What do you do if you find out that your husband isn't who you think he is?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2008:
What do you do if you find out that your husband isn't who you think he is?
I found some pornographic "girls gone wild" videos that my husband has been stashing for months and the more I'm looking into things, the more he is hiding from me.
ie, on his business trips, he goes to Hooters and posts online (on a message board) about how "disappointing" one was in comparison to the other. or, girls breast sizes from one city to the next
then, he posts naked pics online while accepting naked pics from a girl online.
I'm just so heart broken. I've been so trustworthy.
On top of it all, he tries to lie about everything. It's all really really sad.
This is what he posted online about his "hopes" for our son:
"It'll be a proud day indeed when my little boy does his first line of blow off a hookers •••."
He also talks, at length, at how hot my friends and cousins are. Commenting on their chest size and how that's the reason why he goes with me to see my friends/family.
What do I do? He's on a business trip right now and I just don't know what to do. I can't even see myself with him anymore. It's the first time I've ever regretted marrying him.
He disgusts me and this whole time he's been saying "how trustworthy" he is. I just want to throw up. I've cried all my tears and now I'm just running on empty.
we go to church frequently and I don't even know if Christian counseling can salvage our marriage.
Wow, I can't say for sure what I would do if I found out my husband wasn't who I thought he was, but I do know I would be very disappointed if he did the things you have found out. I think I could work through and get over most of what you have posted except the posting and accepting of naked pictures and the lying.
The •••• I could work through and even the comments he made about your son and hooters and all of that. It doesn't make it right by any means, and I do know that, but also, sometimes guys just "talk" to make themselves sound better. That is all just talk. But the lying and the photos, that would be tough for me to get through and over. Could be deal breakers for me. Hard to say.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, your in for a tough road ahead!
I would first try to print all the things from the internet/message boards that you can. (especially the remark involving your son) Keep those and the videos in a safe place away from the home. The remarks about your son really concern me and I would think they would concern a court because it shows an amazing immaturity and disregard for the immense responsibility of parenting. Even if he was "joking" it says alot about him as a person to involve his child that way. If you decide to confront him with this info, have it in front of you when you talk and have a plan for what you want to say. Have a copy of everything somewhere else though in case he takes what you have during your talk.
Whether or not you and he can work through this will obviously take a lot of soul searching on your part. One important step may be to go talk to a divorce lawyer, just to ask questions and get information that you need before you make any decisions.
Also, start setting aside a reserve of money that you can rely on if you do move forward in separating or ending your marriage. There is often a period of no support between starting a divorce and getting temporary orders put in place. Having something in reserves takes away some of the stress so that you don't get pressured into agreeing to something that's not in your's or your child(ren)'s best interests.
My prayers are with you.
That stuff is insidious. I'd be out of there ASAP as the remark about your son is extremely troubling. He may decide to 'bond' with your son over this stuff and lead him right into it, too. Your son's attitude toward women will be badly tainted and it won't bode well for his future. As for your husband, he's not trustworthy and with his travel he has lots of opportunities to be physically unfaithful and bring home a disease. His parenting is obviously not impressive as I stated above.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can talk to your pastor or a friend or family member.
I'm so sorry this is happening. The p0r^ is not such a huge issue, but the remarks about your son, the remarks about women close to you, and the apparent obsession with Hooters is pretty out there. I mean, it's one thing to go to the restaurant (heck, I've been a few times!), but to join a community online to rate the women? Too much time on his hands apparently. I agree with Kate, there isn't much you can do to "fix" this, it's obvious your husband has some big issues, and they are too dangerous to stay with your son in the house. You need to be tested for STDs IMMEDIATELY, and make preparations to leave. Please print/save all evidence possible, because you'll likely need it. If it were me, I'd never feel comfortable again, especially considering his frequent travel. Have you checked your finances for suspicious activity? I mean, his "extra-curriculars", if he really is partaking in the stuff he hopes your son one day does, are not cheap, and can't be put on the company account. KWIM?
All I can say is I'm SO SORRY that you are going through this. You have to decide for yourself what is best for you, but I would be out of there so fast his head would spin. I would be so repulsed by all of these things, and the comments about your son are way too much to get over. He's not just looking at ••••, which I would have a problem with anyway, but posting the pictures is even worse. The comments about people you know, the Hooters online stuff....It's not only such a huge breach of trust and intimacy, but weird, too.
He should be confronted immediately and I would personally leave. Ditto Crystal on being tested immediately for STD's. {{{HUGS}}} I hope that everything works out for the best.
Only you can decide what is the right decision for you and your family.
Some things to think about, I think your dh has crossed WAY over the line with the comments about your son, the trading of nude photos, and the talking to you about female friends and family members. To me, this is more serious then just looking at ••••. It is more like he is "participating" with others in this obsession, not just secretly looking at ••••. This would worry me about what else he has actually done, especially with him traveling, and being away from home alot.
Have you confronted him about this before, has he lied about it?
I think you need to decide, for yourself, whether this is acceptable behaior or not. If it isn't, then you need to confront him, and go from there. Counseling will not work if your dh does not think he has a problem. If he doesn't feel this is an issue, and doesn't REALLY want help for it, counseling is just a waste of time.
Ditto others, I would make copies of all the stuff you have found and give it to a trusted friend or family member, if you don't have money of your own, I would put some away for yourself, I would also get tested immediately for STD.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
((anon)) I am sorry you are going through this.
Well, I'm a little more vindictive than most women. I also work with men like this and know what they are capable of. Yes, I would leave him but I'd make sure you have a good plan and lots of financial plans.
If he is doing this, he probably has secret credit cards or accounts that you don't even know about. I would go online to annualcreditreport.com and get copies of your credit reports as well as your husbands. This way you will see what credit cards, accounts, etc. you both have. He may be having things sent to him at the office that you don't know about.
Next, I would get my hands on some cash money and put it somewhere safe. This way if accounts get frozen, you are covered.
Go online and get back credit card statements, bank statements, etc. Get copies of anything and everything.
Even if you do try counseling, I would have my safety stash of money and evidence just in case it doesn't work out.
Hugs to you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice to add, everything sounds good that has been posted already. Just wanted to say I'm sorry.
(((hugs)))
((((anon)))) Huge hugs to you. I would be so upset if I were you.
Have you confronted him about it? Although most men would lie and deny it. I agree that you should get a STD test done immediately.
It sounds like he had some serious issues.
Hey...just checking to see if you are alright...
Yes, I have been thinking of you sooo much. Please let us know how you are.
bump bump
I have been through this. After 10 years of marriage I found out that my husband had a huge secret •••• addiction. I never went and read the message boards, I just didn't want to know. I was terribly hurt, I felt betrayed. I don't love the idea of ••••, but it was the lies, the cover up and the deception that was so hard. He told me about it one day. I am not sure why. That is probably something I don't want to know. It has been 5 years. Things are better. I almost trust him again. It has been a very hard time. It was important to me to try to heal this. I think the fact that he told me and confessed helped. We have been through counseling. We had to make some serious changes. We don't have any hidden email accounts. All our mail goes to the same place. I used to check the history on the computer almost daily. I do still check in monthly. I also made him give up some other computer things, he was into fantasy baseball and football. They require a lot of computer time. I didn't think I could watch him for all of that. He needed to be removed from his drug and temptation. At first he argued about that, but simply I told him he had to pick me or the computer and at that time he couldn't have them both.
The biggest problem with this issue. It is also my secret. If your husband cheats on you, you tell your family, your close friends. But with p*rn you feel like you have to hide it. I just kept thinking how embarrassing it would be to divorce over it. None of my close friends know. My family doesn't even know how close we were to spliting. This was devastating to me, and I had to bear it all by myself.
I made an exit plan. I really didn't think we could get through this. Things have really gotten better though. It has taken a lot more time, we still aren't 100%, but we are close.
Trust is like a piggy bank. You make small deposits in it at at time. But when it gets broken it takes a really long time to fill it up again, and it is never quite the same.
Good luck.
Anon, I hope everything is okay. How are you holding up?
bump bump
Thanks for checking in with me. It really means a lot.
It's interesting because I was not returning his phone calls that week, and I hacked into his emails and changed all his email passwords, so he "checked in on me" here on Momsview and read my post here, along with all your responses.
He dropped everything on his business trip and flew home immediately (jeopardizing his job once more), apologizing profusely and realized that he was WAY out of line. He insisted that, while he knows he emotionally cheated on me, he never physically cheated on me. And, while in context, the line about our son was a "joke", albeit NOT A FUNNY ONE AT ALL. To say it lightly, the blood left his face the entire time we talked. He's had a pron problem for a while (off/on when he's depressed about his job), so I had asked God to reveal everything and He did.
You're right, anon, in that I can't tell my family. I was able to go to a friend who is going through the EXACT same thing though and even kicked her husband out of the house for it. My husband stayed in a different room and took showers in a different bathroom for a while. There aren't any places around here to stay and I wasn't about to pay for HIS mistake for a hotel.
We are going through counseling now and he's reading up on the addiction. He erased his account on his private chat board and is now differentiating between "privacy" and "secrecy".
It's going to take years to undo what has been done. I can't even trust him at a child's birthday party because I don't know if he's staring at my family members, etc.
I didn't have an exit plan but I will develop one. I'm a stay at home mom so I rely heavily on him, which makes me angry for him doing this. I'm still angry and I haven't given his laptop back to him until we are done with counseling. (FYI, I did print off everything he said online and am sending it to the counselor.)
Thanks again for checking in on me. You don't know how hard this is to face "alone" and you can't share it with most friends or family. It's just embarrassing and hurtful. (Although, I did tell some bible study friends that we are going through marriage counseling, but I wasn't specific on what the problem is.) Time will be the only indicator in this. I'm praying that counseling will help.
Good luck! {{{HUGS}}}
Anon, you've been in my prayers.
I hope the counseling will help.
Hugs.
Since you shared that you are in Bible study, I thought I would share a book. There is one called "every mands battle" that deals with just this. Worth looking into in my opinion.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
I hope the counseling is successful!
( This is another anon.) My heart truely goes out to you. I feel you are going thru the right steps.Pornogrophy is one of the biggest things that satan attempts men with.It is very wide spread,and a lot of times no one even knows that their husband or wife (yes, even women can have this problem) are addicted , until it gets out of control.It's a pyramid thing,the more they do, the more they HAVE to do.But, God CAN help someone over come this, if the person is open to the help.You all are on the right tract.Keep the prayers and the counceling going.It is a good thing that your DH showed true remorse over his actions, even to the point of rushing back home like he did.But, please know that in most cases there may be times of relapses.I'm not saying that he should think that it is ok ,when that happens. But, to just let you know that it is possible ( BTDT ).I highly suggest both of you read many good christian books on the subject, especially by authors that have lived thru this and was totally healed.We have come a LONG way, and I believe that our total healing is almost here  Stay strong in the Lord ! You both are in my prayers !!
I hope everything works out. It's not easy to regain someone's trust but it can be done. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Though your husband says he hasn't physically treated on you it is imperative that you still get tested for STDs immediately for peace of mind. Even if everything comes back clean this time if I were you I would get tested periodically especially since he travels so much. I know how much you want to believe him and trust him again but you just never know... so for the sake of your health and your kids please get tested, including the HPV virus. I really do hope and pray everything will work out for you and your family.
I will say you are a better women than me. I'm sorry that this post isn't going to be supportive but maybe this will help in some way. After all you have posted I would have been out of there SOOO FAST! I would buy a plane ticket pack up myself and the kids and go stay with friends for a couple weeks while I got things figured out.
I do hope you get tested for STD's. He has proven that he can't be trusted and I find it hard to believe that he has never been physical with anyone other than you while married. The simple fact that he travels on business would make me very nervous.
I think I know who you are Anon and if my gut is right I am so very sad for you. I hope you aren't staying just because you are a SAHM and he is the bread winner. If you are the person I'm thinking of I know you have a college degree and you are more than able to take care of yourself and your child.
There are some really wonderful men out there that love being married, are faithful and kind. What he said about your son is just appalling and for a father to post that anywhere is just shamefull. The fact that he dropped everything and came home early from a business trip and jeopardized his job would mean ZIP, ZERO, NOTHING to me after everything he did and said. The simple fact that going to a family gathering is going to be uncomfortable would make me so sad.
I do hope that the counseling you are seeking out will help you. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling or what you must be going through. I pray that the two of you get the help that you need. Best of luck.
How ya doing?
I too had someone pop into my head instantly on who I thought it could be. Honestly, that is why I was as gentle and understanding in my response as I could be. I do hope I am wrong! You are still in my thoughts and prayers!!
My story is quite different. But I'll share, as maybe *something* here will be helpful for you. I can relate to your feelings, digust and disappointment...I'll go anon, but you will know who I am.
The fact is that good moral men do not behave in this manner. I thought I married a good man. I was WRONG. He is a user of women and family and friends. As soon as the baby was born he took an international traveling job. He never had to be around to help with kids. But he acted like to other people he did SO much to help. He went on *pub crawls* in England with buddies. After this particular trip he went to the doctor for a problem on his penis??? Looking back, I am VERY concerned about that. He ran around with a 23 yr old chick in Russia and hid A LOT of pictures and info from me on that situation. I won't go into all the details of any of the stories. Just hi-liting. He lies and manipulates. He literally tells his friends one thing and then keeps me away from them. Imagine if they heard my side of the stories...lol They might put 2 and 2 together. So he is very smart. His Mother plays right along with him, supporting him in his abuse of me and kids. She thinks he does no wrong. Quite a sick relationship.
Keep a file. I have pictures and notes dating back many years. Now I am finding out he has a girlfriend in Costa Rica...He isn't coming home. He is a LOSER. He has done nothing since I moved home in August other than call and verbally abuse me, belittle me, control me, manipulate me and he has lied to me AGAIN and AGAIN.
My point is...I should have kicked him out 5 years ago. But I wanted to believe he could change and we could work this out. His family has no idea the things he has done to me and these kids. I think you should EXPOSE your dh's problems NOW. Tell his Father or Brother, best friend and make them hold him accountable. He needs some help and some support. You cannot do it alone like you say you have to. You have to, IMO, expose him and have some good christian men keep him accountable from here on out. I should have exposed my husband years ago. He has a problem with women. On many levels actually. I am just a long line of many women he has used and abused. I now feel very sorry for the women he hurt before I met him. I actually pity his girlfriend. I hope that she is smarter than me. Your dh needs to change his job, he can no longer travel. My dh cannot travel through an aiport without picking out a female and conversing/flirting. I have witnessed it, and my ds had to travel with him and was VERY upset when he got to Costa Rica. He informed me that Dale tried to have lunch in airport with young very attractive lady and invited her to be in his *group*...telling her that it wasn't safe to fly down to CR alone???? ROFL My 15 yr old son was APPALLED because he knew that his MOM and two brothers were having to travel down ALONE without Dales help. This has severely affected my children and I take the blame for that as I should have kicked him out yrs ago. They cannot believe how he acts. They would not go to the beach with him in CR because they told me he was just going to the beach to *check out women*...Ok, that's how sad it is. My teenage boys have told me in the last month that they know exactly what kind of men they don't want to be when they grow up.  I am very proud of them.
Last Anon - I think I know who you are and I'm wondering, are you going through the divorce process? I had no idea how terrible your husband has been to you, although I guessed it wasn't good.
Original poster - I personally would never be able to trust him again and would be gone, like I said in my first post, by the time he got home. There are some things that just can't be gotten over, IMO. His is a serious parenting issue as well, and doesn't just affect you. I truly hope that everything works out for the best for you.
It's a reminder to all of us that having a back-up plan is imperative. Even if you are married to someone wonderful (like me!),if you are a SAHM, a back-up plan can only make you feel good about yourself, regardless if you think you'll ever need it because of the end to the marriage. ANYTHING could happen to our husbands, either wrongdoing or nature, and the back-up plan is what can help you get through.
Last anon, I DO know who you are - you have posted more than once about your situation.
:-(
I was married to a man who was/is a sex addict. I won't go into details of our problems on this thread, but I will say, due to HIS problem, he fooled around on me with who knows how many women, 2 of them were SUPPOSEDLY friends of mine. He worked with them - so did my own MOTHER. He thought he was covered by being here and there with people they worked with; his job required he be available 24/7.
When a man (or a woman too, for that matter) is fooling around, he always *thinks* he's being so secretive, so discreet, so crafty, lies become the norm - in fact, I have found in many cases they actually begin to believe those lies. Excuses galore. Cheaters are manipulative, they use blame and financial and emotional security to blackmail you. Work is a great backup plan, and in my X's case it was the perfect one since he had the type of job where he was on call. So he'd leave and be out all night and it was years before I FINALLY caught on, since he was SO convincing when confronted, and one of his favorite tactics was to turn the confrontations around on ME and accuse ME of doing exactly what he was doing.
And that is *just* the fooling around part of it. The problem these men have is, they are never satisfied. They may say they love their wives/girlfriends, but they are never satisfied sexually. They are always looking for the next thrill, the next perfect body, the next kinky act, the next kinky photo - the grass is ALWAYS greener, or so they think. And at some point, they blame YOU for their addiction. If you had only done this......if you had only worn that.......if you had only looked like this.......... It's not YOUR fault, it's THEIR sickness.
If someone is going to cheat, there is really nothing you can do to stop them. THEY have to stop THEMSELVES. They have to want to be helped, to want to change. Words are cheap. Actions are the proof.
And something else to be aware of - there are six degrees of separation. Sooner or later, it always comes back to them - and you. At some point, the secrets are out.
Good behavior is usually a temporary measure to placate the *injured party*. It's like the honeymoon phase in the emotionally/physically abusive relationship. And like that, it soon wears off, and the game is back on.
I feel badly for anyone who is in that situation. It takes a lot of strength and planning to remove yourself and your kids from it. Often it takes years before it happens or is possible. Denial - on both parts - is all too common. Denial helps you manage your pain; it helps HIM continue his charade.
No judgements here - each of these situations is very much alike, yet also very different. And the emotional ties a woman with kids has makes it all the more difficult to see it for what it really is and make a decision to end it. There's a lot of guilt.....and fear......and anger to go along with the disbelief and the pain.
My heart breaks for anyone dealing with this. And I pray your family finds healing and peace in some way - whether its the long road of recovery, or ending the relationship and moving ahead with your life.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
This is the original anon. I wish I had more time to respond, but I will just put this out there:
I truly believe that has not physically cheated on me. Truly. He might be stupid, but he's not that stupid. He knows I would leave him and I did make an exit plan in case this were to happen. (Lesson learned there for sure.) He would be kicked out indefinitely. (In college, I asked all his buddies and semi-friends if he ever cheated on a girl and they said he is as faithful as they come...it was the #1 reason I married him because my father cheated on my mom.)
And, for those who say they would leave given the circumstances, just know that you only know the partial amount of circumstances and that I do not think his online activity is who he is. Being someone else online allowed him to "escape" and create some sort of alternate universe since he's so depressed about his job. If he had another disease, would I leave him? No. He's suffering from many deep issues (low self esteem and other recent traumatic things that would identify us here so I can't go into detail.) He made poor poor poor decisions and, to be clear, the naked pics he posted are not of himself but of women's breasts. The woman online who is a part of this private board has been emailed by me. Someone who seeks attention from married men has a serious problem. (She gets on chat boards that are mostly men and takes pictures of her chest, with her shirt on, as part of her "avatar", which I think is sad and I told her so. She is 34, unmarried, and brags about her sexual exploits which is sad in my opinion. She brags about buying condoms in bulk. Sick.) I also acknowledge that my husband has the bigger problem by saying "much appreciation" and feeding into her low self esteem. They did not email back and forth, to my knowledge when I had the investigation into his computer, but I did let her know that she is not to communicate with my husband in any way, shape, or form. To add, he has given me all the passwords to his emails and computers, etc. I've never had to ask for them before now.
He knows he took "privacy" to the wrong extreme and is learning to be transparent. I think a lot of it has to do with the way his father constantly tried to control him. So, when I gave him $30 in cash for his travel he decided that he would not be "controlled" and go to Hooters. (FYI, I gave him only $30 because I know he also has a drinking problem. Little did I know he had a pron problem as well.) I'm not stupid, nor do I rely on him for $. It did take me by surprise, but I've prayed to God to reveal things and He did. So, if my DH is not willing to go through with counseling and group therapy, there will be a non-negotiable boundary of divorce. We both do not want that, but I've been a career woman and I can be again if need be. (I've applied to various jobs in the city already.) I also believe, somwhere down the road, he needs to admit this to his parents so they can assess how this was passed down from generation to generation and deal with their own dissolved marriage which, they still have not taken care of. His father refuses to speak to his mother, even across from a table, and speaks down to her new husband. It's really sad and it takes its toll on my DH.
We are going to counseling that is costing 90$ an hour or more and his first session is today. Neither one of us has been to counseling but it's been needed long before this all happened. I went to a group last night with SA's wives and I listened to all the hurt in the room. It was heartbreaking. One lady has been married almost 10 years and her husband is a deacon in the church. She caught him mastrbating to pron while on vacation. He admitted to doing it their whole marriage and earlier, which broke her to pieces.
For those who have been through this, I can't say how much appreciation I have for your strength. And for those who have had men go "beyond" a pron problem and seeked out women, my heart truly aches. I can't believe the pain I'm going through much less finding out that there could be more pain like that. {{HUGS}} I will be watchful and pray for my husband's recovery.
PS- Just to give you a little window into his self esteem, I told him, "If I were to die, please pick out another partner that would love our children just as much as me and is willing to put their heart and soul into the family." His reply? "If I died, pick someone better than me."
I think it is great that you want to fix your marriage. I truely believe, that when there our dks involved, we should do everything we can to fix a marriage before divorce.
However, (and I truely don't want to make you mad) how do you know he has not cheated on you physically? He has lied, he has covered things up. He has an addiction, that has caused him to do other things that aren't right. To protect yourself, I would still get checked for STD. It is your health that is in jeopardy.
I am glad that you have an exit plan, and that you have set up boundries. And, I do hope that things work out for you.
I do want to share my story with you. Before I met my dh, I was engaged to a very controlling man with an addictive persoanlity. He too seemed to have low self-esteem. He had a horrible childhood, his mother left when he was a baby. Well, come to find out, his low self esteem was just an attempt to manipulate me, and make me feel sorry for him. It took the focus off him, and made me make excuses for his behavior. People that have addictions are very manipulative in all areas of their life, it is just part of the addiction. So, please, just keep your eyes open.
I do really hope things work out for you.
I too would be tested for any and all STD's. If he knows physically cheating is a drop dead deal breaker, I don't know if I would trust him to be telling me the truth. He might be hanging onto that lie to protect what chance he has to save the marriage. Just to be safe, I would also go get myself tested. I am not saying he is lying, but I wouldn't be able to put my trust (and life)in him that he is telling me the truth.
I agree. Getting checked for STDs is only common sense just, as others say, to be on the safe side. Who knows - he might not consider hookers to be "cheating" because there would be no emotional involvement.
Well Anon all I can say is this. You asked "What do you do if you find out that your husband isn't who you think he is?" I answered in my response as honestly as I would want a friend to be. I held back on a lot of things because I am not 100% sure who you are (although I think I have a pretty good idea).
What would it hurt to get tested for STD's? I would hope that the story from Anon on April 3rd would help you see that anything could happen without you knowing. If you are who I think you are, you are a BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY LADY. You have a Very Special child who is more precious than anything.
I do know that what I suggested is easier said than done. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes and I am sorry for what you are going through. My heart aches for you. You seem to be making excuses for him and looking past what he has done. You asked the question and I think the majority of us on the Board have given you honest answers. You can learn from the mistakes many ladies on here have made or you can choose to ignore all the signs and stay with this man.
I truly hope things work out for you.
BIG HUGS
First of all (((ANON))). I HATE, HATE, HATE PORNOGRAPHY!!! (Yes, I know I am yelling.) It feeds addiction in men, causes them to have difficulty being intimate with real people, devalues women, and destroys families. So many people think it isn't harmful, but it is so dangerous and so destructive.
That said, I am so glad that you are both getting counseling. That is an excellent first step. I do agree with the others that you should be proactive and go ahead and get tested for STDs. It sounds like in addition to counseling for sex addiction, communication, reestblishing trust, etc. it sounds like your DH has a problem with alcoholism as well. Those issues will take A LOT of work and are huge issues, but God is bigger than them all.
As for what we would do...that's not really the question. A lot of people have posted that they would leave on the spot. Well, plenty of people say that, but the reality is often really different. My mom and dad were separated when I was in college b/c my dad had an affair. My mom has a master's degree and could have been self-supporting. She is very independent and the "If my DH had an affair, I would throw him to the curb" type. However, the reality that they had been married for over 25 years, had 3 kids together, had grown up together, had a long history together, and still loved each other deep down even after all of the broken trust, humiliation, embarrassment, and drama. They will celebrate their 47th anniversary in October. It hasn't been smooth sailing and they have actually been separate twice in all of those years, but they have gotten counseling and worked through some issues. It is possible for you guys to overcome this.
Since you mentioned church and a Christian faith, I would like to say that pornography is a huge problems in churches today---and even among pastors. It's the big secret sin. The good news about that is that your DH can probably find another guy in church who has struggled with this addiction and beaten it. I would also suggest www.xxxchurch.com. It is a ministry targeted to men who struggle with pornography. On this website you can find a lot of resources, including accountability software. I would highly recommend accountability software (it sends reports of every single thing he looks at on the internet to an accountability partner---who should NOT be you). Finally, I would suggest that he have a male accountability partner who will encourage him, monitor him, pray for him, etc.
Hoping that things work out. Please keep up updated.
Pam, you are an angel. Thank you so much...you give so much insight without ever BTDT, but I do appreciate your story about your parents. I was looking forward to your response, without judgment and always helpful...thank you!!!! I will look into the website!
xoxox
Anon,
I have no advise for you. Only you know if your marriage can overcome this. You have to do what is right for yourself and your family.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
I truly hope that counseling works!
((((((hugs))))))
Ditto Andi and Yvonne. Really you are the only one who knows whether you can work this out or not, and I do feel terrible for you, but really don't start making excuses for your DH until you've built back some trust. Making excuses for a liar is never healthy. Please get tested for STD's right away. It doesn't hurt anything and can only help you to take care of your own health.
I also really hope that counseling works for you. You really will be in my thoughts!
Anon, I have been through something similar with my dh and I agree with Pam and Yvonne. My dh and I decided to go to counseling. We also each received individual counseling. Through that process, I came to my own decisions and chose to stay with my husband. I am very glad I made this decision. I won't say things are perfect, but we are still a family. My dh is a good father, and has made every attempt to become well.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you're not alone. I wish there were easy answers for this type of problem, but I've learned it's anything but easy. All I can add is, my family is together and we're doing so much better than we were a few years ago when all this surfaced. My dh needed to work through some heavy issues that led to his addiction. I have to wonder if this would have ever happened if I hadn't discovered his secret life. He has worked hard to deal with these issues and I truly believe he is happier and healthier.
You will be in my prayers, Anon. ((HUGS))
I have very mixed feelings about this situation but I truly hope that this works out to the best possible outcome for you and your family. If you are who I think you are, you are an amazing woman and deserve a man that treats you that way. If your dh can do that with the help of counseling, I applaud your commitment to him. Both of you will be in my prayers.
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