live like this anymore.
Anyone BTDT??
I've been where you are at and I left, do I regret it? Not one bit, I'm a MUCH happier person by myself than in a relationship and still being alone. I'm a firm believer in that happy parents make happier kids, so far it's rang true for me and my son.
I'm not saying that it's easy or what you should do but wanted to let you know that there are people who have been where you're at, you're not alone.
((((Anon))))) I think you already know what you need to do, so I'm sure you will do it in your own time. We're here if you need support, or just to vent. Good luck.
Ditto Crystal. On the other hand, what about a weekend away? Is that possible? Just to be alone and talk, fight, have fun, simply "be" together -whatever needs to be done. If you really think there's not a hope left, you do know what you have to do though. Life is very short, so you have to live it happily. Your kids also need a model of what a good marriage is, so they have appropriate expectations of what their own marriages should be like.
{{HUGS}} I really hope everything works out for the best. Only you know your situation. Vent away.
Oh Anon.. I am so sorry to read your post. I could of wrote almost the exact same thing,only changing a couple of small things.
I know how draining it can be for the self-esteem. I am sorry I have no words of advice, or any wisdom to share, just know I truley understand where you are coming from.
If you want to chat some more,and just be heard by somebody who truley understands please email me. I am going anon as well, I don't like people to know all the bad stuff. Here is another email address I use.
smallones05 at yahoo dot com
I broke up the e-mail address so that it can't be "skimmed" by the computer robots. We recommend that when you put an e-mail address in a post that you break it up. MODERATOR
I was married to a man like that, a decent man, but no idea how to be a husband or father, and always put his work and his interests first. After almost 19 years of marriage I left him. I have three sons, who were 9, 10 and 15 at the time, and I had gone back to work a few years earlier. I won't tell you it was easy, because there were a lot of times when it wasn't. One of the hardest things was that after we separated I don't think he saw his sons more than twice a year, though we were only about 10 miles away - that was his choice. Truly, my only regret is that I hadn't done it sooner.
Deanna is right about modeling a good marriage. I have always believed that the reason my husband was the way he was is because his father was of the generation where the husband went to work, brought home the paycheck, and the wife did all the family and household stuff.
As for staying together for the sake of the children, think about that. If they don't already know you're unhappy, they will. What a burden to put on them - that you stay where you are unhappy for their sake. Eventually they will learn that also, and it is not a nice feeling. My dear dil's parents started divorce proceedings about 2 months after she and my son married, and they told her they were only staying together until she married. They had terrible fights, which she heard. Our family loves debating, but we have to be very careful around my dil, because she often thinks we are fighting and gets very, very upset.
You say you and your husband are quarreling a lot, and "I have to watch everything I say. If he thinks it is critical at all, he just goes off." How long before that turns into real fights, which the children will witness. They must already be getting their ears full of what is going on. That can't be good for them.
I say the same thing the others are saying - you know what you have to do. I suggest that the next time he is out of town you make copies of all financial and property papers (tax returns, bank statements, credit card statements, property deeds, car titles, pay stubs if you have them (for pension deductions, etc.) and put them in a safe place outside the house. And then go talk to a lawyer. If you don't want to think about divorce, think at least about separation, with him living somewhere else. It is always possible that after a few months or several months of separation he will decide he does want to work at his marriage. Though my husband didn't.
But don't, don't, don't stay "for the sake of the children". Don't do that to your children.
I too have been in a very similar situation. And yes, I left. It took a while to get up the courage, but I'm so much happier now. You have to do what you feel is right for YOU.
Ginny, we do not fight in front of the kids. I absolutely refuse to do that to them. Yes, we occasionally bicker in front of them, like most people, but we don't have fights in front of them. The fighting has just started, it just puts the icing on the cake. I no longer bring up anything I know is sensitive unless the dks are not around. However, yes, I do know and worry that we are not modeling what a "real" marriage should be like. My dh, just like your father, did not come from parents that had a good marriage. Dh just doesn't know how to balance work and husband duties. I think he gives so much at work, and then to our dks, that nothing is left for me. Things are fine as long as he doesn't have to put in too much effort. But, if I express a want or need, things go down hill. I know he would continue to see our dks if we split. They are his life. Unfortunately, his Dad was also not a good father, so he goes overboard with them.
We are supppose to take a trip next month, just us. I really don't want to go. However, I guess I will look at it as one last effort. Unfortunately, when we have talks like these, things will change for a little while, and then they go back to the same old thing. It is a never ending cycle.
You know, if you are this miserable maybe he is too and neither of you want to be the one to bring up ending it. I honestly think it is time for a heart to heart with him. I think one of two things could happen, you will find out he is just as miserable and you can go your seperate ways on good terms. Or maybe he will realize just how close you are to the end of your rope and will put forth a true effort. Life is way too short to live feeling the way you are.
Well I guess someone has to say it. I am not sure that not being happy is really grounds for divorce. Would you really be happier alone? Or happier having to coordinate schedules with him not living with you?
Really I don't know what is right for you. I have had serious ups and downs in my marriage. There are plenty of times that I have felt low on the totem pole. Typically it takes me speaking up, loudly and often. What might make might situation different is my husband really does love me, he just isn't good at showing it. His idea of love is coming home nightly and bringing in a pay check. The two things he didn't see growing up.
I think the answer lies in talking with your husband. What does he want? Is he as miserable as you? Does he think divorce would be easier? I personally would take my weekend away, take some books/quizes and have a little marital discussion on goals, plans, dreams, etc. Marriage takes work to be happy, and there are lots of things that take our time.
Also be prepared to have some answers. Just saying we don't spend enough time together, isn't an answer. How are you going to spend time together? Kind of like those home businesses, if you don't schedule in your work hours, it doesn't happen. So if time is an issue, pick a night that is couple night. Wed we will rent a movie and at 9 pm our time starts. Or something concrete and measurable. For me our big obstacle is scouts. My hubby is VERY involved. So I make Friday nights no scout days, we don't do scouting events, we don't talk about scouts, period, end of discussion. We have three children in scouts, we are both leaders, including him being a cubmaster. This week he is at a campout Sat through sat. So there are some obvious exceptions, but you know we discussed it before he left. On Thursday, I made it clear I didn't want to have a scout night on Friday, I was doing what needed to be done prior to that, so he would have to trust that it was completed. Anyway, I am just saying, don't be vague, what would you like to change specifically.
I used to buy into the, if you have to tell them to bring you flowers it doesn't mean as much. Well, sometimes they just have to be trained. It is kind of like our kids, when they struggle in school. You keep reteaching or you give up on them. So what are the consequences of giving up? If you give up a marriage, there are lots of consequences. So you really need to weigh that against reteaching.
Just for the record, my feelings are completely different if there is any kind of abuse. But when I read your post, I read that you feel unloved and that you love your husband and he is a good man.
I agree with Kaye. I think just going to counseling (and for how long) isn't enough to say it's not going to work out. Try again, pick a new counselor, have a heart to heart. If he won't go, go by yourself. Sounds like communication is at the heart of the issue. Hope you can work things out!
The whole concept of staying together for the kids is a tough one. I know plenty of kids of divorce who aren't ok. Who didn't like it better when they parents divorced. I know my kids are watching some friends of theirs parents go through a divorce, and it's devastating my kids. They have even said they think it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them.
It's just not so black and white, unfortunately.
I'm afraid I am the one who seems to put work first many times. I often feel that my 20 kids at school get 95% of my time and my family gets the rest. I'm sure my husband feels the same way you do. I am so busy at work that I often don't put the effort in to it. When we do go out it is me that plans it but that hasn't been for a long time. I know I would love for him to plan something for us. Maybe you could try that.
Thank you for all your input. I am still very torn on what to do. I have decided that I am going to go into counseling by myself for awhile. I found a counselor that specializes in these types of situations. I start next week.
Pam, we were in counseling for over a year. We had a great counselor that focused on communication. The problem is dh will not do what we learned in counseling. In my opinion, the problem is that dh is mentally, and emotionally drained when he comes home from work. He also doesn't know how to "turn work off". He has agreed that these are all issues with him. He knows I don't believe in divorce, and really he doesn't either. However, he puts NO effort in at home. He does nothing around the house, which I have actually gotten over. But, now he doesn't do anything with me either. He put no effort in to talk to me, to "be" with me. Really, after he comes home from work, he does stuff with the kids, we both do actually. And, then once they are in bed, he sits in front of the TV, and doesn't say a word to me. If I try and talk to him, he barely responds.
I have a wonderful circle of friends that I use as a support system. These are the people, I go to, and talk to. And, most days I am ok with that. It just really makes me sad, that I do not have a dh that I can do this with. Also, I worry about when my kids get older, Dh and I have no realationship. And, to be honest, over the last year, I have given up. Now, there is no effort at all, and I am starting to get resentful.
So, no I don't think he is a bad guy. He is also a great father. But, if he doesn't make any effort, what should I do? I have gotten very good at talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. He will listen, he acknowledges, and admits what I say is true. BUT, he does nothing about it. Part of the problem is that dh is "pretty happy" in his words. So, I guess if he is pretty happy, and I am sticking around, what motivation does he have to change?
I think everyone has given you really good advice. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope you are able to come to peace with the right decision. Good luck hun. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I have no advice for you, though I am really glad you have decided to go into counceling by yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Counseling, with a good counselor, is a good idea. I think learning to address your own issues with this will help you to learn how to address your DH's issues. Divorce or not you will need to be able to deal with him the rest of your life.
I am with the group of not sure how this will impact your children. I see to many people walk away from marriages that can be fixed because their parents divorced and they have no problem with walking away for their own happiness. My parents divorced when I was 16, I listened to their nonsense for 16 years, and then they decided to divorce. They spent 16 years telling me to work through my issues, they spent 16 years telling me I had to learn to work as a team and to compromise, that I could do anything I put my mind to. Yet they divorced because they could/wouldn't do a darn thing they had spent my entire life telling me I had to learn to do. Needless to say, them throwing up their hands caused me to loose a lot of respect in what they had to say. I have been with DH for 20 years on the 25 of this month, I have been married 18 years and I can tell you it hasn't been easy, there were days I would have loved nothing more than to beat him to death with my bare hands, but we managed. His parents divorced when he was 6 and his mother left to go be "happy". We swore we would work through everything, when we decided to become a couple. We swore before God when we married. If he was my son I couldn't quit him and just because he isn't my blood doesn't make him any less a part of me.
I do not believe a person that is abused should be bound to stay in a bad marriage. But I think a person that has lost their happiness had ought to go about finding it. Happiness comes from in you... Not your spouse, he can impact it, he can make it better but he does not have the power to make it happen... That is all in you. To many people walk away from a marriage they claim is "bad" and walk right into another "bad" situation because they don't change themselves. Themselves, being where the unhappiness starts and carries on into everything else in your life. Counseling is very good... Work on fixing you, and if you decide that a divorce is what you need to do, don't stop working on fixing you.. Your kids will see your effort and recognize the divorce was for the right reasons.
Both DH and my parents on the other hand rushed into new relationships searching for "happiness" and ended up just as miserable in those marriages and divorced. After 36 years of being divorced, 2 other marriages each, and putting their children through heck (whole nother post) my in laws are back together... From what I hear, they are the beaming young 70+ year old couple, never been happier, and so in love.. To bad they couldn't have figured out how to get along when Dh was 6, might have saved us all a lot of pain and struggles, because of the effects of their choices.....
Sorry about the mini vent. Divorce is a sore subject with me. I don't think all divorces are bad, I just think some are just really unnecessary. I also feel that tooo many people get married for the wrong reasons, but that too is a whole other post..
Best of luck to you, and you know we love to hear updates, so keep us posted...
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