For those who have dealt with verbal abuse, how did you deal with it? When did you finally say enough? Did you leave or did your dh? What was your first step? I'm to the point where I know my kids would be better off not having to deal with their explosive father berating, belittling and calling them foul names, but I don't know what to do. I'm feeling kind of lost and very hurt, not only for me, but for my kids. I want to say enough.

By Luvn29 on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 11:45 am:

I'll be honest with you. I went through this when I was a teenager. He fathered my 11 year old dd and that is when I left him. He refused to work and help support my dd. I realized I did not want my children to grow up in a situation like that. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I took it longer than I should have, but I knew that wasn't the type of life I wanted my baby to have.

No, it isn't easy, and I imagine it is even harder in your situation. Living with that type of behavior will affect your children for life. And they may even grow up to repeat his behavior in their marriages.

The problem with these relationships is the fact that abusive people are also very good at being sweet, and apologetic, and loving when they want to be. It makes it very difficult to leave and get out of the situation. Not to mention the low self-esteem you end up with. Mine liked to tell me I was a wh*** and nobody else would ever have me since I had a kid. He knew I hated the idea of being alone and played on that fact. He was wrong. I married my husband ten years ago when my dd was not even two yet and we couldn't be happier. So there is a better life out there.

By Anonymous on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 12:03 pm:

His abuse towards me is very passive. He just has a way of making me feel like dirt, stupid or worthless without coming out and saying it. It's directed most towards our oldest child. Believe me, if the kids were little I'd take them and go to my mom's in a heartbeat. They're not, though. They're teens/preteens. We're not close enough to family to just leave. It would be a major move. What bothers me most is the language and name calling. We're not talking about "You little brat". It's horrible. I wouldn't mind being alone, and dh knows that. Financially, I can't do it, though. Even with child support (which I know he'd pay).

Thank you for sharing your story.

By Luvn29 on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 12:34 pm:

I just hate how we women are so bound financially to men. Especially when we have children. I hope that others on the board can give you some advice in that direction.

If you need someone who understands the verbal and mental abuse, please, feel free to e-mail me. ea laney at comcast dot net

Even if you get an anonymous hotmail or yahoo account so I don't know who you are. Sometimes it's good to have someone just to talk to. But please know for sure that I won't ever judge you. I know that's it isn't black and white.

By Anonymous on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 12:47 pm:

My father verbally abused my oldest two siblings before my mother FINALLY kicked him out. At that point the siblings were 18 and 16. My sister is now married to a man who loves her and does not abuse her, but he is incredibly selfish and usually thinks only of himself and she will not stand up to him or ever put her own needs/wants first.

My brother fared the worst. The lack of love and respect from his father damaged him beyond repair. He has ZERO social skills and ZERO self esteem. The love of his mother and the love of his wife did NOT undo ANY of the damage my father inflicted on him by his belittling insults and disappointments in him.

For the sake of your precious children I think you should get out, no matter what your financial circumstances are. You've posted about this before (or someone has, but I'm pretty sure you're the same person) and it's not gotten better. I don't know if my siblings resent my mother or not for allowing my father to live with them and abuse them so, but I know *I* would have!! I was six when he left so I was spared. Even if you need welfare or need to ask family members for financial help, it's better than allowing his poison to ruin your children. You have the power to stop this. Will you use it? Are your kids more important that the unknown financial future? Are your kids more important than your abusive husband?

I remember looking at photos of Christmas and Easter mornings and in several my brother is in tears. I asked why and my mother said it was because my father had just yelled at him and hurt his feelings so much. He pretty much ruined every holiday for him and the others. No child should have to go through that. A boy especially looks up to his father and needs his love and respect and when they don't get that it's devastating. Far better to not HAVE that father in their life than to have one who is abusive and belittling. It's truly damaging. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'll pray for you.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 12:50 pm:

Leave. Leave as soon as you can, and ask your family for help. If you don't leave, here's what will happen: either your children will grow up thinking it is OK for a man to verbally abuse women and children, and any sons you have may become abusers; or they will grow up thinking they deserved to be abused and - especially daughters - will be perfect targets for any abuser/bully who comes along. Or, if you have sons, it may reach a point where one of your sons lashes out at him and assaults him. Leave, as soon as you can.

I was a single parent of three sons, with minimal child support and a job with a non-profit agency that didn't pay a whole lot. It made a big difference in our life-style, and my sons grew up learning how to do without, buying clothes at thrift shops, and how to pinch pennies three times. But they also grew up knowing that their father was/is not a good role model, and they looked for and found other models. On the whole, they are happy I split, and I know I am. And I wasn't even trying to deal with any form of abuse.

By Vicki on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 02:07 pm:

I think I could take any abuse directed at me for far longer than I would put up with it directed at dd. I would find a way to get out if I thought he was abusing her in ANY way. Physical or verbal. I would ask him to leave and if that didn't work, I would find a way to leave.

By Luvn29 on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 03:48 pm:

See, Vicki, that was exactly how it was for me. I put up with all of it, but as soon as I had my daughter, I knew I wouldn't let her go through it. I sincerely believe that is why I got pregnant that early (besides the obvious reason of sex ;) ) I believe everything happens for a reason, and the reason for that was to give me a reason to get out of that relationship because it was only getting worse.

By Kaye on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 03:51 pm:

Statistically 9 out of 10 men who verbal abuse their children or spouse eventually end up being the crap out of one of them.

A good friend of mine has been married for 7 years. Her husband was verbal abusive to her and the kids. She found that her life was a constant trying to keep things together so he didn't have a reason to explode. Like if he coudln't find his keys before work that would set him off, so she would get his stuff together while he was shaving so they could avoid that situation. She felt like this was mostly working. She has 3 kids from a previous marriage, they have been through a divorce, this man loved her kids, treated them well 80% of the time. So she didn't see any "real" reason to leave.

Well one day, she said something to him about his daughter (from another marriage). The daughter had been suspended from school and my friend had been up to the school to deal with this. She told her husband, I don't know how you want to handle this, but this is what happened and what I did (she was cheating, she had to drive up to school to bring her home). He just lost it, how dare she believe the school, etc etc. Short story, he picked her up and threw her against the wall, twice. She now has brain damage that they don't know if she will ever be okay to drive. She is having random seizures (this happened in sept). He dragged her son around by the hair and fractured his back, he will no longer play football again. She was unconsious when her 14 year old dd had to call 911 and her 9 year old was standing over her body to defend her with a knife with the cops came. The moral of this story is, she waited for a better reason to leave and she got one. It has been a nightmare. This was the first time he ever laid a hand on any of them. After months of counseling, she realizes an abuser is an abuser.

By Anonymous on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:12 pm:

It's easy to say "leave". Well, HOW?!? I have nowhere locally to go! My mom's is a 2 1/2 day drive, plus gas and hotels, and she doesn't have room for us anyway. I have commitments and responsibilities here. My kids don't want to move. How do I ask/tell dh to leave--his name's on the mortgage! I can't afford this house on my own anyway. It's not as easy as you all make it sound. If I sound mad or upset, I guess I am! It's easy for you to tell me what to do--you're not me. It's easy to spout off statistic, that quite honestly don't do anything for me but scare me. You don't think I know it could turn physical at any time? I do know that! I know if he ever laid a hand on my kids I'd be the one getting hurt because I'd be in there stopping him. I know all this. I just don't know how to do something about it.

I don't mean to offend anyone and I do appreciate the support. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. The good thing is dh is gone on a business trip this week and won't be home until Thursday night. We're getting a much needed break.

By Kate on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:16 pm:

Can you go to a church pastor? A battered women's shelter? Call social services and ask for help? If he's gone this week, this is the perfect time to get out I would think. Can someone front you the money to rent an apartment until you can figure out what to do? Do you have any of your own savings? I understand your kids not wanting to move, but you can't help that. It's in their best interest but don't expect them to understand it. I'm so sorry.

By Vicki on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:31 pm:

The kids not wanting to move is the last of your worries. It is NEVER going to be easy to leave. If you wait for that, you'll never get out. I have no idea what the first step is. Maybe talking to dh and telling him that your done and one of you needs to leave. You say you can't afford the house on your own, but you also need to figure in child support and any spousal support you might get. Maybe your first step is to talk to an attorney and ask them what you should do. I don't know what the "first step" is, but if there is abuse going on, you need to forget about the commitments and responsibilities and do what needs to be done to keep you and your kids safe.

By Happynerdmom on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:31 pm:

I would talk to your dh and let him know you are at the end of your rope with it, and that if he doesn't get help NOW you will take the kids and move out. I understand how difficult it would be to "just move." You haven't said whether this has even been a topic of conversation, so I would give him the chance to see how serious you are and to get help first. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. There are no easy answers.

By Luvn29 on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:35 pm:

If you told your family your situation, would they be willing to help? Help financially, or by finding you a place to stay? What about any siblings? I know my sister would help me out in anyway in a heart beat, and I would do the same for her. Do you work? Or are you a sahm? Just wondering because of financial reasons... Also, is your name also on the deed? or is it only in your husband's name?

Like I said in my earlier post, I understand that this isn't a black and white thing. It's not as easy as just walking out the door. You have to have a place to go and money to feed you and the kids.

By Pamt on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:46 pm:

Well, I know who you are and I totally understand what you are saying. I know that this has been a subject of discussion between you two before. I think he has (or would) reject counseling, right? I'd perhaps bring up counseling again along with an ultimatum that he HAS to stop this abuse. It is causing permanent damage to your child as you know. If he won't accept the ultimatum (and you may want to have your pastor or someone there when you extend it), then I do think you should be prepared to leave. Your children can not be subjected to this treatment. I understand that you feel wedged between a rock and a hard place, but I also know that you are a person of faith (I sure hope I've got the right person ). Faith is going out just past where you can see and taking another step.

Feel free to email me (I think you have my address, but if not pamela dot terrell at gmail.com) and LITERALLY if you need a place to stay we can provide one. It will be a little cramped and not luxury accommodations, but it is a safe place to be.

P.S., The book, Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen lays out clearly how it is not so simple as just walking out the door and leaving. You also have a life there as do your kids. I get it.

By Debbie on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 05:56 pm:

I have a very dear friend that was verbally abused by her father growing up, so this is a very sore subject for me. I have seen the life long effects she deals with constantly. I guess I am telling you this because what I am about to say may sound mean. It is your responsibility as a mother to protect your children. If your dh was physically abusing them, you would leave, right? So, why is this any different? Abuse is abuse. The scars are just on the inside with verbal abuse. I guess I don't understand why you are mad for people telling you to leave, you asked. And, you should be scared about the statistics.

Your husband is away for a week, now is the time to take action. As far as the first step, contact a woman's shelter. They should be able to give you help. I would also recommend talking to a lawyer. I am sure the shelter can give you the name of one. Do what you can to find out information to help you. If you havn't told your family, I would suggest you do. Hopefully, they will be willing to help you. And, as far as the kids not wanting to move, that is not their decision. You have to do what is best for them. They may not like it in the beginning, but I am sure they will thank you in the end.

I really am truly sorry you are going through this. I am sure it is very scary. I can't even image it. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

By Debbie on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 06:29 pm:

{{{hugs}}} I just went back and read over my post, and it does sound mean, that is not my intention. And, you definitely don't need it. I also think I know who you are. It just poped into my head. If you are, who I think you are, you are a wonderful, loving mother.

I still do believe you need to start taking some action. I am not saying walk out the door tomorrow. But, you do need a plan, you need to take control. I do think calling a shelter would be a good first step. And, how to tell dh, I think you sit down after you have found out what you need to do to leave, in case it comes to that, and tell him you have had enough, either he seeks help or one of you is leaving. If he doens't want help, or doesn't follow through, then you follow through.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

By Anonymous on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 06:47 pm:

Yes, several of you, especially those that have been around for a while will know who I am. To answer a few questions, I do have a job, but if I leave I won't. No, dh has never been willing to go to counseling and I doubt he will now. The last time I went to my pastor he threatened to turn dh in. That wouldn't do anyone any good. I do have some money that I have access to. My family will not be able to help me financially because they're all worse off than I am. I do have a few friends that in an emergency we could go to their houses temporarily. This has already, I believe, caused behavioral problems in one of our children. That's another thing I have to consider--medication and finding a new doctor if we leave the local area. I guess if you didn't know who I am, you probably do now.

When dh gets back I will tell him he either needs help or he has to leave. If he refuses, I'll find somewhere to go. We're both miserable (he even said yesterday this house is stressful for everyone in it).

Pam, you know I've always felt God was telling me to stay where I am. Now I'm not sure what I'm hearing. I can't keep this up anymore, though. Thank you for the generous offer of somewhere to stay. I do have your email in my address book.

Thank you again to everyone for your input, even if I didn't like it. I know you all mean well and want what's best for me and my kids.

By Debbie on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 07:33 pm:

{{{{HUGS}}}} I do know who you are. Please, see if you can find a woman's shelter that can help give you some information on what to do. How do you think your dh would be, if you move out but stay in the area? That way, your kids can stay, you can keep working, you have your doctors, and friends. Maybe, you can find a place to rent nearby, an apartment or small house??

I just think you need a plan. And, maybe, God willing, if you do actually leave, dh will realize how wonderful he had it, and get help!!

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

By Reds9298 on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 08:36 pm:

Please find a women's shelter. I use to work in one and they will really help you get on your feet and give you a safe place to stay. I understand that getting out is easier said than done, but it still should be done. It will be hard, so hard. Thankfully the school year is almost out, so relocating temporarily might not be hard in that aspect of it. Really big {{HUGS}}.

By Colette on Monday, May 5, 2008 - 08:44 pm:

((hugs)) the best thing you can do for your kids, especially if they are teens, is to get the h 3 11 out of there. In the end, the example you set, is going to be the example they follow. If you have sons, you don't want them to follow your dh's example, if you have daughter's you don't want them to end up marrying someone like your dh. Please contact a shelter, do it when the kids are in school and ask them how they can help you.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 6, 2008 - 08:29 am:

Here's what else can happen if you don't leave, I can say this for sure because I was a product of an abusive step father with a mother who refused to leave. I ended up HATING my MOTHER! She forced me to live with a man who abused me for 18 years, I felt abandoned and neglected by my own mother, she did not protect me, she put her interests ahead of mine. As a teenager I tried to get myself placed in foster care because I had a complete mental breakdown, I could barely dress myself and because my mother would not back me up I had to stay and live with her and her monster.

As a mother now I am astounded at how incredibly self centered and weak she was, I'm sorry you are in this situation and you must feel trapped and helpless, just imagine compounding those feelings that's how your kids may feel. You are not helpless if you truly want a better life for your children YOU CAN DO THIS.

By Conni on Tuesday, May 6, 2008 - 03:08 pm:

Hey, I had not read this last night when I emailed you back. I am at work now and can't remember your email. I will talk with you tonight!! I know exactly where you are coming from. It is not easy, but I have some suggestions.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 6, 2008 - 05:46 pm:

I think I've written this before. You are a very good mother to be thinking about leaving this situation. Your kids will be better off. I, like anonymous #2, am the product of a mother and an abusive stepfather. What started happening? My mother never backed me up. As soon as I was old enough to know that what my stepfather was doing wasn't right and that I could ask for help, he turned from being physically abusive to being verbally and mentally abusive. You would not believe the thoughts that ran through my head as a teenager trying to get out of this situation. Everything from suicide to homicide. It was terrible. I could go on and on.

I hate my mother's weakness, her lack of responsibility towards her children, her blindness to the severity of the situation. She was the only one who could have been my hero, saved me and my siblings from that horrible monster.

She is still with him, and I don't visit their home very often. I would never trust either one of them with my children.

I don't know what to tell you about leaving in terms of how to do it. I would say that if your name is also on the deed of the house, try to make it so you don't have to leave, make it so that he does. If that won't work, then by all means, a shelter is the way to go. As far as money, get government assistance. And don't be ashamed to apply for it. That money is there to assist those who need it.

I hope some of what I've written helps you.

Lots of hugs for you and your family.

By Dramamamma on Tuesday, May 6, 2008 - 08:27 pm:

I don't know who you are but wanted to offer you big hugs. It's never easy making life changes.

By Tink on Tuesday, May 6, 2008 - 11:08 pm:

You don't have an easy decision ahead of you, Anon (and I know who you are). Many hugs because no matter what you need them and deserve them. I'll be praying for you and your family, no matter what you decide.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - 12:05 am:

More hugs........ I had so hoped DH had gotten his crap together. I would contact an attorney and go in for the free consult, so many offer, and find out where you stand. You may be able to have him ordered out of the house pending the divorce. You also may be able to get enough funds from him through division of your marital assets, in some states the house irregardless of whose name it is in is a marital asset by the way, to get a fresh start.. The laws in each state are different, so it is hard to make suggestions as to what to do.. Before I confronted him with the fact that you are done, I would try to have as many of my ducks in a row as I could. I would have an emergency exit plan mapped out and I would hesitate to use it. Find out where the shelter is, just in case.. Do you think he will become physical? Or do you think he will be ashamed and try to make this ugly? or do you think he is done too?? I wish we were closer, the three of you could just stay here.

More hugs for all of you. we are here...

By the way, for the two anon's above me, I know where you are coming from. DH and I both grew up in very dysfunctional/neglectful/abusive homes. We both have managed to break that cycle with our children. Big hugs to the two of you too..

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - 07:53 am:

My name is on the house, too so that's not a problem. My dad came from an abusive/dysfunctional home. Honestly, my grandparents NEVER should have had kids. But my dad got it together and broke that cycle. He had his faults and things he should have done differently, but it could have been so much worse. There are a couple of lawyers that I could contact if I need to (one a friend used, and a Christian one that's well known), but I'd really like to try and work this out first. I know he won't get physical. That's not like him. I think he may be done, too. If it does come to divorce, I think everyone will breath a sigh of relief. I really don't want it to come to that, though. That's not the way I was raised. Marriages aren't supposed to be disposable, ya know? I am trying to get my ducks in a row. I'd like to open a savings account in my name only, but if I use the bank we currently use, dh will know about it (online banking puts all our accounts on there and he'd see it). There are lots of other banks around, though. Maybe I'll try and make it to one this week. I wish dh were easier to talk to. He gets angry and defensive so easily, we never get very far because he shuts me out and ends up just saying, "Yep, you're right. It's all my fault." I really don't want to talk to him before Saturday night. Our youngest has something extremely special/important going on then and I don't want dh to ruin it for him by being ugly or refusing to go.

Thank you again to everyone for all the support, prayers and suggestions. I'll keep you updated.

By Debbie on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - 08:09 am:

{{{{hugs}}} I know you don't want your marriage to end in divorce. And, I can totally relate, because I was raised the same way. BUT, you can't continue to live this way either, or have your kids live this way. Knowing what a great mother you are, I know you will really reget it in the long run.

My SIL was in a similar relationship with her dh. She found a counselor that specialized in these situations where a spouse was ready to leave an abusive relationship. It helped her so much. If you can find someone objective to talk to, that may help you put everything in perspectice. You know, you have been living with this so long, I'm sure it is hard to imagine life in a peaceful home.

{{{{hugs}}}} We are always here for you. Hang in there, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

By Tayjar on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - 09:58 am:

I use State Farm's online bank. You don't have to leave the house to make an account and there are no charges for ATM withdrawals. You can use any ATM for free. That's a short term solution for the banking issue.

Hugs. If you end up in Central Illinois, I would be more than happy to assist you. Stay strong and remember you can always come here.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 06:58 pm:

You might not want to open an account in the same bank anyway. My sister did this, when her marriage was ending (she had started putting money up a couple of months earlier, it was quite clear her DH was done in the marriage), because her social security number was on the joint and the private, it linked the accounts at bank.. When she left her DH went in and cleared out their joint account, all but 10 dollars, a check came into the account, not enough funds and they took the money plus the overdraft charges out of her private account. She ended up with 15 dollars in the account. We had to scramble to get money put into her account to cover the deposit she had just made on an apartment.

I for one can't judge your decision to keep trying. For years I was judged for not leaving DH. Many thought they had an opinion as to what I should do and that staying was not acceptable. I actually had people tell me that I was a bad mother for not taking my children and leaving. Wasn't I afraid for the safety of my children, he could snap and hurt someone after all.. He was "crazy", what kind of mother was I??? and these were the comments coming from my "friends".

Needless to say.. Callie took a psychology class last year, the term Schizo-affective disorder came up. She recognized the term as something I had used in regard to Rob. She read the information, listen to the class lecture, and came home with a bunch of questions. Rob, the older two, and I sat down and had a long talk.. We assumed they knew he was sick and they had no idea.... To them he was just dad. They didn't even know he had been hospitalized. Once we started talking about things that had happened while he was there they remembered the things and they remembered him not being there but they trusted me enough to not question why he wasn't there..

By the way, all the people that had opinions about my "bad" marriage are now divorced. Not kidding. We were in a social group, couples in our age range, with marriages about as long as ours at the time, with children around the same ages. The ones that supported me sticking it out are still married, the ones that judged me for not leaving are divorced.

If I didn't know you, I would suggest you start reading everything you can about verbal abusive people and what causes it. I know understanding Schizo, greatly impacted the way I dealt with DH and the way I helped him help himself without him even knowing I was doing it. I changed me, for the better, which brought about change in him. His Dr said he would never work again, he has been working for the past two months..... I would say that because of everything we have been through we have one of the strongest marriages among the people we know.. But it took changes in both of us, I led and he followed.. I know your DH is bullheaded (to say the least) but there are very few people out there that are a total wash.. And IF you love(d) him he can't be all bad....

(((hugs))) Your DH is in my prayers.. I hope that whatever happens it is for the best for everyone.. But I still say be prepared.. Prayers that you are given the right words, when you address him, to get him to finally listen.. more (((hugs)))

By Anonymous on Thursday, May 8, 2008 - 09:43 pm:

"But it took changes in both of us, I led and he followed.."

I was about to give you advice to leave until I read Bobbie's post. I think the main thing here is for you to make some kind of change, regardless of whether you decide to leave or to stay, but to make some kind of change; for you & your kids.

My sister is a wonderful person but her DH is a real pill. He can be verbally abusive but even when he is not, they have to walk on eggshells around him because they never know what is going to set him off. What I find really scary is that my niece had a boyfriend who could be really sweet one minute and then really nasty the next, and I thought to myself, "and the cycle continues....." Thankfully he moved away, but they are still in touch enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Even though my sister decides to stay with her husband, I wish that she had shown my niece a better example somehow, of how to deal with it instead of just being passive.

I have heard of two books that I have been told are really good though I have never read them. I skimmed over one and what I did read I found to be sound advice. "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic People" These books supposedly give you an insight about how to deal with certain personalities and also include examples of true stories.

((((HUGS)))) and good luck with whatever you decide.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 12:51 am:

I honestly feel change starts with you.... I have the proof in my very own life.

I also wanted to add, that I do not think this Original Poster is some beat down, repressed, battered wife. I don't think she is staying for the money, as many of our mothers did. Or because she can't make it on her own, also like so many of our mothers did. I do not think she is feeding her children to a wolf for her own security...

I think that there is a part of her DH that is a good man, I just can't see the OP marring some jerk. I think they are both lost and I think that where there is a will there is a way.. I also think that working on self can do nothing but improve your life and the lives of the people you impact.

You want to read a book... get Desperate Marriages
Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship by Gary Chapman

Excerpt: Countless couples today face major marital struggles. Dr. Gary Chapman communicates genuine hope for every marriage–even for those with deeply rooted wounds. Chapman provides positive steps for dealing with spouses who are:

* Workaholics
* Controlling
* Uncommunicative
* Physically, verbally, or sexually abusive
* Unfaithful
* Alcoholic or drug-abusing
* Depressed
* Irresponsible


You could also read, the Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate also by Gary Chapman.

Expert: The marriage-saving phenomenon that started it all! Dr. Gary Chapman uses real-life examples from over thirty years of marriage counseling to illustrate the five distinct languages people use to express love. You’ll understand why you feel the way you do, and you’ll acquire indispensable methods for helping your spouse feel loved. The Five Love Languages can breathe life into your marriage.


For those that do not know, Dr. Gary Chapman is a Pastor and a marriage counselor with 30 years of experience. I just finished the Five Love Languages of God.. Full of information..

He also wrote a book called the Five Love Languages of Children, supposed to give you in site on how to deal with each individual child and speak to them in the way their heart needs you to..

By Anonymous on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 08:58 am:

Bobbie's right. I'm not beaten down or repressed. I am very independent and if I have to I can be single again. I want to try everything to save my marriage, though. And no, I didn't marry a jerk. Yes, he can be a jerk at times, but ya know what? I can be pretty *itchy at times, too! I'm not perfect. Only one person in history has ever been perfect, and I certainly don't want His job! lol We both have our faults and things we need to work on in this marriage. Communication is a huge one that we're both lacking in.

Bobbie, I'll check Desperate Marriages out. I have all the Love Language books. I also have Power of a Praying Wife. They're all good. I guess I'll have to pull them out again.

It's not like this all the time. Most of the time things are pretty good here. But this 10-15% of the time that dh gets like this has to change. Dh got home yesterday afternoon. He's been great so far. That doesn't mean I'm going to let this drop. I won't. I'm just gathering my thoughts and trying to plan my words carefully.

By Debbie on Friday, May 9, 2008 - 09:47 am:

Gary Chapman is great. I have heard him speak(I can't remember where)

I'm not saying you have to get out now. I understand wanting to make your marriage work. HOWEVER, I do think it is time to put your foot down about the unwanted behavior, and do everything you can to help change it. You just don't want your ds thinking this is acceptable behavior from anyone.

I know you are strong and independent!!! I would just get everything together, so if it does come down to the fact that you need to leave, you are ready for it.

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}} I hope everything turns out the way you want!!