How Do I Tell a Neighbor Mom the Younger Child Isn't Welcome?
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How Do I Tell a Neighbor Mom the Younger Child Isn't Welcome?
My DD 7 has friend in the neighborhood a year younger than her. That friend has a younger sister three years younger than my DD. So we have DD 7, Friend 6, and Friend's Sister 4. They all have Fall birthdays so the age difference truly is about a full year and a full three years apart.
When they first moved in (we knew them prior to them moving in but hadn't played together) we asked Friend down and we walked down to fetch her. As we were leaving the dad said the Sister wanted to come, too. I was shocked...they didn't know me well, this kid had just turned four, and she HADN'T been invited. I was put on the spot and could only come up with 'um...will she be comfortable???' in a voice that clearly conveyed I thought he was nuts for suggesting it. He said oh sure! and off she came with us. I wasn't happy and I was so worried about the precedent I had just started. Friend paid way more attention to Sister than my DD. And Sister is a VERY young four...VERY YOUNG FOUR. She required constant supervision. I thought, though, that surely the mom would be appalled the dad had done this to me and hopefully this would be a one time thing.
Wrong. Next time I invited them the mom walked both girls down and said Sister wanted to play, too. I pulled the very lame 'will she be comfortable???' again (I'm just so clever, aren't I? sigh....) and she said yes and I finally had the presence of mind to say 'well then why don't you stay, too?'. After all, I did NOT call and volunteer to babysit her two children for the afternoon!! I called to invite DD's friend over, period. So she did stay, but she didn't move from the couch, even when I said, peering into the room where the girls were playing, 'oh dear, Sister is kicking DD!' She didn't move!!! She didn't get up and reprimand or investigate or anything, just said Sister was 'in a mood'. When they left DD said Sister had been punching her, too. My DD is way too nice and tolerant, by the way, far too passive and afraid to tell or rock the boat.
So how do I handle this? How do I break this pattern without hurting feelings or creating anger? This Sister is way too young for my DD and as I said, Friend pays more attention to Sister than DD so what is the POINT of a playdate anyway? And Sister is physical. One time we were coincidentally at a playground together and Sister started screaming and crying and her mom was not near her but I was. I went over to ask if she was okay or hurt or whatever, trying to comfort her, and she SCREAMED at me and KICKED at me!! I had to jump back! I pointed out to her that her mommy was coming and I walked away. Neither the mom nor the child apologized to me.
It's quite possible this woman wouldn't mind at all if a gaggle of kids came to her house along with the invited one, but *I* DO mind. How do I TELL her? And if you say to simply not play with either of them, what excuse do I give for THAT one? And my DD DOES want to play with the older one, so that's not the ideal solution anyway.
I think you just call and invite the older. When the little one is then invite you say, how bout this time we let the big girls get a chance to play. If mom balks then say, well then let's pick another day.
Another option is to say when dd is invited along, oh I'm sorry I have such and such I will be doing, I won't be able to keep an eye on the little one.
Really your issue is a little with the personality of the little one. But most with the fact that three kids don't play well together. So I think it is perfectly fine to say that. Just simply I noticed when all three play someone gets left out, I prefer to just have your oldest dd over at this time. That isn't rude, and if the mom doesn't like it, then they might not get to play anymore and that will ultimately be okay.
I agree that I would just explain that they all don't seem to be playing well together and you prefer to just have the older one. I also think I would explain this when I called to invite her so that the little one can be prepared for it. I wouldn't wait until she is on your door step to bring it up.
This is a pet peeve of mine. Dd had 2 friends that always seemed to bring a sibling with them when invited over. I invited a child for a play date, I didn't sign up to be your babysitter!!! And they rarely ever asked me if it was ok, just assumed it was. Drove me nuts!! I eventually just quit inviting them over.
If my child comes to your home and you make your child allow their younger sibling to play with them, that is your business. But to make someone else take them is just wrong in my book!
This has happened in our neighborhood, too. Some parents think their kids are a pair. They are not. You have to be frank with the other parents and explain that the older kids play together well but having the four year old makes you want to "babysit" her/him.....
Be honest and stand up for yourself
I think all of us face a similar situation at one time or another - I know we have!
If the mom is that clueless (as she apparently IS) I'd do as Kaye suggested, and if you absolutely are pushed, then just say *there is a 3 year age diff. between my DD and your youngest DD - the 2 older girls play well together, but I think younger DD would play better with kids her own age*.
Some parents just assume it's OK for all of their kids to be included in a playdate. I would never have just made that assumption. The only time I can think of when ALL of the kids were included was when Pam's oldest 2 and my youngest 2 were young, and we'd all get together at one of our homes, but then it was more of an entire family thing.
When mine were young, we DID encounter situations just like yours, and the ones that REALLY irritate me were the parents who brought along uninvited siblings to birthday parties without even asking first!
I think you have gotten excellent advice. You do need to put a stop to it. It's not fair to you, your dd, or the older sister!
Karen, I totally agree about the birthday thing! You plan for a certain number of children: games, food, treat bags... It really sucks to have younger siblings come along when the invitation was to an individual!
I also think you've received good advice.
I have never understood parents who think that when you invite one child, all their children are included in the invitation. Also, I think it's pushy and inconsiderate to say "sister wants to come too." especially in front of the children. It really puts you on the spot and makes you out to be the bad guy if you say no.
This happened to us as well. The younger child will often instigate some kind of physical encounter and someone would end up crying. Mom was good about coming right over and taking the child but she would also take the older one as well and then the playdate would be over. It irrated the heck out of my DS.
You have been given some great advice. I'd nip this in the bottom quickly.
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