Feeling Selfish and Inadequate...
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Feeling Selfish and Inadequate...
I don't know what has changed (maybe nothing) the way I am feeling lately, but I am feeling totally inadequate in all parts of my life right now. I don't feel like I spend enough time with my kids (not quality time anyway) and I don't spend any alone time with my dh... As far as work goes that is the last place I want to be right now and I have been doing the bare minimum for about a month now.. which isn't good but no one will really say anything to me because I have been here so long (almost 9 years).
I have been on depression meds for years. They seem to still be working as in I don't want to sit down and cry.
I think I am just burned out on EVERYTHING in my life right now!
I truly don't want to do anything for anyone. I run people here and there and support their teams and plays and everything else. I can't remember the last time I got to do something I wanted to for me without either having to bring a child or worrying about how much it costs because of some expense for one of the kids..
I know that sounds bad but I just want a day for me.. where i can do whatever i want even if that means laying around and reading a book and not having to think about any meals for anyone but me.
I cook every night and not a night goes by that someone doesn't complain about what they are eating. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have had some of my favorite meals because no one in the house, but me, likes them, probably years!
Here is an example of a typical night at my house (well out really)... my dh decided friday night that neither of us was going to cook.. so we start talking to the kids about going out to eat. DH wanted Joe's Crab Shack (or some other seafood). Well I didn't really care where we ate as long as I didn't have to listen to anyone complain. Well my oldest decided that she wanted steak and was not going to have any part of seafood (even thought she loves seafood and I told her i would cook steak the next day)... So what happened.. DH got upset and DD got upset and other DD got upset and we ended up eating BBQ, which no one wanted. Everyone was really angry at each other the whole meal.. And all I could say was "can't we all just get along".
I think that is my motto right now.. I just want everyone in my house to quit bothering everyone else! Peace.. does it ever happen when you have 2 girls 2 years apart and a DH who is their step dad who doesn't seem to think they act right because he is an only child and doesn't understand that they are not going to actually agree on anything EVER! unless it is to disagree with him or me?
I know there is probably not any real answers but I really needed to get this out. So if you got this far thanks for listening to my complaint..
Am I really being selfish or is this normal?
(((hugs)))
not a lot of advice, but next time you go out to eat, decide w/dh where you are going and then tell, don't ask the kids.
I hear you...loud and clear! I took the kids to the movies the other day because I wanted to see one and no one else would see this one with me, they all wanted to see a different one...not the same starting time; ending time, etc!
Big pain in the butt.
Youngest two can not be in the same room with each other; never mind in the van! They can not get along but I find them together, constantly bugging each other!
I just try to think positive. I am not changing dirty diapers, their grades are good and spring is right around the corner. This lasts for about ten minutes...then I think about the bills, have I picked up every child.......
I think it is normal; but you really need to find some time for yourself. It will make the world of a difference.
I've started playing tennis months ago. I can not really afford it but I have to continue it for me. Some days I drag myself there but I always feel better afterwards.
Lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour. Take a bubble bath, read your book, try to relax. You'll also have to listen to the chaos behind the door for a few times...but it will get better.
{{{{{{{{{{Tara}}}}}}}}}
Sounds to me like you ARE burnt out - feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, unappreciated, guilty, fed up, and yes, even depressed.
When was the last time your anti-depressant meds were changed or adjusted? Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? Have you talked to you FAMILY about how you are feeling??
As far as being selfish or normal - all *I* can say is BTDT! And if anyone sees it as selfish, then so be it, it's not about them, it's about you.
I have found, that as moms, particularly moms working outside of the home, we tend to become overextended, often beyond our control. And it's true - you DO end up a bit neglected, or you neglect yourself. ANY person needs down time, time *just* for themselves, to recharge their batteries. When you are feeling like you spend your life doing things for others, and nothing gets done for you, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to crash.
I think a few important things need to happen here. I think you need to talk to your DH about how you are feeling, and use words to make him understand how serious this is. This is not *who* you are or want to be. Try to brainstorm some solutions that will make things easier at home, both for you personally, and for your family as a whole.
#2 is, I think you should talk to your doctor who has prescribed your anti-depressants and decide if it's possible you need your dosage adjusted, or a different medication altogether.
#3 is, I think you need to do something for yourself! A lunch/afternoon out with a friend, DH taking the kids somewhere for a few hours so you can have time to do what YOU want to do, etc.
And you and your DH need to make YOUR relationship a priority. I realize, when 2 parents are working and raising a family, time (and money!) becomes practically non-existant, and believe me, your relationship suffers because of it. If money is the main deterrent, then look for *cheap or free* things to do - dinner out at an affordable restaurant, an afternoon movie on a weekend, a long walk, whatever - and time to TALK and reconnect. Ideally, I'd suggest a night or weekend away, even if it's *just* a night out without the kids, or at best, a night or weekend away in a motel (doesn't have to be expensive, and even if it's a *local* one), to talk, rediscover your love, rekindle that flame, help get your relationship with your DH back on track. I've never done this, but a few people I know swear by marriage encounter weekends, that it helps both their marriage AND family life. Whatever you can do, you need to MAKE time for yourself, and for you and your DH, even if it means making the kids to bed earlier one or two nights a week. Or just telling them, *Mom and Dad* are not to be disturbed right now.
Perhaps some more or different rules or consequences are in order for the DK's. Engage them in making dinner, make it a family affair. I don't know what your *chore schedule* or housecleaning schedule is, but get them all involved, so it isn't all up to you.
Another thing I will suggest is, perhaps a change of job is in order? I don't know what you're doing or if you're happy there. Though I do suspect that's not the main problem here. I think you're feeling underappreciated and overextended.
I don't personally think you are being selfish, I think you are being HUMAN. EVERYONE needs to feel appreciated, and needs time to themselves to decompress and recharge.
HTH! If nothing else, I have BTDT so I truly understand how you are feeling!
(((HUGS)))) I have felt taken for granted before and it is not fun. I agree you should talk this out with your dh. Maybe your girls would like to try cooking sometimes. I know it is hard to let go in that area sometimes thinking of how it will just end up being more work for you but it's possible to turn that into some quality time with them as well. I've also heard that if kids have a hand in making dinner they are more likely to eat it and broaden their horizons.
Honestly, I think you are experiencing something all people go through. Working mom or not. You honestly sound no different then most of the women I talk to that are honest about their lives. That doesn't mean there is nothing you can do about your situation, just that you aren't alone in being past sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Time to do some soul searching and start taking back some of your life/control. I agree, I would check into a tweak of the medication. It may still be kind of working but it could be loosing its effectiveness.
Yes, talk to your doctor about tweaking your medication. And, are you seeing a counselor? I know, I recommend counseling a lot - because I know it usually helps.
As for your family, I would start with dh. Tell him that the two of you need to talk and it's serious, set a time, and get the kids out of the house for a few hours, and talk. Tell him how you feel, and if he starts offering comments like "you shouldn't feel like that", tell him whether you should feel like that or not is not the issue - you do feel like that. He needs to get some understanding that your daughters are beginning a stage in their lives where they are going to be difficult, they are not going to get along, and that's a fact of life. Their hormones are going crazy, their bodies are changing, their social attitudes are changing, and the TWO of you are going to have to cope with it. See if he will work with you on how the two of you are going to respond when your daughters are whiny, contentious, etc. If he is willing to try, the two of you can work out a strategy and the rules you are going to develop. Remember, in not too many years your daughters will be leaving home and the two of you are going to be living with each other. If you spend the next 4 or 5 years with the kind of atmosphere you describe, it is going to be hard for the two of you to be friends, and it's important that you be friends.
Then the two of you can meet with your daughters and lay down some laws. Like - the meal on the table is the one you are going to eat, without complaining. If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, but mom is not going to prepare an alternate and you can eat again at the next meal. (I started that with my first child when he was about 4, at the advice of my pediatrician, and my kids always ate what was in front of them. If they didn't like a particular part of the meal they filled up on the other parts, because they knew that's all there would be, and they didn't complain because they knew if they did, the meal was over. I highly recommend that attitude.)
Your daughters need to know that their behavior is making you unhappy, and their behavior will have consequences - like the loss of privileges, loss of telephone rights, removal of entertainment items from their bedrooms, grounding, whatever. And if they complain and carry on, that carries additional consequences. They need to know that no matter how they feel about something, they are required to treat their parents and each other with respect and courtesy, and work out their differences in a courteous manner. You and dh need to be in agreement on this, and deal with the girls in a calm and courteous manner - no arguments, no real discussion, just "you know the rules, you broke the rules, and this is what happens - and if you continue arguing this is what else is going to happen - now go to your room and think about it".
I'm not saying it will be easy, because it won't. If you haven't been doing this all along, you are in for a bumpy few weeks or month or two. But honestly, Tara, your girls need to know how to get along with you and dh and with each other, because they need to learn how to get along with the rest of the world and this is where it starts. And once they know you and dh are united and mean business, things will calm down. If they say it's not fair, don't say "life isn't fair", say "You know the rules and you broke them, and you knew what would happen if you broke the rules. If you don't like it, don't break the rules."
It's very important that you don't argue with the girls or yell at them when you are laying down the law - then you stop being the adult and come down to their level. You and dh are the adults, you both know how to behave, and you need to model it for the girls, especially when a girl is angry and wants to argue.
I'm looking at the evening you describe, and my reaction is that DH was willing to pay the money to take people out to dinner, and the host is the person who selects the place. The first dd was totally out of line (and the second dd didn't help). If it had been me, I would have talked with dh privately and suggested that we tell the girls that if they can't come to the seafood restaurant and behave courteously, they could have cheese sandwiches and go to bed while dh got some takeout that you and he like, and the two of you would enjoy it - so decide whether you want to go out to the seafood restaurant your dad picks, and behave decently, or eat cheese sandwiches and go to bed, and you have 3 minutes to decide WITHOUT argument. That's the kind of thing, of course, where you and dh need to be in synch before it happens, or you won't be able to pull it off.
I was a "mean mother" for most of my sons' lives - on that we all agreed. And I won't tell you that my sons were perfect, that we never argued, that they never broke the rules, that they never got into trouble, because it wouldn't be true. I can tell you, however, that I didn't have anywhere near the number or kinds of hassles experienced by the parents of my sons' friends (and yes, I often heard "so-and-so's mom lets him or doesn't make him" - you know the response to that). And I can tell you that starting with the most contentious of my three sons, each of my sons, at some point after that son moved out and lived on his own, came back and told me in just so many terms that they had come to appreciate that I had behavioral standards for them and stuck to my guns. They each noted that "I know how to behave in the adult world, where many of my friends (and former friends) don't, and it makes my life a lot easier".
Bobbie is right, you need to take back some control of your life and you and dh need to jointly, in agreement, take back control over your household. And do think about counseling. In the meantime, do come here and vent. It's always good to have a safe place to vent, partly because everyone needs a safe place to vent, and partly because then you can go back and deal with the people in your life a little bit more calmly and reasonably.
Thank you ladies.. I am trying to make it through the rest of this week because this weekend my girls are going to their fathers (or are supposed to be) so DH and I can talk. Sunday we will have a family meeting and we will set down the law.
I am definately going to talk to my dr about my medication dosage.
I am also going to try to take some of the other suggestions and try to get my kids involved in cooking dinner some.
Thank you so much.. I really needed to vent yesterday..
I didnt read all the posts but thought I would suggest a couple of things. First of all, I MAKE my kids do things all the time. Bottom line is they get over it and bounce back. lol Saturday they were all on computers and biccering in between. I decided we were all going to go BOWLING together and get away from the computers. They alllll groaned and moaned all the way to the bowling alley. By the time we started walking the building they were getting excited and talking about how we would divide up for teams, etc.. Unfortunately, they had a 45 minute waiting list for a lane, so we left. We went to Shoguns for dinner (one kid blurted it out and thats where I pulled in), we all had a good time.
Sunday again...they were on computers and biccering and getting on my nerves so I picked a movie I wanted to see and MADE them (all were whining) go to the movies with me. They complained they wanted to see a different movie and I kept repeating we are going as a family and this is the one we are watching together...get over it. By the time we bought the tickets and got refreshments they were no longer complaining. AFTER the movie, they all said they enjoyed it!!!
Now, I cannot remember how old your kids are but... maybe next time you could choose the restaraunt, leave the kids at home, have dinner alone with your dh and let the kids eat sandwiches. lol OR pick the rest. and make them go where YOU want. Make them respect what YOU want as opposed to letting them get what they want all the time. Thats what I am learning to do.
Another thing is that if my kids are arguing...they ALL get sent to bed or to their rooms, etc. It is amazing how they prefer one of them gets in trouble but when its ALL of them that is going to get in trouble....well, they will stumble over each other trying to work it out so Mom doesnt send them off to bed early. (or whatever)
I MAKE them do chores constantly too. If they are arguing I will say BOYS, we need more wood in the living room come down and carry it in, BOYS the dishes need to be done, come down and get started on them, and on and on and on... Last night I called my 14 yr old and had him stick a pizza in the oven for dinner, so it was done when I got home from work. I don't care if he wanted pizza or not, that's what we were having and he could help get it done earlier by putting it in the oven himself. I MAKE them help me do the dishes and clean off the table after dinner so that I am not the only one working after dinner. My older boys do their own laundry. Including washing their sheets...
I could go on here... and no my house is NOT spotless. I wish. lol
I think we all get to where you are at, at times!!! Just stand up and take charge- they CAN go eat where YOU want and they can get over it. Cook what YOU want for dinner tonight, if they don't like it they can make themself a bowl of cereal or get over it. And make them do chores when they are biccering (don't tell them what you are doing), just assume they are bored and need something to do. So dole out the chores. MAKE them go where you want, they can whine about it, but in the end, get your way, they'll get over it, I PROMISE!!!!!!
I sound mean I guess. lol
No not mean at all.. I am the same way. I run a tight ship, this doesn't mean some days I am not lax and that my kids do not take advantage. It just means more than not, I say what I mean and I mean what I say and if they buck up against me too hard there is/will be a prices for it.
They will have rules the rest of their lives and as Ginny said those rules start at home. Today is a good day to start that lesson. It is an injustice to your child, their future spouse and their children, to accommodate their every wish and let your own go unnoticed. If we spend our lives falling over ourselves making everyone around us happy, while we muddle through life, what lesson is this for our children. Multi generational stressed out, broke down, mom's? I am sure this isn't the lesson any of us want to teach our children. That if they are a wife, they have no right to their wants. If they are husband, their wants come first.
A good talk this weekend with DH, a set of clearly stated no nonsense rules for the girls and a common ground will take you all a far way. It may be a struggle at first but I am telling you that you can take back control. Get yourself in a good mind set and dig in your heals. Kids will take it to the limits if the boundaries aren't clearly marked in the sand...
A happy mom makes for a happy family..
Amen to Bobbie's closing remark.
Oh, and Tara - I don't know if anything has changed (your first post), but one thing is clear - the girls are in that terrible, dreadful, awful age range. I don't know about the rest of you, but I hated being an adolescent & teenage girl much of the time and found it a very difficult stage of life, and I KNOW my mom found living with me in that stage of life to be very difficult.
I know if I had the opportunity to live my life over, I would definitely want to skip the years from 11 to 23 or so.
LOL Conni, if you are mean, then so am I.
I think you have gotten some great advice. Your girls, unfortunately, are at what I think is a rotten age. Not grown up, but not little either. However, you have to take back control. I think you will feel a lot better when you do. I think talking to your dh this weekend is a good start.
As far as the restaurant issue. We go out to eat once a week. We rotate who picks. One week I pick, the next dh, and then each of the kids. This has stopped bickering about where to eat. As far as dinner, I have a very picky eater(he has reason - severe reflux) But, I also know he "uses" his reflux as an excuse not to eat certain things. I just refuse to make dinner a battle ground, or be a short order cook. Like Conni, if you don't like what we are having, then make yourself a sandwich, or get a bowl of cereal, or don't eat. Also, with the bickering, I send both of my dks to their room when it happens. If fighting is going on, both get in trouble. I am lucky that my boys don't fight to much. But, when it does happen, I just refuse to listen to it.
I think the important thing is to pick a few behaviors that are driving you nuts, tell your girls what is expected of them, and then have consequences. If you are consistant, things will settle down.
{{{{hugs}}} I hope things get better soon.
Sometimes our kids don't like the choice of restaurant and they are free to stay home and make themselves something they would like better.
I am mean mom. Oh well.
The kids have chores, daily.
We discuss where we are going but if we decide to go somewhere they don't like... Too bad. They can stay home. Note, they have never decided to stay home.
We have movie night every Saturday. We rotate who chooses the movie.
I agree with the suggestions above.
If you do not nip this in the bud NOW it will just get worse!
Well I went the easy way out about talking to DH.. I just printed all this and gave it to him to read. My ex told me he was definately picking up the girls so there is no problem with us having some time to figure things out then we will have a meeting with the girls Sunday.
Thanks for all the advice. I am sure if we are consistant it will all get better.
Being consistent is absolutely essential. Being a team is also absolutely essential. (And you aren't the first to simply print out what is in a thread to start a discussion. I suspect it makes starting the conversation easier.)
By the way, when I was single-parenting three sons, I taught my sons how to cook, and by age 13 each of them could prepare a balanced, simple meal. Sometimes it involved using an entree I had cooked over the weekend, or cooked enough for two meals and frozen half, sometimes it was cooking from more or less scratch, but by the time the youngest was 15, they were preparing dinner at least three nights a week. That way they learned how much work goes into preparing a meal, and how frustrating it is if someone complains. And they were the people responsible for cleaning up after the meal from the time the youngest was 9 or 10 (the older two started around that age also). That meant clearing the table, putting leftovers away, doing the dishes, wiping down the table, stove, and sink area, and putting out the trash. The trick to making it somewhat palatable was that whoever was on dish-washing duty had exclusive use of the phone (except for me) until the dishes were washed. (I didn't have an automatic dishwasher - or rather, I had three two-legged automatic dishwashers). I think it is very important for kids to learn how much work goes into maintaining a household, including the nitty-gritty chores. I know they don't often do it right the first time, but when a son had to go back, and back again, and again, until he got it right, he quickly learned how to do it right the first time.
So that's something else for you and dh to think about for when you talk with the girls.
Let us know what your husband thought.
I'd love to say I trained my kids not to complain about meals, but the truth is they grew out of it.
My DH and I did set up a weekly dinner out for the two of us. The kids made (or ordered) pizza while we went out. Nothing fancy--sandwiches even. The important thing was the time without the kids. And the kids liked it because they were got something they liked or some sort of treat. And they got to be independent. For an hour and a half.
Agreed... My kids 11 through 18 all help with meal prep and clean up. And each is assigned a room on Saturday to clean, on top of their own personal space. They all help with laundry too. Yard work and snow removal are all done by everyone in the house too. Who are they going to learn these things from if they don't learn it from us?
The same as getting along, working together and compromising even when you don't want to, who teaches them this stuff if we don't?
Big {{HUGS}}. I think you're totally normal. Being a mom is TIRING in every sense of the word, and when you don't have a good balance for that, burn out comes so easily.
Lots of great advice but ditto Yvonne in a nutshell. I am a mean mom also and I will continue to be one. It's simply rude to complain about the food that is put in front of you, let alone directly to the one who made it, and even more so when it's your mother. Does your husband model good manners regarding thanking you for dinner, etc? Sorry if I missed that part of your post. DH always thanks me for our dinner and compliments me, and DD does that now as well simply from that modeling. (She's 3 1/2) She also puts her dishes in or near the sink, depending on whether she has a plastic or breakable plate/cup for that meal. She also makes her bed in the mornings. I make her feel like this is something to take pride in. She will have daily chores until she no longer lives here.
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