Last night my oldest dd - 15 this year had a friend come over to spend the night. They wanted to go to the YMCA an swim. My dh was out of town and one of my other dd's had a friend from the neighborhood over to play while her parents took care of some business so I did not have enough room in my car to take them all anywhere. I told them they could either wait until the other friend's parents came or they could walk. It is less than 10 blocks and it was before 7:00 p.m. so plenty of daylight left and a bike path takes you right there. I would come get them at 9:00 when swimmming was over. So they decided they would walk so that they would have more time to swim. About an hour after they left --- I called dd 3 times during their walk there just to check on their progress(both girls had cell phones)-the 15 year old friend's mom calls me and immediatly says "Did you LET the girls walk to Y tonight BY THEMSELVES?" I said yes, I did it was still daylight out and they had plenty of time to get there...I have extra children here this evening in additon to my own I could not be a taxi service for them until after some of the extra kids have left. She starts to go into a tirade about how girls that young should not be allowed to walk anywhere alone. ----I will admit that I was "in a mood" and so I did not let her fininsh and said "Ok, I will go and pick them up at the Y right now then" and then I hung up. I know I know I know--- not very polite but really that was probably the most polite thing I could have done if I had stayed on the phone listing to the "chewing" she was giving me things would have gotten much more unpolite (is that a word??). Before I could get everyone loaded up she had went to Y and got the girls and brought them back herself. Her dd ran into my house and got her stuff and they left. My dd said that she came into the Y made a scene and told them to get out of the pool she was talking them back home. My dd says that she yelled at both girls the way back to our house and told them that she had lost trust in both of them and that they could no longer be friends. My dd had no idea what had gone so wrong as they had just walked to the Y to go swimming. Now my dd is upset as this is her best friend and the friend has told my dd on several occasions that her mom "hates" my dd and she told her last night not to call/eMail or text her because her mom really means it this time about them not being able to be friends.

I feel so bad because my dd is very upset today and it was all my fault. I do not know what my dd has done to make this woman "hate" her so much. I really don't care for my dd's friend but I have never told my dd that and I certainly wouldn't have yelled at the friend the way the other mom yelled at my dd. Not for doing something so innocent as walking to the Y to go swimming. I wouldn't miss having this girl around but I know that it will make my dd sad so for that reason alone I was willing to put up with her. She isn't a "bad" kid she is just a bit spoiled and so when she is around it is hard to get dd to understand that she is one of 5 not an only and there is only so much $$$ to go around. I also really don't care for how she talks to her parents---very disrespectful but I figure that is their business I just have to spend a little extra time reminding dd after spending time with this friend that at our house the children don't speak to the adults in that manner.

Obviously, I made the bad choices last night---letting the girls take the walk and then getting snippy with the other mom when she is yelling at me. Should I call and apologize to her and ask her forgiveness so that the girls can hang out together again? If it didn't make my dd so sad then I would just walk away from it. My dd showed me her yearbook from last year and this "best friend" wrote in it "H - we have been friends for 3 years and even though my mom HATES you I love you! BFF" so obviously this woman hasn't cared for my dd for quite some time. I know that my dd likes this girl but I am concerned about how the mom has or would treat my dd in the future if they do get to hang out again.

Do I swallow my pride and call her and beg for her forgiveness? DD doesn't really have many/any other friends and I hate to think of her being lonely. High school is not a good place to be lonely. :-(

By Mia on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 04:42 pm:

Yes, I think you should call and apologize, and especially offer to make sure that you are aware of this mother's rules and reassure her that you will indeed follow them if the girls are allowed to be friends again.

You two obviously have different parenting styles, and even as our children get older we have to remember to respect each other as parents and be aware that we may not all allow the same things.

I would also have been very unhappy about my dd being allowed to walk to the swimming pool - BUT my dd would also have been well aware of my rules and would have known to call and ask my permission first. I would have been upset, but more so with my dd than with you, though at that point I would have made it clear to you what my expectations were regarding my dd (types of movies allowed to watch, boys over or not, on the phone or not, unsupervised this or that, etc.).

So I think the other mother did over react, but I doubt she'll apologize to you for it (she did make the mistake of not making sure you new the rules for her child). You don't need to beg for forgiveness, a simple apology for not checking with her first plus several mature reassurance to her about how that will change in the future. It's worth a try if you really feel the friendship is important for your dd. Might not work, but you're a good mom for wanting to try.

Don't beat yourself up over this. We may be moms, but we're still human and raising children is still the hardest job ever (especially considering that they come with no rule books! lol).

By Debbie on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 05:15 pm:

If this girl's friendship is that important to your daughter, then I would call the mom, apoligize, and try to work things out. I think your daughter would really appreciate it.

By Colette on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 05:30 pm:

I would apologize just because it's the right thing to do, you didn't realize the mother's rules and now you do - if nothing else it would be a good example for your dd. However, speaking as someone who doesn't care for one of my dd's friends at all, if she really doesn't like your dd for whatever reason, don't expect to change that by apologizing - she might just be looking for a reason to put an end to the friendship.

By Sunny on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 05:59 pm:

I don't know that I would apologize. IMO, If a parent went off on me because of a perceived mistake (do you live in a bad neighborhood? Is there a lot of traffic? Have you made "bad" judgment calls before? What does she have against the two of them walking?) and then went behind my back to "correct" the mistake, I'd really wonder if I wanted my child to be around this friend (and her mother) at all. I have to trust that my child knows my rules and also realize that other parents may have different rules. If the other DD knew she wasn't allowed to walk, she should have said something. If she didn't know, than it's not your fault or hers. It's the other mom's fault for not saying something beforehand.

Besides, if "her mom really means it this time", then I wonder how many times the other girl has been told to stay away from your DD and you didn't know. This is the excuse the other mother has been looking for. No amount of apologizing is going to change this other mother's mind. There does seem to be a pattern here of your DD being told (or being treated) in such a way that she knows her "BFF's" mom doesn't like her. I can't imagine what that does to her self-esteem!

I would tell my child to take a break from this friend for a while and look into widening her circle of friends in the meantime. But realize that if they see each other in school, they could still maintain the friendship without either of you knowing.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 06:19 pm:

I don't know that I'd call, but because it means a lot to your daughter, I would instead write a letter. A very careful and polite letter. Apologize for not having her daughter call her before they left the house to tell mom where she was going (which the girl should have done, and, honestly, I suspect you know you should have made sure she did). Say that you did not see any harm in two girls walking together in broad daylight in the neighborhood, and that you called your daughter three times during the walk to make sure they were OK. Apologize for getting snippy with her and hanging up - and, perhaps, explain it was because she was clearly angry and upset and saying things she might not otherwise have said, and you didn't want to say anything you might later regret. Express your concern that the girls have been friends for three years, thatyour daughter really values her daughter's friendship, and that you hope that the other girl's mom will take this into consideration and rethink her decision to cut off contact between the two girls.

The reason I say a letter, is because you can write it and re-work it and re-work it until you are sure it is just right. It is concrete, and not as open to misinterpretation as a phone conversation might be. And, she has to read it before she reacts, and might - just might - take a minute to think about it before she reacts. And, you can show the letter to your daughter to show her that you are doing your best to make things right for your daughter. The only reason I am suggesting you do anything is that it does mean a lot to your daughter.

I don't hold out much hope, though. If the mom has had a dislike for your daughter for 3 years, this has been building up for a long time. As to why she has this dislike - who knows. It may be that she is jealous of her daughter having a best friend. It may be that her daughter quotes your daughter (or you) when arguing with her mother, as examples. I also suspect that this mom has other issues with her daughter. I'm surprised the girl didn't call her mother before leaving to go to the Y for 2 hours. I'm sure you would expect your daughter to call you if she was leaving a place where you knew where she was, to go to another place. It may be that this girl has broken other rules, that you and your dd don't know about - and may even have used your dd as the excuse or reason she broke rules. I also think this mom has just been waiting for a good excuse to do this.

I think you are in a no-win situation. The only thing I think you could or should have done differently is make sure the other girl called her mother before they left the house. Other than that, I think you didn't do anything wrong. I would lose it too if some other mother was berating me - in fact, I did once when a mother called to complain about my youngest son when I knew that he was not at fault, and her issue was really that she didn't want her 17 year old daughter dating someone of a different religion.

Oh, and stop beating yourself up about this. As parents, we make lots and lots and lots of mistakes - Lord knows I've made my share and then some. If this is the worst mistake you ever make, you are doing darned well.

By Marcia on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 07:42 pm:

I think this mom sounds like a nut job. Two girls, 15 years old, walking 10 blocks in the daylight is nothing. I'm assuming that you didn't send them walking through some back alleys! My just turned 13 year old has been walking 45 minutes home from school, with just one or two other girls, since she turned 11. At some point we have to let them do these things, as long as we know they are as safe as they can be.

Also, she obviously disliked your daughter for a long time, so this was just probably a good excuse for her to tell her child to stay away. I wouldn't want my child near a mom like that! I'm sure they'll still hang out at school, but cool off at home. I would not beg forgiveness just so that she would let your daughter back in her life. I'm sure she hasn't treat her very well over the years, and your daughter certainly deserves better than that!

By Karen~admin on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 07:48 pm:

Ditto Ginny!

:-(

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

By Luvn29 on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 08:09 pm:

Does this woman realize her daughter will be DRIVING in a year? Sheesh!

By Dawnk777 on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 08:13 pm:

Or that they will be 18 in a few years. I would not have a problem with Emily walking that far, in daylight hours. She will be 16 on Sunday. How is she ever going to let the girl go to college?

I let my kids ride their bikes down to the lakefront alone. Sarah turned 18 last summer and Emily was 15.

I agree that the mother had an ax to grind and this was just an excuse.

By Annie2 on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 08:27 pm:

Marcia, I agree with you 100%.
I couldn't have stated it better.

By Chai~latte on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 09:54 pm:

I so agree with Marcia as well. It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn but perhaps a good one. There are times in life when there are misunderstandings and friendships end because of them, not everything is fixable.

Do what's in your heart.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 09:56 pm:

Marcia, I agree with you, especially that the mom sounds like a bit of a nut job and very, very controlling - except, Tammie's daughter is upset and unhappy. I do think Tammie should try, once only, to persuade the other mom to not try to keep the girls from being friends. But once only. And you're right - they'll see each other at school and other places that the other mom can't control. But still, right now Tammie's daughter is unhappy, and probably blaming her mom. Tammie is blaming herself. It doesn't hurt to try, once.

By Bellajoe on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 10:28 pm:

I agree 100% with Marcia. She took the words right out of my mouth.

By Marcia on Saturday, March 22, 2008 - 12:20 am:

Ginny, I see what you're saying, but I don't think the other mother deserves the apology. I think that it would just allow for this to possibly happen to Tammie's daughter again, because the mother obviously doesn't like her anyway. I think this is a good time for Tammie and her daughter to talk about it. I would tell my child that I was sorry that my decision made the mother react so horribly, and that the mother acted the way she does in general, but I wouldn't apologize for the decision to let 15 year olds go for a walk.

I do understand how hard it is to deal with 15 year old girls. My own 15 year old has struggled with so many schooling issues over the years, and some bullying stuff. It's hard to see them feeling so horribly, and it's difficult not to question our decisions when dealing with these things.

By Melissa on Saturday, March 22, 2008 - 07:11 am:

Why don't you ask your dd what she would like you to do? You can send a letter as Ginny suggested or do nothing. My dd is younger, 10, and her best friend's parents are a lot more relaxed about supervision than I am. My dd is an only their dd is their 4th. They are great people so I just am sure that dd knows my rules and has her phone with her. At 15 if where you live is fine, I would have been ok with it. The mom sounds like a nut job. See how your DD would like you to handle it.

By Brandy on Saturday, March 22, 2008 - 07:25 am:

wow to everyone saying the mother is a nutjob...i don't know if i would let my boys walk there at 15 ...i live in the city though but also i grew up in the country well a long time ago lol...we could be safe then walking around all day and everyone knew everyone there but today in the same town i'm not even sure i would let my kids run around it...

By Debbie on Saturday, March 22, 2008 - 08:42 am:

Well, I try not to pass judgement, especially when we don't know all the facts. Who knows what has gone on between your dd's friend and her mother. I do think that the whole situation wasn't handled correctly. She should not have been yelling and screaming, and you admitted that hanging up on her probably wasn't the best thing either.

I probably wouldn't have had a problem with my boys walking with their friends in daylight for 10 blocks. But, then this mother may have had a reason for not allowing her dd to do this. I do agree that at 15, your dd's friend should know the rules at her house, and called her mom or spoken up about it if it wasn't allowed.

Has your daughter ever talked about how her friend's mom treats her? I would think if she treated her badly, she would have said something to you? It would probably be a good time to talk to your daughter about it, since you now know this is the situation.

I still think calling, or writing a letter, and apoligizing for your behavior is the right thing to do. I don't think you should beg for forgiveness, or anything. And, like others have mentioned, if she really doesn't like your daughter for whatever reason, this may be her way to try and end the friendship. There is nothing you can do about this mom's behavior, but you can act the way you know is right.