DH and I have been back to discussing the subject of him getting a vasectomy. The last time we talked about it was right after Nathan was born and we pushed the idea away initially because we didn't want to make an extreme decision like that being we were tired, sleep deprived parents with a newborn and no end in sight. LOL Nathan will be 2 in June now so we're just discussing our options again. We both agree that we don't want another child, although we both do miss the newborn stage. We're ready to move onto that next step in life (aka- kids getting older, me getting back into a career, us dating {{gasp}} again, lol) that sorta stuff. So while i'm certain that we don't want any more CHILDREN i'm a bit sad knowing I can never have another BABY if this decision is made. Do any of you kwim? Have any of you had a permanent sterilization (either your or DH) feeling the way I do? I'm just nervous wondering if i'll ever be able to let go of that "baby" part. Wanting the baby, but not the grown kid. Getting over that loves for newborns. I feel so torn.

By Rayelle on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 08:17 pm:

Oh I know what you are talking about! We haven't done anything permanent. My baby starts school this year . My brother and sister are both due the end of summer so at least I have an outlet. Lately I've been getting to know the "not mom" side of me. Logically things could work out quite well, had my babies young and I'll still be young when they are off to their own lives. Dh and I are both back in college now, that hopefully will lead to interesting careers etc. In addition to all the sweetness of the early years I feel a little ripped off I have all this baby knowledge but no more babies lol! In my heart I am not ready to say never a baby. I don't know that I will even though I don't plan on more.

By Kaye on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 08:25 pm:

Hmm well we scheduled the big d for when the baby (now age 10) was 3 months old. We cancelled. When he was 3 we tried for about 6 months to have another it didn't happen. When he was 4 we moved, by time he was 5 life happened and we decided to go ahead. Since he was 6, I have yearned for another one. But that isn't an option. So I guess my answer is No...i don't think it always goes away. I can say that now I am almost 37 (too old for another for me!) I am starting to think okay, maybe we won't have one more. My dr wants to do an ablation, but I just couldn't go through with it, since it means the baby factory is way closed! I just kept thinking that if something were to happen, then just maybe we would have another, or if it was dh and I remarried, then certainly I would want another. I think there are people who are sure, and people who aren't and at some point we do get at peace about it, when it naturally becomes time that it doesn't happen.

By Tonya on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 08:45 pm:

I have to say I had my tubes tied when Jade was 6 weeks and I still wonder what if. I know that we both don't want anymore children but I honestly miss the thought of having another baby. I loved being pregnant and I loved giving birth. Just sitting here thinking right now about pushing and what I brought into this world just by pushing is amazing. I know that we are going into the next stage of our lives where the kids are in school and we are able to do things for outselves and the kids do things for themselves. Plus dates happen again. So my answer is no the feeling doesn't go completely away but I know it was best for us.

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 09:04 pm:

Well, I'm going to b 48 on my next birthday, so I really don't want anymore babies, myself, but I'm looking forward to grandchildren now. We are still both intact.

It is nice, when kids are older and you get a little more freedom again!

By Melanie on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 10:31 pm:

My feeling is that if you are not absolutely 100% sure, wait. I can honestly say that since our daughter was born we have felt that everyone was at the party, so to speak. Dh had the big "V" several years ago, and neither of us have ever had that feeling of wanting another baby in the house.

You are very young. I would hold off on making the decision if your heart isn't completely in it just yet.

By Tsa on Sunday, March 2, 2008 - 11:25 pm:

My husband had the big "V." Called from the delivery room to schedule a time. We knew we were done. However, my arms still "itch" to hold and love on any baby. And I do just that. Luckily, in my profession I get to see a lot of families and I hold a lot of babies. I love holding and I love giving back.

I know my family is complete, there was never any ?? But, no you always want to hold a baby.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 08:07 am:

Ditto Melanie. You are still young, and if you're not absolutely positively SURE your family is complete, I'd hold off on doing anything permanent for BC. My DH has had a V, but he waited until he was 40 and both of us knew without a doubt that we didn't want a bigger family. I'm scheduled for a hysterectomy soon and have NO qualms about permanently closing my baby factory. Now, that doesn't mean I no longer like to hold babies. LOL! I love to hold babies, but have no desire to have any more of my own.

By Eve on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 08:32 am:

((HUGS)) It's a big decision--I agree with waiting if you aren't 100% as well. When DH gets back, have a big heart to heart and see how you both feel. Good luck, I know it's tough.

By Debbie on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 09:38 am:

Yes, I think it does. Does the feeling of wanting to hold, and snuggle a baby go away, I don't think so. But I think, wanting a baby does go away when you are 100% sure.

Dh and I talked about him having the big V when our youngest was about 3. I just wasn't ready. Now our youngest is almost 8, I am 40, dh is 46, and we know for SURE that we do not want another baby. I wouldn't blink an eye about dh having the big V now.

So, to me, it sounds like you just aren't 100% sure right now, which is okay, you are both pretty young.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 10:34 am:

Thanks for the responses. They were great.

Another question, hypothetically speaking, of course: Where does one draw the line between wanting more children and knowing they don't/can't/shouldn't have more? (I'm talking about financially or for any other reason such as life plans they have or just pure common sense of not taking on more than they feel they can handle?) Not saying any of these are a concern of mine but I was just wondering. Do people really go through depression when their ability to have children (male or female) is taken away before they are 100% ready? (I guess I should say of course they do because studies are out there but is it pretty common?)

By Karen~admin on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 11:22 am:

Melissa, I think for many moms still in childbearing age, what you are feeling is totally normal.

As for knowing when/where to draw the line - there are probably as many reasons as there are individuals faced with that decision. I feel certain that finances, age, socio-economic conditions, health, etc are major factors in reaching the decision. Some people are happy with one child, knowing that they will be able to give that child everything they have - from the most basic needs to extras, and most importantly, their time and attention. Others seem to juggle large families with lots of kids very well, on lesser incomes, and with better time management.

It's a very individual thing, and certainly there is no right or wrong answer.

As for going through a depression when you can no longer conceive - well, this is how *I* felt. In 1992, my X left. In 1993, my kids were *almost* 9 and 10 y/o, and I had an emergency female-type surgery. I was still *newly* separated, and I *knew* I didn't want more kids. But when the Dr. asked if I wanted him to just take everything when he opened me up, I wasn't prepared to make that decision. It totally freaked me out to even think of it, and I wasn't seeing anyone yet. I didn't want to *not* have the option of having another child.

Fast forward to 1994 - I was seeing someone then, but there was no way I could see myself having another child by then. I was 39, my kids were 10 and 11, and for my own health, a hysterectomy was necessary. I was fine with it. BUT - for several months afterwards, I felt like I'd lost something, like something was missing, and when I thought about the fact that I could no longer reproduce, it hurt. However, I think that's normal too. A few months later, I was fine, I knew I'd made the right decision, and I've never regretted it.

HOWEVER - that said - you guys are young, your kids are young. If you have ANY doubts at all, I wouldn't do anything permanent just yet.

Debbie is right about the feeling of wanting to hold and snuggle a baby - at 52, I have never lost that feeling, and at times I seem to crave holding a newborn - it is so strong sometimes, it reminds me of when I was b/feeding my own kids - you know that feeling, when you reach for your baby, and everything inside of you just swells with love and awe. So I seek out friends of the kids, or kids of MY friends who have babies, and I get my baby fix! LOL

My advice would be to use some reliable form of birth control until you are both 100% sure your family is complete.

By Reds9298 on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 03:39 pm:

I'm having only one, feel confident about that, but I'll be the first to snuggle the baby in the room and definitely have that 'want a baby' feeling for 15 minutes. If I had 10 kids, I still want to snuggle the babies. Knowing you don't want more is a real feeling and you don't feel uncertainty. Ditto Debbie I guess is what I'm saying!

You're very young, there are lots of forms of B/C. If you don't fee very confident and happy with making things permanent, then don't do it. I think you draw the line at having more based on circumstances just by being realistic. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we couldn't give 3 children the things/opportunities/time/attention that we feel are important to raising children. There's no question there. If we had a surprise 2nd before the permanent was done, we would doubt with even 2 that we could do what WE personally feel is best for raising both children. Everyone has a different idea, so I think you just have to be realistic about your own situation. Also you have to look at what you're willing to continue giving up or not and go from there. My friend is content to stay home for the next 20 years and feels very happy in that thought. I am ansy to get back to teaching, and the idea of staying home another 6 years with a second child is not something that makes me happy, just because I have other things I want to do.

It's personal, you're young. Take Karen's advice, don't do anything permanent, use B/C and just enjoy the 2 you have. Don't get too dramatic, because there's no pressure either way.

By Dana on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 05:41 pm:

My mom is 78 and she says the desire to have another child never goes away.

By Breann on Monday, March 3, 2008 - 06:24 pm:

Melissa, I'm right there with you. I am pregnant right now, and we are already discussing the big "V" for after I deliver.
Every time I see a baby I get baby hungry. I could have a dozen babies and never be tired of the baby stage. But, babies are like kittens They grow up and lose that "baby" part.
I know in my heart that after this baby, we definitely don't want any more kids. I'm sure I will always want more babies though. I just have to remember that babies grow up! Focus, focus, focus, lol.