Chris went to our friends house today and found out that he and his girlfriend are engaged. They wanted to tell him together. This guys girlfriend and I used to be really good friends, and we met by working together, and I even hooked her up with the man whom she is engaged to now. She told Chris today that he is welcome to come to the wedding, but I am not invited. She said that I hurt her really bad. She heard something from someone, whom she trusted, that said I said something, and now she is really hurt. The thing is, I do not remember saying anything hurtful about her. I am sooo hurt right now. Her fiance said that he is not allowed to say what it is, but cannot believe I would say something like that. What did I say? Chris said that he would have me call her, and she said, no, she does not want to talk to me or see me. The only thing that I can think of, is that one time we had a party and she got really drunk. Chris got on top of his parents pool table because he was drunk too and layed down. She got up on the pool table and stardled my husband. I did call her a sl** behind her back. I know that I should have confronted her, but I am not one for confrontation, and will do anything to avoid an argument or a fight. I really do miss hanging out with her, and it is killing me inside to know that I hurt someone so bad. I would NEVER do that on purpose. I am not a hurtful or hateful person. I told Chris that I was going to call her, and he told me not to. Instead, I wrote her a letter, but he is going to wait for her to cool down before he delivers it. I think that she is acting very childish by holding a grudge against me when I don't even know exactly what I did. She didn't even call me to see if it was true when she heard what I "supposedly" said. What should I do, and what can I do to make this better?

By Vicki on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:04 pm:

Wow, this is a tough one. I agree that she should be willing to at least talk about it and let you either deny what she thinks you said, or try to explain it if it is what you are thinking it is, but you can't make her do that. I can say that I am very much like her in the fact that if someone did something to hurt me, I am not very quick to give them a second chance. Especially since I have gotten older. I just don't feel that I have to be friends with people that would do that to me. But, with that being said...you can't make her do anything, but I do think that writing her a letter is a good start. Maybe she will read something in that and change her mind. I just wouldn't count on it. This just might be something that you have to let go of!! Good luck with it!

By Colette on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:08 pm:

Ditto Vicki and just adding that she sounds like she is still in high school with these kind of games.

By Rayanne on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:20 pm:

I wan to add that if it is something that I said, it was about 2 years ago when it would have happened. This just did not happen yesterday. The last time I saw her was the night that Chris and I conceived Rylee, and she gave me no indication that she was mad at me.

By Tink on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:31 pm:

I think a letter is a great way to try to overcome this but you can only do so much. I am the opposite of Vicki. I will always try to mend a broken friendship but, if the other person isn't willing to meet you halfway, you can't do it all. I also think it is very childish and seems a little "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." If it has been this long and she is still holding onto this, I would guess that she is enjoying the attention that she is getting from it. I'm really sorry that she is doing this. My SIL did this right before she married my brother and it hurt alot. {{{Rayanne}}}

By Feona on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 03:33 pm:

Very strange. She told your husband you hurt her feelings. She definitely wanted you to know.

By Vicki on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 04:03 pm:

I have to disagree with Tink that she is doing this for attention. If that were the case, you would have known about it before now. I think the only reason that you do even know about it is because they wanted to let your dh know that he is welcome to come to the wedding, but not you. I am not saying this is right, but I do believe that she has really been hurt by something.

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 04:33 pm:

I would attempt to mend the friendship, but if not, just let it go. I agree with Cori, it sounds very childish.

By Kim on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 04:47 pm:

I don't know if it is for protection, maybe she is protecting her "source".

By Kate on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 05:10 pm:

I would call her. She can't escape you then except to hang up on you and hopefully she's mature enough to not do that. I would call and say something like, 'Hi Maria, it's Rayanne. I value our friendship and I want to fix whatever is wrong. I don't know what the problem is, though, so please tell me.' If she tells you that you should already know, then you'll have to tell her you're very sorry, but you really have no idea what's wrong, you thought all was well, especially as the last time you saw each other she was friendly. If she STILL won't tell you, I'd just sincerely say that you're very sorry she is hurting and very sorry for anything you may have done to cause that pain. Then the ball is in her court. If she hangs up on you before you can get through everything then I'd put it all on paper and mail it to her. If the whole problem is the drunken scene night, I'd sincerely apologize and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but it truly bothered you to see that happening. Tell her you realize everyone was drunk and it was ages ago and you've forgotten all about it and are so glad that those party days are over.

If she is unwilling to talk to you, then I don't think your husband should attend their wedding. Perhaps if her fiance realizes that his friendship with your husband is suffering because of the childishness of his future wife, he will talk some sense into her. Whatever happens, Chris should not attend the wedding at all, unless you are invited also. IMHO, of course. Good luck!

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 05:29 pm:

If you truly value her friendship you need to clear the air. Go see her and say, "We need to talk," and go from there. If I heard someone had called me a "wh" I'd be terribly hurt, BUT she may not realize WHY you were upset and called her that. You don't even know if that's why she's upset. You need to communicate directly and not go by second hand info or letters, etc.. I'm saying this because I lost touch, my choice because I was hurt, with my best friend for several years because of one incident over a guy. I went away to college and didn't look back. Fifteen years later, when I moved back to where I had grown up, we bumped into each other and reminisced. I was very upset to learn that I had misunderstood what she had said in the first place. All those years I was angry at the best friend I had ever had. Thankfully, we have made amends and are best friends again but I will always regret not confronting her and getting the entire story, both sides, from the beginning. {{{Rayanne}}}

By Rayanne on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 09:46 am:

Chris said that he is not going to the wedding unless I go with him. He has not told them yet, but will when he drops off the letter for me. I agree that she is acting very childish. The one thing that makes me sooo mad is that what she heard is from word of mouth. It could be something that I never said, and she never even asked me to see if it was true. My neighbor says that I should just forget about her because she hasn't even ever seen Rylee. A true friend, no matter how bad things are will be there for you during that time. I don't know. I feel so horrible inside knowing that I hurt someone like this.

By Boxzgrl on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 10:11 am:

I ditto your neighbor Rayanne. It seems as if she were more of an acquaintance than a friend, or atleast it became that way after a while. Having a child is a big step in someones life and for me, atleast, its the time where friend should come together for support, friendship and to just be happy together. I, myself, don't consider some people I know "friends" just due to the fact that they have never seen Kaitlyn, never made an attempt to and still to talk to me as if I don't have a child. I would have your DH give her the note and if she still acts the way she does, then always know you have better "friends" out there. It always better to have a few close GREAT friends than a big circle of friends that you cant trust to confide in or keep secrets etc... You catch my drift!

(((HUGS))) I hope the situation turns out for the best, whichever way that may be.

By Breann on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 05:27 pm:

It sounds like she isn't worth your time, to me. And, I applaud your husband for saying that they need to accept you at the wedding as well as him, or he won't attend. That is excellent.

If you truely want to fix things, the only thing to do is to call her or to go to her house and talk to her about it.

I wouldn't go with a letter. It seems kind of "Jr. High" like to pass notes during a "fight". Just my opinion though.

I hope whatever you decide that it all works out.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 05:32 pm:

I also applaud your husband. And, if you were not so hurt by it, I'd agree that she is not worth your time.

And, according to Emily Post and Miss Manners, you do NOT invite one half of a couple - especially a married couple - to a wedding. It's both or none, according to the rules.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 11:10 pm:

First of all, You haven't seen this woman in 2 years??? This is not a friend.. You might have had a few good talks, a few laughs but friends don't go two years with out talking... I say forget her and move on. AND Chris should not be attending a wedding or hang out with people that would sit and talk about you like that with him, behind your back. That is not only childish it is plain rude.. That girl needs to grow up.. And IF that guy was Chris's friend he wouldn't have stood for her not inviting you and being rude about the invite... That is utter nonsense... And surly not people I would want to be friendly with. They sound like grown children and grown children bring a lot of drama baggage with them... Forget her.. And IF you did say something I am sure it was true. Because she doesn't sound beyond immaturity... Move on!!

By Conni on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 09:52 am:

Ok, I guess I am getting old or something. Because I think this whole think is ridiculous. First of all, my dh wouldnt go to a wedding I wasnt welcome at. Second of all, SHE got drunk, straddled your DH on a pool table and you had every reason to call her a name!!!!!!!!!!!! She should be apologizing to you shouldnt she???
Thirdly, who stays mad over a name calling for 2 yrs?

Whatever... Send them some towels and wish them well. I wouldnt be sad over this I'd feel relieved I didnt have to deal with the immaturity and didnt have to buy a new dress to wear to a wedding. LOL!

By Rayanne on Friday, January 21, 2005 - 09:48 am:

Well, the ball is now in here court. DH delivered the letter today and told his friend that he will not be attending the wedding. He said that that was what he thought. Chris said that I probably did say some mean stuff about her because of the party and his friend remembered that night and said that he would talk to her. Lets hope everything goes well. I just want to put this all behind me, and move on and have a happy heart, knowing that she is not hurt anymore by what I may or may not have said.

By My2cuties on Friday, January 21, 2005 - 10:01 am:

well good, you did your part. Be sure and let us know if she buries the past or not. I hope everything works out.