When Should I tell my son...
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive December 2004:
When Should I tell my son...
the truth about Santa Claus?
He is 8, and all he talks about is Santa. I have told him the story about Jesus and the more important gift that God gave us. (Sorry- don't mean to offend non Christians.) He understands that, and he knows the truth about the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny. I just can't stand that he believes so deeply and whole-heartedly something that just isn't true.
The reason I am posting as anon is this- I am really having a hard time with this. My son was molested last year. He has handled it wonderfully (compared to me). He went to a counselor briefly, and then she said he didn't need it anymore because he understands what happened, why it was wrong, that it wasn't his fault, etc. The person who molested him was our 15 (now 16) year old neighbor boy who had been babysitting for just a couple of hours a week. He went to juvenile court and was sentenced to an adolescent sexual offender therapy program, in addition to community service and probation. In order to complete the program, he had to write a letter of sincere apology to his victims (my son was not the only one), and his victims or their parents could decide how that apology would be delivered- by mail, or in person, or the letter could be kept on file. We just went in last month for an in person apology. It would seem that this chapter has been concluded for now.
My son and I have developed a stronger relationship. I have been very open and honest with him about lots of things regarding sexuality, where and when it is appropriate, and how it will be a loving wonderful experience when he is ready, with emphasis on marriage. Naturally, he has asked lots of questions, and I have made it a point to give him honest answers.
I am much more in tune with him and the friends that he has. One boy in particular who lives in our neighborhood (we have NO normal kids around here) is 13 and is mentally retarded. I have not allowed my son to go to this boy's house to play, patially because of the age difference, but also because I do not trust the parents. My son TOLD ME that when they were at our house they found a Marshall Field's circular ad in my recycle box with pictures of women modeling lingerie, and his friend was gawking at them. He showed me where this boy hid the ad. I had another talk with him about respecting the female body, but more importantly, my son TRUSTED me to tell me.
There have been several other instances when he has told me stuff that his friends do when they are playing. Like the time they took mini-m&m's and put them inside a RX pill bottle, pretended they were drugs, that they were stealing them, and that they were running from the cops! (My dad said it gives a whole new meaning to cops and robbers!) So, I told him about drugs and how dangerous they were...
Anyway, I was 9 when I found out the truth about Santa from my dad. My point is that I feel that when the time does come and he finds out the truth, it might not be from me, and I will be in trouble with him because I have lied to him.
Any thoughts on what I should do?
Well this really isnt about santa is it? It feels more about what is real and true in his and your life. I would like to think that santa being something real to him is a good thing. He will figure it out on his own. He probably already guesses that santa isnt real, he just wants him to be real and I dont think you need to rush him on it. I doubt you will be in trouble w/ him by keeping the santa myth alive for one more year. If he askes however I would tell him the truth, that santa isnt real but the thought of santa is so important. That we all need to be a santa and to have santa visit us. Its all about the giving and recieving from love.
I am happy that you got counciling for you son, I hope that you are ok, I have a friend whose daughter was molested 5 years ago and only fessed up in the last six months. It was very devistating for her to know that her daughter whom she loves very much held this secret for so long. She didnt tell her mom because the boy who did it threatened to kill her family if she told and she was only 8 so she believed him. Still my friend feels alot of guilt, unfortunately we cant protect them 100% of the time and that there are people out there who we have to protect them from.
I was not told and my children were not told. I think it is a natural progression. When my children discovered the "truth", I explained to them the meaning behind Christmas and told them the story of Saint Nick and the joy he brought to the children and that in honor of him we continue the tradition. I also didn't have to tell them about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth fairy. Kids are very keen on things and they understand more than what parents give them credit for. I think it is better for them to figure it out on their own, than just to sit them down one day and say I have been lying to you for 9 years. Because it isn't truly a lie. NO there isn't a actual Santa, but he is a physical representation of the celebration. No different than a masscot<sp for a football team..
I think that you have done well as far as your son goes. But maybe you should look into getting some help for yourself, at least try to let yourself heal from this. You can't shoulder guilt over this and it will extend back to him if you don't learn how to deal with it. We aren't perfect we make mistakes. We have to do what we can to help our child then we need to move past this. It is something that happened but not a precursor for the rest of his life. You can either make yourself and your child a victim of this for the rest of your lives or you can become stronger because of it.
Big hugs to you both.. And let him believe. My DS is 12 and he still talks about Santa like he is real too. He is 12 he knows better, he knows the story, yet he chooses to believe that there is a bit of good in everyone and that the season is full of magic if you let the magic into your heart....
What do you mean Santa isn't real?
My parents never told me, when I questioned it they just smiled and said, your beliefs are in your hands, what does Christmas mean to you. I don't think I will ever tell my kids. But I do go out of my way not to lie to them. We talk about Santa casually. They want to leave cookies out, we will. I don't make a production and I don't lie when asked. There has been lots of talk in my house whether he is real or not real, it just hasn't involved me. My 10 year old still believes, my 6 y ear old still really believes and my 9 year old is a big fuddy duddy and he keeps telling them that yeah there is a Santa, his name is DAD...geesh!
I think what is important is your feelings. Do you feel like you are lying to your son, then so it is time to fess up. I don't believe Santa is unreal, Santa is the spirit of giving, the celebration of the gift God gave to us. Is he a real man that gives gifts to all kids NO, but his spirit is real so that most kids do get gifts. It does really only matter how you feel about it though.
Kaye, you said exactly how I feel and you said it so well. And that is exactly how we deal with it in our house and how I was dealt with as a child. I never resented my parents as a child for allowing me to believe in the magic of the holidays. My children didn't even write up Christmas list this year. They were more concerned with helping the food drive at school and making sure those kids had something.
Ditto Kaye and Bobbie.
Oh he will figure out Santa isn't real. Third grade? This is probably the last year anyway. Their friends tell them. If I remember right.
My kids just kind of figured it out on their own and I really don't remember how old they were.
The truth about Santa Claus?
>>>>>>>.
When he asks for it.
I just can't stand that he believes so deeply and whole-heartedly something that just isn't true.
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He doesn't have the problem about Santa, you do.  I don't believe in a literal Santa either, but I do believe in the truth behind the story, the spirit of giving and of unconditional love (Santa would never leave just coal in our house. For me it's like my belief in God. As a child I believed in a literal, real heaven where the stories in the Bible really happened. As an adult I have faith in a higher power and the power behind the stories told in the Bible (this is my personal belief. I know many people do believe in a literal interpretation and I respect that. I don't mean to offend).
Like the time they took mini-m&m's and put them inside a RX pill bottle, pretended they were drugs, that they were stealing them, and that they were running from the cops!
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I don't think that's a bad thing ness. They're exploring events and ideas in play that they would (hopefully) never encounter in real life. It's a way of dealing with issues and exploring yourself without actually having to do the real thing. It might merit some discussion afterward though about what the implications might be in real life.
I will be in trouble with him because I have lied to him.
Any thoughts on what I should do?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Read about Santa (Saint Nicholas and other representations from other cultures, his now defunct sidekick, Black Pete). Find out about the history of the figure, read fiction about him, any essays about him. Find a way you can believe in him or what he represents. Heck, in a sense you ARE Santa so you can't NOT believe. Examine what a lie or the truth means to you. Is it too literal perhaps? Start reading him stories of Santa and his history as well so his understanding of Santa can be richer so that he can form his own ideas about what Santa means instead of being bound to a black and white view of him. Besides, what better way to snuggle at Christmas than with books?
What do you mean "Santa isn't real"? Of course he is. My family always told me if I didn't believe in Santa Claus I wouldn't get presents from him. I am 25 now and my daughter is 15 mths. Jesus is of course what Christmas is all about, but is does make the Christmas season more magical and exciting and child-like and fun for everyone if you believe! Merry Christmas!!!
My son is 11 and does not believe anymore.
When he first started asking me I just said
oh yes he is real and not to listen to all
the kids at school but when he kept asking me
OVER and OVER I did not feel it was right to keep
telling him a lie. I told him the real story of saint Nick but had to finally tell him that indeed
Santa does not come in the middle of the night.
he just said I knew it mom and you should not lie to your kids! gee I felt like a great parent at that moment! lol
I told my older boys when they came to me and said 'Are you and Dale really Santa Claus?' I asked them where they learned of this and then told them yes we leave the gifts for them in the middle of the night. I also told them that even tho they know the truth, that they can still believe in Santa because it is fun to believe! They still ask Santa for gifts and the still wake up on Christmas morning with gifts under the tree from SANTA and a stocking filled by SANTA... Btw, my oldest is 12.5yo and in 7th grade. They never told me I lied to them, they just giggled because they had figured it out.
Santa is real! Santa is a symbol of the Christmas spirit! Polar Express handles this really well if you are looking for literature. The movie is great as well!
the Polar Express is a great book as you said Lauram. the story brought tears to my eyes it was that good. Also i grew up with the story of Saint NIck. I belive this is what all the giving is about during this time of the year. It's not what we get but what we give. Giving to the less fortinate can be the best thing about the holidays.
I believe the magic of Santa is being able to give gifts without expecting anything in return.
My dd is 8 and still believes. I do think this is her last year believing but we will encourage her to keep her spirit for her little brother's sake. I'm not sure how well that will go.
I love the magic of Santa. I would tell your son when he constantly asks about it and not before. From your post, it seems like he has been through a lot in the past little while. He had someone take his childhood innocence away from him (so to speak)...why take the magic of Christmas away just yet if he is not ready.
Thank-you so much. I feel better about not telling him. After all, I have waited to tell him a lot of things about sex and drugs until it came up and he asked me questions point-blank.
Shouldn't I let him be a kid while he is a kid?
I've posted this before, but I think it may add to this discussion.
I told my boys what my parents told me when I asked them if Santa was real.
They asked me if I thought all parents had enough money to buy toys for their children. I was a city kid, and I knew poor people. They asked me if I ever wondered how those children always seemed to get a gift at Christmas. Up until then I'd figured Santa did it. Then they told me that long ago, when Santa started, he gave gifts to every boy and girl. But the world was smaller then, and there were fewer children. Then as the population got so large, he began to need help. He asked the parents that were able, to become his helpers.
Mom and Dad said that yes, they bought my gifts. Dad had a good job, and we were lucky, but Santa took care of all the children who weren't that lucky. Sometimes he even asked kids to help him and share with the poorer children in the world.
I asked if he'd ever ask me and they told me he had. That year I saved part of my allowance and bought a gift for a kid who lived in the children's home nearby.
I knew it must have been a good talk....I used it for my boys and......I still believe in Santa.
Ok, Bea, now I'm in tears
Amen, Bea!! It is when we stop believing in Magic/Miracles that the ugliness of this world will take over........ Many people set New Years resolutions and seldom do they say, "I want to keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year around." More concerned about dropping that extra ten pounds.
Let them believe as long as the want and help them to carry that Christmas heart into their adulthood..
Bea, that was beautiful! I will carry that with me for the rest of my life!
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