If you are/were a SAHM, who took/takes care of YOU???
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2008:
If you are/were a SAHM, who took/takes care of YOU???
My husband and I are having a major argument tonight. It's the third time he's said he's coming home at 6pm and I don't hear a phone call until 6:30. He arrived at 7pm. Tonight, he was trying to get a copier to work. I've asked him, repeatedly, and shown I was upset that he didn't call and this was the last straw. If it were a meeting, he'd call his boss to say he'd be late. I'm so hurt. I don't feel he respects my time.
I've been upping my tutoring hours to 8 hrs a week with the kids but my prep time for one kid is about 10 hours a week because it's an online course. So, I'm teaching and tutoring now. He has to graduate and his final is coming up soon.
So, I've asked DH to help more around the house. Right now, he does the dishes 3 times a week and takes out the trash. (Mind you, he travels for weeks at a time now with his new job...not thrilled, can you tell???) So, his time at home, I'd like more help. (He spent 3 weeks in Utah and he'll be leaving for New Orleans for 2 weeks soon.) He does TWO chores at home and does nothing more unless asked. So, he had the audacity to say, "So, you want me to do 50% of the chores after I've worked all day?" Uh, yeah. I do 95% and you don't think *I* work?
I also feel he doesn't take any leadership roles at home. He comes home, helps with Connor's night routine, then watches t.v. He took Connor out on Sunday for a few hours but he took him to a restaurant so he could watch basketball. Sometimes I feel he can be very self-revolving. I wouldn't take Connor to a place so I could watch Desperate Housewives...??? I mentioned he could go to Barnes N Noble and let him play with the choo choo set, or something that revolves around Connor...not him.
Ever since his deployment, I've found it harder and harder to get him to be a leader at home. I see my mom 5 days a week, do her laundry twice a week, listen to the nurses talk about her schizophrenic episodes, take her to get haircuts and milkshakes, and on top of all that...I take care of my son and husband. I don't feel taken care of and feel I could self implode any day now.
The other day, he said "I want to take you on a date!" (This is when he got home from Utah.) I said, "I'm free this Friday" and I even sent him an email to remind him to ask him mom to watch Connor. Friday came and went and not another mention of it.
I called his mom today and asked her to watch Connor so I can take him out on a date this Friday. But, again, I'm planning, I'm doing, etc etc.
VENTING 
This happened to my mom and after 35 years of being married to my dad she divorced him.she was tired of taking care of him.and noone taking care of her.
I think a lot of us feel this way.I have read other posts by you over the years. I think you have a good marriage. I do believe the problems you are mentioning are common to many of us. I know I deal with MANY of the same ones. My husband helps. He help less and less as the years pass. He mentions quite a bit that he does work two jobs and that I am the one who stays at home, and that it was my choice to stay at home etc..I do believe some men(Not saying all)have this sense of "entitlement"...meaning they feel they work, they support the house/family, they "don't" have to help out much. I am talking about the families where the wife is a stay at home mom,not a two parent working family.
Sorry I have no advice, just wanted to add I think it is more common then we realize.
You have a lot on your plate, and I am sorry your husband does not see you do need somebody to take care of you as well.
Same stuff happens here, too. My husband's only job is to take out the trash. I do everything else. I asked him to help out more, and he said the day I got a full time job is the day he'd help with the chores. You can imagine my reaction! It's an ongoing thing with us. I do recognize he works hard, blah, blah. I know he's tired at the end of the day. But he sure always has time for the ball game!
And let's not even get started talking about when we are sick. We are still expected to do everything, right? Sheesh! Like #2 Anon said, it's more common than we realize.
If you find a solution, please let me know. In the meantime (HUGS).
this is the first anon poster and i had to add that my mom isn't or wasn't a sahm so she did it all the 40 hour week and then some.
My dh does the same not calling thing and it drove me nuts.
I have even given him the exact same speech about how rude it is and if I were a client and he was running late he would call me, so why is a client so much more important blah blah blah..... He has gotten better over the years, but he still does it more often than I like. Honestly, I got so tired of getting mad about it I gave up. I no longer get mad about it or honestly even say anything about it. If he is here when dinner is ready great. If not, we eat and he warms it up. If he doesn't care that he misses dinner and has to warm it up, I am not going to let it bother me either!! I guess I finally just let it go as one of the battles I was not willing to fight.
Who takes care of you, YOU do!! If he isn't willing to spoil you a bit, do it for yourself. Find a sitter and go out and so something YOU want to do!
If I had a dollar for every time Gary predicted a time he would be home and then he didn't make it, I'd be rich! Of course, sometimes he was calling from work and then something would come up, etc. I've basically learned to take his predictions with a grain of salt. I think sometimes he predicted a "sooner" time, just so it sounded better.
He does do laundry, loads the dishwasher, keeps the lawnmower/snowblower running, maintains the cars, etc, so he has enough to do.
I will celebrate my 16th anniversary next week. I will say that marriage can just be like this. There are times I feel like I am the one who does all the work and it is frustrating and a little demeaning.
However when I cool off and step back I see this. He does work a 50+ hour job, they pay him well to do so. What ever side job I may or may not have, does not really contribute to our household, but it is more like fun money (my fun money). Ultimately if I wanted help, I could get a part time job and hire a maid  Really my husband has no jobs at the house, I do the lawn, pay the bills, do the cooking and clean the house. He is willing to do whatever I ask, but he would never think to do a chore without being asked, they are off his radar.
So how do I get "filled", first I found some great friends. I go to lunch with them 2-3 times a week, guilt free. Once a month I go to a movie with a friend during school hours, I play tennis, I scrapbook with a group 3 times every two month, two daytimes and 1 evening.
As for my husband. I know he loves me, I know he is there anytime I need him, he is great support for when life happens to me or one of my friends. He also doesn't complain about housework. And like yesterday, I wasn't feeling great, just a cold. But I read a book all day. He doesn't look down on me for that. However, when I need him to do something, I simply just have to ask. I would say, we need a date, and I need you to make plans. I have a sitter, you do the rest. Honestly he probably just doesn't see that you are getting burned out, he just appreciates that you are getting things done.
I also found that women like me, pretty confident and goal setting, either have husbands that let the wife take the reins, or they butt heads constantly. So although I get tired of the reins, I am happy when we aren't fighting.
As for connor. I will just say, you can't make men think like women. His relationship will be different than yours, he will do different things and connor will learn to like different things because Daddy likes them. You just have to let him do it his way, it isn't wrong, it is just different.
Ditto Vicki. I take care of myself!
As far as him coming home late without calling, my dh used to do this a lot, but he has gotten much better. Most of the time when he is late, he will call. But, on those occasions when he doesn't, I do exactly what Vicki does, we eat dinner, and I make him a plate. He warms it up when he gets home.
As far as doing things around the house, things are a little different now because my dks are school age. I do more because I have more time during the day. Back in the hecic days of toddlers and crazy days, I sat dh down with a list of all the things I did during the day(basically my daily schedule with the kids). I also had a list of all the additional things(chores) that had to be done around the house. I think it was a big eye opener for dh to actually SEE everything that I did during the day, and too SEE what else had to be done around the house. We then, divided up the chores. He then knew what I was doing, and what he had to do. Now that both my dks are in school, I do the inside of the house, and he takes care of the outside. He does do the dishes each night, and he takes out the trash. We both help with baths, and do bedtime with our dks. He also helps me with cooking, and daily stuff on the weekends.
If you haven't, I would also sit down, and tell him what you need, not what he isn't doing. And, if you feel you need some time for yourself, hire a babysitter, and do something you like.
Unfortunately, being a SAHM is usually a very thankless job. But, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love being home with my dks. And, the best reward for me was when my 10 yr old told me last week that he felt sorry for our neighbor that goes home to an empty house after school. His mom works. Ds said he was so happy I am home after school each day!
Wow, Kaye! Excellent post!
I'm going to make a lot of enemies here! But I want to throw something else out there!
If we are SAHM, what is the job that we tell our husbands we do? You guys know what I'm talking about. He says he works all day, and we say so do we! So what is that work we do? Especially if we don't want to do all of the chores at home...
If our children are home, we take care of them. But how many of us actually are physically doing something for them for the entire 8-10 hours that our husbands are on the job away from home? Most of us either have kids in school, or in daycare or a playgroup for a few hours, or that take naps for up to three hours a day... You see what I'm saying.
So if we don't include housework as part of the job we are doing, what exactly are we doing? And NO I am not saying that taking care of the kids isn't a full-time job. It's tough and demanding, and we don't get sickdays. But I know myself, I don't consider taking care of my children work. I chose to have children and I love taking care of them.
So to me, IF I am not doing the housework, and expecting my husband to come home and do half of it, he is entitled to say "you want me to work a full-time job out of the home and then come home and do half of the housework, too?" His boss isn't taking a three hour nap. Even when his boss is gone for a few hours, he is still having to do the work.
This is not to say he shouldn't help some. But I feel that if I am a sahm, then I should be taking on most of the work load. It just seems fair.
Now Heidi, you do have a different situation than most of us. You are also taking care of your mother. So you do deserve some extra help. But if Scott is having to travel a lot, then I'd say he looks forward to some down time when he gets home. You just can't relax and unwind in a hotel room like you can at home. And also, those who have disabled children, either mentally or physically, or both, are in totally different situations, too.
I feel like as women, we take on too much that doesn't have to be done. The house doesn't have to be perfect. All the laundry does not have to be done at all times. There CAN be clean dishes in the dishwasher sometimes. We can say NO to outside requests.
If you think about it, if all we did at home were the chores and taking care of the kids, that would be our full-time job as a sahm. It's all of the other demands in life, projects we take on, being president of the PTA, baking 100 cookies for a bake sale, etc, that make our life unbearable at times. I think if we would stop doing some of the things that did not either contribute to our immediate household or personally make us happy, we would be happier at home and in our marriage.
Of course, this does not mean that husband shouldn't help us out, but I think expecting them to have to do half of the chores is a little high myself.
I take care of myself. Ditto Kaye for the most part on her post. Dh works 5 days, and is on call 24/7. He also has a hellish commute into Boston every day and he does cook dinner for him and I every night, but I think that is how he relaxes. I do not mind doing everything around the house and yard, if I need help with something I just tell him or the kids and they do it.
I do think you have WAY to much on your plate right now. I think you need to cut something out, and obviously that can't be your mom or Connor so I would either hire someone to come in and help with the housework or cut back on the tutoring. Can you get a respite care for your mom? Someone to take her for her haircuts or to appointments? I did take care of my fil 24/7 and at the same time had an exchange student living with us, I did not have much help and even when someone offered to help with my fil, they didn't really understand the amount of care that was required, so I do know how overwhelming it all feels. I am sure that your dh has no clue that your about to lose your mind over the stress you are feeling. So if I were you, I would cut back on the tutoring and see if that helps a bit.
I agree with Colette. You do have a lot you are dealing with. Have you thought about having someone come in and clean once a week?
Well, said Kaye. DITTO
OOPS didn't read LUV29. I totally agree with Luv29.
I also forgot to add to my post that what he did with Connor for their Sunday out....... it might not have been your idea of what Connor should do or would want to do, but I am willing to bet that Connor had a good time. If he wasn't having fun, dh wouldn't have been having fun either and it would not have been a very long trip out! LOL
They will do things that are different and develop their own things to do together. And I also think it is a good thing that Connor doesn't always do things that revolve around him. It will teach him what dh enjoys and they will likely develop the interest together. It will also help him to understand that the world doesn't always revolve around him and what he wants to do. You and Connor will have things you do together that you both enjoy and dh and him will have things. He can have fun doing both!!
I think you need to give dh credit for the things he does do. When he comes home from work and helps with Connors nightly routine...dh used to do that too and that is when I did some of my house things I didn't get done during the day. He didn't look at dd's night routine as work, it was fun for him and that is when they got some quality time together. So when dh got home from work, he basically took over care for dd and it gave me time for some of the "chores" I didn't get done during the day. By the time dd went to bed, I was done with my "chores", they had spent time together and we then had our alone time!
I do think of running the house as my job. To the point where my hubby will say "let me do some things". He does all the yard work but I try to do everything in the house.
He works over 70 hours a week. I feel it is vital that, when he is home, he can just be with us.
When I am sick, things still get done. The kids pitch in (more than usual) and hubby will take over meal prep, etc.
I do not have as much on my plate as you do. I agree with everyone that you might consider help.
You need to make time for yourself.
((((hugs))))
Ditto Kaye and Adena. Everyone is different, so every marriage will look different, but when I was a SAHM, I felt that the home was mostly my job. I was/am our "home manager!" Now, when my kids were small, my dh was building his company and would put in upwards of 15 hours a day. It was difficult, but you just do what you have to do. As others have said, you take care of yourself. Now, after 21 years of marriage, I am reaping the benefits of my earlier sacrifices. Very often, my dh will express his gratitude about me supporting him all these years. But, like I said, we're all different, and you have to work out what works best in your marriage.
Also, I think your dh taking Connor to a restaurant to watch a basketball game was great. I learned to let my dh have his own kind of relationship with the kids, and Connor will love his time with his dad more if your dh is doing something he loves.
One more thought...I think of my sil..she complains that her dh doesn't take a leadership role in their family, but I don't see how he can. She insists that everything be done her way, and the poor guy hears about it every time he does something "wrong." If I were treated that way, I would do the same thing he has done, back away and not attempt to do anything. I'm not saying that's what is going on here, but I do think women can be that way without even realizing it.
Luvn29,
You have just written my husband's entire argument.
One thing I find quite funny in an ironic kind of way is that if I go out to the grocery store, for example, and I go alone, leaving the boys with Dh, by the time I come back, he has this look of relief on his face. He will be the first to admit that he can't handle my "job" so why then, does he raise a big stink that I don't work? Or that I'm not physically active the entire time he's gone at work and I'm with the kids?
And one more thing, when I was working full time in the beginning of our marriage, he still didn't pitch in much. His only job then was to unload the dishwasher. That's it!
So we end up in circles with the argument and I go out and buy myself a piece of jewelry at Target for (gasp) $7.99 or I go online and buy me a new dress (on clearance) from my favorite catalog store. And that's how I pamper myself! LOL
I have a mature 3 1/2 yr old (meaning she needs little 'care' from me anymore as far as needs go) and work about 6-8hrs/week out of the home. DH works 40 hrs/week with zero travel. I feel like I'm responsible now as a SAHM for the house and everything that goes with it, along with quality time with dd everyday. I'm very organized and my kid isn't high maintenance, so I actually am finding over the last 6 mths or so that I have too much free time and I hate that. DH works hard and I work hard, I just have more 'down' time. We both appreciate what the other does. If he didn't support my decision to stay home, I couldn't be here and it's the only place I want to be. We have a lot of free time each evening after dd goes to bed - at least 3 hours, usually more. That's a big time for us to either choose to do something together or our individual free time/hobbies. DH does anything that I ask him to (which isn't much because honestly why would I since I have the time), and helps out on his own. He cleans up after dinner once or twice/week, takes care of repairs, or like I said, anything that needs to be done 'in the moment' so-to-speak. (my dogs are in a barking match with the neighbor dog, the phone is ringing, Nat just spilled her milk all over the floor - he's right there pitching in for example). He offers for me to go do something on my own (out of the house), asks me on dates, and thanks me for everything. He has taught me how to say 'thank you' for things that in growing up were just overlooked because you're "supposed" to do them. It's not like that for us. In turn, I fix him pancakes on the weekend because I know he loves it and tells me so, and occasionally I'll take Nat out for a few hours on the weekend so he can do whatever he wants.
It took a while after having a child to get the feel for what each of us was wanting, and our share of 'discussions' (LOL, read "fights" ), but it comes down to appreciating what the other does. I'm starting to forget what it was like to get up at 6am every morning and LOOK and be READY to perform at my job. I can clean my house in my jammies if I choose, but when I worked I had to look good and be on the ball everyday from start to finish. He sometimes forgets what it's like to be ALONE a lot and not have the mental stimulation. He has had Nat here a couple of weekends when I was out of town with my sister and I don't worry one single bit. He's the only person I leave her with that doesn't worry me. But when I get home, he doesn't stop telling me how much he appreciates what I do here because he actually took a turn and did it all weekend. Then he follows through with that by helping out all the rest of the time.
That was long and involved, but really it's about REALLY appreciating what the other one does. If you both do that, we have found that there's not too many arguments about it, hurt feelings, or the feeling of being taken for granted or overworked.
The best eye-opener is a weekend away and your DH is left alone with everything. Is that a possibility? I also ditto others who said drop some tutoring or hire a maid, but that's not always an option financially so that's an individual choice.
It takes so much work to have a happy marriage! I happen to have a really great DH in this area, so I have no complaints, but I understand how things can get out of whack. I'm sure your DH needs some down time after traveling, but he has to understand your situation as well. It's so give and take, but when you're always giving I'm sure you feel burnt out.
We have free sitters here with grandparents, so when I want a day to myself, I just take it and do whatever I want. DH insists on it, and when I complain that I'm not getting enough time away from the house without dd, he reminds me to take a day and I do. I have one day a month, without fail, where she spends the day at the sitter while I do what I want. I'm getting ready to increase my clientele because I have too much free time and I don't like it. It sounds like you're so busy with your mom and everything else, so dropping tutoring or getting a maid might just be your answer.
On the flip side though, if I were you I would be thinking WHY do I need to do that???!! Can't he help??!! So believe me I get that, but if it's going 'round and 'round and you're getting nowhere, then maybe it's the answer after all.
There's a FANTASTIC (and sometimes funny) book I read recently called "Babyproofing Your Marriage". I can't remember the author, but I know it's written by 2 women. It's a blueprint for how to keep things fair and balanced with regard to kids and responsibilities. I wish we'd read it togther the first year of parenthood, because reading it now I could laugh and say, "Yep, yep, I remember that, I remember that." It recommends that you write down exactly what you want from each other and then keep it accountable. It's a great read and I highly recommend it!
I'm also at a stage where I am finding myself with down time. After all these years of full on baby/toddler care it feels like a new stage in life lol! It's odd with 3 kids and being a full time college student but once I got my course work organized it really hasn't been too much work this semester. So far so good, but it doesn't look like I'll have papers all due the same time like has happened before. I think there is a BIG difference in staying at home therefore being the primary household chore person and being treated like a maid. I don't feel I should have to go pick up everyone's socks although I consider laundry my job, things like that. My dh doesn't know how to repair anything, I like mowing grass and I got in the habit of taking out the trash when he was pulling 80 hour weeks. There really isn't anything here designated as his "job" but he pitches in where needed. I take care of me. If I say I need time or a break he understands. I'm not sure what it'll be like this fall with dd in pre-k half the day. I'll have to pick up the course load I guess! Or a part time job maybe...
I fill that downtime, with knitting, and work! LOL!
I hear you Heidi!! Things were the same way when I was a SAHM. Now I'm not a stay at home mom and I'm living with my partner and I still feel like I do it. I got all upset the other day and said "It takes 7 to mess it up and only 1 cleans it!" He said "I help clean too...I was thinking...well I did laundry and cleaned all day Saturday and what did he do? He "cleaned" the yard. He spends an entire day outside messing in the yard and I don't see half that committment coming with the house! grrrrrrrr
p.s. I take care of "me"
You ladies are good of taking care of yourselves...I wish I were like that. I have a hard time planning things for *me* to do. I'm frugal like you wouldn't believe and I always feel there's something to do at home. Totally NOT the way to be, so you guys inspire me!
I do go to a women's Bible study on Tuesday nights which I love, but most weeks I can't go because Scott is gone and I have yet to start trusting a babysitter. (Scott's mom works still and is 45 minutes away.)
I also guess I'm still "mourning" my mother who used to take care of me and hold me when I cried. She doesn't do it anymore and once even took candy from Connor, so it's like the "old mom" doesn't exist. It is what it is and I have to take care of her now, which I love to do for the most part.
And, after all that...Scott got me some tickets to fly to Baton Rouge and then we're going to spend some time in New Orleans, by ourselves!!!!!!!!! He also did the dishes today, made the bed, and prepared Connor's breakfast...without me asking!!! Wonder how long it will last???
Ahhhh...you know, part of it is PLANNING that date night and having something to look forward to, you know? I have to get better at that.
Heidi,
I think you are just being too hard on yourself, and your dh right now. You guys have been through a lot of changes. Your dh started a new job, you moved, your are now the caregiver of your mother. I think you are just going through a rough time.
I used to have a really hard time finding time for myself. I felt selfish when I did. But, I have come to realize, no matter how good my marriage is, and how much I love my dh, I need girlfriend, and "me" time. I now have lunch once a week with 2 girlfriends, I find time to do things I love. If I have to put off doing some things at home, then so be it. If our bed doesn't get made one day, the world won't stop. I have also realized that the happier I am, the better mom and wife I make.
If there are things that you need dh to do right now, to help you through this time, tell him! Tell him what you are going through. I think woman, me included, sometimes expect our husbands to "know" what we need, and we get mad if they don't. They aren't mind readers, we really just need to tell them what we need. Most husband are more then willing to help, when we just ask.
Have fun in New Orleans. It sounds like just what you two need right now.
Heidi, I exactly hear what you are saying. When I lost my mom (10 years ago), I was pg, I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old. There is really nothing that compares to not having your mom to talk to. No one "get" the silly things we want to talk about and no one just nods and smiles like a mom. My father has a solution for my exhaustion as does my husband. My mother just had an open ear and love. That can't be replaced.
That being said, God really placed someone into my life to help with that. This dear friend was new to me and throughout the years we have really gone through some crap.
I had to learn to take care of myself. I still struggle. I struggle especially when I have working friends, strong type a (like i used to be) say things like, how can you not feel guilty? Oh I could never do that. But what I finally came down to is, what works for my and my husband isn't the same as everyone else. We are allowed to have our own game plan. And as long as he is happy with my choices then I should be. Really. It has taken a long time to get there. But when that happened and I started to really get involved, my world was so much better.
As for sitters, it is time to find one. With cell phones, you are always in reach. A babysitter can dial 911. When we relocated here, my hubby moved 2 months ahead of me. I hired a sitter every tuesday night so I could go to my Bible study. I deserve time, so do you. It is easier to use family, but as you know that just isn't always an option. There are great capable sitters.
(((Hugs))) You really are going through a lot right now. New Orleans will be great!! You really need some alone time. Ditto Kaye on finding a sitter. Maybe you would feel more comfortable finding an older lady from church or something at first?
Yes, you really do need to learn to take care of yourself, but I understand about not wanting to spend money on yourself, etc. I used to be like that, too. You have to, though!! If you don't care for yourself first, you will not have what you need to care for your family. It's not selfish...it's for your family. They deserve a healthy, relaxed, happy mommy and wife! (And find a sitter!!!!)
Heidi- I used to be just like you with regard to doing things for myself. I felt like there was always something I *should* be doing at home, even if it didn't *need* to be done. I felt VERY, VERY guilty for leaving my dd for an hour, let alone for real free time. I didn't do it for the longest time. I just got to a point where I realized, hey, I've given up a TON for this child, my house/things that need to be done will still be there tomorrow, and I deserve it! I was very self-indulgent before becoming a mother, but somehow afterward I just stopped. I think for me it was also a lot about financial independence. I knew that all those self-indulgent things I did pre-motherhood were on my own dime. It's silly, but afterward I started telling myself that every extra dime needed to go to the 'family' and not just to 'me', since I was already dropping my income from the 'family'. It's crazy the way our brains thinks sometimes.
I totally understand the babysitter thing as well. Honestly if we didn't live near family I'm sure things would be different for us/me. I agree that it probably has to be done, but I would probably suffer instead because I'm not sure I can do it.
You're going through a hard time with all the changes and your mom. {{{HUGS}}}
Heidi, I read this thread yesterday, and again this morning, and was thinking of my response. I do agree with much of what Kaye, Adena & others have said.
In addition, I pretty much believe that it's up to us to take care of ourselves - which means making time for ourselves, pampering ourselves, doing things to MAKE it possible.
I have worked outside the home since I was 16. I just *retired* 4 weeks ago. When my kids were young, I and my X both worked. For years we had 4 kids at home. My X did NOTHING except cut the grass. I did everything else. It was unfair, I was overwhelmed and stretched to the limit. I hated it at the time.
In recent years, with 2 older kids at home, and then one or both of them living away from home periodically, I was still the one who did pretty much everything. I've had the argument with X, and now DH, that if both of us work, both of us should be doing house/kid *chores*.
I did tell DH that once I was staying home, I had no problems with being solely responsible for the house, etc. Of course, I no longer have young kids.
But being a SAHM doesn't mean you DON'T work! It's a huge job and a huge responsibility. That doesn't relieve a husband/father from doing his part to help out because it's HIS family and HIS kids too.
You have had a lot to deal with on a regular basis for the last few years. I think you are going to have to take control and make things happen/work for you to pamper/take care of yourself. And it's not selfish to do that - it's a necessity. Value yourself and value the time YOU make to take care of yourself.
*Most* women/moms I know have the same complaint - that their DH's don't PLAN anything, and that it's up to them to plan things/time alone together, if they want them to happen. While it's frustrating to have to be the one who always does that, consider that if you do it, then you'll both reap the benefits.
And another thing that most of us probably have a hard time doing is to tell our men what we need/what we'd like them to do. Myself included. LOL In the past couple of years, I've made it a point to tell DH *You know, it would be a big help to me right now if you'd do ~~whatever~~* Or *I'd really appreciate it if you could ~~whatever~~. Or *I'd love to do ~~whatever~~, could you check into it?* And I ALWAYS tell him thank you. What I've found has happened in the last several months is, he's starting do more on his own without being asked, and it's been wonderful to see that happen. And I STILL always tell him that I appreciate it and I thank him.
There are different ways to ask men to help you/do things for you, you just have to find the way to get the point across to YOUR man. And remember YOU have the right to do things for yourself WITHOUT guilt. AS Michele said If you don't care for yourself first, you will not have what you need to care for your family. It's not selfish...it's for your family.
Finally - what will he be doing in New Orleans? How long with you be *down here*?
Heidi, I don't want this to come across as mean or anything, but is there a reason that you do all that for your mom? Isn't she in a nursing home? Why are you putting it on yourself to do her laundry and take her to hair appointments? Maybe homes are different in different areas, but my grandmother was recently in one and they did all that. They had a beauty shop right in the home that she could make appointments and go to. The nurses even took her to the appointments and back to her room. Isn't her care what your paying for by her being in the home? Could you free up a little of your time and responsibilities by letting them do some of those things and you could just be able to pop in for visits?
Yikes, I think I lucked out in this department. I didn't realize so many people go through this. DH pretty much always lends a helping hand when I need it and god forbid I get sick, he'll send me up to bed, clean the house and take off with the kids for the day. It wasn't always this way. There was that battle of whether or not SAHM's "work" in our household for a while there. I just gave DH more time with the kids/house while I did my thing with the girls and it didn't take long for him to realize I don't have time to sit on my butt! And that there a lot that I do that can't be seen. Quality time with the kids is more important than a clean house, although I still am a neat freak about the house.
I may do most of the chores during the week but SAHM's don't get weekends off. Dads do. Therefore chores are split 50/50 on the weekends. He hasn't complained yet. ;)
I know how you feel. I'm feeling stressed and alone right now too. DH is here, he doesn't travel for work like Scott. However, he is very depressed and I feel like I might as well be living alone!
As far as dates go...can't remember the last time I had one of those! We haven't had a night alone together in 7 years!
I am lucky b/c he helps out with the chores but only when asked. He doesn't complain, just doesn't have the initiative to do it without being asked.
Hugs to you!
Hey you guys!
Thanks for all your responses as I read them in detail...I hope I can answer all the questions as I'm taking a 15 min break from preparing my tutoring lesson for the day.
Vickie, as far as the hair appts and laundry go, they don't have a facility to do her hair there. And, the clothes *frequently* get lost and they can't take the stains out of the clothes like I can at home. She's constantly drinking hot chocolate and spills on everything. She drools a lot and I'm trying to get her to use a bib 24/7, but it just doesn't happen. She is also schizophrenic and freaks out periodically if we don't visit. She recently threw her shoes at her roommate. So...we visit often, which is fine because both her and Connor love it, but it can be taxing.
As far as New Orleans goes, we'll only be there for 2 days and he's there for work but he'll be off when I get there. Any cool places to go? I'm getting really excited!
Oh, and I have been telling Scott "Thank you" a lot more lately and he actually made the bed this morning, which was great. He stepped over the dirty laundry on the stairs that needed to be put in the washer, but he was helping get Connor started for breakfast, which is GREAT!! I think in that book, "5 love languages", it reveals that the love he shows me is through gifts of works. It really really means a lot!
PS- Regarding the trip he made with Connor to the sports bar...I do get frustrated that he will be left alone with Connor and just watch t.v. I'll leave for something and come back to the house and they're not interacting at all. Not like he has to all the time, but Scott tends to watch a lot of basketball, football, etc and Connor usually wants his attention. So, usually, he'll put Connor's ear phones on him and have him watch a movie even though he had already watched his 1 movie for the day. Just my opinion, but it happens often. Maybe when Connor gets older and joins soccer teams, etc they can do things together more often.
Heidi,
I know what you mean about the television. My husband is also into sports. ALL of them. He has to watch the games and I've learned that the games are not just an hour or two. There are timeouts and overtime and everything. Well, I figured when the kids came along, he'd scale back. Nope. He would do similar to what your husband does with Connor. So we talked about it. Now, he tapes the games and waits until the boys are in bed before he watches them. This has given them the opportunity to spend more time together and actually do stuff like wrestle. Do you think your husband would be willing to do that? As a possible selling point, you might tell him it would be like having unlimited instant replay.
I can't add anything to what has been said above by a lot of smart and caring women, except that you do have to take care of yourself. For one thing, as I say to women all the time - if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of anyone else.
I think you should look very hard for either a babysitter you can trust, or a part-time daycare situation you can trust. Connor is almost 3 years old, and I suggest you can safely leave him with a babysitter for a few hours once or twice a week.
As for your Mom, I understand that if you don't visit, her episodes increase in frequency and intensity. Have you talked with her doctor about meds? I don't like that some nursing homes over medicate so that residents are zombies, but this nursing home appears not to do that. Maybe some experimentation with meds would help your mom and reduce the frequency and intensity of her attacks.
When I saw the title of your post, the first thing that came into my mind was when my youngest was about 9 months old and I got the flu - vomiting, high fever, etc.. My ex, who has changed maybe 4 diapers in his life, couldn't cope. He was a consulting engineer at the time, and working out of the house. I spent about 4 days on the couch with the flu, and each time the 9 month old and 18 month old needed changing, he'd bring the baby/toddler to me to do the diaper changing. When they needed feeding, I'd get up and do the feeding - and the bathing, and dressing, and almost everything else. Thank heaven, my then 6-1/2 year old was very good about playing with the toddler to keep him occupied, and would amuse the 9 month old in the playpen. I don't know what would have happened otherwise, because my ex sure didn't pick up the ball.
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