A vent of sorts
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2008:
A vent of sorts
I'm going anon, because I think my friend reads here.
I have a best friend, we have been friends for almost 15 years. She divorced about 10 years ago and for the most of those years she has been dating a person I refer to as dh (not in a nice way at all). Well dh is a jerk. He really likes alone time, which means her 2 kids and 2 dogs is more stimulation than he can take. So there relationship is mostly from 10 pm to 5 am. Cause you know he can't be seen by the kids. He beat her up once, it took her months but she finally broke up with him. He stalked her for months and she got back together with him. Well 4 years has past since then. They were engaged, he had to have her wear a ring, but when it came time to plan a wedding things just didn't work out. The reality is he is mr fun, her needs come second, period. When crap happens he is useless. My friend however is very codependant and has low self esteem. I know this, we are very very good friends. But she can be exhausting. Well She broke up with dh in january. He stalked her, he manipulated her, etc, etc. Well it has finally been a full 2 weeks with no contact. And she misses him. I find out today that she called him and they are going out next weekend. GEESH! I mean really police have been called at least twice, she had to change her phone number, etc.
I am a terrible person for considering losing her as a friend? I have been so personally involved with this whole thing. I have given up nights with my own hubby to protect her. I have given a lot of extra time to check on her safety. Not because she asked, but because I genuinely worry about her. I have now done this twice. It is exhausted and time consuming. If she really gets back together with him, I really think I might just be done with her. I feel bad about it, but I can't go through this again. I don't know. I am so angry and hurt by her choices. Her kids hate this man, he treats them and her poorly, I just don't get it!
You are absolutely not a terrible person for taking care of yourself emotionally and dropping her as a friend. And I would tell her exactly that. You have been there for her, and been there for her. She is putting herself back (AGAIN!!) into not only an emotionally unhealthy relationship, but a dangerous one. You can no longer handle the responsibility of, once again, waiting for her life to shatter so she can come to you for help in putting back the pieces. No ma'am. I would tell her that her choices hurt and anger you because you really do love her, but you are finished with it. It may make her think more closely about the choices she is making, but even if it doesn't, I would back away from this friendship.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is not an easy thing to do, but you have a responsibility to yourself and your family to take care of YOURSELF first, and sometimes this means letting go of relationships that suck the life out of you. Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
That's one thing you could do. Or if you truly want to keep her as a friend. You can let her know where you stand on the situtition. That you can't go through this again that it's an emotionally draining situtition and you will not be a part of it. You will and do not wish to discuss or listen to her complaints about dh (or what ever he is), if she can not respect your wishes then it's best that you too part ways.
I think you see that you can't change her mind about this guy ( just like a person with an addiction) they have to change the situtition themselves but a the same time you don't have to be involved if you choose not too.
I pray that your friend sees the lights sooner rather then later. if not for her own sanity and peace of mind. But for that of her two dk's.I would have that upon maturity or adulthood she hears her children complain about there childhood not being a happy one because of this man.
You have been through the mill right along with her. I don't blame you for wanting to not be involved anymore. Actually, your being there for her is probably one of the things enabling her to continue this destructive pattern of behavior - not that you are in any way to blame or responsible. I think if maybe you sat down and talked to her as DandJmom says it would be better for both of you.
Hugs.
Ame
Well, if your friend does read here, I bet you won't have to say anything. LOL It wouldn't be too hard to figure out you are talking about her.
Anyway, I don't think you are terrible for wanting to distance yourself from the situation either. I had to do that with a friend once and I do know how hard it is. But if it is bringing down your own life and just happening over and over and she isn't going to change the situation than really you have no choice. Just because she is willing to put up with all of that in her own life doesn't mean you have to! I would also be scared to be too involved if this guy stalks her etc.... that would make me nervous to be in the middle of!
I have sat down and talked with her about this. Actually when she decided to end it this time about a month into it. I sat down and told her "look, what I want for you is to be happy, if he makes you happy figure out how to be happy then. But if he isn't what makes you happy and you want my help then I will give it to you. But I will not make the decision to help you get rid of him without this being a final decision. If you get back with him or change your mind, our friendship will never be the same". So basically what I ended up doing was running interference on her birthday, not letting him in the house, having 911 on the speed dial with phone in my hand. Confronting him and making him leave. I have never been so scared in my life. But I knew I had a chance in the fight, she didn't. I got off with the phone with her before my first post, I am just so MAD at her. I told her, and I got off the phone.
It just seems so childish to say pick him or me...LOL. The past 4 years we have just dealt with it. I have only seen him 3 or 4 times in the time period, she seperates us very well. Crazy...crazy..crazy! I do hope she reads here, but she really reads in spurts.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I had a similar situation with a friend in the past, not regarding the violence to that extreme, or the jealousy/stalking, but similar with relationship problems. I struggled the same way you are with ending the friendship, for the same reasons.
I don't think you're terrible at all. It sounds like you have already discussed this her. I think you could lay out your feelings about it one more time and just end it. It's difficult and at times I know I've felt guilty about my own past similar friendship (we haven't spoken in years now, or only a very casual hello in public), so there may be guilt feelings at some point. Really, it's probably the best thing for you AND for her. (As I think someone else said)
Some people just can never get their lives to work out, and they're constantly repeating bad decisions. They just seem to "want" the bad stuff, and that's where the co-dependency comes in. I hope it works out for the best for you. {{{HUGS}}} When you put it that way "pick him or me", it does sound childish, but it's more than that so don't get too hung up on thinking that way. That's just a surface tag line, but it's so much more.
When I broke it off with my friend, it was just that - a break off and then I continued to pray for her. She's in the same situation, 12 years later. 
Well, I don't blame you for wanting to walk away, I think you have due cause and your friend clearly needs more help then a non professional can handle.
Co-dependency, for sure... Misses him, my foot. And in no way childish.. Sounds like one of the mom's that is throwing her kids under the bus for her man??? I don't do drama and I don't associate myself with other peoples dramas. Well, outside of this group, but I can choose not to engage in a discussion on here... I can not handle the stress (stress is a fibro trigger) they bring into my life and I am a much happier person for it.... I missed a few people at first but now I have no doubt that it was the best decision for me... It is nice not having to pick up the phone and listen to someone whine about a situation they allowed themselves to get into and most generally had chosen not to do anything about.
I had been told to alleviate as much stress in my life as I could and it would help with the flare ups, they weren't joking...
I think you have to walk away. You have been around this block several times, even putting yourself potentially in harms way by running interference. For reasons those of us on the outside can't understand, battered women often return to their batterers, time and time again. And all you can do is wait and see, and be ready to call 911 if she shows up on your doorstep bruised and bloody. But you can't continue to be involved in her off again on again behavior without stressing your life.
It feels hard and maybe heartless to think of "walking away" from a long time friend, but in reality, she is the one who is making the choice. I wonder, too, if she doesn't have you around to provide sympathy, will she take another look at her life and what she really wants to do? Or, sadly, she could wind up like Reds' friend, still there 12 years from now.
If he makes her happy. She needs to grow up she is a mother, what about her kids happiness. When I was dating if my kids didnt' feel the person I was seeing no matter how much I wanted. there happiness came first. Don't misunderstand I'm not talking about how we see some kids just don't wnat there parents to remarry or be with anyone other then there father. I mean like you said about this guy he treats the kids badly. spending time iwth them adn her two dogs is too much for him. Well then I'm sorry I can't spend time wtih you.
No I dont' think your saying it's me or him. your just being the voice of reason that she needs to hear that this is not good, been there done that, how many times do you play with fire figure of speech) before you figure out that you get burned. But your right to let her know that your old and wise enough to know that playing with fire isn't good and this isn't good either.
I know that ending a friendship is hard , me and a close friend of 21 years haven't spoken in the past 2 1/2 years , over a similiar situtition. I found out through mutual freinds that her boyfriend/baby fater was cheating on her and had another child with this person. everyone knew except for her I thought at the time I should have kept my mouth shut because I lost her for telling the truth, but now I releize that I didn't need to be associated witih someone that was supposed to be my best friend, someone that we have gone through so much together. and when it comes down to a guy she think I would lie to hurt her. If my word wasn't good enough for her then , who's to say that in the future we wouldnt' find ourself in the same situtition where I needed her to believe in me again and she didn't
Didn't ment to make this about me.But just wanted you to know that I understand what your dealing with both out of love and care for your friend , and emotionlly over possiably lossing a friend. Hugggggggggggs.
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