I can't have sex with DH 7 days a week, or even 6 for that matter. I just CANT!!! I don't even think it's physically possible if I had the time to do it. He's been getting it 3 days a week and he's been complaining NONSTOP! It's getting to the point to where I want to avoid it altogether because it disgusts me that its in his mind all the time. I've even compromised, considering i'm very happy being a once a week person and likes it everyday. So, I said 3-4 days. I dont know what to do. I'm so unhappy with this. I've read you girls' advice before from other posts and have used it but its not working. What is his problem? Grrrrr......... I cant wait until he's older and these hormones wear off.... WAY OFF!!!! I think i'll be in heaven then.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 02:13 am:

BTDT, still go through the argument on a weekly basis I think. Big HUGS to you!!!

By Anonymous on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 02:14 am:

Couple of questions--how old are you? And did this start upsetting you recently or has it always bothered you? You don't have to answer those questions on-line. But I'll tell you why I ask. I have started having this problem over the last few months amongst some other issues like insomnia, being tired, messed up periods, etc. I'm 43 and never thought about before but just found out these may be symptoms of premenopause. For me these things have just become a problem. And dh does the same thing. It's sorta stressful. I wish we could be on the same page about this, but right now we are just way off.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 09:42 am:

I suppose my husband and I have the opposite problem. Is it that you're tired... or you don't like the "way" it's happening? Sex is very important in a marriage, but it should always be a compromise. You have to communicate why you like it 3 days or less a week. You can't just say "no"...articulate what you are feeling. You also have to communicate why it's important to take a break from sex...it WOULD get old if it happened every night and I'm sure he doesn't want you to resent him. A healthy sex life is when both partners are engaged in the moment. Tell him it's a turnoff for you to be hounded...it makes you feel used, I'm sure? A big part of sex is respect and understanding. He needs to know that. And, yes, it might just be that he's young and it's always on his mind. Just because it's on his mind, doesn't mean he has to act on it. He needs to learn how to temper/channel his sex drive...not to mention how to be a "giver" not a "taker". If he could channel that energy into being just romantic for the moment...he might get a better response. Not to sound obnoxious...but at least he's getting it from you, not some other girl. I have a friend who said "no" too many times and it destroyed their marriage. Tell him how YOU can enjoy sex and give you a little room to do the chasing too.
Communicate, communicate, communicate...

By Anonymous on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 10:14 am:

mrsheidi, I think i'm just burned out. I have a lot to do during the day so when theres not much time left, I start to take things off my list, sex being one of them. And yes I do have to remind myself to have sex with DH. When we DO it he's very into it and definitely a giver not a taker and its fun. I just have to get myself to the point of wanting it. And he well knows (this has been a proven fact) that if hes not all over me and not mentioning sex 10+ times a day then i'm more likely to come to him, and probably on an every other day basis. I *do* feel used like some cheap girl off the streets when he talks about it. I dont even like to be romantic with him because in his eyes as soon as I cuddle him or kiss him, its a *sure* sign that sex is next. I dont want it to be that way.

By Breann on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 12:07 pm:

"I dont even like to be romantic with him because in his eyes as soon as I cuddle him or kiss him, its a *sure* sign that sex is next. I dont want it to be that way."

I have that same problem here! But, my husband is quite forgiving if I don't feel like sex. We've gone quite awhile without it and he understands.

Have you tried telling you husband how you feel? Telling him that you just can't do it everyday? What does he say?

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 06:05 pm:

*sigh* Yes, I miss those days of "just kissing". My husband told me today that it's a good idea to just tell him that you want quality over quantity and that you do love him, but it's unrealistic for you to feel intimate every day like that. If you think about it...every time you do something "special" in your life, it's usually "special" because it's rare. Not saying your sex life should be rare, but he needs to be told that you don't want to resent him over time and feel used. He doesn't want to make you feel that way, I'm sure. But, he needs to know the results of his talk about sex, etc. The best way to tell a guy anything is not to blame but to say "You know, I know you didn't mean to do this but it made me feel cheap when you talked like that, etc."
Just, under all circumstances, don't cave in if you're not in the mood. But, don't give him a strict "no"...tell him you'll "take a raincheck", that way he doesn't feel so let down. You can even "plan" a few days in advance so he knows what and when to expect it. Not all the time, but just so he knows it's not forever down the road.
My hubby takes rainchecks more often than myself! LOL! Hope this helped... it's all in how we say things to men sometimes...their ego can get bruised easily.
(He also might want to talk to other guys or a trusted buddy...getting it 3 days a week is REALLY good!)

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 07:27 pm:

I have the opposite problem - *I* want it more often than my DH. Maybe we could switch for a couple weeks? ROFL - Just kiddin' about that part, but I have no advice for you. :-(

By Feona on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 07:44 pm:

If it isn't too much it is too little. I tell you.... No one is happy.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 10:10 pm:

You say he is a giver???? Maybe he is looking at this as his way of taking care of you.. Helping you relax. Men DO NOT (can I say that again) DO NOT think like women do.... He might see your physical contact as a way that only you two connect.. Basically he is probably seeing your sexual relations in a different light than you do.. You think he is sex starved and he thinks he is just loving you. Time for another talk.... And maybe it is time for you to stop cutting back on your relationship with your DH. " I start to take things off my list, sex being one of them" because your children will grow and the laundry will wait but your marriage will sustain you a life time.. Besides.. How many women out there do you think would give anything for their DH to look at them forget wanting them????? Like Feona said, "No one is happy." Talk to him, honestly and state your issues clearly (draw him pictures if you have too).. Best of luck..


And just to let you know, DH will be 40 in May and he is after me more now than he ever has been. He would have it daily if he could and if he could figure out how to get all the kids out of the house at once he would have it more than once a day....... We have been together since he was 23 so in his case age has not slowed him down a bit... But age has made him a bit wiser about how to go about getting it.

By Annie2 on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 10:23 pm:

I'm with Karen on this one.
All I can say is, it will level off in time and then the scale will tip higher on your end. Then he'll be tired from your gusto libido!
It's how nature works.
Talk to him about your feelings, needs and wants. You should never feel pressured into having sex. I think that is where you have a problem. You can work it out. IMO all couples go through changes in their sex lives. It's all typical.
Keep the talking going...it will work itself out.

By Pamt on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 10:36 pm:

AAARRGGHH! I just had a long response and my computer froze up. I'll try again.

I agree with Bobbie that if you are hoping for things to calm down when he gets older, then you just might be out of luck. My DH and I married at 22 and now at 37 there has been absolutely no decrease in his desire. He would typically be ready for sex twice a day if I were game. I'm not

I really think this may be a much bigger issue than just the old "men are pigs and want sex all the time" sort of thing. Your DH really seems to not be taking your emotions and your needs into consideration at all and seems selfishly focused on his own perceived needs. With the fact that his drive is abnormally high (or rather he wants to act on it so frequently) leads me to question if there might be some pornography or sexual addiction issues---just a reading between the lines, gut instinct sort of feeling.

I think you need to be very honest about your feelings on the subject and how his constant advances make you feel. I would feel very used as well---more like a sexual vessel for him to relieve himself than a life partner worthy of his love, care, and respect. Sex is supposed to be an intimate, vulnerable exchange of the highest love with a committed, faithful partner, not a quick way to satisfy one's jollies and release some tension. I honestly think this may be a deeper issue than either of you realize and would really suggest counseling if it continues to be a problem. Sex and finances are the 2 most common reasons for divorce.

Yes, men have a higher sex drive and alot of their self-esteem and self-worth comes from having a healthy and active sex life with the woman they love. However, 3 times a week is certainly more than enough. If his friends brag about getting more than that, you can be sure that they are lying. Just as sex is important to his self-worth, romance, security, and praise are essentially to yours. It really doesn't seem as if he respects your needs very much. He also might do well to find a physically demanding sport to channel some of his sexual energy. My DH plays racquetball twice a week and his racquetball partner has been wanting to play 3-4 times a week recently. His wife had a baby 2 months ago, so we've beent teasing him about needing to work out his frustrations on the racquetball court. But...there is some truth to that.

I've suggested A Celebration of Sex on here before, but I really think it is an excellent resource. It will help your husband understand your sexual needs and desires and you, his. It also gives practical tips for how to get yourself in the mood more often and even offers positions and techniques for those times when you aren't really in the mood, but you want to be able to satisfy your DH anyway. I highly recommend it!! Good luck!

P.S. It does get better and better. We've been married 14 years and sex gets better with each passing year.

By Marcia on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 11:00 pm:

Sadly, I'm with Karen and Annie2 on this one. :o(

By Emily7 on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 11:14 am:

I am also with Karen, Annie2, & Marcia. I love bieng with my husband. I know that there is more to marriage than sex, but it is so wonderful being with him. He is the only man I have ever willingly given myself to & the only man I ever want. I hated it when I was told during pregnancy I could not make love, I didn't even wait 6 weeks after the kids were born.
Stop stressing about it, I think that would make you not want it more.
Have you had anything in your life happen that would make you not want to have sex? I was molested as a little girl & that made me afraid to be intimate & then I met dh. We talked about what I went through & I know that it is okay to stop if for some reason I start having a memory. In fact last night that happened to us, my dh stopped, gave me the space I needed, & then held me.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is important to be intimate in a marriage, but it is just as important to be comfortable.

By My2cuties on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 11:40 am:

My DH is gone all week, and home on the weekends(hopefully only for a couple more months ), I wish we could be together more. It is important to be intimate in a relationship, as much as you feel like it, my advice would just echo alot of others here being, just talk to him and tell him how you feel. Sorry you feel this way, just try to be sensitive to his feelings too, which I am sure you already are. ((hugs)) Think of what made you fall in love in the first place, maybe that will help you get in the mood.

By Paulas on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 11:16 pm:

Just tell him it could be worse..3x/week...my DH would think he'd died and gone to heaven!

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 07:58 am:

*I* would think *I* had died and gone to Heaven!

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 08:39 pm:

Karen, I'm with you. There could be more action at my house! LOL!