I am going Anon on this because I make mention of my teenage dd's mental health issues and I feel she deseves some privacy...I hope that is OK.


My oldest dd was on a competition cheerleading team from 3rd grade - 8th grade. Last year it was getting to be really nasty---by nasty I mean the parents and girls were catty (sp) and just down right mean if you were part of the "in' group. The coach didn't do anything about it mostly because she was friends with the group of "nasty" parents. It majorly took a toll on dd and we had to pull her from the team towards the end of the season. This did not make the coach or the "in" group parents happy at all (they still had a few competitions left in the year) But we had to do what was right for our dd...it was making her a mess....she is bipolar and this was really pushing her over the edge.
Now a year later with meds and weekly counseling session we feel we have a better handle on her mental health and she would really like to get back into cheerleading. The problem is that the cheer coach at her high school is the same coach that she had at the private studio last year. This coach was really nasty to dh when he told her of our decision to pull our dd from the team. Also many of those same girls/parents from the private studio will be trying out (and likely making) the high school team. Our first instict is to just leave it alone and dd is less than thrilled that she may have to deal with these people on a daily basis again but she is very sad to think that because of few immature adults who give their children permission to be mean and nasty that she may not have the experience of being a high school cheerleader...somethng she really does want to do.

So---my question is....does she try out even though it has the potential to be a repeat of the previous years as far as girls and parents behavior? They take a total of 65 girls (there are around 2,000 total students at this school) so if she did make the team it is possible that there will be non studio girls that also make the team that would befriend her. The studio girls already made snide comments about/to her at the meeting last week so she knows that they would not "accept" her back. That is what worries me is that those bad apples will turn others.
Am i just being paranoid--over protective???? What would you do?

By Tarable on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:02 pm:

I personally think that this is a decision that your dd needs to make the call on. If she wants it bad enough to take accept all the potential bad with the good possibilities then I think you should let her do it. But I also think that you should discuss ALL the things that could happen because of it.. Make a list of pros and cons and let her think it out. She is old enough to understand all of it and make the decision and also you might have her bring it up in her weekly counseling session.

But as I said this is just my opinion and something to think about.

Good luck and Hugs for you and your dd.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:20 pm:

Yikes, that could really be stressful. I think the parents need to grow up, as well as the nasty girls.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:28 pm:

I think you may both be right...Dawn---they absolutely do need to grow up. I always felt like I was back in Junior High...I really didn't care for junior high the first time around. LOL

Tara--I think you may be right..it is her decision. I try to protect her as much as I can because of her issues but at the same time I keep saying i want her to be able to function without me. Duh...that means I have give up some of the control. I am so worried about what will happen to her emotional state if it is as bad as we think it *could* be BUT I wasn't factoring in her weekly counseling that she had now and didn't have before. The whole purpose of which is to help her deal with her emotions.

Thanks for pointing out the obvious to me. :-)

By Vicki on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:29 pm:

I agree that if this is high school your talking about, your dd is old enough to make the decision. I would think long and hard about it before deciding either way. I would not want to have to pull her from it again. I was in cheerleading from 8 years old through my senior year and honestly, someone leaving is a huge deal for the rest of the squad to deal with. I am sure you know that. I would not want to have to do that again. I would make sure she knows she is either in or out.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:42 pm:

Maybe i am just not cut out to be the parent of a cheerleader because my daughter being suicidal and needing hospitalizatin for it meant far more to me than how much of a "big deal" her leaving was for the rest of the squad. In my mind it is just like any other sport...just a game...her life is her life.....

Just for the record ----SHE did not make the decision to leave the team last year this is something that my dh and I did so making sure she knows she is either in or out is really not relevant and she wants to be in 100% it was a decision we made for her health at that point in time.

By Melanie on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 03:55 pm:

I agree that it should be her decision. But I think you are wise to be so cautious. The coach and the other girls obviously are harboring a great deal of resentment over her leaving last year. Granted, you did what absolutely needed to be done. But they clearly don't see it that way. I wonder if the coach would even give her a fair shot at the tryout considering her reaction to your daughter leaving the squad.

Good luck. I really hope it all works out for your daughter. (((HUG)))

By Bemerry84 on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 04:19 pm:

First off I have to thank God I have boys. I have seen these teenage mean/nasty girls in action. Shame on the coach for acting that way. My experience with my sons coaches is they have all been great guys and would put the emotional needs of the child first, sure they want to win but a suicidal child is a different story.

Personally I would let her try out and see what the outcome is. If she doesn't make it and you think she was not treated properly you can go to the principal and then on to the school board if necessary. If she makes the team and God forbid her emotional state makes a turn for the worse and she needs to quit again, so be it, it's not the end of the world for the team, I'm assuming they have alternates to fill in. Our school is half the size of yours and we also have a sideline cheer squad for football and basketball, if you have that maybe this would be a better fit for her since it's not highly competitive and she would still have fun.

Good Luck to you and your daughter. You are doing an awesome job of parenting.

By Debbie on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 04:27 pm:

Well, if your daughter was suicidal over it, and you know it has the potential to be the same type of situation, then I wouldn't let her do it! Is there any other organization that she can cheer for?

My 10 yr. old ds was in a very BAD situation with baseball. He had a coach that, in my opinion, was verbally abusive to the boys. We pulled ds off the team. If it would have been his decision, he would have continued playing because he loved the kids he was playing with. Dh and I decided, as his parents, that it was our responsibility to do what we knew was best for him. We have since found a new team for ds, the coach is wonderful, and he has a few friends on the team. He now understand why we did what we did.

I know your daughter is in high school, and at the point where she needs to start making decisions for herself. However, since it was so bad before, I don't think it is worth it to put her back in potentially the same situation. Sometimes, we as parents, need to step in and make decisions when it can be harmful to our dks.

If the same coach, and kids are involved, I don't know how things would be different. In fact, since she left before, I think it has the potential to be even worse. Why put your dd through that?

By Yjja123 on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 04:39 pm:

I do understand both sides (as far as your pulling her). Certainly you had to do what was right for your daughter. I do know that when you compete with X amount on the team, even having 1 missing puts a kink in the entire program. This is certainly the case in my daughter's dance competition group. We sign a contract that we will participate 100% and if she misses even 1 event she will be out.

I imagine that since it is a high school team, as opposed to a competition team, they have the ability to be more lenient. School teams are a different scenario than competition groups (outside of school).

If she is committed to trying out, I would let her. She is attending counseling and will have a support system through it all. Girls can be mean and you cannot shield her from that. They have to learn to ignore the cattiness. Didn't we all learn that lesson growing up?

By Rayelle on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 05:01 pm:

I was a cheerleader in high school and I wasn't friends with one of them. It was hard since you spend so much time with the girls and there was more than one day I wanted to quit because of their nastiness. I wish I could go back and just enjoy the cheerleading part of it and make it be more fun and not care about those girls. But that is of course easy to say as an adult. If she is in counseling and her mental health is better and she wants to try out I think she should. I would just keep an extra close eye on her that she doesn't start hiding her drastic feelings from you should they return.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 05:21 pm:

Thank you for all the responses. I guess what irritates me about the situation is that if we had to take her out because of a "legitimate illness" then I feel the reaction would have been different with the team coaches and possibly even here. I have legitimate illness in quotes because it seems like a lot of people don't see mental illness as legitimate...like it is something shamefull and can be controlled if the person afflicted just tried. It isn't and it can't... without appropriate medication and therapy she has no more control over her mental state than my mother in law has over her cancer but yet if she had a "real disease" instead of a mental breakdown I can't help but think she would have received compassion instead of ---Well that does make it hard on the rest of them----

It just makes me sad that that type of attitude exists and I want to protect her from it but I realize I can't...it is just hard to let go. Right now we are leaning towards If she decides it is really what she wants to do then we are going to support that but try and stay very involved on the parent/bosster side so that we can keep a watch on things but not be overbearing. :-)

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 06:04 pm:

I think that since your daughter is in counseling, maybe you and your dd should meet together with the counsel and discuss this. In the end, though she is 16, because she is your child it is your decision. But, you quite properly want it to be her decision.

I agree, the coach was way out of line.

I agree wholeheatedly with you about the attitudes about mental illness. It's just an awful shame that people don't take mental illness seriously and treat it like any other illness.

By Kaye on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 06:22 pm:

I just have to say that I wouldn't make any decision like this without talk to my counselor. It is like taking an alcoholic to a bar. Your daughter has a illness, you cannot just live life without taking that into consideration.

I will say though, you are right if there was a "legitimate illness" you might have been treated differently. But part of that is simply I am sure you didn't disclose your illness with the parents and many other things you would have. If she had hurt herself, she probably would have still attended events, if she had cancer she also would have tried to be around. The situation is simply, you didn't like the moms, your dd didn't click with the girls and that led to issues with her illness.

I personally wouldn't touch it with a 10ft pole. There are lots of great sports that I am sure she could excell at where the girls aren't so catty. Sometimes you are in the in group, sometimes you aren't, sometimes people are mean, but you have to get away from them.

By Luvn29 on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 06:44 pm:

I don't think anyone here is discounting her illness. I think they are simply saying that it does put a strain on the group when a member has to drop out. Therefore, if you don't think she will be able to stick with it, she shouldn't get involved again and risk having to quit in the middle of the season.

I would feel the same way whether she had a weak knee or any other illness. If she doubts she will be able to stick with it, she shouldn't start it.

My bil is bipolar to the point that he has tried committing suicide and has even had my own sister locked up in jail for false accusations. I understand mental illnesses.

Personally, I don't see how there is any question. Nothing has changed about the circumstances that will improve things this time. In fact, I could just about bet things will be worse this go round since she had to quit last time. Is cheering at the school really worth risking her mental health again? Maybe there are personally owned and run competition dance groups she can get involved with in your area.

By Melissa on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 07:07 pm:

Based on the size of your school you must live somewhere pretty big. Is there another competitive cheer studio she could join? So she could still Cheer? I know it wouldn't be the same as H.S. but considering the situation. If the coach behaves like you say, I can't imagine it won't be a year full of problems, but it should be up to your dd and with that many kids she should be able to have plenty of friends on the team. My dd is on a competitive Cheer team and though her coach is great and we have had a good experience - she is only on youth but I can well imagine what it gets like on a senior squad. Good Luck!!!

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 07:38 pm:

Kaye -- I take offense to your statment that seems to implies that you have complete knowledge of the situation, my daughter and her illness.

---You said "The situation is simply, you didn't like the moms, your dd didn't click with the girls and that led to issues with her illness."

I have received some very helpful advice over all and I appreciate that.

By Vicki on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 07:50 pm:

I am not saying that you did the wrong thing at all by pulling her out. I know I would have done the same thing. You also didn't mention in your first post that it went as far as her being suicidal and needing hospitalization for it.

Honestly, with that being the case and it being the same coach and the same girls, I think I would be trying to talk her out of doing it. If the girls mentioned something to her already about it, there is nothing there that would make me feel anything would be different this time.

I am sorry that I made you feel bad about pulling her out. It wasn't my intention. Like I said, I would have done the same thing. But I was also on the other side of it at one time and I know that all of our routines, dances and cheers were made up and done for a certain number of girls. If someone would have dropped out, it would have caused everything to be changed in just about every routine. From my experience, it isn't like someone quitting baseball or football that you can keep the same plays and just put another body in there. Also, we did not have alternates or anything like that who could just step right in and take over. There were 12 girls and that was it.

By Kate on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 07:55 pm:

I wouldn't let her do it. I hope it all works out for you all.

By Vicki on Thursday, March 6, 2008 - 07:57 pm:

And just to be clear, I do have sympathy and compassion for those that have mental illness. My own dd went though a rough time in 4th grade and lost weight and had to go to counseling and all of that. So I do have first hand experience with it. She lost weight and was getting close to needing to go into the hospital and have a feeding tube. So don't think I don't understand it.

By Kaye on Friday, March 7, 2008 - 08:05 am:

I guess what I was trying to say is that yes you had big issues with your daughter, but there was a lot of stuff that happened. Instead of being upfront and being simple and stating the issue, I get the feel that after issues you eased out and people probably have no clue. Yes maybe you told the coach or a select few. I don't know what happened, but I have followed your post. If you had said in your first post, my daughter is bipolar had a bad experience on her competive cheer team, she was suicide. Now after a year she was to join again, what would you do? But your approach is more subtle.

I wouldn't mess with it. My daughters health would come first. Suicide and severe depression isn't something to mess around with it. Were there other factors besides the cheerleading leading to this. I stand by my original statement, talk to your counselor, who hopefully knows the whole story. But you asked what would I do. I wouldn't do it.

I am sorry if I offended you. This just doesn't seem to be that complex. If you could step away from your emotions I think you would see that. But it is hard to that if you are worried about your daughters feelings and her health.

By Debbie on Friday, March 7, 2008 - 08:34 am:

I see what Kaye is saying. You are irritated because you think she was treated differently by these people because her reason for leaving is a mental illness. And, you have every right to be upset by this. But, do the people involved even know it was a mental illness that led to your daughter leaving, or do they think she dropped out because of her issues with the other girls? I think people are trying to explain why these people are acting the way they did to your daughter. Not saying it makes it right. But, they probably don't know the whole story, just like we didn't at first. If the coaches do know everything, and they still treated your daughter this bad, then I would not want my daughter anywhere near them. Yes, your daughter is going to have to deal with mean, ugly people. But, why put her in a position that she has to, when you have a choice about it. And, since she will be cheering at school. If something happens, and she drops out again, what kind of fallout will she have to deal with at school?? I too, would follow Ginny and Kaye's advise, and talk to her counselor.

And, like you said, this is just a sport, your daughter's life is her life.

By Rayelle on Friday, March 7, 2008 - 09:33 am:

I completely agree with you about mental illness. It's been a major part of my life. My mother is living with depression possibly bipolar disorder, my son is living with ADHD and I personally have experienced depression, suicidal thoughts from medication and I believe I have had some minor manic episodes. My dh also has panic and anxiety attacks.In my case this is what inspired me to go to school to become a psychologist. With mental illness so many are quick to judge and it isn't always taken as seriously as it should be. I agree with you some people think you can just "snap out of it",or pop a pill, so not true. While I am not saying I understand your exact situation I do understand the stress of a loved one having to deal with these issues. It's especially tricky with teenagers when they just want to feel like they are like everyone else. (I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13.) It's also a fine line to walk because you need to watch out for her as well as not let her life be defined by her illness, such as this cheering situation. Hugs to both of you. I'd like to know what you decide on.