I'm so torn
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2008:
I'm so torn
And the drama continues....
As many of you know, DH had wanted to move for many years. This past summer we took the plunge and moved closer to family. He has been to his parents 3x since we moved (he arrived in October). I have been to my brother's once. DH's family is about 3.5 hours away. Previously, we lived across the country.
So, I have a good job and it looks as though I will have that job again next year. DH on the other hand, does not enjoy his job and it pays awful. Financially, we are doing alright b/c we were able to pay off all of our debt. (our home doubled in value in 4 years!). Eventually though, the car will have to be replaced so then there would be car payments.
So, we are at a crossroads...should we stay here and hope that he finds something else. Jobs are really hard to come by. Or, should we move back. He did apply on a few jobs and has interviews this week.
Housing has skyrocketed there though. We sold our home for double what we paid for it but to go back we would be paying between $300000-$400000 for an average home up to 10 years old. Older homes of 40+ years and 1000 square feet will cost you close to $250000.
So, we are torn about what to do...should we stay or should we go?
Of course none of us can make this decision for you, but I can't help but think that this coming and going is not good for the kids and their stability. Also, you guys knew it was going to be hard for your DH to find a job when you moved. You haven't even been there a full year yet, so I'm inclined to think that you haven't given it enough time.
I say stay. Do you like the area, the neighborhoods, the schools, the neighbors? I'd give it more time if I were you.
Then again, I absolutely hate moving. We've been married 10 years and we are already on our 3rd house....all within about 10 miles of one another. This is only because of dh, he's antsy. I put my foot down when we moved into this house. No more moving till the kids are at least in high school!
Of course none of us can make this decision for you, but I can't help but think that this coming and going is not good for the kids and their stability. Also, you guys knew it was going to be hard for your DH to find a job when you moved. You haven't even been there a full year yet, so I'm inclined to think that you haven't given it enough time.
My thoughts exactly.
Ditto Pamt!  Things take time to settle in and get the way you want them to be. Regardless of how many trips you've taken to see family, you *can* if you want to, you know? Across the country means plane tickets and more money and more time and in general just hard to do, just for a visit. Keep those things in mind also.
Ditto on PamT. You didn't ask, but to me your dh sounds a bit selfish and maybe a bit irresponsible - certainly not thinking of the whole family's wellbeing. You all picked up stakes and moved because he wanted you, and I think he should put at least a couple of years and a very good faith effort into making it work. Given the economic climate today, this is not a good time to try to sell a house. And given the employment climate today, anyone who has a job should be thinking really, really hard before giving it up.
I tend to agree. Now that you are there, maybe you should give it a little time. And I certainly don't think now is the time to move. We've been planning our move to SC for a couple of years now and we were supposed to be moving at the end of this month but now are putting it off for a year due to the economy. I'm actually going to go to school for a year while we wait and will be able to get a much better job when we do move.
I remember reading once, that it takes about 2 years to get totally adjusted to a new place. I think it really took that long, when I moved to central WI, to learn where everything was, and what was a cool restaurant to eat at, and what events happen in the summer, that sort of thing. I vote for more time.
It took us a few years to get settled in here.
Moving will only cause more stress and unknown circumstances. I think that you need to concentrate on making things work where you are.
From someone who spent 30 years moving every 2 1/2 years.....Stay where you are and build a life there.
Thank you all for your comments. For several months I have been absolutely miserable which I think is the reason why DH has begun to apply for jobs out west. He has a forestry background and there just aren't any jobs in his field here. Too bad his background wasn't marine biology. He recently wrote some kind of test (not forestry related at all) in which he had to answer 50 word problems in 11 minutes. He only scored 22 and needed 27 to go to the next round. This was a preliminary test to screen people out for any upcoming forestry positions. He wasn't in a good frame of mind at the time (you all know his struggles with depression) so now he is ineligible for any future positions for awhile. Mind you, there is only one office in our area and this was a province wide thing so it could have meant a move anyway.
I'm so worried about our daughter who does not seem to be adjusting well to the move. We thought this would be a good time to move (she's in grade 6 this year) before she entered high school because of credit transfers and whatnot. Turns out we were wrong. This is a difficult age and then we added a move. She is having a very difficult time making friends. My brother's DD is the only relative her age and with all that is going on with them right now, I don't know how much we will see her this summer. I can't imagine my brother bringing her to visit and I don't think my brother would approve of my soon to be ex-SIL bringing her.
We have moved around so much that I don't feel like I have a place to call home. DH and I have been together 15 years and have lived in 12 different homes. Mind you, some have been within the same community. We have lived in 4 different communities and 3 different provinces. DD has gone to 3 different schools and she is only in grade 6.
I know how hard this is on the kids, and on me. I worry that the more time DH spends in his current job (which involves a lot of time alone) the worse his depression will get.
The community here is nice. The people are friendly but we don't really have any friends yet. We have lots of acquainces but no friends. I'm worried about a summer alone for my daughter and for me. DS has made some friendships and seems to have someone to play with each day. I don't like renting but don't feel secure enough here to purchase a home.
I tend to be leaning toward staying here. If we could go back to the same community we left I would go in a heartbeat but right now that is not an option.
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them all. Also, thanks for listening to my rambling...I know my thoughts are all over the place right now.
Another bote for stay. We are movers. We moved into this home 5 years ago when my dd was 9. She had attended 5 different schools by that point. The move was hard. But now, this is home, but it took a about 2 years to really feel that way.
However we have also lived somewhere, moved away and then gone back 2 years later. It isn't the same. You really can't go back. Yes if you had a friend or two you were really close with and you kept in good touch with them, then that friendship survives. But my dd had friends, we moved back and kids they move on.
My suggestion is start seeking social situations for your family. Church has always been that for us. It takes time to build lasting relationships.
My vote is to not only stay, but get to the root of all this unhappiness. No matter where you are, it seems the unhappiness follows. The more you move, the worse it will get.
Pray about it, seek outside help, and just *be*. It also might do some good to go out on a date and ask him questions about his career, about yours, and maybe it's time for a change in that regard. I never knew the dreams of my husband until I asked when we were alone (plus a little wine) and we became transparent to each other. It's a wonderful thing...I will pray for you guys and just know that you don't want to look back and resent all the times you worried. It's wasted time not being content and always wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere. Fertilize your grass and plant yourselves...you guys deserve it!!
Ditto heidi.
It doesn't seem like you are happy. If I remember correctly, you were not happy where you were before.
Sometimes you need to look at the big picture.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
PS---How about finding some social summer activities so your daughter can meet more people.
Yvonne, I tried to get DD to join a summer soccer league but she's not really a sports kid and she didn't want to do that.
Heidi, DH likes to be outside working. He enjoyed his old career but missed 'home' which is why we moved. Here, at least for now, he can't find anything. As for my career, I love working with the kids. I wish teaching didn't take up so much other time. I feel that my own children sometimes suffer because I am always doing school work. I enjoyed when I worked part-time because I had time through the day to get my school work done and the evenings I spent with my family. Unfortunately, we are not in a position financially for me to do that again.
We just came home from a family hike and then went to a friend's place (yes, we were actually invited somewhere ) for supper. It felt good to get out.
I like the idea of a date. I've been trying to get DH to plan one for ages and he doesn't. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and plan it myself!
There are many other things for children in the summer besides sports. Look for day camps or even overnight camps if your kids would go. We have a couple of camps for kids who like drama. They put on a play at the end of the summer. We also have a summer church camp where they do all kinds of activities such as swimming, hiking, boating, etc. They offer both day and night camps. Check around and I bet you'll find a lot of things out there. Check with the library. A lot of times they offer special summer activities. Also, Bible School is something all of the kids around here enjoy. Different churches stagger their weeks so that children can go to several different ones. They don't have to be members of the church to attend.
And even if you don't want to obligate yourself to church, maybe you can find one that has an excellent children's program. I don't go on Wednesdays, but we do drop the kids off there and they love it. And you can be confident they are in a secure and well supervised environment.
Just doing some more thinking. I think alot of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I never feel settled. When we were out west I always felt like we couldn't settle b/c of DH's desire to be here. Now that we are here and employment is troubling, I feel unsettled here.
DD had many friendship problems there as well. I have an appointment booked for her with a counsellor on the 21st. I'm hoping she will be able to provide us with some strategies to help DD. This pre-teen stuff is new to me and I'm at a loss on how to help.
Ditto Heidi and well said. I was just wondering why have you all moved so much over your 15 years together? That's a lot! I hope you can all find happiness in your lives. Ditto Adena on the library for summer activities - there a ton in the summer through our library and a huge program for teens here.
I really hope everything works out for all of you and you can all find some peace in one place. We are big 'settlers' and tend to stay in one place for a long time, so unless it's warranted by a job change that is bigger and better for everyone, it's hard for me to comprehend moving that much. I'm not saying that at all to be disrespectful or mean to you, I just have a different perspective on it because of my experiences. You will really be in my thoughts.
Deanna...a bit of history on all the moves.
1-DH (boyfriend at the time) joined me in BC where I was living with 2 other people.
2-We were given a teacherage on the reserve of our own so we left the rental that we shared with 2 others.
3-living on the reserve can be difficult so when DH got a job with forestry we moved to one of their rentals.
4-it was an older home and we asked if we could paint our soon to be child room. They suggested we move instead
5-We moved to this home. This was a leased home and the owners decided to break their lease agreement so we had to move again.
6-moved to our final home in this community.
So, the first 6 homes were in the same community. This community was located 6 hours to the nearest community and we wanted to move to provide our children with more opportunities.
7-moved to a rental while waiting for our home to be built.
8-our first home together (that we owned)
9-a new government was elected, closed the forestry office where DH worked and we had to move. DH left for Alberta. The kids and I stayed in a teacherage until the end of the school year.
3 homes in this community
10-bought a home in Alberta. DH desperately wanted to move home so we left this house.
Only one house in this community
11-DD and I moved to a short term rental since we arrived mid-August and our rental wasn't available until Sept 1.
12-moved in to a rental. In December when our heating bill was $700 for one month we decided to seek out a more affordable rental.
13-our present rental.
So, that's the story of all the moves. We left community #1 to seek more opportunities for our children. We were forced to leave Community #2 because of employment. We left Community #3 because my DH desperately wanted to move home. Here we are in Community #4.
Wow, that's a lot of moves in 15 years! I've lived in the same place, for the last 15 years and almost 12 of those, in the same house! This is the longest I've stayed put in my life though! For the first 33 years of my life, I did a major move, everytime I had a 3 at the end of my age! (3, 13, 23, and 33!)
Just so you don't feel alone.
We married, I moved into
(1) dh's duplex we found a better deal on rent 9 months later, so we moved into
(2) rent house, 3 bedroom. Got pg, decided we needed to buy so we did,
(3) our first home.
3 homes in the first community
DH got an amazing opportunity, but I didn't want to be stuck at home, so we relocated to cincinnati
(4) apartment for short term.
project over, we moved back to the town we were at, but into the house we owned. Within 6 months that project paid off and he received a promotion,
(5) moved into the city (houston). Almost 2 years passes, another promotion, we moved again.
(6) buy a home in cinci. We hit our record for living in a home there at 4 years.
(7) time is up, we move back to Houston. Now for 5 years.
Not quite as much as yours, but dh has worked for the same company for 18 years now, with all these moves. I am only 36 and we have purchased 4 homes. It is tough to resettle, but you really just have to make a choice to do so. And I will add 2 years, that is what it really takes to plant strongly.
We have moved a lot too!! It does take at least a few years to really settle in. I don't think you have given it enough time. I think you really need to get yourself and dks involved in some activities that you like, so you can met people with similar likes and interests. This summer would be a great time to do that.
I totally agree with whoever said, why all this unhappiness? I know it is hard to not live by family. Since our first move, we have not lived closer then 4 hours from our family. Do I miss them, yes, but I am still very happy where we are. We have made some really good friends in our current location. We are pretty confident that we have a good chance of staying here. I love the fact that when we went out of town this last weekend, we had two awesome families that I felt comfortable leaving our dks with. Now, if you told me we could move to where our family is, I would have to think long and hard about it.
So you don't feel so alone:
1)Dh and I got married and moved into our first house.(lived by family in Austin, Tx)
2) 2 yrs later, we moved to California because dh got a promotion
3) 18 months later moved back to Arlington, Tx
4) 3 yrs later dh got another promotion moved to Chicago, Il.
5) after 2-1/2 yrs. moved to St. Louis, Mo
6) after only 2 months moved to Edmond, Ok
Dh was just asked at work if he was mobile, and he said no, unless it was the perfect job, and in Texas. Only then, would he think about it. Now, something could happen, and we could possibly not have a choice about moving. But, those chances are very slim. Being a Texas girl, I never thought I would call Oklahoma home. But, we love our house, and the town we live in.
I hope I don't sound harsh in my statements. But I think you should weight the pros and the cons here. Correct me if I am worng but isnt' the reason Dh wnated to moved from where you where was beaue he was unhappy/wanted to be closer to his family? If I'm correct what those wants have changed now? I think you shoudl stay put, becaue you have not been there long enough to break in a new pair of shoes(figure of speach) All things especially those new tak time.
I think I heard you say that you all where able to take the money form the sale of your previous home and now your are debt free? Do you hear that debt free. I may be over reactign but how many peopel woudl like to be where you are right now not having to worry aobtu debt? I would for one. But yet if you go back there is no gaurentee ( you said yourself) that you all weill be able to get the jobs that you left. No gaurentee that DD or you will have your same friends, what if your nto close enough for them to visit often, you will be where you are now, able to pick up the telephone and call them. I like heidi"s idea of you and your husband going out on a date , connecting and listening to one another and see if you can get to the root of the problem. As far as youa dn your daughter havign to spend the summer alone,uhm excuse me you have each other. There are a lot of activities that you too an do together that doens' have to involve sprots. What ever you all decide to do , I hope that it truly works for you and you will be able to find soem sort of happiness.
We have decided to stay. I just found out that my contract is being extended. Same grade, small school two years in a row! It's been 10 years since that has happened! We are going to make some roots here. We have even started to look at homes so we feel more settled.
That's wonderful news! And I just bet you guys are going to be so happy once you settle!
Paula, that is great news. Now you can really *settle in* and go about making this your HOME, be a part of the community, add stability to your life. Good luck!!!!! I hope things steadily improve for you from here.
Glad to here, and you will be happy with your decision once you have settled.
Glad to hear it...
That's cool! Putting down roots is a good thing!
Thanks everyone. I'm excited about the changes that are happening. As I mentioned in another post, I heard a speaker the other day say that 'no one makes you unhappy, you choose to be unhappy." What an impact it had on me.
Seeing my brother go through a divorce has made me rethink many things. My DH gets in these depressive ruts but he is a good father and a good husband. The depression annoys the @@@@ out of me sometimes but I have to remember that I don't need to stay at home and mope. I can get out and do some things.
I've met some really nice ladies this year that I will try to start some closer relationships with next year when I'm not their child's teacher.
We are going to look at houses today. I am excited. I'll take pictures and show you all.
I have some pictures, just need to load the new camera on to the computer.
We are looking at building a new home. Many of the homes here are modular homes so I think that's the route we are going to go as well. We bought a bunch of new lights yesterday...didn't like the ones that would be coming with the house. We are ordering the fridge today so they can make the appropriate cupboard sizes.
Sounds exciting! Can't wait to see pictures!
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