Need Honest advice, Please

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008: Need Honest advice, Please

Let me start with a little background. I was raised by my mother, visited by my father maybe once a year. She was given no more that $75-100 per month from him. Fast forward to my adult life. We relocated to his area 7 years ago so my children and I could develop a realationship with him and his new wife and our realtionship for the most part has been ok. In this time he has married and had another child the baby will be 3 in june.I have really tried to be a loving sister and as forgiving as possbile toward my father. It is hard when I see the baby in $1,000.00 outfits and thinking back and remembering that we ate off cardboard boxes and homemade placemats as a child. The money this mom, my dads new wife spends is ridiculous and quite honestly none of my buisness but it still hurts.
The house we originally relocated to was appr. 30 minutes from him so we all decided to move and be closer to one another. We bought a house before our other house had sold and we have been struggling to pay two house payments. Its going on 10 months @ 3,000 per month for the empty house. Back in July when we bought our new house the market was strong. My dad offered to front us the money to put as a down payment for our new house which we accepted and are very grateful for. Heres where the problem lies, in order to not loose the old house we had to take out a loan. We expressed to my dad that we couldn't afford both payments and he expressed no concern. The whole time he has said the he needs his money back, he knows we are smart and have always worked it out. Well, the old house just closed escrow yesterday and a part of me feels like he would have never gotten any portion of his cut back if it wasn't for the loan we had to take. There have been so many false promises ie. if we moved he would give me $500.00 a month to work for him, he would help etc.Well, he has hired two of her sisters and brother in law ect. Instead of becoming upset, I am now working at a highschool here in town, which I really enjoy but its just principle..I feel like I have allowed this man to hurt me over and over and put every person ahead of me for so long! Honestly, I would love to take the check and run, but I know thats not the right thing to do. But we are still stuck paying the loan and I just think its unfair that all his money is returned and we have more debt to incur.I just don't know what conversation I should have with him, or if I should just bow out gracefully, not say a word about the loan and give him his money back.
I'm sure alot of you know who I am but I am more comfortable staying anonymous in case his wife were to visit this board.

By Kate on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 01:42 pm:

I'm sorry you've gone thru all this. Honestly, I would bow out gracefully and decide to not depend on him in any way in the future. If I were you I might even move back to be near my mother, instead! I know you moved to be closer to him, but it's honestly not his fault your old house didn't sell quickly and you had dual payments. You chose to move. He reaps most of the benefits, yes, but it was still your choice. I'd pay him back, start paying back your loan, and hold your head high and keep going.

BTW, ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR OUTFITS on a baby? Is that a typo?? Did you mean one HUNDRED?

Good luck to you....

By Chai~latte on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 02:47 pm:

It sounds as though you need to set some healthy boundaries with your father and have a more equal adult relationship with him which will mean perhaps not relying on him to help you out financially. Here is a link to a book called Boundaries written by two psychologists the book has a Christian slant not sure how you feel about that but I have heard the content is great. I have not read this book but I have read Boundaries for Kids written by the same two authors which I really need to go back and read again because my 4 year old has been banished to his bedroom because I could not come up with an effective way to deal with him. Sigh.

Boundaries

Good luck, it's tough to separate your feelings sometimes when you are in situations with family members, it can be very confusing and upsetting and hard to come up with a reasonable outcome for everyone.

By Debbie on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 02:58 pm:

I would give him his money back....two wrongs don't make a right. You took the money as a loan, so you should pay it back. You made the decision to move back, and you made the decision to buy a new house before your old one sold. And, to be honest, keeping the money is not going to make you feel better. It is not about the money.

Moving forward, you have decide if the relationship is worth it, especially if you still have alot of hurt feelings.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 02:58 pm:

The reality is, parent or not, you are not entitled to his financial support. Would it be nice? Of course. Is it fair that he has been more generous with other family members? No.....but you cannot change his behavior. You can only change your response.
You cannot take his money and run. It is not ethical and you are not that kind of person. He gave you a loan, not a financial gift. You can explain to him how you feel and maybe he will forgive the loan.
(((hugs)))

By Angellew on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 03:15 pm:

Here goes, but you may hate me for this... I was in the same mindset as you not so long ago (I believe). You're looking at your father now, and seeing his life now and you resent that he has it so good, while you and your mother were forced to struggle during your growing up years. Maybe your not thinking it consciously, but somewhere in there, you're thinking "he owes me".

Look deeper at "the man", not your father. He's making a lot of what have turned out to be empty promises to you. He's probably always been that way, ask your mother! You're trying to forge a relationship, but, with all the built up resentment (it's there, isn't it?), you're going to have a real hard time. The only way your going to be able to do that is to stop thinking about what he owes you, and what kind of a father he should have been, or that you want. See him for who he is and form an adult relationship... getting to know who he really is. You may or may not like him. Just because he's your father doesn't mean you have to like him.

It took me years to get get past this with my father, and, for the most part, I have. My dad is a good guy, but I don't really like him, and the relationship we have reflects that. There is a lot of my life I don't invite him into. He's more like a cool uncle!

By Kaye on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 06:29 pm:

The other thing you have to keep in mind is simply this...is this a person you still want a relationship with? If it is, you have no choice but to return the money. It isn't okay to treat people poorly, no matter what they have done for you.

By Texannie on Thursday, April 24, 2008 - 07:44 pm:

Would you ever consider keeping the money if he wasnt' related to you?

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, April 25, 2008 - 07:14 am:

Here's what you said:
"Back in July when we bought our new house the market was strong. My dad offered to front us the money to put as a down payment for our new house which we accepted and are very grateful for."

You also said your dad expects to get his money back.

You got caught in the falling housing market, and you have lots of history with and feelings about your father. But none of that changes the fact that your father loaned you the money for the downpayment on your new house with the expectation that he would be repaid when the old house sold. It is not your father's fault that the old house didn't sell as quickly as you hoped or that you had to take on a loan to carry two mortgages - it was your choice to buy the new house before the old house sold.

Of course you should repay your father - and I think you know that. You wouldn't even be asking the question if you had borrowed the money from a bank.

By Crystal915 on Friday, April 25, 2008 - 12:36 pm:

Ok, this is from my own experience with an absent father, my mom never received child support and I saw him once every few years. I got to know my father as an adult, when I was 18, and he continued with the broken promises I had cried over as a child. After he disappeared again right after my wedding, and my children were 10 months old before I heard from him again, I told him to get out of my life and forget I exist. People like that are toxic, and I think you should pay the money back and take a step back from this relationship, because it seems to bring more pain than good to your life.