I am going anon because I don't want people I work with to accidently find this.

I work in preschool and this is my first year with this teacher and aide. I have been working in the school for about 6 years. Every year children give me Christmas presents and every year I mail personalized thank yous to them. This year, I have been told, more than once, that in preschool you pre-write a bunch of generic ones and then you put them in the child's mailbox after opening the gift.

I have a couple of problems here. #1. I don't want to open gifts in front of the other children because not everyone gives you one and I'd hate for anyone to feel bad about that. #2. I totally hate the idea of generic thank you notes. I remember how happy my dks were/are to get a note from their teachers in the mail and that's why I've always done it that way. NOt to mention the kids just dump their mailboxes into their backpacks at the end of the day and may never even end up getting the thank you note.

How do I handle these situations gracefully, without offending the 2 people I work with?

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 12:01 pm:

How about doing both. Do a generic one that basically only says thank you for thinking of me and happy holidays then...mail a real thank you. You do not need to tell the teacher you are mailing anything.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 12:11 pm:

Keep doing what you are doing, I think that it is wonderful that you mail a card to the children, and honestly you are right about putting the note in the cubby, they more often than not are forgotten. Mailing them home means that the parent (who probably was the one who spent the time to go to the store and purchase the gift) will get to see it and even though they are not offically the giver gets to get a thank you too.

Honestly I have a real problem w/ your co-workers. I would rather not get a thank you at all than to have an impersional generic thank you. To me it sounds snobby, like I expect you to give me something and I guess I have to write you a thank you if I must. I feel like "really dont trouble yourself if writing a personal thank you is too much work." I hate anything that smacks of entitlement. So if anybody askes tell them that you were raised to mail thank you letters and that you wouldn't feel right putting them in the cubby. That is as diplomatic as I could be.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 12:27 pm:

Do they know that you're writing them a thank you at all?
Some people give "advice" when they think they're helping. Do they know you send them out personalized cards?
Are they worried that their "system" might look bad if you go the extra mile?
Sounds pretty selfish on their part. And, I agree, it's really the parents that take the time and effort and they need to see that you truly do appreciate it too. You've got a good heart and I'm SO glad you work with children!!!

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:11 pm:

I think your method is just fine, and I agree with you, both about opening the gifts in front of the children and sending personalized thank you notes. I think the people who are giving you advice may, as Heidi says, think you are making them look bad. You are following not only the proper etiquette, but also the human, caring way of responding to gifts.

By Paulas on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:40 pm:

I teach Kindergarten and I opened the gifts at school. You make a good point but the kids that gave them to me insisted on seeing their teacher open them so I did. I had one student make a comment about not having a gift and I just responded that that was perfectly ok because I have all the gifts I need right in my classroom. I know...sounds corny but it is really true. I have a great bunch of kids.

I have purchased holiday postcards that I will mail out to everyone. I will handwrite them and each student will have something different on their card. I will add a thank you for the students that gave me gifts.

I think you should continue doing what you are doing. EVERY kids LOVES getting mail!

By Deek on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:50 pm:

I waited till I got home to open my gifts too..for the same reasons..don't want the others to feel bad...I just told them when they asked that I was busy with our party and would open them later..that is what works best for me..as for thank yous, although I don't mail them ( my holidays are too crazy), I do write individual thank yous and put them in their cubbies when we return in January.. I will write little happy new year notes to the ones who were unable to give..that way everyone gets a note from the teacher. I also get many end of the year gifts..and those thank you's I mail..so I think what you are doing is great and you should continue.

By Tink on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:52 pm:

I think it sounds like you and Paula are doing a great job of making sure that everyone ends up feeling special. I know that my dks would love to get the special attention.

By Ilovetom on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:58 pm:

I teach preschool and I write thank yous and mail them on a Christmas card. Usually I thank them for the gift and talk about what it is.

I think your way is peachy.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 03:25 pm:

Ok, I am going to keep doing as I currently do, but I don't know how to get out of opening gifts in front of the other kids. The teacher put all of the gifts, even the ones that were handed to me and that I put by my coat, under her tree. I am going to write out a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year card to all of the kids and then I will just do my regular Thank you notes. They do know that I write them, because one little boy gave me a bananna bread for Thanksgiving and his mother told me (and the teacher heard) about how excited he was to get the note. This generic thank you note stuff has been mentioned several times to me and each time I told the teacher or the aide (who has been with this teacher for about 7 years), that I have always mailed them. Thank you all for the advice. I feel kind of awkward in this classroom because I am the new kid on the block and this teacher is very different from the ones I used to work with.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 04:03 pm:

Could you ask the teacher "Do you think that the kids who were unable to give a gift will feel bad if we opened them up in front of everyone?"

Maybe you can set up "appointments" with each one during break/recess/lunch (even the ones who didn't give you a gift) and have a "chat" with them for 2 minutes. The ones who gave a gift to you can see you open the gift and the ones who didn't give a gift will receive some great time with a great teacher! Just an idea...not sure how much time you have. Being a teacher (previously), time is hard to find but it can be done.
I wonder why they insist on opening the gifts in front of everyone? I wonder if they can answer that? Why is that so important to them?

By Pixie on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 04:03 pm:

I thought I posted this already but something must have happened! About an hour before you post my 3 1/2 year old daughter recieved a personalized Thank You/Christmas Card from the Teachers Aide in her preschool for the gift she gave her. She was so excited she ran and put it under her pillow to sleep with! Your thoughtfullness will not go unnoticed! Keep it up!

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 07:53 pm:

OMG, Christina (Pixie)! That is THE cutest thing I've ever heard!!!!

By Kim on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 08:31 pm:

I think its odd that the teacher is insistant that you all do the same thing. Is she a control freak??? I do not opne my gifts at the party. I wait until later, usually when I am home. We all write our own thank yous and even if mine are earlier than the lead teacher's its ok. I don't wait because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. The kids I work with are 18-24 months. I just like to savor the moment and I feel kinda funny opening the stuff up right away. I think this is a personal preference issue and I think your teacher is being totally inflexible. If it comes down to you HAVE to write in hers I would do as the other suggested and send a personal one on your own. What you do on your own time is your business!!!

Good luck!

By Pamt on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 08:34 pm:

I agree with writing your own. I always write my therapy kids a thank you note and it means so much to the child AND the parent b/c it is such a thrill for the kiddo to get a letter in the mail.

By Pamt on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 08:34 pm:

I agree with writing your own. I always write my therapy kids a thank you note and it means so much to the child AND the parent b/c it is such a thrill for the kiddo to get a letter in the mail.

By Feona on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 07:37 am:

If you have to do the generic not to get people mad do it. Then do hand written ones.

We loved getting those from the teacher. They take so much time to do but we loved to get them.

By Lauram on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 02:15 pm:

I also never open my gifts in front of the class for the same reason. If you are comfortable standing your ground, I would simply say that I prefer to write a handwritten personalized note to each student. I think the others are just trying to get off easy. It is a lot of work to write 24 thank you notes in addition to doing the holidays and thank yous for your own family. BUT they did take the time to remember you, so you are right to thank them with a note! I'm not sure you are going to get around the opening the presents this year- especially if the head teacher insists. You could simply put a bee in her bonnet and ask how she thinks the other children feel.....

By Anonymous on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 03:37 pm:

Thanks, I bought Christmas cards today and they will go in all of the kid's mailboxes and then I got a copy of the class list with addresses from the school secretary so that I can mail thank yous. I figured if the Christmas cards are sealed then they don't need to know they are not thank you notes.

By Bea on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 04:25 pm:

Good for you. A thank you note isn't their purview. That's between you and the gift giver. How dare they instruct you how to handle your thanks.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 10:28 pm:

So like what's up with the rule? Did you ask WHY they prefer you to do it the generic way? Are they afraid that one kid is going to feel less special than the other because they got a better thank-you note?

It seems like that is the way to go these days. Sure, I understand we want to make all kids feel good and be fair. But then sometimes the ones that go the extra mile or put forth the extra effort are shortchanged rather than rewarded b/c we don't want to hurt the other kids' feelings.

But that doesn't explain why you would open the gifts in front of all the kids. What if their parent(s) didn't have the money to get you a nice gift, or any gift at all? So one kid will feel less special than the other because they couldn't get you a better gift.

You do what you have to do to make ALL your kids feel special and to let them know what they mean to you. If you aren't comfortable with your current situation with your teacher and her aide, you could find a way to change that, too.

By Annie2 on Friday, December 24, 2004 - 04:19 pm:

When my child brings in a gift to the teacher I want her to open it in front of my child. I teach my kids that giving is better than receiving.

I know as a mom and I am sure this is true for caring teachers, it's not the monetary amount of a gift which represents more value but is the thought behind the gift which means the most.

If a child's parent doesn't have enough money to send a small token of thought, then the parent can at least encourage the child to draw a picture for the teacher. I know most caring teachers know the child's situation beforehand and that gift will mean more than a store gift card.

So the child that sends in a store bought gift, a hand made gift or picture isn't entitled to see the joy on his teacher's face when she opens it, in case "little Bud" didn't make anything and he might feel bad? That's little Bud's parents fault, not my child's. If a child felt bad for not having a gift for his teacher THIS year, then it will encourage her to at least make one for her next teacher.

This year, as usual, I bought inexpensive items for their teachers but did take into account their personal collections, tastes, projects done in the class so far, etc. My 5th grader's teacher will not be returning after the Xmas break. My dd didn't want to give her the gift I purchased but instead made her booklet of the "10 ways YOU made fifth grade GREAT!". Her teacher adored it: for the time and thought my dd took to make it. I am thrilled she opened up presents in her class otherwise my daughter's efforts would have been postponed until a thank you note came in the mail.

JMO of course.

I also agree that thank you notes should be hand written. Either sent through the mail or hand given. My kids have until they go back to school to write out their thank you cards. Handwritten, of course. For the little ones, I would allow them to draw a picture. Friends and relatives appreciated the thought.

By Melanie on Friday, December 24, 2004 - 05:15 pm:

I know I am a little late chiming in, but I want to say that I am glad you are going to go ahead and do it your way. My daughters preschool teachers sent home a generic thank you, signed by all the teachers and then photocopied for each student. I thought it was quite impersonal since I did go out of my way, running to four different locations picking out things I thought each individual teacher would like. I would have liked to have been genuinely thanked, instead of seeing them do it the easy way. JMO.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, December 25, 2004 - 03:03 pm:

I think we only had one teacher, who actually opened the gift in front of my kid. We usually only got to see the thank you note in the mail. I thought it was kind of a rip.

Emily's 4th grade teacher opened his present in front of Emily. Of course, it was after school and the classroom was empty. He was thrilled. WE bought him 2 or 3 chapter books for his classroom and two boardbooks for his new baby! I hope he had fun reading them to his son.

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