Is that even possible to do without causing problems?

My husbands brother and his wife are coming from out of state. They actually got in town yesterday. They come quite a few times a year. We usually don't see them until the last day they are here. They run over real quick to say hello and that's about it. Actually last time they didn't even do that.

Last night was our Christmas party with my inlaws. My husbands brother knew that this was going on, but they had more important things to do and didn't come. We had our gifts there for them. We just left them over there and figured they could get them whenever. My mother in law made the comment "Well maybe they can come by your house on Christmas day to exchange gifts". My husband said that we liked to reserve Christmas day for just our family. We have all of these Christmas parties and family dinners the week before Christmas so that we can have a nice quiet Christmas with just us and the kids. That was all that was said.

Now I am wondering how to confront the situation. I know it would be best to just let it slide and let them come over on Christmas. But, I really don't want to compromise on this. We are always very accomadating. But having Christmas as our OWN special day is something that I feel strongly about and something that I want to make a tradition of.

I don't want to call and say for them to bring their gifts over during the week and not on Christmas. I don't want it to sound like we just want to get the gifts. I don't even care about the gifts. My husband is working each night this week until 9pm so we can't really invite them over for dinner and casually bring up the gift exchange.

I just feel the stress coming on. I know they will call on Christmas day and want to come over. How do I approach it?

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:21 am:

How are you wanting to come across to his brother?
What if it was you that had come into town and were told you weren't welcome? Step in the other persons shoes and then decide. Because right now you are stressing over nothing. There has been no phone call telling you he will be coming by. It was your mother in law that suggested it. Maybe he isn't even interested in coming on that day. And if your DH is working so late when could you work them in? I think a lot of times we create our own issues. If you don't want him over tell him, Call him up today, say DH is working a lot of late nights, MIL suggested he come over on Christmas day and that you would much rather he come over on (whatever day). Plan a meal, snack trays, a movie something... And say we will have dinner, snacks, or popcorn and a movie... This is your husbands brother and life is to short to make issues over a day, Christmas or not.. You should be guilted into having them there. But in the same turn you shouldn't blame them for not having their schedule the same as yours either... My BIL will be lucky to call here forget coming and seeing anyone and this not only hurts DH it hurts my kids.. Be thankful that he is at all interested. And instead of trying to figure out how to get out of it figure out how to make it work best for yourself and get the ball rolling... Or you will have that phone call Christmas morning...

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 06:36 am:

Bobbie says a lot of good things - the most important being this is your husband's brother and life is too short. And, you may be borrowing trouble. And, try to figure out how to make it work best for yourself (and the rest of your family).

As I see it, you have a few choices. If it were me, unles I really disliked BIL, I wouldn't calll him ahead of time and un-invite him, especially as you don't know what he intends to do (choice one).

If he calls on Christmas Day, you can do one of the following things - you can say, look, we try very hard to keep Christmas Day for our family only, but if you'd like to come over for a half hour or so today we'd love to see you and we can then make plans for a longer visit Sunday (or for another day when they are in town)(choice two); or, we try very hard to keep Christmas Day for our family only, it's a tradition we are building, but we'd love to have you over for dinner (or coffe and dessert, or lunch, or brunch) tomorrow (choice three).

Have you talked with your dh about this? It's his brother you're worrying about, so he should have an opportunity for major input on this. Certainly you want him to be happy with the decision, so do ask him what he wants to do.

By Colette on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 07:46 am:

I think Ginny and Bobby made some great points. Especially Ginny's last 2 paragraphs. If they call give them choices that work for you and your family. Also by all means, discuss this with your dh before you do anything.

I think it is nice that you keep Christmas for your family only.

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 08:30 am:

Well, I am going to have a different opinion. We have a sister in law that insisted in showing up on our doorstep last year uninvited. I mean absolutely told it was not a good time but she came anyway. You do not have to change your schedule for extended family. Your immediate family comes first. We also have Christmas day to ourselves. It has caused a lot of anger by some family members (inlaws) but I want my children to have happy memories of the holidays not us trying to get along with people we do not see most of the year. One point made by the above posters I agree with....your husband needs to voice how he wants it handled (it is his relative afterall). In my case my husband absolutely, positively, did not want his sister ruining our holiday (something she is known for doing). Is there conflict with you and the brother in law or are you just frustrated at the lack of respect shown to you by his showing up?
Yvonne

By Feona on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 08:57 am:

From experience, it is your husbands relatives and he has to deal with it. You will look like the wicked witch of the west if you get involved.

By Breann on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 09:18 am:

My husband doesn't want them to come over at all. He always feels so bad that they come to town and spend a week and IF we see them it's on the last day on their way out of town. More like a courtesy visit than anything.

I know it probably sounds rude, which really I'm not. But I'm just tired of having to conform to everyone else and their plans. I want to have plans of my own. But that never really seems to matter.

I don't want them here on Christmas day. My husband wants to call and say "don't come on Chrismtas day please". I just thought maybe there was a better way to do it.

We have the same Christmas party at my inlaws every single year. My brother in law could have easily been there. They chose to go to the mall instead. They said they would stop by the party but they weren't going to worry about packing all their gifts in because it would be late. But they never showed up.

There isn't any real conflict going on between us and them. They are just very young and don't have kids so they don't understand where we are at in life. They think that every night can be a party until all hours of the morning. They've never done the 9-5 job and mortgage and bills and kids.

I'm just tired of everyone else deciding how things should go. I just sit around and get walked all over.

By Kaye on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 09:53 am:

But the truth is you just don't know what his plans or intentions are. I am not sure how a 30 minutes stop over on christmas day will ruin your tradition. I guess if it was right in the middle of gift opening it might be an issue. If he calls and says we will be there, then you say well we are busy until after 3 so come after that. I have a brother that I am in the same boat with. I really don't want him messing up my world and my plans, normally I let him. Everyone lets him, he has no accountablity. Well he is a grown man, 36 years old. This is just who he is. I don't like it, but it could be worse. Really I lost my mom, my dad's second wife and just almost my dad so I have to deal with the fact in not too many year my only family left will be my brother. Life is short, don't stress over the small things and most things are small things.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 10:41 am:

Christmas for us is usually over pretty early as a "family thing". Once the packages are opened, breakfast served and eaten, and some lounging around all thats left to do is cook dinner. The kids are off playing w/ the new toys burning off excess energy and dh is on the couch watching tv recovering from the kids burning off their excess energy . So maybe you could compromise and say something like we would love to see you but would appreciate that you dont show up til noon or whatever is convenient. You could decide if they are invited for dinner or not, I would make the invite for that. Honestly if they are anything like a few of my family members they probably will stop in for a few minutes and then run.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 12:05 pm:

I didn't read all the responses but:

I would just tell them they are welcome over for Christmas breakfast and a gift exchange but your family had plans later on in the day. Sometimes its better just to suck it up once in a while when it comes to family. Its much better to have a Christmas day that wasn't exactly as planned than to have a BIL that you dont get along with.

(((HUGS)))

I hope everything turns out fine!

By Breann on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:22 pm:

Thank you for all of the comments.

Just a couple of things. My mom died when I was young so I know that family is important. That's why I want so badly to put my immediate family first. I'm tired of them taking a back-seat to what everyone else wants.

Second, someone asked how I would feel if I were unwelcomed at a relatives house. I never said they weren't welcomed here, I just don't want them coming over on Christmas day. It's the only day my husband has off work and I want the kids to be able to spend it with us uninterrupted. And I would NEVER show up at someones house unannounced on a holiday. I don't like to impose on anyone. I rarely will agree to stay at a relatives house because I feel like we would be an imposition. So I guess what I'm saying is that the scenario would be nonexistant with me because I have more respect for people than that.

Sorry for the pitty party. This just really gets to me. I look forward to Christmas each year and someone always crashes what I have planned for my family. I guess I will just have to get used to it huh?

By Paulas on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:35 pm:

I could be wrong but it seems that you are spending way too much time worrying about what "might" happen. Why not get DH to call his brother and say, "We're sorry you couldn't make it to the party the other night." Then take it from there and see what BIL says. He might not have any intention of coming over on Christmas day and you have spent all this time worrying for nothing.

My whole family lives across the country and I haven't seen them in almost 5 years. I would love to spend Christmas with some of them. I know...my situation is different than yours.

I would suggest you find out the facts...then worry. It's easy for me to say. I often worry about the "what-ifs" as well. I just think that this should be a happy time for you and that you might be focusing your energy worrying about something that might not even happen.

By Tink on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:36 pm:

I guess I feel differently than everyone else. I think that, if they are here for a week, they have multiple opportunities to visit and, if the one day they will come over is inconvenient for you and your plans, they will have to miss out this time. I have a SIL that expects our family plans to revolve around her and her plans and we, as an extended family, have said enough. We make plans and if she can attend she is more than welcome. If she can't, then we will see her another time. I think you can just wait for their phone call and then say that that you are sorry that you are getting such late notice but that you have planned to spend time with your family today. Either they can drop the gifts off with another family member or you can get together after the holidays and exchange presents then. JMO, like always!

By Alberobello on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:46 pm:

I understand you completely. I'd love to have a Christmas with my own family but it always seem so difficult. My partner always wants people around so he already invited 4 of his friends! Anyway I have my sister here and she is on her own so i wouldn't dream of leaving her out of the celebration.
You mention that your brother in law and partner are young, I am sure they will understand if you call them and say to them that you will be very happy to have them over after/before Christmas day to have a Christmas drink and exchange happy wishes, you could add, on Christmas day we already have plans, but when does it suit you best?
Mind you, they might be worrying about you inviting them on Chrstmas day when they don't want to come. Maybe they are thinking of excuses for not coming but do not want to hurt your feelings and might decide to come on C day uninvited to make up for all the times they don't come and visit you when they are in town.
So, be very polite, very loving and call them now to arrange them to come some other time so you can stop worrying and start planning your wonderful day with your husband.
Maria

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 01:49 pm:

I too take this differently. I know what it feels like to have a certain family member think that they can do as they wish. I do not think it is acceptable to think you can stop by at your convenience at a relatives house and just because they are a relative they are supposed to adapt their plans to suit you. It is selfish of them to drop in uninvited. Yes--this hits home for me so maybe that is why I see it differently. Our family Christmas is about us--our immediate family. My husband, me and our kids. We choose not to spend this day with extended family because we want to celebrate as we see fit with our own rituals and traditions. These do not include someone assuming they can just stop by interrupting for however long our special day.
I would wait for the phone call and explain it is not convenient for you and you are sorry they were unable to attend the family's Christmas party. Maybe next year they will think twice about skipping it. If not it is their loss.
Yvonne
I apologize if I came across too strong. I just can really relate to relatives that try to dictate my life and I no longer am tolerating that behavior---thanks to a lot of advice given to me on this board.

By Breann on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 02:45 pm:

Well they are going to be gone today and tomorrow with some friends. They are going to the friends cabin.

My husband is going to call and let them know that we left their gift with my mother in law. That way it kind of opens the conversation. Then we'll take it from there.

They already told my mother in law that they wouldn't be seeing her until Christmas morning for breakfast. They had plans up until then. I feel bad that they aren't even taking time to see her. So I am assuming that they will come here after Christmas breakfast since they will be leaving early on the 26th to drive back home.

Thanks again for all of the comments. It's interesting to get opinions from those on the outside looking in.

By Pixie on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 03:16 pm:

I have no Idea how to address this, seems as though you may offend your mother-in-law more so than the brother! This may sound rude but if they had "more important" things to do during the family Christmas, why should you sacrifice something that is important to you? I am in a a similar situation that I don't know how to address, I would like to stay home Christmas day and enjoy the gifts "Santa" worked so hard for with our immediate family but every year we HAVE To got the DH's Moms on Christmas Day! My family lives out of state I don't make him travel, I follow all other traditions and on holidays his family comes first but I want to stay home on Christmas!!!! I should prolly start a post for that - What to do???

By Conni on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 05:08 pm:

I completely understand how you feel about Christmas Day being reserved for your immediate family only. We do this as well. We do Christmas with my family the Saturday before Christmas. Other Christmas get togethers are in the weeks leading up to Christmas. By Christmas Day we NEED *our* time. LOL

My sisters are the same way and it would not hurt my feelings one bit if they asked me not to stop by on a particular day... I think your dh should just be honest with his brother. My guess is his brother will understand and come over on Christmas Eve day or something...

By Breann on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 06:19 pm:

lol Conni. That's how I feel. By Christmas day we NEED our alone time as a family.

It's so crazy leading up to Christmas. I don't want Christmas day to be a big production with company in and out and things being hectic. Just a nice relaxing day in our pj's

By Annie2 on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 09:58 pm:

OH, suck it up! This is the time for family. Before you know it, relatives will move away, you may move, crabby aunts will die, mom will get cancer, dad becomes senile, cousin od's on drugs, on and on and on.......
You have family willing to visit you. Isn't that what the holidays are about? Life is too short to worry about a 1/2 hour or three hours on Christmas Day.
My kids do not have any cousins near enough to visit for the holidays and both set of grandparents are no longer with us.
Rethink your plans. Celebrate life and holidays with family. JMO

By Breann on Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - 10:23 pm:

"OH, suck it up!" That's nice

My mom already did die. It's just my husband, our two kids and my inlaws here now. Everyone already has moved away.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 12:16 am:

I really think this is a non topic because there is no true issue. You are assuming and creating drama for yourself and probably creating drama for your DH and kids too. And just a hint, your children will grow up one day and they will decide that they want me only holidays and those may not go around your scheduled events either. So just because you aren't rude enough to show up on someone's door step doesn't mean you can not feel for this situation beyond the fact that your day of laying around with your children might be interrupted for a half hour. Traditions are all good and well but you of all people should understand the fact that you never know what tomorrow will bring. His brother is young, self centered and rude.. One day he just might grow up and he should be dealt with directly (I would rather have someone say, "oh I am sorry we already have plans" then let me come over and act put out because I am there) BUT he is DH's brother, the uncle of your children. Instead of sitting around dwelling on it deal with it. You say DH will contact him when they are back in town, plan out exactly what will be said and let this go. Because the fact is.. IF you don't want him there tell him you have plans, that is all it takes. What your plans are aren't his business. Tell him you would rather see him on whatever day or that you will have to make plans for his next trip in town. If you handle it with out feeling guilty and with more communication (about his trip etc not about Christmas, small talk) than "I don't want you at my house on Christmas morning" I am sure he won't be offended. Besides, he hasn't even said he will be coming by. But don't sit around stewing over such a simple issue to deal with. If DH doesn't deal with it as soon as possible you just might have him knocking on the door Christmas morning and there will be no one to blame but yourselves for sitting there waiting for him to make the first move.

By Katie on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 12:46 am:

Here's the thing: Christmas is YOUR time. "Talk to the hand." You don't have to be nasty. You don't have to be rude. What you could do is call before-hand to see if they'd like to arrange a gift exchange at some time that is convenient to you. But please don't feel like you have to accomodate them. You don't have to make them mad either. They're just doing their thing. And you're doing yours. I used to be the "inconsiderate" sister years ago and I just didn't get it. I responded really well to "Now's not a good time." Now, that I have kids, I know what all that means and they probably will too. There is NO reason why you can't be kind, loving, reasonable and FIRM, all at the same time. When you say, "Now's not a good time," you are not saying, "I don't love you," or "You're a jerk." You're just saying, "Now's not a good time." That's all. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Waste of time. Do it with love. And firmness. And be done with it.

By Feona on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 07:28 am:

One thing to think about. They are not up to you meaning they don't have kids. So you are in different places. In a few years you might be in more similiar places and have more in common.

So you might want to be open since you don't have much family there.

Also it is sweet if they bring gifts for your kids every year. That is really nice and they don't have to do that. That is really sweet for the kids to get that from uncle joe. Year after year.


But if you don't want to do something don't do it. Just understand the implicatons of what you say and do. Which I think you do.


If it makes you feel any better I have complete strangers invite themselves over for dinner on every holiday meal. It is fun. (Friends of friends of friends.)

By Kay on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 11:56 am:

I guess I grew up with a different conception of 'immediate family' than several others here. We have always considered 'immediate' to include grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins. I treasure my times alone with my dh and dks, but to see the look on my dh's face when he's with his siblings and my dks with their cousins is priceless. I grew up an only child, and I always longed for a full house at Christmas. Now, I'm blessed with it!

We will definitely miss the ones who are not able to come in for the holiday. And one day it will be *our* children who have to take turns visiting us and their in-laws.

And, even within our close family, we have our own little idiosyncracies and ways of doing things that may not gel with others', but we look at each moment for what it is...the ultimate gift.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 10:53 am:

So did they show up? How did it go?

By Breann on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 11:03 am:

No
My husband went over to where they were staying on Friday afternoon (Christmas Eve). He asked if they wanted to come over that evening to exchange gifts and to see the kids.

My bil said that so and so had invited them to a party that night and he wasn't sure what time it was at. He said they were planning on coming over the next day (Christmas) after breakfast. My husband said that we didn't know they were planning that so we had made other plans and were doing different things so that wouldn't work out. My bil didn't seem offended at all. He said he would call later on that evening (still Christmas Eve) and maybe work it out so they could make it over that night. They never called. I guess they got busy.

But, they didn't come on Christmas and it was really wonderful! Everytime they come it's all about them and we have to listen to their "interesting" stories. It was nice to not have to deal with it on Christmas day

By Colette on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 01:13 pm:

I am glad it worked out.

By Tink on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 01:38 pm:

I'm glad your dh was able to talk to your BIL without any hurt feelings. And I'm so glad that you and your immediate family got to spend the day doing exactly what you wanted. It's important to set these boundaries so that you don't feel walked on and at the mercy of other's plans.

By Feona on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 03:14 pm:

Oh good. He said it just right too.

By Annie2 on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 - 05:42 pm:

Sounds like everything worked out just fine