To much help, to many visitors after surgery - help
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008:
To much help, to many visitors after surgery - help
I go in 2 weeks from today for my surgery. From everything I have read, I am going to be totally out of it and in a lot of pain, despite painkillers. My neurosurgeon told me I am going to feel like someone hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. In a nutshell, I am going to feel like total crap and I don't want visitors. My mother is insisting on coming down to the hospital - dh said no way is he going to tell her she can't and I guess I understand that, but I really don't want her to come. My sister was talking about calling my aunt to come down and see me (she lives nearby). My mother AND my sister both want to stay at my house, even after I am home from the hospital, despite the fact that dh will be here and he can work from home, so we are all set. No one is listening to me when I tell them that he can do anything that needs to be done. I do not want people staying here when I come home. I am not one to want to be fussed over when I don't feel good. I want to be left alone, period. This is going to drive me crazy and I am stressing about it. So how do you nicely tell people to leave you alone? I know they only want to help, but it is to much. Going anon, just in case.
Well, I know you don't want people to help, but really you should take some help. It is okay for people to fuss over you a bit.
I think if you said, look, as much as I need help, my doc also said I need a lot of quiet time. So set a schedule, allowing people to help, but on your terms. Like two days after surgery, you need MIL to come, do laundry and cook a few meals. After that you need a two day break. And I would go as far as booking hotel rooms, and giving them that information. If you give out a schedule and you have rooms booked, they just almost have to listen.
Ditto Kaye. Accept help, but on your terms.
I recently had major surgery myself. My parents stayed with us for a week. For the most part, they were very helpful. If I wanted/needed rest and/or peace and quiet I snuck into my bedroom where no one bothered me. My DH thought he could handle it all, but truth be told, he was very thankful my Mom did laundry and cooked meals. At one point during recovery DH had to take me to the ER, and again, we were glad my parents were here to watch the kids while we were gone.
Let the stress go and allow others to help and take care of things so you don't have to worry about it during recovery. {{{HUGS}}}
Since your husband is wimping out, you have to take the hard line. Tell your mother, sister, aunt, etc - NO VISITS AT THE HOSPITAL. Tell your doctor you want it written in the orders. Tell the hospital.
Your family should know by now that you want to be left alone. Tell them - if you really want me to get well quickly, don't visit. Your visits will only stress me out and my recovery will take longer. Then, if they do visit, after about 5 minutes say "this visit is starting to get stressful and my doctor told me I shouldn't be stressed, so I hope you will understand that I really have to ask you to leave so I can rest."
I agree with Kaye - you, or at least dh, will probably want some help. Tell your mom and your sister they can take turns coming over to fix dinner and fix a lunch to go in the frig for the next day, and maybe do some laundry, but that you will be resting and will not be able to visit for more than 15 minutes. Blame it on doctor's orders - that you need to be quiet, without visitors or company, for X days after the surgery. Could they help by taking your child(ren) out for dinner and to the park after school? Or on the weekend? That would get them out of your house and get your child(ren) out of the house too - possibly a bonus.
And tell your husband that oh yes, he is going to tell your mom and your sister - and your aunt, cousins, or whoever - that they can't visit. He needs to put his wife's health and wishes ahead of his desire to not offend his wife's family.
I know what you mean. I am one who prefers to be left alone when I don't feel well. If I want something, I'll let you know. My ex was one who wanted fussing and constant "do you need anything" visits, pillow plumping, and the rest. Naturally, when I was sick he kept trying to help and when he was sick I left him alone (one of the many ways in which we didn't communicate).
Oh, and I disagree with Kaye on one thing. It is NOT alright for people to fuss over you, even a little bit, if they know you don't want to be fussed over. The patient's wishes should come before anyone else's.
Thanks! I did tell my sister and my mother when they started saying they really wanted to be there - "there" being the whole surgery and then in ICU afterwards - that I understood that was what they wanted but they need to do what I want. Dh is between a rock and a hard place - he says he can't tell them because how would I feel if our dd was having major surgery and her husband said stay away... I did tell them if they want to help they can stay at my house while I am in the hospital and take care of the kids who are going to be very worried...but they still aren't "getting it".
I'm sorry they aren't getting it. I hope they do, and soon!
Thankfully, my parents "got it". In fact, before they came my Mom specifically asked, "How can we help? What would you like us to do?" In my eyes, the main reason for them staying with us was to tend to the kids and keep them occupied. Mom saw that DH was overwhelmed and took over meals and laundry, thank goodness.  DH stayed at the hospital during surgery but then I sent him home. There was no point in him staying to watch me sleep. LOL!
then if they aint getting it ... make up a schedule that u and hubby can deal with ... get a note from the dr saying u need extra amount of rest after surgery that this is not a tonsilectomy. first remember ur wishes come first and ur health. then ur family. maybe on the schedule u can put so and so comes on monday from 2- 5 duz dinner and the home work thing and takes them out side and such and then some laundry ...yeah hubby can do this too ... but thhis will be a break for him also cuz he could be over whelmed if not with all the things u do then emotionally and physically tired and this down time might be nice ... think about it and tho the house and laundry wont be done perfct it will be done out of love and care for you. i tend to be pushy to help out but my feelins are not hurt when im told specifically all is taken care of or if only certain things need doing ... huggs to ya and hope all goes well for ya ...
Well honestly, I feel that if it is your mother and sister etc that are saying all this, you should be the one to set the rules with them. If it were your MIL, I would expect dh to deal with it. I don't know that it is a big deal if they want to be at the hospital when you have your surgery etc. You will be out of it anyway, so you won't really have to deal with them. When you are in ICU, most hospitals around here have time limits on how long someone can be in there and how often. I am sure you could tell the nurses that your not up to anyone being there other than dh and they could put a stop to them coming in. I do know that if it were my dd having the surgery, I would want to be there too, so I do understand why your mom wants to be there. I think you should flat out tell them that you don't want visitors at home until you give them the green light to come see you. Explain to them that you know your going to just want to be left alone and that if you or dh need anything, you promise to call them. I honestly think they are just very concerned and want to help! I think you just need to be VERY clear on what you want/need from them.
I can understand completely that you don't want everyone around, but I have to say I do not think it is your dh's place to get firm with them now. You should be the one to talk with him because they are your family. If it were his family then I would think he should be the one to talk to them. It's putting him in a bad position if he is made to insist they stay away. I think your family will take it much better coming from you...
Maybe you could allow your mother to come around for the first couple of days when you will really need the help. If your husband isn't used to taking care of the entire house, he may have a difficult time adjusting to the role of housekeeper, cook, dad, mom, and caregiver of a sick person all at one time! I would limit it to just your mother, though.
I totally agree about them not being with you after you come home, but, like Vicki, I think being at the hospital during the surgery is different. This is a pretty serious surgery, and I can't imagine not being there if it were my daughter. DH may also appreciate someone being there with him to keep him company. JMHO.
i know you don't want to be fussed over, but is your husband going to do a good job of running your house will you are recooperating? is he going to cook all the meals? clean? get the kids up and off to school? your mom can help with all of that. you aren't going to be up and around..so what if you need help getting to the bathroom, bathing, wanting something to drink or eat...your mom can help with that.
think about how you would feel if one of your children was facing major surgery and you were told to stay away. i would be a nervous wreck. your mother can't 'do' anything for you to make it all better, and this is her only way to help.
Did you get this worked out with them??
I honestly would be heart broken if my child didn't want me around in a situation like this one.. I would respect their wishes to not see them at the hospital, because I hate having people standing over me, but I just couldn't spend the day of the surgery acting as if it was just another day.. I would need to be there, I would need to hear from the doctor's first hand the out come and that my child is in recovery and doing well.
I truly hope you got this all worked out, the last thing you need to do is being stressed over this stuff... Sometimes it is better to draw the lines in the sand and then let things go, whether you are getting 100% your way or not.
Please keep us posted as the surgery draws closer, I am lucky to remember what is going on today..
As a person who has been through a number of surgeries, and as a MOTHER of kids who have had numerous surgeries, I will give my opinion.
Yes, as a MOTHER, I would probably be hurt, and definitely be upset if my adult child didn't want me at the hospital when he/she had surgery. Naturally, you worry and worry, your concern for your *child's* health and well-being and the success of their surgery and their LIFE weighs heavily on your mind.
As someone who has had numerous surgeries, some of them serious, I TOTALLY understand not wanting a lot of people at the hospital, INCLUDING parents. And I support that. It affects your state of mind, and actually creates more stress for you. I distinctly remember NOT wanting my mom at the hospital when I had back surgeries and my hysterectomy. Why? Because *I* would end up being the one worrying about how SHE was handling it.
I think you have the right to decide if you want visitors at the hospital, including your family members and parents. And as hard as it is for them, they need to at least TRY to respect your wishes.
You can have your DH call everyone when you are out of recovery and assure them that you are OK, and you can promise that he will give them updates as needed.
As for after you get home from the hospital, I agree 100% with what Ginny wrote:
"Tell your mom and your sister they can take turns coming over to fix dinner and fix a lunch to go in the frig for the next day, and maybe do some laundry, but that you will be resting and will not be able to visit for more than 15 minutes. Blame it on doctor's orders - that you need to be quiet, without visitors or company, for X days after the surgery. Could they help by taking your child(ren) out for dinner and to the park after school? Or on the weekend? That would get them out of your house and get your child(ren) out of the house too - possibly a bonus.
And tell your husband that oh yes, he is going to tell your mom and your sister - and your aunt, cousins, or whoever - that they can't visit. He needs to put his wife's health and wishes ahead of his desire to not offend his wife's family.
I know what you mean. I am one who prefers to be left alone when I don't feel well. If I want something, I'll let you know."
I think that ANY relatives staying at your house once you are home from the hospital is a HUGE mistake. That's the last thing you need. When I had hand surgery in February, I was totally and completely miserable the first 4 or 5 days. I didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone or SEE anyone either. My sister came in from FL to help, but there truly was nothing for her to do. DH was there, and he did a great job of taking care of me. He knew when to leave me alone, and he made sure I ate when I was hungry or needed to, and helped me to the bathroom and to shower, etc. And honestly, that was exactly what I needed - ONE person I could depend on, who KNEW what I wanted and needed and made sure it happened. Thankfully, my sister did not push the issue - she was at the hospital that morning and came to the house when I went home, and stayed away until several days later.
Just my opinion.............. :-)
Thanks for the opinions. I ordered 3 headscarves to cover the scar and shaving for after surgery. I hope they come in soon. The scar is gross, do an image search on google for a chiari surgery scar...yuck! I am showing my youngest (she is 10) the pics because I am afraid she will be terrified if she sees it afterwards without knowing before how bad it's going to look. I am trying to make a joke w/her that she can call me "frankenmum". My mother is coming down the day of surgery, she is even riding down with us. Not what I want, but whatever. I put my foot down with my sister this weekend, that I do not want my aunt to visit me and when she started to say she (my aunt) really wants to come, I just told her that I was making this experience all about what I want. I am going to ask my dad if my sister can stay with him in his guest room when I come home, that way she can come for a little while in the afternoon or morning, but not all day.
I am freaking out a bit over the surgery, because all symptoms have been totally gone for the last week, but I know from everything I've read (and I've read everything) that with these two conditions together,surgery is necessary. I went to a couple of online support sites for people who have this and that made me even more nervous because it seemed that everyone was way worse off than me before surgery and most of them were pretty bad off afterwards. I go for my second opinion on Thursday and then pre-op next monday and surgery on 5/7.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Colette}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you, for having to go through this, and for the fear you must be feeling. I wish I had some magic words for you.
It's OK to freak out a bit, it's OK to be afraid. I don't think you'd be *normal* if you WEREN'T a bit freaked out. But please try hard to think of a positive outcome. We will all be here pulling for you, and praying that everything goes well, both in surgery, and in your recovery.
(((((Colette)))))
{{{HUGS}}}
Thanks,I am so scared. Hopefully, 2 weeks from now I will be home recovering and not dead...sorry to be gruesome, but that is my currenet mindset.
You can't have that mindset. I completely understand. I am 29 and have had many surgeries. Everytime I have to go under, I worry I won't wake up. But I literally make myself start thinking positive thoughts because I believe that goes so far.
I had to have a experimental treatment when I was very sick. They were doing an IVIG transfusion and it could either make me better, make me worse, or kill me. I had no choice but to try it, but I was still so scared. Especially when they gave me several drugs to counteract a positive negative reaction and wheeled in a crash cart. I was having a history of having severe reactions to many non-dangerous drugs, so you can imagine my fear with this treatment. But I decided I couldn't think about the negative and I prayed and prayed to have all of my fear and nervousness turned into positive energy and strength.
It's completely natural to be scared. Just try to remain positive and do not allow yourself to dwell on the negative.
I don't know what your religious affilitation is, but do you have a church group/minister that could come and pray with you? Even maybe an acupuncturist to help you relax?
I know how hard it is, i have had to have many surgeries too. my last one, i was really quite panicked about and consequently it caused my blood pressure to rise to a dangerous height.
Colette,
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
((((((hugs))))))
Just called to confirm my second opinion, to find out they cancelled it (tomorrow) and it is rescheduled to the day AFTER my surgery.
aaahh!!!!!!!
Oh that really helps! Sheesh!
yes, I wasn't very nice when she actually asked me if I was going to cancel it then...
(((((Hugs)))))
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, Colette. Try and be positive...the odds are in your favor. I'm sure things will be fine. Until then, worrying does nothing but make it worse. I know, easier said than done. My ds had a benign brain tumor removed in 2001, so I know how scary surgery can be. I just remember thinking I wish it were me instead of him.
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