Ok well this is going to sound like rambling but I am lost right now with life so I am not sure how to word any of this. So sorry ahead of time...

I love my husband but I do not like him and I love my kids but I do not want to be a mom anymore. I feel like I am not good enough for my DH or good enough as a mother. I seem to either be fighting with my DH or yelling at my kids all of the time and if that is not happening it is because I have put myself in my room alone or I have left to be alone.

We fight all of the time he has a temper and I cry or yell. Yesterday was the final straw. He got mad and sent a box of stuff next to him flying across the room in this box was a very heavy crystal type candle holder that decided to fall on my large toe so it is now broken. I then told him to just leave I no longer wanted t deal with it like this anymore so he left and just came how a few hours ago. When he came home he says that he is sorry and knows he has a problem and he is going to get help. SAnd that we have problems and he wants to fix them. I told him I thought it was too late to fix anything that I was tired of everything.

Yesterday morning after the fighting started I left alone and honestly just thought of never coming back I figured they would all be better off without me. I don't even feel like living anymore. I am miserable and unhappy and fat and lonely. Nothing makes me feel better and nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

I do not have insurance so no counseling for me. My DH has it but not sure if we can do marriage counseling or not with me not on his insurance.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I am tired of being tired and I am sick of being depressed. I hate my life and I hate the thought of another day coming along. I just don't know what to do next.

I know what you are all going to say get him out make him stop make some rules get help. I know that is what needs to be done but it is easier said then done right now. He has no where he can go and I do not know if I could handle being alone with the kids with the way I am feeling right now. It all just seems really hopeless to me.

By Rayelle on Sunday, March 16, 2008 - 07:34 pm:

I am so sorry you are dealing with this anon. I know what it is to not have insurance and have mental health issues. When you are in the depression state it is very easy to think " I have no insurance so I can't get help". I've been that way before. It depends on where you live but there are counselors who charge on a sliding scale. I have a local doctor who charges on a sliding scale and was able to get a script for prozac, which is $4 at walmart. It didn't work for me, but might for you. I highly suggest calling yor local health department, pulling out your yellow pages and look for counseling ads that mention charging on a sliding scale, call and find out if you can get marrige counseling covered and if you feel worse call the suicide hotline! It's free and sometimes talking it out helps. Depression has a domino effect on everything. For me at times picking up the phone was too much. If need be get your dh or a trusted friend to call around for you about the counseling sessions. (((((HUGS))) If I think of anything else I'll add later and please feel free to email me.

By Anonymous on Sunday, March 16, 2008 - 08:02 pm:

Ditto Rayelle. You sound depressed, I've been there before, wondering if my children would be better off if they didn't live with me, thinking I couldn't do a good enough job. I went to a family doc first, got a script for Celexa, after having avoided SSRIs because I'd tried many without luck, and am a million times better. Please try to seek some help, so you don't have to struggle alone. ((((Hugs))))

By Melissa on Sunday, March 16, 2008 - 08:29 pm:

I can hear how overwhelmed you are right now, and when you think of all that is wrong all at once it seems there is no fix. You say yourself that you are depressed and since you admit that, try to think of it as a health issue, because it is. It isn't your fault and it is affecting how you think and feel. You do need to get help. Rayelle had great suggestions. There are counselors who take a sliding scale payments and starting with your family doctor is a good idea. Try to be good to yourself and give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can right now, when you feel better you'll do better.
Try to just take small steps if it is too overwheming. Tomorrow just call a Dr. and get an appointment. Try to take a walk, drink more water, not that that will cure anything but sometimes when we feel bad we stop doing the little selfcare things that do affect our well being. Good luck, you aren't alone. Everyone if they are honest has or will have, a time in their life where they need some counseling and maybe meds. Let us know how you are doing.

By Dana on Monday, March 17, 2008 - 07:55 am:

I like what Rayelle said about getting someone you trust to do the leg work for you.

When you are depressed, motivating yourself to make phone calls is just another moutain that you may be unable to climb right now.

Do you have a friend you can trust? Can you tell them how you feel and ask them to help with those first steps of contact and setting an appt?

Once you take that first step out of the downward spiral it will give you a tiny boost to make another step.

By Rayelle on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 12:09 pm:

Just checking in to see how you are feeling.