For a good chuckle
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008:
For a good chuckle
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This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice
for best web mail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in
a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull
s***.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
OK. After posting I realized that the language is a bit strong in a couple of places and for those who are offended, I sincerely apologize!
I think it's great! When I watch some of those commercials I always think "Who are they trying to kid!"
DIdnt' offend me in the least. Wendi from Tx, YOU GO GIRL!!!!
"Have a happy period" is that even possible? I highly doubt it.
LOL @ 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Have a HAPPY period, just slays, me, too. I can't wait for mine to end! So, close, yet so far. It's just such a pain in the butt, for a few days, wasting my time and lots of toilet paper.
I totally agree ladies. As a teenager/young woman I had the WORST cramps.. doubled over uncontrollable crying - type of cramps but after my deliveries my cramps virtually went away and were extremely mild for many years. However, starting about a year ago now that my youngest is 5, the painful cramps are back. I wonder if this is the case with most women. hmm.
I was like that, too, Joyce. Before kids, the cramps were unbearably painful, to the point that I would literally get sick every month. After kids, the cramps became very mild. Our youngest is 7 and the cramps are still usually very mild.
Joyce and Melanie, I've been the opposite. Virtually no cramps when I was younger but ever since I had kids, they've gotten worse and worse. Luckily, every 3rd period or so is a lot lighter and less severe, cramp-wise.
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