I just really need to vent and some hugs

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive December 2004: I just really need to vent and some hugs

I never thought I would be posting on here about marriage problems. I just need to vent and I don't know who else to come to besides you guys. Well as most of you know my hysterectomy is in one week from today. I am getting really nervose and scared and the closer it gets the more pain I am in and I have started bleeding again. My emotions are all over the place and I cry all the time. Well, because of the surgery comeing up, dh is just going to draw unemployment this winter till he starts back with his job in Feb. so he can take ds to school and take care of me. We are not hardly bringing home any thing for money and have applied for food stamps and have to get rent assistance this month because alot of our money is gonna go to the Dr and other bills. Well this time of year is not a good time of year to be broke. And my dh has been so snippy with me. I cant breath right, eat right, nothing. If I do something around the house he gets mad cuz I'm not suppose to do anything but if I do nothing he gets mad cuz I didn't do anything. It came to a big head the past couple of days and alot of hurtful things were said on both our parts. He called me names and has NEVER done that before, and I brought up some crap from a few weeks ago that I had blown off as people trying to mess with our marriage, but brought it up just to hurt him. That seems to be what a verbal fight is, who can hurt who the most. Well at the end of it I told him that I hope something happens to me during the surgery then he would 'n't have to deal with me anymore. Ds never listens to me anymore, dh dosen't think I can even breath right, so they would be perfectly fine with out me. I have got to be the most replaceable, disposable person on the planet. I have no job, I have lived off my dh for 9 years, all I do is cook, clean, grociery shop, pay bills, take and pick up ds from school. You don't have to be a genius to do that. And every person that called me today asked me what is wrong? I said that I was haveing a bad day and they were like "you never have a bad day, your always positive and if I ever need someone to make me feel better your the one I call." Well I have the right to have a bad day, I have the right to have a bad week if I want to. I am so tired of being everyone elses "pick me up" in my life but when I am have ing a bad day did they ask me if I need to talk? NO, they just said call back when I feel like talking (about their problems). Dh and I hardly ever argue and this is killing me inside. I feel like my heart is broke. I know when he gets home tonight we will talk it all out and it will all be fine but I just need some support untill then. If anyone else is up this late. Thanks for letting me go on and on and vent ladies. If this is how emotional I am not I can't imagine how bad I'll be after the surgery.

By Tink on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 02:03 am:

I'm still up and I can give you as many hugs as you need. I think most of us have been in an argument where we said all kinds of things that we regretted. You are the most important person in your dh's and your ds's lives. NO ONE can do what you do for them, NO ONE can be who you are! Both you and your dh have so much on your plate right now. Your dh probably feels like he isn't doing what he should be by not working and providing for his family and he is worried about you and the issues you are having to deal with. I bet he's worried that something may happen and just how to deal with the day-to-day responsibilities that he will have to deal with while you are recovering. That said, it sure would be nice if he could just hug you and tell you that everything will be okay. I know that anytime I've had similar problems going on, that's what I wanted. Tell him.
While you are talking, ask him what he would like you to do around the house, if there is anything you can do. Once you two decide what you are able to handle at this point, ask him not to expect anything else from you.

I understand where you are coming from with your friends. It's hard to be the dependable on when there is no one to depend on. Are your friends the type that you can say, "I have a lot on my plate right now. I can't be there for you right now and still be there for my dh and ds. If you can be there if I need you, that'd be great."? I only had a couple of friends that I was able to say that to and it just made our friendships stronger.

After your surgery, you will be more hormonally emotional but imagine the joy of being pain-free! And the freedom of not having this hanging over your head. YOu will feel better and be able to be a better wife and mom. As far as the ds and him not listening, it seems to be the age. My ds is 5 and has developed such an attitude. When you are feeling better, plan on being really consistent on how you are going to respond to it. Right now, he is feeling the stress in your home and has some idea that you aren't yourself. He's probably acting out, along with asserting his independance. I'm not one to usually say this but I'd let it go for now. This isn't the way your home will be for a while. Sorry this got so long but I don't know of many that will see this tonight and I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs!

By Debbie on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 07:51 am:

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Please don't be so hard on yourself about the fight with your dh. You both are going through a very stressful time right now. It is hard when you are not feeling well for long periods of time. I am not in the pain that you are, but I have been sick with bronchitis for about 2 months. It has made everyone in our household grouchy!! Do you think your dh is so snippy with you because he is worried that something might happen to you during surgery?? You know, men sometimes don't express their feelings well. He is probably also concerned about how he is going to handle everything while you are recovering. I would just sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling.

As far as your ds, I am sure that he is also feeling the stress. I know that my oldest(who is 6) gets really concerned when I am not feeling well. Also, when I am not feeling well, I tend to me more lienant with my dks. I know after awhile he starts to take advantage of this. Pretty normal behavior for a 5-6 year old.

Just try and hang in there. Soon this will all be over with and you will be back to your old self. Just try and roll with things now and realize that things will be back to normal soon.

By Colette on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 08:18 am:

{{{Kristie}}}

By Rayanne on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 08:18 am:

By Rayanne on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 08:21 am:

My goes out to you sweetie. We are all here for you. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 08:41 am:

By Boxzgrl on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 09:44 am:

You've been a great contribution to the board so I can only imagine how special you are at home.

By Katherine on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 10:44 am:

Kristie, great big hugs for you and your dear family

By Kay on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 03:26 pm:

I think we've all been guilty of saying things out of frustration or anger. You're both under a great deal of pressure right now, and sometimes that steam just has to come out, and it can hurt.

Hope you're having a better morning, and I hope you can talk things out with your DH - I know how easy it is to shut yourself off sometimes from the person you trust and love the most.

By My2cuties on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 08:00 pm:

I wouldn't even say that you "just" clean, cook, grocery shop.etc. etc...that is a very imprtant job, and if everyone that "only" had those tasks thought that they were, as you put it "the most replaceable disposable person on the planet" then almost every mom would think that way. Don't worry, almost every couple has arguements at some point in time of their life, and if they don't congrats, they are rare. (((((HUGS)))) Everything will be better when you are not in so much pain..don't you think? If you don't care I will be praying for you to have a good surgery, and speedy recovery.

By Emily7 on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 10:21 pm:

Kristie you are a great person, I wish I could run to Casper & give you a big hug. If you need to vent e-mail me your number.

By Kristie on Sunday, December 5, 2004 - 11:00 pm:

Once again, you guys have made me feel 1 million times better. Thank you so much to everyone for the kind words you said about me. You all have helped me through so many diffrent things scince I have been on there it makes me feel good that I have contributed to you too. DH and I talked and he apologized lots and so did I. He said he is very worried because of the reputation our hospital has. (there is a saying you can go into this hospital with a tooth ache and come out dead) Joke of course but I have only had 1 good experience there and thats when I had the miscarriage. I do have faith in my Dr so that helps. Dh said he is afraid that he wont know all the "special" things I do for Russell and he is afraid he will mess up. I told him to just ask Russell, he knows what I do. So dh decided on a "trial run". All day yesturday I didn't leave the bed except to go potty and step out for a smoke. (wich I did often cuz he was driveing me nuts) Him and russell took care of everything and they couldnt ask me anything and I couldnt help. Just to practice for the days I'll be in the hospital, and he waited on me as practice for when I come home. I will look back on this whole thing one day and laugh I'm sure but if the trial run was a precurser for this Friday, I'm gonna need zanex. It really was kinda funny but I think Dh and Ds definately know and appreciate everything I do now.
Ds is scared about the surgery and has moments of asking questions and thinking it will be cool cuz mommy will have stitches and a scar that will match his from his bladder surgery, and thinks its cool cuz he will get to sleep with daddy and stay up and watch T.V. and go to the movies. Then he gets sad and asks me not to go. I think he will be ok once he realizes how much he is gonna get away with while I am gone.
Anyway, Our bills are getting really tight and I have appts tomorrow for assistance with rent and food stamps. I dont know how much longer I will be able to afford my internet bill. Just in case it gets disconnected I want you all to know what you have meant to me. I never knew how much you could care for people you have never met. Even if I get disconnected I will have it turned back on when we get our taxes in Jan. or Feb. But just in case I wanted to let ya all know. I really do love you guys and want you to know you have all made a huge diffrence in my life!!

By Tink on Sunday, December 5, 2004 - 11:34 pm:

Kristie, you brought tears to my eyes. I think you are being so brave! I'm really glad that you are getting this taken care of so you can be an even better mom and wife. I hope that you are able to stay in touch with us and that, if you have to take an internet vacation, that you will be back soon. {{{Kristie}}}

By Mrsheidi on Monday, December 6, 2004 - 09:22 am:

Kristie, we will say a prayer for you and yours tonight! {{KRISTIE}} You will get through all of this!

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, December 7, 2004 - 09:55 pm:

By Emily7 on Tuesday, December 7, 2004 - 10:08 pm:

Kristie I can understand why you are scared, the health care in Wyoming sucks. Just know that the hospital in Casper has saved the lives of 3 people that I love. It is one of the places Gillette sends & I think one of the better hospitals in Wyoming.
I will keep you in my prayers.