How Do I Do This?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2008:
How Do I Do This?
My neighbor and friend is going through a messy divorce and separation. They have been together for 25 years and have an 18, 15 and 14 year old. There are abuse issues (verbal to the Mom). I'm having a hard time, I'm trying to be supportive and be a good friend but I'm a very direct person and tell it like it is, when she comes over and complains or plays the victim I call her on it, I know it hurts her feelings but it's hard for me to watch this situation continue and say nothing. Sure it's none of my business but she's the one telling me, I don't ask.
Her children are suffering from the conflict and tension in the house, the parents have both called CPS on each other. After she moved out of her bedroom to a room in the basement the then 13 year old daughter moved into her father's bed so mother rightfully so called CPS - I personally I would have called the police and moved the daughter out but that's me. This women has been dominated for 25 years and has depression issues. Hubby has just called CPS on mom because of a physical conflict between 18 year old son and mom which the daughter witnessed, so it's back and forth, neither really caring about what's best for the kids.
The mom complained to me 3 months ago about the husband not putting the kids into counseling and was (I'm sorry) whining about why should she do it, why doesn't he do. My response was "Because you are their mother and as a parent it's your responsibility". So hubby has decided kids should go to counseling got a counselor now mom just has to sign the papers and won't because she wasn't part of the decision process. I told her that she was putting her feelings about the process ahead of th needs of her children.
I have never been in this situation before, I'm struggling with trying to be a good friend, be supportive in a good way and keeping up certain boundaries.
I would love to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation and what they would have found helpful or people in my situation what they did. I have a bit of a tough love approach and I'm not sure this is the best thing.
In my opinion only, your friend is not looking for advice on what to do. She is going to do what she wants to do weather it is the right thing for her or the kids or not. It is obvious given her other choices that she isn't doing what is best for the kids. To be quite honest, I wouldn't get involved with this with a 10 foot pole! If you give advice and it turns put to not to work out for her, you are the one that is going to get blamed for it!! I would refer her to her attorney for advice and just listen and say your sorry she is going through such a rough time.
Ditto Vicki. I would just try and be there for her without telling her what to do. It could really backfire.
As much as you might want to give her advice, I have to agree, be supportive without telling her what to do. In these situations, if you say or do too much it could come back to bite you in the butt.
Now that I see it all written out, I do feel like I'm too involved, it's just unfortunate that those children do not have an advocate.
I'll slowly distance myself, this women has little support most people have backed away from her, I understand why as all she does is complain but really does not take any action to better her situation or that of her children.
It's just sad that I'll just be one more person whom she feels does not support her. I think she wants someone to do it for her, but only she can does this. Ugh what an awful situation.
I'd still love to hear from someone who has been in this type of situation.
I didn't say that you shouldn't be there for her and support her. I feel you can do that by being there for her and listening to her etc. I don't think you have to offer advice to be supportive!
That's kind of a tough situation though Vicki, I understand what you are trying to say but she asks me what she should do. She came over this past week with a tax return that her husband filed that was fraudulant (sp?) he's a CA and would not only lose his designation but could go to jail. He claimed that he paid her support for the past year, yet according to her he did not, obviously my advice was to consult a lawyer which she did. If she leaves the tax return alone she could be in big trouble herself and she is not getting great advice from her lawyer.
So I did what I could by telling her to see a lawyer and it's up to her what she does with the advice, but just listening to this stuff makes me involved - it's just really hard to sit and watch some drowning and say "Yup, I'm really sorry you're in this situation", but I spoke with DH and he agrees, no advice just listen. So that's what I'll do.
Like I said it's sad, her family doesn't really support her nor does her church, she's emotionally fragile and is struggling not to sink into depression. She was suicidal last year and keeps bringing that up. She belongs to a support group for women who are or were in abusive situations and they are advising her to be very careful going forward as things are starting to escalate. I've told her she needs a plan to leave, copy all financial documents and store them off site, pack a bag and leave it some where outside the home that kind of stuff. I do try not to give her advice as to how she should handle her husband. Sigh, thanks for the input, this stuff is weighing heavy on me and because it's so confidential I can't talk to my other friends about it. So I really do appreciate the input I get here. I know I'm not responsible for her or her situation but it's tough when you have someone crying on your doorstep everyday.
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