Today is not a good day for me
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2008:
Today is not a good day for me
March 18th, 1995 was a nerve wracking day for me, the next day I was going in for surgery on my knee so I'd taken the day off and was spending the day getting ready emotionally. I was a basket case because I'd never had any type of surgery or been put under.
I remember it like it was yesterday though... I was laying on the couch in our house on Boston street (the house I grew up in for the most part) and I was watching General Hospital so it must have been about 2:15-2:30 or so. The telephone rang and it was my orthopedic surgeon. He told me that they had gotten back my preoperative bloodwork and that my HIV test had come back positive. I honestly don't remember what I said to him but do remember that we decided to postpone my surgery and that I called my mom who came home from work immediately.
The next couple of days was spent with me being medicated for anxiety, my mom being with me every second because I wasn't in a good place emotionally, and many hours in my bedroom alone crying trying to figure out just what I was supposed to do. In those first couple days my mom took me to two different doctors and I had a total of 4 tests done to getting a positive diagnosis.
I can remember the VERY FIRST THOUGHT going through my head was that I'd never have a child, this morning I gave my son the biggest hug ever and I cried thinking about he truly is my miracle because I didn't think he'd ever be a reality.
It took two weeks for me to finally fess up about being raped, up until then I held onto my story that I had no idea how this had happened to me. Until that point only my best friend Matt had known what happened the night I was raped. I had made him promise never to tell anyone and after I was diagnosed he kept telling me to tell my mom and dad how it had happened but I was ashamed and embarrassed because I'd had no business in going out with "J" in the first place.
I look at today where I'm at and I have mixed emotions, I'm so thankful for every day that I've been here but I don't feel as I've gotten very far. I have a wonderful fiance, an amzing son, a awesome family, and great friends so I guess I am pretty lucky.
The thing I regret the most is not pressing charges and not making him suffer some consequences for what he did to me because not only did he take away my innocence but he gave me a death sentence of sorts because I know someday it wll take my life.
I'm so sorry. Thankfully though our doctors and researchers have given you 13 years so far of a happy life and many more to come. AIDS/HIV research has come so far and I would love the day we find a cure (if we do). I was raped as a child by my Uncle and he never faced charges because I was too scared to talk (although a rape kit showed evidence). I still feel helpless today knowing that he never paid for what he did and not only that but he went on to do it to my brother and cousin. I'm glad that he was deemed infertile and will never have a child of his own.
{{{hugs}}} I can see how this would be a hard day for you.
It sounds like you have a lot of great things in your life now. You have to just look ahead, and try not to have regrets about the past.
Hugs, I can also see how this is a hard day. But you are doing so remarkably well and I know and feel that you will continue too. As far as you didn't press charges and make him suffer. Believe me he will if he already hasn't, even if he has he will suffer more then the pain he caused you. He has a much higher authority hen the police and or courts that he will have to answer too. God bless you and I think you are stronger then you think, just being able to share your story with us on this day speaks volumes for how far you come since that day.
Debbie,
forgive me for saying so but I too am greatful that your Uncle would never be able to have a child of his own, and he too will pay also.
I am sending a big hug your way.
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