I'm a holiday scrooge

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive December 2004: I'm a holiday scrooge

I'm having an emotional holiday season. I don't really want to explain it right now because I think sometimes I should just let my emotions pass instead of always writing them here. I guess I just need some (((HUGS))) and for everyone to let me know, "This too shall pass." I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this year so with the holidays here, i'm reflecting a lot on how good things were "before I found out". I want my bubble back, I liked that world much better. It didn't hurt so much in there.

Thats all. Thanks for listening.

By Tink on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 01:04 am:

I'm so sorry, Melissa. I know what you are referring to and I'm so sorry that your year has been so rough. It will pass and you and your dh seem to have the type of mariage that makes it through but it must be hard when you are in the moment. Lots of hugs to get you through until the East Coasters wake up and are here to support you.

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 01:11 am:

I know what you mean, too Melissa. I know from experience that "this too shall pass!" (((Hugs)))

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 04:03 am:

(((Melissa))) It will pass. Just be strong and hold on tight, give it your all and wait it out. We *are* here for you anytime.

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 06:52 am:

By Colette on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 07:22 am:

(((Melissa)))

By Rayanne on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 08:29 am:

{{{{{Melissa}}}}}, I know what you are talking about and I am so sorry. This will pass, I promise. I wish I lived near you to cheer you up. You are such a great person. You've gone through a lot. Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling? Maybe talking to him will help you feel better.

By Jayne2 on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 08:34 am:

(((( Melissa))))

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 08:43 am:

I know what you are referring to. I'm so sorry. (((MELISSA)))
I wish i knew the right words to say to make it all better for you.

By Janet on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:12 am:

{{HUGS!!}} Sometimes, the holidays are the worst. I hope you can find some comfort in our caring for you...

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:18 am:

Thank You girls. It was nice to wake up and see a bit of support. I feel a little better this morning, I don't know why it was bothering me so much last night. I'd like to talk to DH but I have to write all my feelings down and word them in a way that he won't feel "attacked". It seems to be the only way to have a conversation about that subject these days.
I was reflecting back on everything i've been through this year and after all that I still fought to be myself, to overcome this. To build up the trust, take away the hurt and move on with life. But a part of me will never be the same for the rest of my life. The part of me that lived in a protected world. I had the DH that was not just good, but great! I had friends striving to have a relationship as good as ours. I felt like no matter what happened in life, no matter which road I took, no matter how many arguments we had (which wasnt many then)... no matter WHAT at the end of the night he was always there for me, through thick and thin. And though i'm quite sure nothing will ever happen again, I live my life on rocks. I make sure I don't do anything to make him stray. I watch what I say even if it something I really want to talk about. It's not fair, and I know lifes not fair. Sometimes I feel like i'll have this permanent resentment deep down inside for him destroying that trust that I had not just for him, but for everyone I know. That kind of trust can be built up, but never to what it originally was. I dont let it affect our relationship because as I said, its a deep down feeling and I keep it there. But there are nights where i'll cry and think, "If I would have just stayed with "so and so" he would have never done this. I would have never felt this pain." And I know that would never be today but I guess I just miss the person I was before. Im a good persons still today, but definitely not who I was 11 months ago.

And let me also write that right now DH and I are having a great relationship. We are happy, aren't fighting (which consumed our days for a while after the incident), and we are just overall doing good. This is just some of the leftovers feelings that i'm trying to get out and move on.

By Rayanne on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:30 am:

Melissa, you brought tears to my eyes. It hurts me that you feel like this. You should be able to talk to your DH about anything. Don't let the past get in the way of that. If there is something that you want to talk about with him, do it. If not, your hurt that you have deep down will only get to be more. And it will keep growing. I understand that this is rough on you and of course for him as well, but he also needs to nderstand that you still need to talk about the past. It's the only way that you will fully recover. Communication is "key" in every relationship. I know that your relationship is great now, and that makes me happy. It brings joy to me to know that people do get through the tough times like this, and that good can come from bad situations, but you still have to heal yourself. I believe that the trust that you had for your DH can be there again, if you get past this hurt. Time will let this happen, but you have to help it. You need to talk to him. Good luck sweetie, and we are all here for you. You can e-mail me anytime if you want. My e-mail is in my profile.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:37 am:

That is hard Melissa...when I read your post, I just could feel the "deflation" that you are struggling with. I think God made women strong for situations like these. We never have any answers yet there are always questions floating in our minds...it is just so consuming. You get infinity {HUGS}!

By Wandilu on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 12:35 pm:

Melissa,I also went through pretty much the same thing with my dh in the past.I can so relate to what you're feeling.PLEASE find someone that you and dh both can talk to.A pastor,or christian councelor,some one who has had training with these situations,and will give you Godly advice.One thing that you need right now is validation.You need to HEAR someone tell you that what you are experiencing right now is normal,and that you have the RIGHT to feel it right now.For some reason,that made a huge difference in my life.And you need to learn how to quit blaming yourself(... I live every day on the rocks...making sure I don't do anything that will make him stray...).I went through the same feelings.I thought if I said or did the wrong thing,it would "make"him do it again.I nearly went crazy living like that !!But,we both got some help,and I can HONESTLY say from my heart,that we have a much better marriage than we had before.We've been together almost 15 yrs,and I love him more now than ever,and he feels the same way about me.And we're very demonstrative with each other,constantly touching and holding hands,etc.A former young co-worker told me one day that she wasn't going to settle for anything less in a relationship than what me and my dh had ! GOD BLESS YOU !! And if you want to talk in more detail,my e-mail addr is also in my profile.

By Kay on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 01:46 pm:

Melissa, I'm with Wanda on this one. I think it's important for you to talk to someone completely outside your marriage so that you can 'get it out' without feeling judged, etc. The holiday season makes it so easy to feel things in a big way, whether they be good or bad for us.

If you would ever like to 'talk', know that I'm here. Just consider me one of the 'mom's moms' of the group...with so many of you young enough to be mine, I'd love to help where I can. If you don't still have my email, let me know - I'm here.

In the meantime, when negative thoughts crowd you, focus on that beautiful child, and what she means to you.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 03:04 pm:

-- All of You!

I swear you girls can be more of friends than the ones that actually "know" me in real life. I'm actually feeling quite good today, I got out and ran some errands and just thought of a million and one things to be happy about. Wandilu- you made me feel really good knowing there are people out there that really DO make it. DH and I know of only one other couple that made it through the same thing were going through now, and they are well into their 60's. Thats where I hope to be though.
I feel a lot better getting it off my chest (once again) and I don't feel so bottled up. Thank You. And Kay, thank you for reminding of my DD, after all she IS what gave me the courage and will to WANT to work this out. Who knows where I would be if she weren't here. Well, certainly not on this site, lol!

By Tink on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 05:27 pm:

Lots of love, sweetie! I'm glad that your day is going better. I know sometimes terrible feelings can just hit like a ton of bricks and it's so nice to just have a shoulder to lean on. I hope our virtual shoulders are good enough. Keep your chin up and remember that the last eleven months of work will make your marriage stronger. Just keep your eyes on the goal. Fear and distrust are a tool of evil and can never make your life a better place. We are always here for you!

By Breann on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 06:52 pm:

I'm new here, so I'm not sure about what you are referring too, but I wanted to tell you to keep your chin up. It sounds like things are going in the right direction. I hope you get it all worked out soon so you can enjoy the holiday season.

By Jelygu on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 09:30 pm:

Melissa, I am sorry that you are having a hard time of it right now. I agree with previous posts that you should talk to someone (an outsider) about any problems you may have. I don't know the details, but I can tell that you are a strong and brave woman for trying to work things out when so many people these days just walk away. I will keep you in my prayers!

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 10:52 am:

{{{Hugs}}}Hang in there Melissa, Your a very strong person. I would like to tell you that these feelings will go away in time but I don't know for sure. I agree you should see someone who is completely neutral to the situation and discuss your feelings. Also, have you tried any of the credo retreats? They might help you as well.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 01:36 pm:

Kristie, Steve looked into CREDO retreats and really wanted to do the relationship one. I'd love to as well but its for 5 days... that way too long to go without seeing Kaitlyn. I know it would really help us but isn't that too long to leave her with someone?

For those that don't know, a CREDO (which stands for Chaplains Religious Enrichment and Development Operation) retreat is where the military pay for a counseled get away for individuals, couples, families etc... to go on a vacation type retreat where each day there are seminars and such related to your specific need and individual counseling as well. They have activities and things you do to help form a bond and a lot of fun stuff. It would be perfect if we did it everyday for 5 days but then saw DD every night but they usually are out of town.

Heres an explanation from the credo website:
Chaplain's Religious Enrichment Development Operations (CREDO). CREDO is highly effective retreat program that supports the Marine Corps' readiness, retention, recruiting and quality of life priorities. Since its inception in 1971, it continues to provide programs for personal growth, character development, team building, ethical leadership, and workshops on marriage enrichment and spiritual growth. The retreats provide participants the opportunity to develop new perspectives about their relationships with family and friends, the military, and spiritual traditions. Best of all it is FREE and open to all active duty military, Reservists, retirees, and family members.

By Pamt on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 02:04 pm:

Yes, it's a long time to leave Kaitlyn, BUT your marriage is the foundation of your family and a happy marriage will reap waaay more benefits for you guys AND for Kaitlyn in the long-term. If you have a reliable family member or friend to leave Kaitlyn with, then I would strongly suggest that you go.

By Breann on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 02:40 pm:

I agree with Pamt. It's better to take 5 days away from her and fix things rather than forcing her to live with a life full of your problems. It sounds like a wonderful retreat.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 02:45 pm:

She can come stay with me . Alli would love a little play mate. 5 days is a long time if she has never been left before but she will be o.k. That is just short term. IMO, the long term benefits you will get out of it certainly out weigh the 5 days of separation. I think the little 5 day break will do all 3 of you some good. Think about it and let me know. I had to let Josh go for 2 weeks to my inlaws house when he was only 5 months. Dave opened his big mouth and said he could go before checking with me. That was the longest 2 weeks of my life but I got though it and Josh was fine. It gave Dave and I a chance to strengthen our relationship.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 03:16 pm:

I told DH to bring home more information to talk so we can talk about it. They are 3 days now instead of 5 and are usualy up in Big Bear. Well see, maybe we will do it sometime in January. I'll have to make arrangements for my Mom to stay here and watch DD so she will atleast be in her own house and own bed still.
Kristie, if you saw Kaitlyn now, she'd be a complete stranger. When was the last time you saw her, right after she turned 8 months old??? That was forever ago! Just another reminder that I need to keep my promises and make it out there. I'm sure Alli would love a playmate, one who can actually walk and talk this time!lol!

By Wandilu on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 07:29 pm:

Melissa,I also think this is a great idea.And there are things that you can do for Kaitlyn that will help keep her contented while you're gone.If your mom stays at your house ,that would be perfect.You can also fix her a small photo album(the small ones that you carry in your purse)with some reasent pictures of you and DH and her in it.I did that for one of my grandson's when he was about 18 months and I kept him for a short while.It actually had an amazing calming effect on him,and he carried it around with him almost the whole time.I would see him open it up,smile at it and speak his "jibber jabber" to it ,and go back to playing.Also,if she's accustomed to seeing you at night in a robe or p.j.'s,you can lay them on her bed where she sleeps so she can see them.These suggestions may sound silly,but I've seen them work.I hope ya'll get to go.It will be great for you and DH both.

By Jlpaints on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 09:49 pm:

I'm late to post on this, but I want to reassure you that this is a normal part of "mourning" the way things used to be. You have to go through at least a year of mourning when some major change like a death or infidelity occurs. This is because you must accomodate to each annual event according to the change. Things are different for you now than they were last year at this same time. You must mourn your first Easter, Birthday, Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas...etc. in your new awareness. Please be prepared as the one-year anniversary of the incident approaches that you may find yourself very irritable and sad or even very angry. This is very normal and will diminish over time. By this time NEXT year you will be amazed at how much better you feel!

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, December 2, 2004 - 11:22 pm:

Thats great that they have changed them to 3 days. You should definately go. As for us getting togeather it will have to be after the holidays. My cousin has been trying to get me to go out to her house forever now so after the holidays I will have to go and spend the weekend out that way and we can meet somewhere.