How would you handle this?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2008:
How would you handle this?
I am really good friends with one of my neighbors. Her son is right inbetween the age of my two boys, and they always play together. Last night at open house, we ran into them, and she introduced her son's "girlfriend" to us. This is one thing I don't agree with her on, but that is a whole other post. She encourages this girlfriend thing, lets her ds play at her house, gets her gifts for him to give her, etc, this is in 3rd grade! Well, now my ds, who is almost 10, has started talking about girlfriends, where before he was never interested. Dh thinks he is just saying it because our neighbor is making it seem so cool to have a girlfriend, and he probably is talking about it for this reason. The funny thing is that when you ask him what having a girlfriend means, he says "I don't know" I told dh that I think we need to sit him down, and talk to him about this, in a way that is age appropriate. I want him to know what we think a girlfriend really is, I don't want him to be so casual in his thinking on this.
What do you think? any advice?
AGREED.... I could right a book on the million and one reasons why this is wrong. But I will just say, I see it way too often around me. I can also say, it doesn't build for a very strong individual person when their focus is on getting/being with someone that young. It exhibits/creates dependency issues. We all know someone that isn't happy unless they have a SO. These are messages taught early on. Got to be with someone/anyone to be someone yourself. Kids that are wrapped up in "relationships" tend to not have very good focus on the other aspects of their lives. Not good at all..
I am very anal with my children about this topic. I explained crushes and dating early on because the kids in their classes were pulling this too. I also explained reputation and the things kids do to be seen as cool by the person they like/are "dating" wants them too. My kids are future spouses and I thrown in instruction on dating, being a partner and such as often as I can. I don't think you need to date in third grade, crushes are cute (of course) but dating is for someone that is near the age of picking a life mate. Lessons prior to that age are better done through talking with your child. Dating and marriage do not need dress rehearsal's, from the age of 8 on most surely not... Should probably leave off with that BUT just say NO!!!
Any of you who know me from being on the boards for many years, know how *I* feel about all that stuff. Talk talk talk to your kids about relationships, dating, sex, all of it. Constantly. Endlessly. Obviously not all at once. LOL Tell them whatever is age appropriate.
I don't think it is all that uncommon for very young kids to call another child their b/f or g/f, keeping in mind they don't really know what it means, and it's completely innocent. In my experience, if you don't make a big deal of it, and if you are a person who talks to your kids about this stuff, at that age, it's *nothing*, they are really just friends, and without encouragement, they remain friends and the b/f or g/f talk just ceases.
I totally disagree with a parent who encourages a child that age to have a g/f or b/f. To start with, they can't begin to understand the mean of it or the implications of it, and no 8 y/o has a clue what a relationship like that really is anyway. But a parent who does that is rushing her kids to grow up, and certainly asking for trouble early on, IMO.
If *I* were you, I'd definitely talk to him, give him your explanations - age appropriate of course - and keep talking from here on out. You could also explain to him that he can have friends that are girls, but not girlfriends at his age.
Kids need to be talked to often to learn about all of this stuff, and 8 years old is not too young to be talked to, but for an 8 y/o to have a girlfriend, especially when a parent encourages it, is just ridiculous, IMO.
Ditto on the "girlfriend" stuff. I've always been pretty open about this stuff. Emily still thinks the boys are stupid. Sarah hasn't been involved with any boys, either. They were much more involved with getting homework done and playing their band instruments.
Karen, I'm with you for the first three paragraphs, but I'm not sure I'd have much of a "talk" at this point. Like you say, "if you don't make a big deal of it, and if you are a person who talks to your kids about this stuff, at that age. . . the b/f or g/f talk just ceases."
I mean, I guess I might use the girlfriend issue as a conversation starter, but my kids are shy and quick to feel criticism. I'd have to be very careful not to make my son feel like he had been bad. In fact, at that age DS did have a "girlfriend." He had (still has) several female friends, but apparently this one was different in his mind. I didn't do anything to encourage or discourage it, and after a while he stopped talking about it. I don't think the little girl was ever informed of her special status.
However!  I might have handled it differently, if I'd had a neighbor with no sense, or if the "GF" had been around DS more. It is, indeed, an on-going conversation. In fact, if your son was 12 instead of 9, I'd be more inclined to be direct and say, "In our family, no girlfriends until you're 16 (or 18, 21 or 25)." And explain why we do things that way in our family (no matter what his friend's family does).
I worked in an inner-city high school where many girls were repeating Freshman English because they had been busy having babies that year. In that environment there was more pressure toward early sexual activity than just one ignorant neighbor. Unless you're in that situation, I'm betting that your son will lose interest in GFs pretty soon. Then you'll have a couple years before it arises again, so your conversations can go on without pressure until then.
It will be interesting to see what happens with your neighbor when her son gets tired of being paired with this girl.
"I" think that having a general discussion about b/f g/f is a good idea. It is important to open those discussions early so that kids know they can come to you with any relationship discussions later when it is really an issue.
BUT- I think making a bid deal out of a "relationship" that is purely innocent is not a good idea. At that age no matter what the children call it, it is simply a friendship with the opposite sex. My dd had a "b/f" from 3rd-7th grade. They didn't do anything together outside school. They weren't interested in anything else. In 7th grade, they went to the movies with parents. My dd decided that was too wierd so they "broke up". She just thought of him as a best friend and the doing mock dating messed it up.
Letting her handle it by herself was a great growth experience for her. I listened and discussed as she wanted, but I was careful not to push my views on her. I encouraged her to look at the situation on her own.
So--I would just let the kids work through the b/f g/f thing and be there for guidance.
Well, dh and I are completely against the girlfriend thing at this age, so I feel it is important to talk to ds about how we feel about it. I was a mentor at a school before I had my kids. Unfortunately, I knew of kids having sex at age 10,11, and 12, so I don't think it is always innocent.
I guess I didn't make it clear in my post, ds has not talked about having a girlfriend, just bringing up girlfriends in general. So, after school today, we talked about what a "real" girlfriend really is. We talked about having girls as friends, which is completely okay. But, a real girlfriend and dating is for when he is much older. Ds does have a girl in his class that he talks to a lot and thinks of as a friend, so he does know the difference. We also talked about how every family is different, and has different rules about things. This is not a new discussion because I seem to be more strict then lots of parents. So, ds already understands this. I just want ds to hear the "truth" from me, and not others. Also, I feel the same about the sex talk, which I know is coming soon. I want him to hear about it from us. I want to talk with him about the emotional side of it, as well as the physcial.
All in all, it was a very good talk.
The scary thing about my neighbor's son is when I asked him in conversation what it meant to have a girlfriend, he said "it means she only likes me". I think pushing this girlfriend/boyfriend thing leads to a person feeling they have to have someone in their life to be anything. I also see how he is not developing friendships of the same sex because he spends a lot of time with his girlfriend, and most boys don't want to hang out with girls all the time(at this age). I also hear him brag continually about having a girlfriend. So, I guess I don't think it is innocent anymore. Since my son is exposed to it, I want him to understand how his dad and I feel about it.
Ok, I have rambled enough. I guess you can tell I feel pretty strongly about this.
Shame on that mom for pushing the girlfriend thing and playing it up. I'm sure she thinks it's "cute", but as so many of you noted above, it is really dangerous and unhealthy at that age. Sounds like you are on top of things, Debbie, and handled it well.
I've also observed from my kids over the years, the term "going out". When I was in high school (and it was reserved for high school and college), we actually "went out" on dates. Today, kids as young as yours, Debbie, will throw around the term "going out" and it means the bf/gf thing, but they never "go" anywhere but school. I think it's sad that so many of the lines have been blurred for the kids today, on so many fronts.
I agree that you seem to have a good handle on the issue, and are addressing it appropriately.
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