Just found out my brother is getting a divorce
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008:
Just found out my brother is getting a divorce
I'm going anon here because my brother has asked me not to say anything.
I am shocked in one sense and not in another. I have been calling my sil (who I have a good relationship with) for weeks and she has not been returning my calls. I thought I had said something to offend her. I had no idea this was going on right now.
From what I understand, my brother is the one who enforces the rules in the home. They decided together at the beginning of the school year a reward/consequence plan for my nephew. There were, of course, both rewards and consequences established. For the consequences, which involved grounding, there were also perimeters in place that would help reduce the 'sentence', so to speak. From what I understand, it seems like a great plan and my brother has had many years experience working with troubled teens. It seems as though my sil is always backdooring and letting my nephew out of the consequences which results in fighting. So, apparently, they have had enough and have decided to split.
I am so devasted. I knew their relationship wasn't perfect, but then again, who's is?
In my home it is the same thing (although dh will doesn't change the consequence). However, it seems as though I am always the 'bad guy'. For instance, my kids like to have snacks before bedtime. Their bedtime is between 8 and 9. The other night at 9:40 DD (11) comes out of her room and wants a snack. I told her no b/c it was too late and she should have had a snack at 8. She storms down the hall and slams the door when she goes in to her room. DH follows her in (unaware of the conversation we just had) and asks what is wrong. Then comes out and asks me if she can have a snack. I explained to him what I had just said to her. He doesn't let her have one but then later says to me that he didn't know if I was going to let her or not which is why he came to ask me. To me, my answer to her was obvious, hence the slamming door and stomping.
DH and I are having our issues as well. I am unhappy with a major decision that our family has recently made that has put us in a financial bind. The decision was based on wishes of my husband's and not mine. I fear that we are heading down the same path as my brother.
My sister is also divorced. Does this sort of thing run in families? My parents were married for about 30 years (both deceased now). We always knew dad was unhappy but they stayed together. Am I destined for a divorce as well.
If you've read this all, thank you. Another question for those of you that have been in a situation where you had a good relationship with your siblings spouse...what happens now? I don't know if I end the friendship with my sil to support my brother or what. With my sister it was easy...her ex is an idiot. But, I don't know what to do in this situation.
My brother and first SIL divorced. Linda and I are still great friends. It wasn't a peaceful divorce either. I never allowed myself to get dragged into put down sessions by either of them, and kept reminding them both to think of their kids first. My BIL is remarried...(DH's brother). I'm friends with his former and current wives so is my hubby.
I have 2 ex SIL's now. One I couldn't stand to begin with, so we are civil because of their 3 children.
The other was friends with. She was stunned by her divorce and even now, 5 years later, I know she is still in love with my BIL. We are still friends, but not as close as before, and I think it's just because I can't talk about her old family (my current family) without bringing up painful memories for her. That kind of thing. Since her divorce was not at all mutual, it's hard to get too close without her getting involved in her ex-husband's business (whose now remarried and had moved on before he divorced her, if you KWIM).
If their divorce had been mutual, I think we would be closer friends. As it is, we keep in touch about 3-4x/year and don't get into anything too deep anymore. It's hard on the rest of the family when there's a divorce, because it really puts everyone in a bind if they loved that person.
I don't think you're predestined for divorce becuase of your family. I think every marriage is completely different and up to the 2 people involved. Two of my siblings are divorced and in their second marriages, both of which have their problems. But like Anon said, everyone does to some extent. My other sibling is married but in a bad situation that she refuses to leave. I'm the final kid in the family and I'm very happily married and not going anywhere.
I don't think you end your friendship with the SIL, but it will make things difficult for a while, and probably quiet between the two of you. You just have to be careful not to take sides, and let your brother know also that SIL is still your friend and he needs to understand that. It was difficult for me not to take sides because I knew that my BIL was a major a** who was running around, but fortunately I never had to be around him so we could bash him together. 
I do think being in a family of divorces makes it easier to get divorce. Not that you can't have another option. In my family divorce would really be looked down upon, everyone would inquire about counseling and want details. In my husband's family, they would just take his side and go with it.
The other thing is, some families are more prone for divorce based on how they live. My husbands family has huge communication issues. This is a big issue in my marriage. If I didn't have the values that my family had this marriage would be over (it has been a bad weekend). But for my husbands family they consider themselves bad communicators.
The point is, you can work out most issues. But you both have to want to, you both have to be patient, and you both have to work towards the same goal. Only you know if you and your husband can do those things.
Thanks for your comments. I am so worried about my nephew. I fear that he may learn that he was the catalyst in this decision. I don't say reason, b/c I think that the reason is the adults in the situation.
I love my sil dearly and can see my brother's point about her not sticking to the discipline plan particularly b/c I see that in my own home. I do agree with SIL in that my brother is a bit too hard on my nephew. I also agree that perhaps she's too easy on him.
This is not a mutual decision. She wants to go for counselling and my brother doesn't. In his career he is a counsellor and feels he already knows what they will say. I guess the counsellor is the most difficult to counsel.
SIL does not know that I am aware of the situation. I just found out yesterday. I have been calling their home for weeks and haven't been able to get ahold of them. I thought I had done something to offend them. I think they have been screening their calls b/c they did not want to talk about it.
It's difficult to imagine getting a divorce over discipline issues with a child. There must be more to it than that.
I'm thinking the same thing Deanna but that's all I've been told. My SIL called tonight. She's an absolute mess and has lost 34 pounds in a month. She said she has begged my brother to go to counselling and he refuses. He told her he doesn't love her anymore and that he has been unhappy for years. She just found out tonight that I know.
I told her I am in an awkward spot right now. I love her but he is my brother.
I feel so badly for her. The kids still don't know.
He told her he doesn't love her anymore and that he has been unhappy for years.
There ya go, that is the real reason. He needs to stop blaming it on her not sticking to the discipline plan. Their child will see that as his fault. If he would have behaved better, they wouldn't have needed a discipline plan and would be together. That is the way little minds work. Your brother needs to stop blaming that and call it what it is, HE wants out.
hmmm...sad to say, but there is probably much more to this story.
Your brother can't/won't tell you because honestly he probably needs to feel like it is her fault so that he can leave. Don't hate me, but don't be suprised that very shortly after they seperate that he has a new woman.
Kaye, I was thinking the exact same thing so of course, I won't hate you for saying that. And...if it is...I've feel so much better about maintaining a relationship with SIL. Brother or not, that shouldn't happen!
What a terrible situation for your SIL! Ditto Kaye and Vicki. Anon, you'll be in my thoughts because it will end up being a trying time for you as well. {{HUGS}}
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