My mom, sister, and I went across the street to our neighbor's house and she asked a question, I told her I'd post here to see what you guys all thought as I wasn't sure how to handle it.

Her nephew who they haven't seen since he was a child sent them a graduation announcement for his college graduation. Her husband sent him a check for $50.00 along with a card. Today they got a thank you card in the mail with a preprinted thank you in it with a signature on it stating "thank you for the gift". There was also a note enclosed from his mother stating that her son had washed the check in his pants pocket and they returned the check back to them stating that the bank would not honor the check. The signature on the thank you card and the note from the mother were in the same handwriting so it's obvious that the son didn't even sign his own thank you cards.

So do they resend the check after getting what was a very tacky way of thank you? Or do they just do nothing? I honestly would be tempted to do nothing because 1) he didn't even respect the check enough to make sure it was put up properly 2) wasn't appreciative enough to thank them himeslf.

I suggested sending a replacement in the form of a gift card (they wash better, lol....)

What would you do?

By Karen~admin on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 07:25 am:

No!. Do not resend the check. It's obvious the only reason they received an invitation in the first place was to solicit a gift.

Tell them to trash the washed checked, add $50.00 to their checking account balance, and forget all about it. Period.

By now he should have better manners, be more considerate, and more mature. For goodness sake, he graduated from COLLEGE - and his MOTHER is taking care of his *thank you* cards?! He had his chance, he blew it. Send nothing else.

By Texannie on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 09:53 am:

ditto Karen!

By Kaye on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 10:13 am:

Hmmm i might send another check. I guess I look at it this way. Why did they send a check? If it was because they wanted to give a gift, then I think they should finish giving it. You really don't know they whole story. I can see lots of options for him being a good kid and stuff happening. Maybe he presigned a bunch of card and then wrote some personal notes, but he felt odd when the check got washed and mom took care of it.

The other thing to consider is the mom is someone's sister. Do you really want to make family ugliness over 50 dollars? I just don't think it would be worth it and I would take the high road.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 11:12 am:

I agree with Kaye. This is a family situation, and causing bad family feelings over $50 isn't worth it. I would send another check, and include a note (a) requesting that he - the nephew - let you know he has received it and (b) perhaps expressing a little bit of hurt feelings that he - the nephew - didn't personally contact you about the destroyed check.

It's a shame that mom didn't make the boy sign his own thank-you cards. He's a college graduate, for pete's sake, and entering the world of work. He should have learned by now to take responsibility for himself, and mom isn't helping him one bit by not making him do it himself.

By Karen~admin on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 11:30 am:

I understand where Kaye and Ginny are coming from. Family is family.

However, I have BTDT with more than one relative, received announcements or invitations, sent a gift or check, and never even got a Thank You. So *my* choice would be to NOT resend anything. Plus, the fact that he's a college graduate and things happened the way they did, would *really* tick me off. And if it were MY son who washed his check, I certainly would NOT be writing his Thank You's and all but requesting a new check for him.

Sorry, don't mean to sound ugly about it.

By Eve on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 02:07 pm:

I would probably send another check. I would be thinking that it might help to pay that first student loan payment or something. With seeing my sister and my brother just graduate this year, I know how expensive it is. I wouldn't get caught up in the politics of it all. Either you want to do it or you don't. (Even if it's slighty tacky on their part for the thank you note.) My aunt had graduation cards printed up for my sister to tell family members she graduated, but she never sent them out for fear of insulting someone like this.

LOL, Karen. I would not be sitting down writing the notes either.

By Kate on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 02:33 pm:

Frankly I wouldn't have sent a check in the first place, just a nice card. If they haven't seen him since he was a child, they're obviously not close. So why send a gift?

By Hol on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 05:36 pm:

I agree with you, Kate, but since they already did send a check, if it got ruined, it should be replaced.

By Luvn29 on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 06:13 pm:

I wouldn't resend it. If he lost a fifty dollar bill that you sent him, would you send another one? Yes, I know with the check, you are not out an additional $50, but it's the same principle.

When my daughter was born, I was 17. I received a check from my uncle for $20. I placed it in a "safe" place and then forgot where that was. I stumbled across it a little over a year later. It was invalid at that point, and it was my own irresponsibility, so of course I didn't ask him for another check. I knew this at 17.

By the way, I still have issues when I place things in special spots for "safe keeping" and have learned not to ever hide anything!

By Imamommyx4 on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 11:03 pm:

I can't imagine asking somebody to resend my gift. If I got a crystal vase for a wedding gift and dropped and broke it the first time I used it, I would not think of asking the person to replace it due to my clumsiness. Same thing to me.

My dh says he would resend it though. I wouldn't.

Multiple opinions here.

By Crystal915 on Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 11:17 pm:

I'm torn, but I'm leaning towards NOT resending the check. Debbie and Adena have very good points. I think I would say resend it if he had contacted them to let them know what happened, but on top of being irresponsible with a gift, he was too rude to send his own thank you card? In his 20s, that is just not acceptable.

By Kaye on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 06:51 am:

I guess where I am coming from is: one person that he has very little contact with isn't really going to teach him a lesson the tough love way. It doesn't cost you more, so if it was a 50 dollar bill or a vase, it would cost you a second time to replace it. This is free.

I do think that kindness of replacing the check may be a moment in his life that he remembers. I just think if I sent a gift I did it with a open heart, and the other stuff may be weird, but they didn't change my initial reasons for sending it.

I guess the other thing is, why do you send gifts? Is it out of obligation? Is it out of love? Is it for the celebration? Is it for the thank you? Has his lack of appropriate thank you, change your initial reason of gifting.

Also if I read this right, it is his nephew that he sent a check to. But it is her that doesn't think a new one should be sent. Wonder if her hubby agrees. I will admit to having a lot more leniency with my side of the family.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 08:10 am:

Frankly I wouldn't have sent a check in the first place, just a nice card. If they haven't seen him since he was a child, they're obviously not close. So why send a gift?

Exactly, Kate. I was talking about this with DH last night and my exact words were *If you are so important to these relatives, and vice versa, then why would you not see them between young childhood and college graduation?* I DO understand that your geographical location is a huge player in this. But consider how much regular contact, in the way of cards, letters, phone calls, just the normal *family bonding and sharing* that takes place if you are CLOSE. I am not discounting the fact that they ARE FAMILY. But even family members are not above doing things *just for money or recognition*. I'm NOT saying this is true for this particular family, please don't misunderstand and think I am trashing someone's family.

BUT, it is very close to that line, IMO, with the facts available. I have family members that have pulled that on me. My cousin's DD, who I have seen TWICE since she was a child, sent me a college graduation announcement (I saw her at MY mom's funeral and HER grandfather's (My mom's brother) funeral) a few years ago. Out of *obligation*, and the fact that I wanted to try to bring the extended family closer, I sent a nice card and a check. I never received a thank you for the card & check, it certainly cleared the bank in record time though, and I have spoken to my cousin several times a year since then, and not once did she mention it, or take it upon HERSELF to thank me - not that I think it's HER place to do that anyway.

So I suppose this is one of those hot buttons with me. I cannot fault anyone for doing something out of what they feel is obligation, or simply because it's family. I have just stated my personal opinions. And I still feel that way. :-) :-)

By Reds9298 on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 08:51 am:

I would probably re-send the gift but be irritated by it and would not WANT to. But I would.

We have relatives that we haven't seen since childhood who graduated from h.s. and college this year. We sent them checks out of obligation. That's the only reason we got an announcement, no? They weren't expecting us to actually go to the event, so why send the announcement? To get the gift. We understand that, so we write our checks and move on. We don't know these people and really don't care too much, but it's a family obligation.

I would NEVER have asked someone that I barely know or never see to re-send a check. My grandma maybe, who I'm close to and who would have sent a large check. It was totally irresponsible, but things do happen. The fact that the thank you note wasn't written by the graduate is the most offensive thing to me though! That's ridiculous.

By Kate on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 09:04 am:

I'm confused...what is this 'obligation' you are all talking about? As far as I can see, a parent has an obligation to his or her children and possibly to his or her own parent. Beyond that I truly see no real 'obligation'. Certainly not an obligation to send gifts to nieces and nephews for ANY occasion. For some reason some may FEEL obligated, but I think gifts to extended family members like this is not a real obligation. Many WANT to give gifts to nieces and nephews (including me) but I just don't get the obligation talk. I definitely think those nieces and nephews you don't have a real relationship with and never see or communicate with don't fall into any obligation category. JMO.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 10:03 am:

Kate, you are right, it's not a REAL obligation. When I sent a check to this particular graduate, I felt obligated simply because they were family. That very situation is what has changed my feelings about this and that is why I am now so adamant about NOT feeling you are obligated simply because they are *family*.

At this stage in my life, I won't send gifts for birthdays, graduations, etc. unless *I* want to do it. I don't feel guilty about NOT sending anything *just because I got an announcement or invitation* because I am NOT obligated.

By Vicki on Sunday, June 1, 2008 - 07:58 pm:

I would resend it. If I felt a gift was in order for the occasion and I sent one, I would resend the check. Is it tacky that he didn't send his own thank you cards, you bet. But hey, in this day and age, at least one got sent! LOL If I had felt the desire to send the check in the first place, it is something I wanted him to have and would resend it. JMO

By Dramamamma on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 09:10 am:

I'm with Karen on this but I've gotten that way of thinking about most things here lately, lol.... I talked to her yesterday and she said her husband was going to resend it.

We all feel the reason they got the announcement to prompt a gift but they did send an original one in response to the announcement so he's going to resend it.

By Tunnia on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 11:45 am:

I would resend it even though I think it is tacky that the thank you was preprinted and the mother wrote a note and sent the check back asking for a replacement. While I do believe that the boy should have written his own thank you cards, by hand, with a personal note (I'm guessing by everything the mother has done that both she and he are ignorant in the etiquette department) I guess I would be at least grateful that I got an acknowledgement that I had sent the gift in the first place. These days thank you cards for a gift given are far too rare!!! I also agree that it's not worth the possible family problems it could cause.

By Happynerdmom on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 01:49 pm:

It was so tough when I sent out dd's graduation announcements knowing many people think of them as asking for a gift. There are a few people I didn't send one to for this very reason. There are some relatives that I don't see very often that would still love to see how she has grown up! She got a few cards wishing her well with no gift, and I was actually relieved that they didn't feel obligated.

By Tarable on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 03:05 pm:

You know.. I was just thinking about what Happynerdmom said and I remembered what my mom had me do when I graduated. I sent out pictures with all my invitations, so instead of sending out actual invitations to those family members that I barely knew or didn't see very often I made a form letter that just said what I was doing with my life and stuck a picture in with it so they could see how I turned out. Hoping that those people didn't feel like they were obligated to send presents because that was something my mom worried about. And I got all kinds of lovely cards and letters from those people telling me how wonderful it was to hear what i was up to.

By Dawnk777 on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 03:21 pm:

I think I would have just resent the check. We've managed to wash a cellphone, so washing a check isn't out of the question. Regardless of how the thank-you note appeared, accidents happen.

I do agree that he should have written his own, and my kids do their own. It would have been good practice for him.

By Mrsheidi on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 09:32 pm:

I would send a gift card and say just what you did..."it washes well"! Only I would get a card for an office supply store or a place where he would have to fork over some of his own cash to get "professional working" clothes for his career.
JMHO
I agree though, it was totally rude to send the check back. Usually people notice checks not being cashed so it's up to the person giving the check to eventually ask the other person, "Did you get the check?" and then the other person can explain. You don't say, "Hey we didn't care enough about your money in the first place, but we want it regardless."
My step brother was notorious for not opening ANY of his mail. He cashed a check 90 days after I wrote it. He also never said "thanks". So, to be honest, he's 23 and never will receive a gift again.