Ever been tempted?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008:
Ever been tempted?
To cheat? My dh's best friend and I are great friends also. We've known each other for 15 years and recently things have shifted a little. We're attracted to each other and we kissed a bit Saturday night. I'm sure it doesn't surprise anyone to know we'd each had a couple of drinks.
Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and we've talked it out and we'll be taking precautions to make sure that we aren't in a tempting position again. I'm literally sick with guilt, especially since he was the one that pulled away, just knowing that I would have been a willing participant. My marriage isn't bad, I just don't feel invisible around this man. He's a very different personality from my dh and the change felt good.
I think my guilt has me asking if anyone else has ever been tempted to cheat on their husbands, even knowing what is at risk if you were to be caught?
Never.
Never once.
Are you kidding? No way!
Yes - and did cheat, once. And felt sick about it for years.
I have never been tempted, but I understand what you mean about someone else making you feel like you are not invisible. I would just suggest to not let yourself be a position where something could happen or where you would be tempted. Discuss with your husband that you don't feel special anymore and need a little more attention. Maybe that will go in your favor. Good luck.
I have never been tempted. With that said, I do not have a good marriage, it is not bad, but it is not good. Another man,is the last thing I want or need. I don't condone cheating. On the other hand, I sort of agree with Joelle. I mean, I can understand that if you are feeling neglected or lonely at home, I can see where people would want to seek it from somebody else.Unfortunately in marriage, or any long term relationship, sometimes it goes stale. I think in those stale situations people are more tempted to chat.
Never been tempted with my DH. However, in my first marriage, I was tempted, but never did. Then found out my X had been cheating all along.
I can understand how easy it is to feel that temptation, particularly when you feel unappreciated, invisible, take for granted, undesirable, unwanted, lonely........any number of things. Just remember, the grass is NOT necessarily greener on the other side. And I believe that in many (most?) cases, the fantasy and anticipation of what COULD be are often better than the reality. When you get past the initial thrill, you are just the same 2 people you were before you discovered this physical attraction, the same people with the same lives, the same problems, the same baggage.
If you value your marriage and family, DON'T. Don't allow yourself to be in the situation where you might not say no. If you love your DH and want to stay married, DON'T. The thing with cheating is, once is enough to get caught; once is enough to cause lasting guilt, once is enough to destroy everything you have.
Just Say No!
Don't feel alone. And the best thing you have done is acknowledged your feelings.
My dh and I have been married for years. We have the most wonderful marriage, however, it has not always been that way. I cheated towards the end of the first year of our marriage. I was not important to my dh and we did not have an emotional connection. I felt very unloved and nothing I did changed that. Unfortunately, I fell prey to a man who knew exactly what I needed to hear.
My husband knows about it, and we worked through it without any outside help because we both felt we were at fault. He realized that he didn't give me the attention I needed, and I let someone else give me the affection I searched for.
I became emotionally attached to this person long before I got physical with him. I got physical with him after I became pregnant by dh. At that time, dh and my relationship was so bad, we had decided I would go back on the pill that month after having my period. I never had that period and it saved our marriage. I had severe health problems during the pregnancy and it made my dh and me realize our love for each other. Our son was born prematurely and by that time we were already very close again.
I know you didn't ask for all of that, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not a terrible person for doing this and having these feelings. Now that you have, you need to look at your marriage and figure out what needs to be done to get back to where you need to be.
I felt like a terrible person, but thankfully, my husband and I could not have a better marriage. Seriously. We are the closest that we could ever be and absolutely in love and the best of friends.
Maybe this can be your wake up call, also.
Never been tempted and wouldn't ever do it. Great advice from everyone above though. Talk to you DH about your feelings! If you value your marriage, it's worth it to try to work through what you're not getting from your DH to feel good.
never
Never been tempted. But know someone who was and it ended badly for everyone. Tell yourself no and I say fess up to DH so he knows what is going on and get help. It will not get better it will get worse.
Never!
I have never been tempted. But I will say that we have had several couple friends that I really seemed to click with the man more. And there has been a couple of occasions that I knew I was becoming too involved with him and really backed off the friendship.
Women are a funny thing, I think it is very hard to become very close to someone and not become intimate. And when you emotionally are intimate the next step just isn't that far away. Men really do just go with sex is sex and it feels good, we are so much more about emotions.
So what you did was not the right choice. But your not so right choices started sometime ago. I am very old fashioned, but I just don't feel that married men should become really close friends with men, especially married men. I think you shouldn't spend alone time with other men. It is just a temptation that can easily be avoided.
I totally agree with Kaye. I do believe it is very difficult for us women to get emotionally close to a straight man without crossing the line of becoming too close to them. That emotional attachment is much more dangerous for your marriage than just a sexual attraction. When you get that emotional bond, you start seeing all the little things about your marriage that aren't perfect and you start feeling that things could be so better with someone else. But then you have to remember when you and dh were in that exploration stage before getting married. Bet you felt the exact same way!
Several years back, I became good friends with a lawyer at the lawfirm I worked at. He only came to our lawfirm a couple of days a week and didn't have his own paralegal, so I did a lot of work for him. We clicked and really got along great and had a lot of fun when together. My husband knew that we had business lunches together during work days, and he had no problem with that. But I began feeling a stronger emotional attachment to him than I was comfortable with so I had to step back. I didn't want to go where it was leading.
So no, you aren't the only one to ever go through this, and just the fact that you are acknowledging what went on and realizing you made the wrong move is a good sign. I don't think you are ready to give up on your marriage yet. Back off from the other relationship and start trying to get those feelings back in your marriage!
Lots and lots of hugs!
Yep been tempted.
I live alone now and am hit on now and then. That's not so bad. But when I have male friends that I click with and they are sooooo darn nice, sweet, complimentary, caring, attentive, etc.. Everything my husband never bothers to be. Well, heck yeah, I've been tempted.
I am actually steering clear of one of my best friends husbands at this point he became too flirty. And I am steering clear of my ex husband as he wanted to become close friends and talk about personal things and on and on...I am trying to steer clear of another male friend that I would LOVE to be able to hang out with, but I just can't do it while married.
I share some of Kayes views. That's why I pulled back from these friendships. I love hearing I am beautiful and my husband doesnt deserve me. lol Terrible. But at the same time, I know it's wrong and am trying to avoid these situations!!!
I think it's idiotic of men to leave women emotionally neglected. They are basically telling their wife to go find someone else, if they don't bother to work on that issue.
So, yeah, I can relate to your feelings. You are a human being with needs!!!
I really appreciate everyone's honesty. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that has ever come close to crossing that line. So many of you nailed the situation right on the head. I have been feeling neglected and taken for granted and this friend feels the same way so things got a little out of hand. We've already decided not to find ourselves alone together anymore (we used to stay up late and talk) and we're changing the way we relate to each other. He had an affair years ago and he and his wife reconciled so he's been the one to remind me that an affair will never make any problems in my life go away and neither of us have any intentions on breaking up our marriages.
Once again, thank you for your advice and experiences.
just a few words of wisdom i think about when i think about cheating...
"Without trust and respect there is no honour. With out honour there is no dignity and with out dignity of ones self you have nothing"
There times times when our marriage was rocky that I wondered if the grass were really greener on the other side but never with/about a certain person and it never went further than a thought. I think DH has a few good looking friends but I would never dream of acting on that. Aside from the obvious marital issues, can you imagine what a man would go through finding out that this "other man" is none other than his best friend? What a double whammy.
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